Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Lets say you confront him about it your feelings on porn use and how you feel it is creating a wedge between the two of you or how you would like him to try to explain to you, in a non angry, non defensive way, his feelings on porn in his and your life. You might be surprised at what he has to say. Give it one more try, try to keep as open a mind as possible, remove the doubts, self loathing, and be ready to talk to him like an adult about our sexualities. If he gets defensive, despite your calm approach and (make sure to do it when you are not tired or he just walks in the door!). Prepare him for a time that is good for both of you.

 

If you give him an ultimatum and he says he wants you more then he wants the porn, then you have to open your heart and believe him. Let his actions help you make your decision. If he is still using, you will find out. Your always doubting and wondering because, well, he has lied to you, and again, and again and again. Heck. Maybe after a while we even start questioning our questions!

 

If you feel like a bad guy. Don't. I am telling you this and I don't know you. There are always two sides to a story. But chapters change, there is a middle and an end. Are there any changes? The only way to know that would be to give it another shot, make a change, and see if you remain in the middle or are leaning towards the end of this saga, move on to a fresh book.

 

Why don't you like to confront him? Is it because it goes nowhere? Or do you feel you have no rights? What are you afraid of?

It's been a little while since I have been on here.  I just thought I would give an update on how things were going.  My husband and I have been working on things in our marriage.  With all the problems we have had in the past year sometimes I still wonder how things got off track.  He has been working on changing himself and said it would not happen overnight but has been truely sorry for everything he has done and put me through.  Having such a huge trust issue now I normally say "Believe it when I see it".  Well, I actually have seen it. He has done alot better. Not only with how he is with me and our daughter but with others and family. He doesn't seem to be hiding on his computer like he was.  As for what he does when he is away from home, well I'm trying.  I don't check his computer and phone bill as much anymore. Sorry I can't help myself sometimes. I am happy to say that I haven't found anything in a while. Its fewer and farther apart. Trust issues don't go away overnight either. I'm feeling less stressed and our family life seems to be getting better. We are planning a family vacation in a month. We do need some time away. I'm hoping for  more progress from both of us in the future, and hopefully putting all this in the past where it belongs.  Wish me luck and give us prayers, its still along road ahead.

I guess I should have known that there would be a message board about this topic here. I have talked about it on my network of sites and haven't had a big response, although the page with that carries the information concerning porn on my site is always busy. It tops the charts in my numbers.

 

I tried to start a support group on Yahoo about this but again, I didn't get many takers. And when I would, they weren't active.

 

I have to say that for some reason, I clicked on my Dr. Phil newsletter this month, right now instead of half way through the month because I'm always so busy and when I did, I clicked on the message boards link, thinking that I had some things to say about recent shows. I couldn't remember my login. I clicked the link, but still couldn't remember it. So I went to my passwords and saw the registration email but there was no password or user name, just a link. So I clicked it and guess what - somehow I ended up here.

 

Funny how tuning in on your inner feelings or intuition works. I have a husband who is addicted to porn. It has eaten up my self esteem and buried any sexual feelings I could ever have for him. We don't have sex anymore. It's been at least one year since the last time, but in the past five years we've had sex less than five times. That includes any kind of sex. I just won't do it.

 

He doesn't seem to care how I feel about it either. He won't stop. So recently, I quit sleeping with him period. I have been sleeping on the couch because when I go to bed, he gets on my computer and starts viewing all these pictures and I wake up and see it and I feel so sick I can't sleep. I've written him letters, talked to him and now told him I won't sleep with him anymore because of what he's doing and how much it upsets me, but he just does it anyway.

 

We've only been married for twelve years. When I met him I was recovering from a lifetime of domestic violence and abusive relationships. The last thing I wanted was to get involved with an abusive man. He is eleven years older than I am. He didn't seem to have any abusive tendencies so as was my habit, I married him. I needed to be with a man or I couldn't survive. It's the way I was raised and until a few years ago, I thought that's what life was about.

