Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

My husband and I have been together for 27 years.  I beleive that porn is a form of adultry.  I feel that it changes a person's view of intimacy and sexuality.  I feel that one who uses this avenue of sexuality regularly changes their attitude toward intimate relationships in various detrimental ways.  Sex becomes an animalistic instinct with no human intelligence or intimate feelings.  I warned my husband right away in our relationship that I consider porn a form of adultry and an avenue to degradation.  He hid the fact that he was continuing to view porn throughout our marriage.  I filed for divorce over the issue once around 17 years ago.  I decided for various reasons to continue the marriage.  I wish I had not.  I recently, six months ago, caught him again...or actually our 22 year old daughter did.  I am devastated by the fact that he intentionally deceived me.  His activities have cost me most of my young life when I might have found someone who actually respected me and loved me.  Now, I feel that my life has been wasted.  I have never felt true intimate love and there's no chance for me to ever recover from that loss.  He insists that "now" he will quit.  He really loves me and he can change.  I don't really believe that...although part of me wants to.  Everything we have worked for...home...finances..lifestyle...family relationships are now in danger of destruction because of his selfish, self-centered ways.  I mostly feel that I want out of the relationship, even though, I have no idea what I might do with the remains of my life now at my current age.  I have ran through all the emotions: rage, disgust, sorrow, hepelessness, paranoia, mistrust, and sympathy for his ignorance.  Now, after six months of his begging, I just know that the relationship is pathetic.  My sex life feels twisted.  I feel degraded, ashamed and unwanted.  How could I ever compete with his porn sexual images?  I don't want to.  I do not choose to have my sexual life based on sheer animal indstinct...a few body parts...lust and no intimacy.  That is how I feel a lot when he wants to have sex with me now.  What kind of relationship is that?  I feel his mind is polluted with so much degrading, unreallistic imagery that he couldn't "make love" if he wanted to.  I'm sure he doesn't even know how or what that means.  I feel a deep need to connect on an intimate level.  I mean that I make love not lust.  When I want sex it is from a deep need to excite and please hom.  I aim to perform my love for him...intimate and extended from lving feelings...not animal lust.  I guess I feel if that's the only thing I sought out of sex then masturbation would be the quickest remedy for biological lust.  Everyone has a cold, uncaring, clinical side of their mind I guess.  I don't want to entertain that any more than I want to aim at regressing to a gorilla status.  Know what I mean?

 

 

I understand where you are coming from.  If he is like my mate of 27 years, he won't quit, he'll just hide it better.  Sad that these folks who chase these degrading images have such an impact on normal people.  I am struggling with the same thng you are.  I'm probably much older than you and have no chance now of ever having a true loving relationship with my husband or anyone else.  He sold our relationship out for some disgusting nuts and bolts animal images.  Now, they are in my head when I try to have loving sexual relations with him.  I doubt that will ever go away.  So, I will remain unfulfilled sexually if AI tay with him.  But, what's the chance at 56 I would ever be able to feel that way with anyone now/  Little I'm sure.  Aaaah, well...I lose.

Ever hear the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy?" If you think and/or believe that you are too old or that you will never "feel that way" with anyone ever again then guess what....you won't. What is in our heart (feelings) progresses to our heads (beliefs,) and then becomes our reality. I am a 51-yr. old woman who divorced her narcissistic, passive-aggressive, cheating, porn and pot addicted husband in 2004, after 26 years of marrige. We married at 21, had three children, built an outwardly successful life, he was my first love, blah, blah, blah. Being his wife became a living hell on earth for me, because it was only and always about him. Even so, I did not relish going through a divorce and dismantling my life, to start over again. But, the risks that the 'unknown' held for me were better in my view than the 'known' risks I had been taking with myself as his wife. I had invested way more in the relationship than I could afford to lose. Yes, I was scared and depressed and heartbroken. I hated the fact that I had to alter and change my life based on him and the choices and actions he had taken. But I did and I'm happy that I did. I took plenty of time for myself to heal, regroup, reconnect with friends, get to know myself again as myself, not as someone's wife or his partner. I have spent the last four years getting my life back on track and applying the lessons I had learned. Now I am certain about what I want and what I don't want. I am clear about who I am and that I am worthy of being loved as myself, in a mutually nurturing relationship. Up until this time, no men came across my path, but that's because I wasn't looking for any. I wasn't capable of being anyone's partner, and didn't want anyone to be mine. Now that I feel 'ready', I have had not one, but two men express an interest in me within the last two weeks. Interesting, isn't it? Are either of them the "one?" Don't know yet, but I'm ready to find out. And, if they're not, I can move on without pain or sorrow or regret and see who else shows up for my perusal. I know that, until I die (and I have no idea when that will be, do you?) I must keep living. There is still plenty in this world for me to do and see and experience and discover. I would not trade anything to be 'young' again. I earned who I am and who I am is enough. This youth-centered and -soaked culture of ours is bulls*** and I do not accept that I am invisible because I am 'old' by its standards. If that is the culture, then the culture is an ass!!!! Look, there are still more of us "baby boomers" on the planet than there are of any other age. We are the most educated generation and we will not go out quietly, I'll tell ya that. Colleges and Universities are becoming inundated with boomers attending to study for second degrees to start second careers. We are not retiring, we are beginning new lives, and we are not afraid of new technology. I wrote my sociology college paper on this subject this year, so I have researched this.

Again, I tell you that your 'fearful' thinking will keep you trapped and mired in your own misery. If you believe that you are finished as a woman, then you are. I ask you to not do that to yourself. Unless, that is what you need to tell yourself, the rationalization you need to use to stay where you are. If that works for you, then fine. Good luck.

