Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

That was the hardest thing for me to overcome...the death of my dream of a happy, fulfilling marriage and family life. Not a lot of people get that....it was/is harder to get over than my husband's betrayal of me and his children, harder to get over than the many changes in my life that resulted from the failure of my marriage. I also married a loser with possibilities. I also married a narcissist and porn/pot addict who cheated on me if I didn't provide what he needed when he needed it. I fence-sat for too many years. I capitulated and went into a neutral corner many times over 26 years of marriage. I fought the 'good fight', was in counseling many times over for problems caused BY HIM that were only dealt with BY ME, and I too hung in there, hoping and praying and trying and fighting for a good outcome, but not realizing for quite a number of years that MY WORK ALONE wasn't enough and couldn't save us. It was folly for me to think it could, but I had that damned dream, and it was everything to me. There is a saying, "Dreams die hard," and I couldn't agree more.

Oh, and a little postscript: my divorce became final on May 13, 2008. We went to court to dissolve the marriage on September 3, 2004. I found out about his affair in 2002. It took 3 years and 8 months to finalize the divorce because my ex fought me on everything we 'agreed' on in '04. He fought (and lost) until the last. But, he had an agenda, one that was to him worth fighting for, I guess. He had to grind my guts and make me "pay" for not capitulating to him this time. So, 6 years total, but now it is well and truly over. And now, finally, it can become part of my past and no longer part of my present. Now my real recovery begins.

I don't know if this is the right word, but congratulations, on your new freedom. I am still married to my husband although we separated 8 months ago. I also sat on the fence, although not so quietly, or not as quietly as he would have liked , lol, but sat, never the less.

 

Until we are ready, we will stay in situations that are harming us but also teaching us very valuable lessons about ourselves and what we believe to be true. Then we see the light, then we move. Not a minute sooner.

 

I believe we all hope for the dream of bliss, but bliss is not in one particular person, but in the whole of it. How can we really know or expect someone to be something to us when it is unpredictable and ever changing? We change all the time, of course we are going to have discomforts. We are ever changing, therefore, constantly suffering. But to see the "poison" as "medicine", that is powerful. 

 

We all fall into patterns of behavior. It is not always easy to see that a pattern might not necessarily be the "best" choice. :) Can we admit when we made a mistake? Can our friends admit when they have hurt us, whether intentionally or not?

 

Dreams may die hard, but then we wake up and live!!!!!!

Kimi

Your line "grow yourself a set of ovaries"...I hadn't heard that one before but mine were taken out surgically many years apart! LOL, LOL

We've been married 36 years and it's truly rediculous that communication is so bad. For instance I did the Dr Phil relationship test and then emailed it to my husband. After a couple of days I questioned if he had done it...claims he had no time. LOL Honestly...it is so stupid. I scored mine and it wasn't the very worst category but the next one. "Emotional Divorce" was part of the scoring. I can accept that.

It's well after midnight so will close. We each have a sibling in very ill health. I am always one to give an allowance for other things dwelling on our minds. It can always be bleaker.

When we have our perspectives in a healthy order, we look at the crises and treat it as such, and the non crises, as such. That is what we do in life. We choose our fights. We accept that which we cannot change.  Emotionally, you say you checked out a while ago. I scored high in that category as well. But I wonder how detached I really was?! Our emotions should not be what judges us anyway. But detaching means surrender to something that has potential to hurt us so that when it does, in a surrender mode, we are not taken by it; the rug gets pulled from under us but we get up faster this next time. Now, we can use to the rug being pulled and notice certain things don't irritate us as much after we have put more thought into it and not taken the cause and effect so personally, or even personally, at all!

 

Most things have the potential to be better one day, worse the next. Better, worse. It can always be bleaker, or better, as a matter of fact, it is going to be. Its easy to love someone when they are behaving nicely, difficult to love them when they are not. I think true love comes from being able to accept that at times we are not going to be thrilled with the way our s/o does things or choices that they make. Loving someone does not mean though that we are meant to take abuse, neglect or rejection. We can love someone that abuses us, neglects us, it happens all the time, but it is sad to see a good life go to waste on someone that does not appreciate what the gift of life that person is offering to them.

