Quote From: luvabelleI have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. From the third month in, I found TONS of porn on his computer. Of course, he lied about it. I didn't believe him, but I kind of pretended it didn't happen. He wouldn't have sex with me, which I thought was odd, our relationship still being new and all.
Over the years I have continually found porn, I have also found e-mails to another woman telling her how crappy our relationship was (I thought everything was fine). I also found attempts on myspace to hook up with other woman. Again, I confronted him, and again, he apologized up, down, sideways.
Now it's been almost six years and I recently installed a keylogger on our computer. Not only was he having cybersex with women before I would come home from work, but he did he immediately when I went to work.
Now, here I am.... going to a psychologist trying to figure this all out. We are going together to try to fix this. His problem is lying, TREMENDOUSLY. He blamed me for his porn and cybersex use. Then he took it back. It's like no matter what he says, it's always a lie.
How do I learn to let go of all of his good qualities? I feel like I'm clinging to those and letting them outweigh his inability to be faithful. (Which has always been so important). I feel so confused, and don't know what to do.
It doesn't matter how long we spend with someone, we all have the capacity to say and do things that hurt those we care about, a lot.Our most difficult times, like you are going through now, is something subconsciously you set up. Its a hard concept to digest. When we are miserable, whether it is caused by someone elses' actions or ours, we get to see a part of ourselves that brought us to this exact place. You want to see the good in him, in your relationship, when pain has been inflicted. If he knows he hurt you, he should apologize and if he loves you he would show it in ways that make you see he is sorry and he had a lapse of immaturity, or selfishness or deeper issues that keep him from being able to lie to you.
Back to porn. I found loads of porn and my ex didn't hide it; which makes it even more abusive. When he would lie about it because he saw it was a sore spot with me, it drew the wedge that broke the camels back. Its a no go either way.
To your question "how do I learn how to let go of his good qualities?" I would say don't try because you are trying to convice yourself that what you see and feel is not real or right. If you question his abilty to be faithful then you need to see why you feel this. He has given you good reason by the emailing the other woman, right? He c ontinues to overlook your concerns. Your confusion will only pass after you have made a decision.
Now that I am alone, (I have already messed up a good relationship because my self esteem is still very fractured) and as of tonite I blew off a wonderful man (that doesn't look at porn btw). You, me also, need to see why we do what we do, how we react, and how we sabotage our chances of freedom and happiness. You stay with him because you don't love yourself.
You need to work on your heart and strive for a better way of life and admit when you are defeated. You are defeated.
When you can see nothing you will do to change the situation you must either learn to love it or leave.
Leaving is harder.
I wish you luck and I hope we can continue to talk. I need someone right now myself. Take care.