 
I hope you thought you were talking to someone else.....because from what I read, your got this lady's situation completely wrong.

I see a lot of women coming on here talking about how their partner does not initiate sex, or they want the one kind of position....its as if something went wrong in their brain....and they are just stuck in a permanent trance. I dont have any experience with someone not wanting to be sexually intimate, or being stale and wanting the one thing. I believe it does affect the brain though....like others have said....they can zone out, and become cold when using.

I wish her luck as she goes through the book. She wrote such a beautiful post. Best one yet I think.
It might be just what she needs if its true that he has quit for 9 months now.

Also, I hope these guys aren't as bad as what has been said. I hope there lack of engagement and playfulness is a result of knowing that their girlfriend feels bad. Hopefully she can change that when she starts to look at him differently....otherwise I would move on.

I hope that these guys  do feel bad and their loss of engagement is due to this. From what I have seen, it starts out as a common thread that guys find entertaining, macho, narcissistic and throw in societial pressures to be a certain way, treat women a certain way, separate themselves from women , keep women in sexual content and the men remain far removed from the effects, outcome, never dealing with the repurcussions of what it is that their choices are truly saying about who they are, as men, in a woman's life.

 

Its an old fashioned mindset but it remains in tact today. I do understand that it is not easy for a guy. Most times (in the past) he has been the sole provider, the head of the household, making the money, therefore, being in control of whatever transpires within that household. When this is fact, it gives a person a sense of superiority. I will never understand why women have been so lazy and unmotivated with their lives but men have taken total advantage of this lack of concern to be independant. Women have used men for financial reasons, still do. I hear all the time how women get half of everything when a marriage ends, and probably the children. Women have used men, too.

 

Back to porn and sex within a relationship.  Sexual intimacy should never be an issue in a relationship. If anything......is goind wrong......it is usually not due to a sexual reason but an emotional, psychological one and sex is the first thing that can be used because it is the most obvious, and available.

 

No one can change a person but by our actions we can set a precedent and maybe others will follow. But I wouldn't count on that happening too soon. Unless a person sees what they are doing, what they have done, and move forward with wisdom and true desire for change, no book, no movie, no therapy, no law, is going to be the thing that creates true change. I was not aware that he was changed for 9 months.That is good. Then why is she upset? I am sorry. I must have missed something. :)

 

 

 

 

Hey Pen. I was mostly talking about men when I said that. I probably should've stated that as well as stating that there are exceptions. A lookie loo? Never heard of that one before lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. I wish my mom could read your post. I've been telling her for years that she's not "old and washed up" (her words). I think she looks awesome for her age but ever since my dad divorced her, her drinking has gotten worse and when she calls me sometimes to vent, I feel so bad for her because there's nothing I can say or do to comfort her or convince her that her life isn't over!

 

I also agree with you about the "youth-soaked" culture you talked about. It's like society has forgotten about older people and their contribution to this world but instead, only focuses on teens, college students and anything to do with that lifestyle. I'm sick of it too and I'm almost 26! You gave that lady great advice. I only hope she reads it and takes it to heart.

 

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, you read my mind! I agree with you totally on the "youth-soaked" attitude of society. It's so true. I almost had a coniption when I saw an add for an upcoming movie about a Playboy bunnie who gets kicked out of the Playboy Mansion because they say she's "too old." She was *gasp* 27. So she goes to a sorority on a college campus and starts teaching the girls how to be sexy.

 

I'm only 20 and I wanted to scream when I saw that preview.

 
Hi Kimmi :)

Well, who can know what is really going on. She sounded honest....but she could be deluding herself with the 9 months abstinence. It sounds right, because their relationship is worse probably as a result of him resenting her...or just not feeling the high's that he used to get.

Back to porn and sex within a relationship. Sexual intimacy shouldnever be an issue in a relationship. If anything......is goindwrong......it is usually not due to a sexual reason but an emotional,psychological one and sex is the first thing that can be used becauseit is the most obvious, and available.

There is a lot to think about with this one. The marriages where the husband has lost complete interest in having sex with their wife and they are using porn. That goes against what you are saying, that it isnt related to porn. I agree with you though.....its really incredible how people can stay when at the very least, their partner doesn't even have a sexual interest in them, and continues to do something that their partner is not happy with.

Hi. I know that there have been times when I get a familiar feeling with someone sexually and it has good points, not so good points. Isn't that always the case? :) 

 

Anyway, when I get bored sexually, it still doesn't make me want to go and find someone else, sexually. I kind of figure this is what happens when you have sex, with the same person, probably in the same location, similar positions, (it is after all the same person) and that can drive me to wonder what sex would be like with the next,  newest person that happens to catch my eye and my groin.

 

But the only time I will cheat, sexually, is if the rest of the relationship is not good as well. If things are good in other areas, sex loses its power and my focus would be on other aspects of that relationship. I would have to then ask what is it about these individuals that would rather blame a person for their inabilty to be a good lover, a sexy companion, etc. and treat a person with blatent disrespect, obvious abuse, and think this is a normal way to live - a healthy approach towards life?

 

No one is perfect, thank god, and we are all learning. But if a person is using something that is creating a disturbance in their life, or in the life of others, would'n't it be a good approach to see what it is that is creating this imbalance and see if it is something that can be tweaked a little? Changed somewhat? Make the scale balanced? But no. Either way, both are attached to either being totally against porn, or totally for it. What is up with that? If you lean in either direction too strongly, you will not be balanced. If we are not balanced in one area, you can bet, we will not be balanced in all of them.

 

Create a great day!