I posted on this board over a month ago.  You may remember...My husband and I have been married over 2 years.  I found on his days off he would look at porn (which was about once a week).  When I found out by looking at the history, he would deny it and lie about it.

 

We are currently separated.  He moved out at the end of March for lots of reasons.  He doesn't think that porn is one of the issues.  He thinks that he is a "grown a** man" and can see what he wants.

 

Last time I posted on this board, you all said that he is probably still looking at p and probably even more so.  Well, you were right!  When I go over to visit him, when I can I try to check his computer.  There he doesn't ever delete the history.  I have found that he looks at it several times a week and then when I do come over and want to be intimate, he either does not want to, or he does not have an o***.  That is very frustrating to me, because I still feel that he is cheating on me and just has s*x because I want to.

 

Tonight, we went out and before we left he was changing his clothes.  I quickly got on his computer to check the history.  Of course, you know what I found.  I wasn't able to completely get out of the history before he came back into the room.  I was able to turn the monitor off though.  Anyway, when we returned to his apartment later, he turned his monitor on and saw that I had been in his history.  Of course, I denied it.  duh!  He asked why.  I didn't say anything. 

 

He thinks that he is moving back in with me after a year (when his lease is up).  I don't think I can have him live with me if he continues to do this.  I also can't talk to him about it because he thinks I'm wrong in thinking he's cheating on me.  I knew he would also get angry if I brought it up, so I didn't.

 

Isn't it true that if men m/b that their libido is low?  Isn't that why he is not interested in me because he is taking care of it himself?  What constitutes "addiction"?  Once a week, every day? 

 

I want our marriage to work, but not if he continues to do this.  If I confront him about it, I know that he will "delete" the history before I come over, suspecting that I might try to see it.

 

You all give such caring advice.  I just need to hear from you who have been there.  Thanks so much!

Let me just say one thing : If you want to know how something will turn out, look at the history!

 

I understand your wishes that he would have had a moment to think of his life, his relationships, his actions, while you are separated. I understand you also knew, in the back of your mind, that by leaving, not too much would have changed for him, other then now he doesn't have to be concerned that you are going to snag him with his porn. I say snag in a non violent way. Snagged! Isn't that what you are doing? Aren't his fears justified that you are a crazy lunatic woman? Hasn't he proven his point that you are a snooper and a nosey body and he is just a regular guy doing what most guys do???????

 

You see, this is the mindset behind guys like this and they draw in women, like us, who will believe it!!! I see your posts like I would see mine if I looked back. Its called denial and its called not knowing how to deal with a situation so that we can come out of it healthier, not sickly. Not all people that look at porn are sickos, or intimate monglers, perverts, (well....) or bad people. Porn is one of those things that tempt even the strongest of people. Its made to look so harmless, non threatening, even sexually healthy!!!!...so of course there is going to be an element of sitting on the fence wondering if your husbands porn use is a casul thing or a daily occurance. If its a casual thing, then I would write that off as an inability to control sexual longings, and this happens from time to time.....on the other hand, working all day, stopping for gas, groceries, and dinner, coming home and taking a shower and lying down on the couch to watch telly or listen to music.....but NO.......all that but instead of listening to music, flip on some chics having sex.  There is an inability to control themselves.

 

I don't think you should spend too much time dating your husband without setting yourself up for some disappointments. Don't you truly believe that if he wanted your relationship to work, he would at LEAST be cool enough to not let you discover the stuff again, just to stop adding MORE pain to your life, at LEAST until you and he have formed some kind of solid ground again? No. Because he doesn't care.

 

I hate to say it that way but think about it..........................................................................................................

 

If you want something bad enough, don't you do things to bring you closer to that vision?????????

 

What is he doing to prove to you that he wants this to work????

Let me just say one thing : If you want to know how something will turn out, look at the history!

 

I understand your wishes that he would have had a moment to think of his life, his relationships, his actions, while you are separated. I understand you also knew, in the back of your mind, that by leaving, not too much would have changed for him, other then now he doesn't have to be concerned that you are going to snag him with his porn. I say snag in a non violent way. Snagged! Isn't that what you are doing? Aren't his fears justified that you are a crazy lunatic woman? Hasn't he proven his point that you are a snooper and a nosey body and he is just a regular guy doing what most guys do???????