 

We had many things in common when we met, but I was especially fragile. I didn't know what was happening in reality. We had a decent relationship compared to what I was used to. I had just had a baby and was losing my baby weight and feeling good about myself. I had escaped from domestic violence and had relocated to a new state. I was beginning my life over and I wanted the best for my two youngest kids - a life with no violence. We had what I would call a normal sex life for a few months after we got married. Then things began to change.

 

He would begin to talk to me during sex and always include having another woman with us, a redhead. A few times at the beginning I thought he was just fantasizing, but this became his obsession. Then it began to be clear to me that he was into certain fetishes that I had known nothing about. He began talking to me about them and the more we had sex - the more empty I began to feel as he talked about things that turned him on - I didn't feel like there was any connection between us anymore.

 

I didn't know I had Post traumatic stress disorder at that time. This behavior on his part was triggering me into the depths of a deep depression. I was also experiencing night eating syndrome, which was triggered after a lengthy remission I'd been experiencing. I was self medicating with food because there was no alcohol or drugs in our lives - food was my primary agent to self medicate anyway - and he was happy to bring home sweets and sabotage my attempts to stop night eating. (Night eaters eat more than 2/3 of their calories at night and mostly choose white flour/sugar foods to binge on.)

 

With a full blown case of PTSD, depression and this night eating syndrome, I spent one year in my bedroom and began to gain a huge amount of weight. I kept trying to help myself, but it was so difficult because of my symptoms of PTSD and depression. I was visiting therapists trying to find a good match, and after seeing about 10 different ones that had 10 different answers, about 3 years later I found someone that was experienced and a good match for what I needed. The best I could find in Dayton anyway.

 

Still his continued porn use before the computer and his endless talking during sex had caused us to go without. We were having a very difficult time because I was so caught up in my mental illness symptoms that I couldn't go to work anymore. I just sat in my room. A friend of mine gave me a computer to try to get me out of my funk. When I found the counselor and received a diagnosis - I got some meds and began going to counseling weekly.

 

For the first two years of counseling and meds I never got to the issue of my husband's porn habits. I had too much to deal with in my past and myself. I began researching things on the internet and I believed that more than ever I wanted to help others that were going thru the same thing I was. I began designing websites. I taught myself how to use the computer and how to do HTML codes and then how to make my own graphics. I researched everyday mental health, all the anxiety disorders, eating and sleeping disorders and then lifestyle factors.

 

I began to form a small network of free sites concerning everything I was learning in my research and counseling. Finally, I had come to a point where my counselor couldn't help me anymore. She was just not challenging me enough. I began to challenge myself. So onward and forward I went. I now have a network of 28+ sites. I correspond with hundreds of people who are having the same problems I had and those who are even experiencing different things but need support from someone.

 

I've helped college students doing their thesis' and high school students doing their reports on mental health and other topics. I've had several support groups on Yahoo groups that I moderate, but still this one problem of my husband and his porn habit haunt me.

 

I was unfortunate to have broken my leg 5 years ago and it healed badly with over a two year recovery time in a wheel chair. I have gained 100 pounds. All I can do is sit. It's very hard on me. It's harder that I have to sleep on the couch now because my husband has now told me that he could never have sex with me because I've gained so much weight. He hates me sleeping on the couch though, and sometimes I think I am doing it just to get back at him, but really - I can't take waking up to him looking at porn at 3 am in the morning.

 

He has no intent of quitting this habit. While I feel my life has flourished in so many ways, learning to cope with life in general, stopping the night eating, continuing to fight some very in depth phobias and successfully beating some, I'm still on my meds, but I feel stuck. I don't have a support system for myself. I need it. It's so hard because I don't have friends and family that is close or even supportive if they would talk to me about my problems. They're already wrapped up in theirs.

 

I've been steadily gaining my power back and even beating the words of my father that have held me back in so many of my attempts to use my God given talents and become the genuine person that I know is there. It's amazing what I've accomplished. I've had to re-parent adult children who have had issues through the domestic violence I experienced throughout my life. We've had many years of talking, debating and healing with each other and raising two younger kids - now both teenagers - trying to use the education I've given myself to do what's right with them.

