Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

It doesn't make you a weak person because you haven't left, it is a big step and one only you could decide to make.  Leaving means you have a lot of things you have to consider, how you will support yourself and your children especially if you are a stay at home mom, where you would live, being able to do it on your own.  One thing you shouldn't consider is the what if's as far as the what if he does change and throwing away a 20 year marriage.  If he does change it is because he wanted to change and chances are he won't change in the long run.  If he did, at least he is making himself a better person. 

 

A person shouldn't ever have to put up with violence in their lives.  That puts you and your children in danger and that is unacceptable.  You need to start packing away money in your own hidden savings account in case you do need to get out fast, you will have money to do so.  It also will save you if you decide to leave and he empties out all the joint accounts to keep you there or if he tries to control you with money.

 

Most of all you need some counseling to help you get the confidence for whichever decision you make.

 

Good luck and May God watch over you and your children.

 This subject was recently discussed via Cheryl Lavin, a relationship columnist with the Chicago Tribune. Her weekly column is carried by other papers, including the Detroit Free Press. You can go to the Chicago Tribune website to read both the original column and the replies to it. In the column, a woman wrote in to say that she was 42, and hadn't had sex with her husband for many years. He is 16 yrs. older than she. He has health problems. She said that she would never cheat on him, will not divorce him, loves him and is otherwise "happy." She writes that she has not had any luck discussing their lack of intimacy with him. He shuts down and won't talk about it. She doesn't know what to do and is miserable and longing for physical intimacy. Cheryl Lavin replied that although she does not condone affairs, perhaps the only recourse this woman has is to conduct a "discreet" affair, and encouraged her readers to give their opinions. Many did, me included. Some readers who are in the same boat as the woman said they have indeed had "discreet" affairs to fill the hole (pun intended) in their lives and to get the need for physical intimacy fulfilled. Some readers said that for the columnist to suggest an affair to "fix" the problem is a misguided and dangerous solution.  One reader suggested that the woman buy a vibrator, close her eyes, and start fantasizing.

There are many, many partners who, for valid or bogus reasons, no longer have sex with their spouses. Health and mental issues seem to be the main ones. Then there are people like you whose spouses have lost interest for whatever reasons. You do not give any reasons for your spouse no longer desiring sex with you, except that she has "let herself go", which I take to mean that she has gained weight. Is that why she won't have sex with you anymore? I myself have lost my desire to have sex due to the anti-depressant I am taking for severe depression. I am also anorgasmic because of it. I couldn't have one even if I wanted to. Thankfully, I am not in a relationship, so it is not an issue for me (or my partner, had I one.) I do miss having a physical relationship, but I don't miss feeling depressed. If I ever entered into another relationship, this would be an issue, one that I would discuss with my prospective partner.  But, in my reply to the woman who wrote in to the columnist, I also said that intimacy with your partner isn't just about intercourse, isn't just about a penis and a vagina meeting up. Physical intimacy involves so much more. As I have said before, our largest sex organ is our brain. For example, I know a married couple who have had to alter their expressions of intimacy towards each other due to a spinal injury suffered by the husband. He is a paraplegic, paralyzed from the waist down. His penis doesn't function anymore. However, his brain, hands, mouth and tongue work just fine. Somehow (wink, wink) they have great, fulfilling sex and both couldn't be happier. I wonder if the woman in the column has ever asked her husband to alter his perceptions of what physical intimacy are, and to be there for HER even if he doesn't want sex for himself. Now, perhaps he won't give that to her. Won't be there for her in this way. What then? You asked in your post whether using porn was better than divorce or an affair. You also say that you are nearing the point of "giving up on her." And that porn isn't enough anymore. Based on what you have posted, perhaps divorce is a way to go, IF you two have gone down every road, exhausted every option, and have done everything you can to rehabilitate the relationship. Dr. Phil says we have to earn our way out of a marriage, and I agree totally with that. Ask yourself what you have done to rectify this problem. I'm sure it isn't the only problem your marriage has. Unless your wife's health precludes having physical sex, there are other reasons, deeper reasons. If your communication with and emotional intimacy with your wife was good and healthy, I doubt you would be having this particular problem. You must do everything in your power to find out what's really going on,and step up to your responsibility regarding it. I have found Dr. Phil's book, 'Relationship Rescue' to be good at defining and clarifying these issues. There are others. Perhaps some counseling, by yourself, with a good therapist who specializes in marriage and family counseling would be a good step. See, in the end we can only control our own actions, but our behaviors and actions can and do affect and influence those around us, and our spouses and children more than anyone else. I believe in marriage, and would never condone an affair. Yes, I know people do it, and can justify their reasons. But, to paraphrase Dr. Phil again, you never solve a problem within a marriage by going outside of it. IMO, only after you have explored the reasons and issues that have made your marriage what it is, and have done everything you can to solve the problems and rectify the issues, only after you have done that, and have found that even after doing so the marriage is irretriveably broken and unfixable, then and only then should you divorce and move on with your life. Anything else will leave unfinished business, you will have learned nothing about yourself, and you will leave a path of emotional wreckage and heartbreak in your wake. Sorry, but you don't do that to people you claim to love. Good luck to you.