 

You see, this is the mindset behind guys like this and they draw in women, like us, who will believe it!!! I see your posts like I would see mine if I looked back. Its called denial and its called not knowing how to deal with a situation so that we can come out of it healthier, not sickly. Not all people that look at porn are sickos, or intimate monglers, perverts, (well....) or bad people. Porn is one of those things that tempt even the strongest of people. Its made to look so harmless, non threatening, even sexually healthy!!!!...so of course there is going to be an element of sitting on the fence wondering if your husbands porn use is a casul thing or a daily occurance. If its a casual thing, then I would write that off as an inability to control sexual longings, and this happens from time to time.....on the other hand, working all day, stopping for gas, groceries, and dinner, coming home and taking a shower and lying down on the couch to watch telly or listen to music.....but NO.......all that but instead of listening to music, flip on some chics having sex.  There is an inability to control themselves.

 

I don't think you should spend too much time dating your husband without setting yourself up for some disappointments. Don't you truly believe that if he wanted your relationship to work, he would at LEAST be cool enough to not let you discover the stuff again, just to stop adding MORE pain to your life, at LEAST until you and he have formed some kind of solid ground again? No. Because he doesn't care.

 

I hate to say it that way but think about it..........................................................................................................

 

If you want something bad enough, don't you do things to bring you closer to that vision?????????

 

What is he doing to prove to you that he wants this to work????

Thank you so much for your response!  I value you what you have to say!

 

One more question.  Let's say I confront him "again" about porn, (which I don't like to do).  He becomes angry, defensive, etc.  I give him an ultimatum, either me or the porn.  He chooses me (or says he does).  How will I know if he is still watching it?  I'm sure that he will delete the computer history.  Seems I would always be doubting and wondering if he is looking at it.

 

Thanks again!

Lets say you confront him about it your feelings on porn use and how you feel it is creating a wedge between the two of you or how you would like him to try to explain to you, in a non angry, non defensive way, his feelings on porn in his and your life. You might be surprised at what he has to say. Give it one more try, try to keep as open a mind as possible, remove the doubts, self loathing, and be ready to talk to him like an adult about our sexualities. If he gets defensive, despite your calm approach and (make sure to do it when you are not tired or he just walks in the door!). Prepare him for a time that is good for both of you.

 

If you give him an ultimatum and he says he wants you more then he wants the porn, then you have to open your heart and believe him. Let his actions help you make your decision. If he is still using, you will find out. Your always doubting and wondering because, well, he has lied to you, and again, and again and again. Heck. Maybe after a while we even start questioning our questions!

 

If you feel like a bad guy. Don't. I am telling you this and I don't know you. There are always two sides to a story. But chapters change, there is a middle and an end. Are there any changes? The only way to know that would be to give it another shot, make a change, and see if you remain in the middle or are leaning towards the end of this saga, move on to a fresh book.

 

Why don't you like to confront him? Is it because it goes nowhere? Or do you feel you have no rights? What are you afraid of?

It's been a little while since I have been on here.  I just thought I would give an update on how things were going.  My husband and I have been working on things in our marriage.  With all the problems we have had in the past year sometimes I still wonder how things got off track.  He has been working on changing himself and said it would not happen overnight but has been truely sorry for everything he has done and put me through.  Having such a huge trust issue now I normally say "Believe it when I see it".  Well, I actually have seen it. He has done alot better. Not only with how he is with me and our daughter but with others and family. He doesn't seem to be hiding on his computer like he was.  As for what he does when he is away from home, well I'm trying.  I don't check his computer and phone bill as much anymore. Sorry I can't help myself sometimes. I am happy to say that I haven't found anything in a while. Its fewer and farther apart. Trust issues don't go away overnight either. I'm feeling less stressed and our family life seems to be getting better. We are planning a family vacation in a month. We do need some time away. I'm hoping for  more progress from both of us in the future, and hopefully putting all this in the past where it belongs.  Wish me luck and give us prayers, its still along road ahead.