 

It's a very painful thing to deal with when your spouse would rather look at pictures of other women's body parts that be intimate with you; it's heart breaking. I will never get married again, should I sometime decide to leave this husband over it. I'm through with that. It's not what I need. I would like to fix what I have, but I have no idea what to do with him. I've tried everything I know about. He knows I will never accept it. Our life together is friendly, but not intimate in anyway.

 

I choose to do very little with him although we spend lots of time together because he is retired and I don't work. (Well at a paying job at least. I'm always busy, but he says I"m not working to make money so I don't work.) I work hard to make myself better. I am still educating myself daily and writing. I work on the websites and I write. Soon I'm hoping to make some money with my writing. I would also like to start some foundations or charitable organizations which I have worked on some.

 

What can I do and where is the information concerning this topic? I haven't found much of it. I know that women dealing with this are probably an experiment being performed right now...

 

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 

Kathleen 

 

There are several people on this board that are very helpful when it comes to this topic.  I have also found 2 additional websites that are geared to partners of porn addicts.  One is no-porn.com and the other is recoverynation.com.  I have learned a lot from this site as well as those I mentioned.

 

I feel your pain.  My husband and I have been separated for 2 months due to lots of reasons.  Porn is one of them.  He doesn't feel he has a problem and I do.  At this point, I am about ready to give him an ultimatum, porn or me.  This has not been easy.  Remember, this is not about you!  It has nothing to do with you!  Please continue posting on this board for support and check out the others.  They will help!

I appreciate your kindness and swift reply. I'll check out those sites and thanks again for taking a moment to care!

Kathleen

I am really sorry your life was so hell bent. Mine wasn't too hot either. But we keep plucking away right? Sometimes not so great; sometimes we move in big steps, sometimes small; sometimes we take a few steps back, one step forward, as long as we keep moving in either direction, we are alive. Every day we have an opportunity to see life and experience life. If we wake up every morning with the same  clouds above us, we 'have to ' ...somehow sheild ourselves, with an umbrella, a raincoat, .... denial?.

 

Your reaching out to others is to be commended. I could not have helped a fly when I was experiencing my marriage falling apart due to his porn and phone sex usage.  And I don't mean to imply that porn was the only issue standing in the way of us getting close. He had past issues, so did I, so do we all. Your experiences are unfortunate, but so many others suffer similar, or worse.  I went to school to become a licensed massage therapist whilst in the midst of trying to see if this marriage was workable. We have no children (by choice) and my options were far greater then most because of that. But it still did not make it an easy decision to have to make. We don't enter marriage expecting it to end, although, we know the possibility and the actual act of departing will eventually happen....either by divorce, or death. We all have expiration dates and what we do with each moment, is our call. If we choose to give to others what we can, accept and appreciate what others have to offer us, we will better off then seeing ourselves as a victim of life.

 

I am sorry you had medical issues. I also suffererd many anxities and also PTSD in a sense, from my life. My husband was just another bad mistake....or was it???????

 

I don't believe nothing is by accident but it is the course of events that will take place. Our journey here is to explore and better our lives....day by day. If we stay in the muck of destruction, being with people that do not honor us, our humaness, we should not spend too much time with them. Not to say we won't be forced into it once in a while. Our days of depression and anxiety are usually contributed to our own misunderstanding of events and get forced into facing them. I think depression and anxiety are our greatest lessons! :)

 

I don't like them......I hate them.......I am trying to learn to like them and make them work in my favor somehow. :)

 

Don't you realize you PICKED him? And you stayed with him and you even had a child with him, right? Those were your choices...now you are not liking it.......sometimes we buy something because we think it'll give us what we want, what we worked hard to achieve, we buy into believe systems, or get body surgery, or lose or gain weight, or smoke or drink. Don't you see? WE all suffer. It takes a lot to understand that my deepest suffering, losing my mom last year, was so traumatic, I am still recovering, but there comes a time when we have to choose LIFE, not the things that have died for us. or on us or within us.