I hope what I have to say is helpful.

 

Ask yourself the same question: "What if a wife is loving and faithful in every way and never gets sex or intimacy from her husband? What if he has let himself go (or fill in the blank, too busy, not attentive enough, doesn't make enough money, can't cook for crap) ? These things are choices that we make on day to day basisis.  We run to "other" things when we don't know what else to do......but you are feeling invisible. Has she rejected you on all levels? Do you spend a few hours a week just hanging out and maybe laughing together? Do you enjoy a good walk once in a while (or fill in the blank to what you find enjoyable). Is it strictly sexual that she is not interrested? Has your sex life become boring or affected in some way for both of you for some reason?

 

It sounds like she pulled the plug (withdrawing) when she was not feeling content with you....and you pulled the plug (porn) when they didn't go well for you. It is crucial not to let big things slip by because they won't disappear. It may be easier not to confront one another but we need to be able to express ourselves emotionally, sexually and physically. 

 

My suggestion would be to see if the reasons for the start of the demise of your marriage are still present and if so, you can suggest talking about them. Clear the air. If you can't get a conversation out of her then she has pulled away and things probably won't ever change.  So before you walk away from this marriage figure out what happened, see what you did to bring you to this point. A lot of times we are responsible for the destruction of our lives as much as we contribute to its good ness. 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Thank you for your response.. Im glad nothing I said offended you or anyone here.  

 

The body of your post basically states what it is that i miss about being with my wife::::  the intimacy we once shared. not just the meeting of our sex organs but of our minds as well.  I miss looking into her eyes as Im entering her & feeling that mental connection.  I miss savoring the moments when our bodies would touch.  i miss ALL of it.   Her mother passed away in 2000 & I have done all I can to help her thru it!  i have been very understanding & patient.  i think perhaps I might of given her too much space.  I dont feel as tho I need counselling as i do not have any issues altho i would be more then willing to go with her.  She feels as tho it is I who has the problem because it is I who wants to much sex!  more than the sex, I wish she wanted me & i also wish she would shave again as well as get her weight down to keep herself up looking more femenine. i would never cheat on her but these days that is getting much more difficult to resist. 

 

 

 

If the reason she ran to "other" things is because she does not know what to do, I have tried to help her with this!  i beleive it started with her mother's passing but then turned into more of a shes a mother & not a wife anymore type of atittude.   I think she doesnt feel content with her life any longer & i honesty don't think i have anything to do with that.  all I know is that I cannot live like this anymore.  I think your right when you say that she probaby won't ever change. 

 

Thanks for your reply..

 

  

Even if you are right (I have no reason to doubt you, you don't strike me as a liar or someone trolling for approval at all) she is seeing the problem differently than you.  This is why I personally think marital counseling would be good. If she goes alone and her only reason for going is because you've asked her to she won't stay motivated. If you go WITH her, if you admit that there is a difference of opinion on this, if you tell her that you think her opinion is valid(even though you disagree) and you want an objective third party to work you through this...and if you keep an open mind. (Because hey, no one is perfect right? I hope you know I am not BLAMING you, I am only trying to speak a bit from your wife's point of view) And if you are willing to find compromises and willing to work with her ups and downs things could get better.

Think about your poor wife...she's miserable, she depressed, dead inside. She lost her mother and let herself go with her. She can't truly be happy this way. She doesn't care about her appearance anymore, she doesn't feel attractive anymore, she doesn't feel lovable anymore. That can hurt...depression is often like wading in a vacant ocean just waiting for life to end. Your husband asking for sex is just another wave to ride out.

I think she CAN change...but like Kimi said...if she can get a dialog going. If she can spill to you, to someone. Something has to shift. It can be anything.

