Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

My H came back from his latest "therapy" session, and says that he only needs to see his therapist every 6-8 weeks and that his therapist says that he is not addicted, (only 20+ years).  I think that we need to find a new therapist and he says he doesn't have a problem.  As Dr. Phil says, you can't change a behavior that you don't acknowledge.  I think we ought to go into couples therapy, but H says that it didn't work before, and it's not going to work this time.  He won't discuss this with me, and we have not had any contact for 7 years.  I think it's a major problem, he says that it's just the way it is, I'm not sexually inclined (I AM reluctant) and I won't cooperate.  I think this is a copout and he is embarassed about his behavior.  His whole philosophy is "I'm not looking at it anymore, why are you upset?".  For me, this equals "I quit stabbing you, why are you still bleeding?".  I need some help focusing on the things I can control, but I guess I don't have a clue about what direction to begin in.  Any suggestions, friends?

Welcome. He seems to have convinced himself, and you, that when he asked you if you would mind initially with the internet and you said you didn't mind, to be an answer that you would have to live with until your dying day! Didn't you ever hear of the permission we have to change our minds???!! We are allowed to change our minds! When your husband asked you, you said you didn't mind, now you do, he is not honoring his truth. What I mean by that, is, he was never being truthful about asking you to begin with! He just knew it would be a option now and wanted to let you believe you had the heads up! He was controlling this show from the very beginning, my sweets!

You can either remove the computer, I did after 2 weeks of it being put up.....it was taken down. I bought it, it was mine. He wasnt too thrilled but you know what? He still managed to get his fix someplace else. The internet only makes it more available, but it doesn't remove all possibilities of feeding a sex habit.  He is lying to you because you don't like the truth. But who is lying to whom? You are lying to yourself if you believe you can live with someone that you do not feel you can be truthful about.

What if he didn't like you going to the movies by yourself? He found it a threat. Would you stop or would you sneak it or would you try to talk to him more about it? If he can't do either of those three in this situation, then you are standing on weak soil and your foundation to a long life together is starting out on betrayals and fear already.

Why don't you feel that his porn use is cheating? The same reason that a lot of us don't. But he is cheating you out of parts of him and whether he gives it to another woman, another job, another friend, or porn, he is hiding parts of himself that he doesn't need to. He sounds like he is hooked into the porn mentality, into the machoness of being in control over his pee pee, and not available for a loving, intimate, relationship with a woman that cares about the health of the relationship, now and for the future.

You have to see if you are in it together, or are you doing the work alone. Be open to him about this and if he can't talk about it, he has deep rooted issues that even you won't be able to figure out. It shouldn't be a secret.

Whenever stress is involved in a decision making process, look at the whole scenerio as logical as possible. Emotion and logic are enemies to one another. The battle can be fierce. What emotion are you feeling most now? Jealous? Insecure? Angry? Betrayed? Sad? Confused? Bewildered? Put in what you are feeling. If its saddness and betrayal, look at if you usually go to those emotions when you get scared.

We all resort to familiararity when we are scared.

The thing that would bother me the most, and it has because I have lived what you are living for over 5 years, is the blatent lies to the face when they are confronted with the fact that what they are spending their time on, is somehow making you feel uneasy. This needs to be able to be discussed. Not pushed under the rug, denied, made to be your problem, or his. Sex to many people is an act of entertainment, lust, addiction, perversion, something that needs to be maniuplated to, lied about, done in secrecy, fantasy, illusion, and deception.

To others, sex is co mingling, intimate experience, vulnerability, passion, sharing, exploring, relaxing, being excited, but it is done with the head of person attached, not just the body and its vital organs. Either way is ok as long as it doesn't hurt someone. In this case, it is hurting you on an emotional level. It is difficult to love and respect and cherish someone when they tell you that they are balancing a checkbook, but in the meantime, eh um........:)   you know.     

If he is as successful as you say, and I believe he is, then he will be able to have a decent, intelligent conversation with you on this topic. If you both can't walk away with some semblance of commonality, I would say go for the annullment now. Save yourself some good years. If you are able to start the process of discussion, something that is crucial to all successful and good and loving marriages, then stick around. You might have found the man of your life, and he found his.

I would give him the 7 days to try to figure out not why he looks at porn, but why he is able to look you in the face and lie likes its nothing. My (ex) husband did this to me one too many times. After a while....who is the jerk?????!!!!!  Kimi

Appreciate the time you took to reply. What do I want to do? Wake up some a.m. and find him humbled. Dream on, right?

I'd not be lonely as I've made a life for myself since he was never into making "couple friends".  The kids usually tolerate me and enjoy my sense of humor. Financial stuff is important. The death of the dream...you really hit the nail on the head there. Knowing what a standout person he could be...I look back on my life and think of all the time I wasted with a loser, but a loser with possibilities. That is what kept me going, I guess. Totally agree with you on the covenant part too.

Where to go from here? I don't know but this is the first time I wrote on here and have had my Dr Phil acct for several years. I'm baby stepping it...when I tried counseling twice over the years the same conclusion was drawn by the ones who collected a fee for listening to me...dump the loser. I'm going to take the time to read your other posts as you make sense, I can tell you are a caring individual and should probably have your own shingle hanging to help those of us that are fence sitters!

I made the same mistake as you are. I became accountable for what HE was doing.! Before I met my husband, my life wasn't so great, but it was in some semblance of normalcy. I married my husband at 40. I divorced him at 48. REMOVE THE AGE! We are not numbers! We are spiritual beings living a human experience. What is your spirit begging for? What does it need to feel safe and good and protected?

Remove the porn...remove the alcohol......what do you have left? A man. Another spirit. YOur desire to wait for him to wake up is based on what you expect him to be. He is who he is. I had to accept that too. We are who we are. We change only when it suits US, ever notice that?  I had/have still, physical symptoms of afteraffect of being in a relationship that was not meant to be. Why did I stay married for 7 years then? Because I thought like you. I thought .....one day.....he'l wake up ......and see how wonderful I am....how good our marriage can be......etc. ......nothing I did, or didn't do, made him able to see how his actions were hurting me on a level that even if he didnn't understand, at least should have been able to ease my worried mind.

If you are unhappy, angry that is making you ill, what part of that says you are healthy? What part of that says you know how to take care of yourself? Even if it means ending a bad relationship? YOu can't blame him anymore for your unhappiness......I had to stop blaming my husband for mine..........so I left.

Its been 8 months now. Its not so great being single at 48.....but I date now and its not really that bad. I date people my age.....its kind of fun to hang out with a guy that is in his late 40's, 50's and talking about growing old. :)

There is no reason a number should dictate whether you are deserving of happiness or not. How silly is that?! Grow yourself a set of ovaries and take a deep breath, and walk away from the dysfunction, addictions and future pain and misery............or stay........kimi