 

The fact that you reach out to so many people is to be commended. I wish you luck in all your ventures and hope you continue posting here. You sound like a level headed individual. Remember, we all have fears. WE all suffer. We all want the same thing. And we all have to figure out the best way of obtaining it. KIMI 

 

 

I have been in a 20 year marriage and have suffered from a yoyo relationship. My husband looking at porn from before we were married. His promises to stop so believable that even I believed them time and time again. I look back at my diaries and my letters to him and it makes me sick. I look back at his "please forgive me" letters and it makes me even more sick. We are still married and I am considering divorse. We separated in the house a year ago and I think that he is in shock that I have not conceded again to his "im sorry. I'll never do it again." I found a note that made me sick saying "I never thought she'd leave me. I never thought she'd find me out."  I had his computer sent to a forensic specialist after he had wiped it clean and it made me sick what I found. I think that I've been in denial for years. Repressing my emotions as I gradually got more andmore depressed and withdrawn. He now is again promising me and doing his best to be on his best behavior to convince me of his sincerity. I never know when enough is enough. When do you give up? I never wanted to be divorsed and when he is in his "promising" mode he is so convincing and loving. What to do. Any advise is helpful. Our situation in the house is hard and the kids are suffering. His desire to look at young 19 year old girls worries me with my beautiful young daughter going into puberty. I've been in theropy for a year to help recover from my deeply repressed feelings and still find my self saying "it's not that bad" and burying my feelings.  Do I trust AGAIN? Help please.

hi ddforlife

I am on the run but your post touched me, and I wanted to say a few things.

Each of us will give up when our circumstances dictate. Many of us don't want divorce but sometimes that is the only answer when all is said and done - when everything has been tried, chances given over and over etc. I think a general guideline is when it hurts more to stay than leave - this is just an indication.

I am married to a porn addict and have spent a lot of time learning about it - it takes some of the sting out and helps to understand what is going on. There is no trust for a long time - they broke the trust and it has to be earned back - and not by empty promises and words but by action.  there is help available for porn addicts and if he is serious about quitting he should get help. Tell him he has to take action, not give you promises. There are sex therapists out there who deal specifically with this kind of thing. there are many other resources too, and if he is serious he will find them.

For you, keep going to therapy and dealing with your issues and I hope you discuss the hurt and emotions that his porn use has brought into your relationship. I would not trust his words, but would want to see him looking for a plan of action for recovery. It has been 20 years and his word has not been good up to now. Serious action is required on his part, in my opinion.

take care   jljs

I am new to this, but am looking for a place to get advice since this is an embarrassing subject. here is my story... Married almost 14 years, 2 kids.  The outside world thinks we are a perfect family - lots of family time.  When I met my husband he liked porn. No more than other guys I knew. I trusted (big word) and assumed he was done with it after we were married. Over the years he has slowly become verbally abusive. not bad, just joking remarks here and there. Over the past year we both lost our mothers.  In november he told me he was going to a football game in Philadelphia tied into a business trip. Before his trip, I found porn cd's and some sex toys for men. I began to question his trip. He was very antsy but had an answer for everything. He went on his trip. I called the hotel where he was supposed to stay. He wasnt there. I found out he went to Atlantic City. He denied everything.  I put everything out of my mind and tried to go on. The other day, I found more toys and he now has 19 cd's!  Interactive cds. As I write this, he is on a business trip in AC.  He packed his toys to take with him. I don't even know how to approach this with him. Advice?  I am ready to ask him to leave, but it would devastate my kids.

 

He lied and continues to lie. When we discovered the toys you should have asked him who are they for? If he said him. then ask him why he is taking them on a business trip. But if you choose to question his actions, then when you find out the answer, choose to ignore it (which is what you are doing) you are going to continue to bang your head against a wall. If a person lies, and you confront them with this lie, and they admit to it, there is a chance of recover. But if a person lies, and you contront them with this and they deny it, the chance of healing and recovery will be zero because nothing has changed.

 

Do you think your kids would be proud of him if they discovered his toys?  instead of you? Take the bull by the horns......he is walking all over you.