I have been depressed since the age of 12. I am now 29 and BARELY dealing with it. The idea of me turning 30, of living another decade of adulthood like this made me take the plunge and try therapy. It's working wonders for me. But there had to be a catalyst...you can be that catalyst, but you are going to have to push her a bit more. Either something will give or  you will reach your limit, but it is not fair to you to keep living this way.

Hi, everyone!  I'm new to the message boards, but I've been reading the postings here, and I feel like this might be a good place to get some of my feelings off my chest.  I've been married for 2 years, and we should still be in the honeymoon phase, but it's far from that. 

 

I knew my husband had an interest in porn early in our relationship, but it didn't seem to be a big issue at that point.  I just figured that most guys (especially bachelors) do look at an occasional video or magazine.  He assured me that he would never let it become an issue, though, and if I ever had a problem with it, he would get rid of it.  I thought "okay, I can live with that."  He was very affectionate and attentive toward me.  Our sexual relationship was good.  Everything seemed to be just fine.  Then, about a year into our engagement, things started to change.  Our sex life changed dramatically.  He didn't seem as interested in sex, and when we did have sex, he had a difficult time climaxing, unless it was oral sex.  Emotionally, he was also becoming disconnected from our relationship.

 

I addressed my concerns that perhaps the pornography was becoming more prevalent in his life and starting to interfere in our relationship.  He admitted that he was looking at magazines and/or watching videos 2 to 3 times a week, but he didn't think it had any bearing on our relationship.  He just attributed it to stress.  We had multiple conversations about the topic, though, because I continued to feel more and more edged out by the porn.  I felt as if pornography was more important in his life than me.  I started to really feel that I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt as if he had lost interest in me.  The porn was really starting to affect our relationship in every area.  Finally, I asked him to get rid of the porn (although I didn't tell him, I was planning to break off the engagement if he said no).  He had already told me earlier in the relationship that he wouldn't let it be a problem, but if it ever were, he'd get rid of it.  When I asked him to get rid of it, he agreed.  At first, anyway.  The problem seemed to go away just long enough for us to get married and settled into our life.  Then, he started moping about it and telling me that he felt like I was trying to control his life by asking him to get rid of the porn.  He really became so difficult to live with that I caved and agreed that he could get it back if he limited his usage and didn't let it interfere in our relationship, sexually or otherwise.  He promised he wouldn't let it become a problem again.

 

I feel like the stupidest person in the world for marrying him and believing that the issue was over.  Once he got his porn back, we just began the cycle all over again.  It got to the point where I became depressed because I felt that my husband didn't want me.  I felt like he was more interested in watching these other women on t.v. than in making love to me, a real live woman.  I also felt like he had no regard for my emotional well being.  I didn't understand how he, knowing how hurt I was, could continue to use porn as he did.  I really felt as if pornography meant more to him than our marriage and our life together.

 

After nearly a year of this, something finally sunk in with him that made him realize how hurtful pornography was to me and to our marriage.  He apologized for his behavior and acknowledged how hurt I was.  He also got rid of the porn.  He hasn't looked at any pornography for about 9 months. 

 

The problem is, it did so much damage to our marriage and to my emotions, that I don't know how to move past it.  I'm thankful that he's gotten rid of it, and I truly believe he's sincere in his apologies and his intentions of not ever bringing it back into his life.  I do think, though, that he expects I should just be able to move on and for things to be all better.  I've explained to him how hurt I am and that I need for him to really communicate with me in order to heal.  I need for him to tell me how much he loves me and to compliment me.  I need him to initiate sex.  The trust and security in our relationship that was violated must be rebuilt.  I'm not sure that he "gets" that, though. 

 

I feel like pornography has ruined our relationship.  It's made me bitter.  I feel so hurt and betrayed.  I feel almost as though he actually had an affair.  Even though it wasn't with a real person, he turned outside our relationship for sex, which, to me, is a wonderfully intimate thing shared between a couple.  He violated my trust, in that he was willing to hurt me and our marriage to satisfy his own wants.

 

There's much work to be done to resolve our problems.  I'm certainly willing to try to work through this, or I wouldn't still be in the marriage.  That being said, I am nearing the end of my rope.  I think he really needs to step up and actively participate in repairing this marriage.  As I said before, he doesn't think he needs to "romance me" or go out of his way to make me feel special and loved.  But if our marriage is to survive, I need to know that my husband loves me, and I need to have that sense of security in our relationship.  I don't have that right now.  He has agreed to read "Relationship Rescue" and to do the activites.  So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he follows through, and that it helps us move past this.

 

Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble.  It's just such a relief to be able to get all of this out.

 

Thanks for listening!

It is very possible that after she had children she was not able to continue on a wife and the role of mom probably took a lot out of  her. I never had children (by choice) but I would imagine it can put a damper on feeling romantic. She probably fell "out of love" with herself and it bled into your relationship. When the kids get a little older, it is then man and women can resume their romantic relationship. During that time, a couple can either ride the wave and when time allows, come back together. Sometimes this wave takes them to different parts of the shoreline. I apologize for using this analogy, its the only one that popped into my mind right now.

 

Some relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, even the ones that create life together. Choosing to have a family is a committment to create a life, then take responsibility for that life until they are creating lives of their own. During that time, a lot of sacrificing has to take place. Maybe you wife just got burnt out? Maybe she doesn't like herself anymore, heck, maybe she never did, and looked for happiness through your marriage and probably thought having kids would make her life complete. She may have used you to complete her, and that is always going to bring dissatisfaction because when we look outside of ourselves to find happiness, love and acceptance, and not really have it inside to begin with, we will never be content. If she is lacking in hygiene and gained some weight, what a lot of people may suggest is treat her to a day at a spa where she can get a wax, a massage and a healthy lunch. Then buy her membership to a really nice gym and get her a sweat suit. The rest is up to her. You can't do anything outside of helping "her" help "herself".

 

I am of course, only giving you my opinion and not knowing either one of you, it is not fair to give advice, but from what you say, if this has been going on for a while and the two of you have covered over the bridge that connects you together, it will take more work to clean up the mess. Thats why its really bad when people can't work out their amigo image together. That is what psychologist call when a person keeps picking out men or women that treat us like our father/mother did. How was her relationship with her dad? 

 

My dad used to pick on me a lot. That was how he expressed himself to me. I don't remember too much recognition, praise or attention coming my way from him. So what I now am attracted to, even though it is disasterous to my love life.  I am 48 and still having "love " problems. Our problems are our greatest gifts because then we can see how we want to change the course.  If we don't notice the problems, ignore them, run, look for band aids, we are losing out on a real chance at happiness. Its scarey to possibly look foolish, childish or stupid, but if we think that just because we don't tell anyone, (hide behind falsh promises, porn, denial, affairs, food, lack of personal caring) that we can "fool" everyone, ourselves included.

 

I would suggest offer her a hand, if she doesn't take it, stop waiting for her to!!!!! You are not being a bad guy by wanting more out of life and I am sure you hate that she is so unhealthy but there is NOTHING in your power to make her move on making changes. She is content where she is, even if she is miserable. This is her choice.

 

You have a choice too. Stop thinking about her armpits and fat, and start looking in the mirror.  See whats there. The answers come a lot faster when we ask the right questions.Do you feel you deserve better ?Do you believe someone else will be able to make you happier? Now look at the mirror and ask yourself are you so sure you are not looking for yet another diversion (problems in your marriage) to avoid confronting your own fears and weaknesses/and or desires? Once you remove her from the equasion of cause of your happiness, you will find ways to love yourself, and it won't be through porn. That is just a rebellious act and you are mad. :)

 

I hope I didn't confuse you but what I am trying to get at is try to take the focus off what "she" isn't/is doing and take a close look at how you want to run your life.

 

I won't hit on much right now but from reading the beginning of the post, he said he would stop it if it bothered you, meaning, its like cigarettes, clubbing, spending money, etc. but with that committment comes many more changes then just stopping the porn use.  He said he would stop because he knew that would appease you at that time. My ex did the same thing and he continued for the 7 years out of our 7 year marriage.

 

People make promises that they can't keep. Period.

 

His sex disinterest is linked to the guilt he feels knowing you are pissed at him for not keeping his promise. He is mad at you for making him make this promise. A lot of men want women like their mothers....they will accept every aspect of their child's personality. As adults in adult relationships, not every women is going to treat you like your mom did.  When a person shows us who they are....it is wise to believe it.

 

Porn is used by many, not used by many.  I think your husband does not like you. I am sorry to say that. What his reasons are are really not your problem unless he tells you something. Any person that can bring down a persons self esteem, contribute to their depressive thoughts, does not care. You very well could have made big mistake. If you are thinking of leaving him, do it because it does not sound like he is doing anything to meet you half way.