Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

Hi. I know that there have been times when I get a familiar feeling with someone sexually and it has good points, not so good points. Isn't that always the case? :) 

Anyway, when I get bored sexually, it still doesn't make me want to go and find someone else, sexually. I kind of figure this is what happens when you have sex, with the same person, probably in the same location, similar positions, (it is after all the same person) and that can drive me to wonder what sex would be like with the next,  newest person that happens to catch my eye and my groin.

But the only time I will cheat, sexually, is if the rest of the relationship is not good as well. If things are good in other areas, sex loses its power and my focus would be on other aspects of that relationship. I would have to then ask what is it about these individuals that would rather blame a person for their inabilty to be a good lover, a sexy companion, etc. and treat a person with blatent disrespect, obvious abuse, and think this is a normal way to live - a healthy approach towards life?

No one is perfect, thank god, and we are all learning. But if a person is using something that is creating a disturbance in their life, or in the life of others, would'n't it be a good approach to see what it is that is creating this imbalance and see if it is something that can be tweaked a little? Changed somewhat? Make the scale balanced? But no. Either way, both are attached to either being totally against porn, or totally for it. What is up with that? If you lean in either direction too strongly, you will not be balanced. If we are not balanced in one area, you can bet, we will not be balanced in all of them.

Create a great day!

Hey Kimi. Just want to address something you said in your post. I usually agree with you on most of the things you say, but I don't agree with you about this:

"But the only time I will cheat, sexually, is if the rest of the relationship is not good as well."

If the rest of your relationship 'isn't good', then why wouldn't you try to help improve it? And if that didn't work, then why wouldn't you just break up with that person so you can have sex with someone else without having to cheat on your boyfriend? I realize everyone is different, but I just have a really strong stance on infidelity, NO MATTER how messed up the relationship is.

In my opinion, if a person is unhappy in their relationship and they've tried to resolve it to no avail, then they should EXIT OUT of that relationship BEFORE having sex with someone else. I guess it just boils down to integrity and faithfulness.

Sexual boredom in a relationship can usually be remedied via a little effort and experimentation by doing it in different places, in different rooms of the house, trying different positions and techniques, role-playing, etc. If after all that, someone is still sexually bored with their partner, then they probably didn't really love or care for them that much to begin with. A relationship is more than having exciting sex every single day. It's also (mostly) about LOVE, CARING and COMPANIONSHIP. What's your view on this?

I also don't think cheating, in any form, is unacceptable in a committed relationship.Just wanted to say that first and foremost. Infidelity is wrong and shouldn't happen. Unfortunately, the line gets blurred with what is infidelity and what is considered acceptable. I think its important that two people understand what it means to each person so that they can either walk away before a relationship begins, or talk about it at the early stages. Unfortunately, again, these things don't come up until something has already stirred the pot.

If you think about it, sex is the glue that keeps people feeling the "love" feeling, right? All other relationships are just platonic as long as sex is not involved, right? I don't think so. I think you can cheat in many ways. Sex is not the only way a person cheats. Emotionally charged conversation with a co-worker, going to clubs where girls dress scantily and seductively, spending money on something other then what that money was intended for, not being honest to one another if someone gets hurts, or is offended, witholding information, overlooking the fact that we all want to have a semblance of safety and admiration with the person that we are with.....all these things, and many more, are what slowly chips away at a relationship. If there is love, then these can and do happen, but there is a desire to keep the loved one primarily, so we change our actions and behaviours as we go along.

It is a matter of compromise, working it out, and if a satisfied resolution cannot take place, then the best thing to do would be to leave. If neither one is willing to change. If sex is bad in a committed relationship, and all methods to change that have been squashed, does one end the relationship? If personal differences are what is creating the wedge is the issue, does one end that relationship? I guess either one can be a means to end a relationship. I think depending on what sex means to a person, it can have a big effect or not much on that specific relationship. If things are really good but the sex is ho hum, it can be worked around. If sex is great, the rest of the relationship is ho hum, one is more likely to seek personal stimulation, slight flirting, coming home late, avoiding romantic moments....I think a person can go longer without sex then they can without emotional connectiveness, belonging, intimacy that is NOT sexual in nature.

So in a long way around this, lol, I would sexually cheat if the rest of the relationship is not good because to me, that is the symptom that that specific relationship IS ALREADY OVER.

Sexual boredom is something we need to deal with. If we think having sex with the same person for 10 years is going to feel as good as it did in the early stages, but thats because we get comfortable and familiar; I think when that does happen, it is crucial that these two people have a very good personal relationship with one another so that sex is not the priority. Or maybe sex should be the priority????? :))))))))))))) Take care.

It all started when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband began turning me down for sex and I would catch him using pornography instead. I would take a shower and peek under the door to see him "using" pornography in the other room. When I would come out of the shower, he had turned it off, and acted as though nothing happened. At first I figured that this was a normal guy thing. Then, he begn getting up in the middle of the night and using it. We lived in a small apartment at the time, so I would hear something going on in the other room (at like 4am) and tip toe out and peak in to see him using it. At this point he had been turning me down for sex for several months and I was hurt by th fact that he would rather look at porn than even touch me.

Eventually, I found all the videos and hid them.I told him that if he loved me he wouldn't watch them anymore and would have sex with me. He agreed to that but shortly after I found out that he had found the hiding place nd was taking them out and putting them back when he was finished. I confronted him about it and he lied repeatedly. He swore on our marriage and our unborn child that he didn't. But he made one big mistake, he left a video in the DVD player one day by accident and when I turned on the tv it came on, right in front of him. He knew he was caught at that point and fessed up that he still used it. I left him for a few days after that and stayed with my mother. I was more upset that he had lied and swore on our unborn child and marriage. It wasn't about the porn anymore, it was about all the lies in our marriage.

He agreed to go to marriage counseling if I took him back, so we did. We talkd about his alcohol abuse and his pornography addiction, to the point where we thought we had cured his porn addiction. Well, it's been 3 years and I juest found out that I am still being lied to. He is still using porn all the time. We have two children now and our first daughter is a special needs child. His alcohol abuse problem is out of control, and I feel that our whole marriage is a lie. I can't handle it anymore.

I don't know what to do. I am extremely unhappy in my marriage but I feel stuck because he financially supports us so that I can stay home and take care of our disabled three year old.

I need advice. Please help me.

It all started when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband began turning me down for sex and I would catch him using pornography instead. I would take a shower and peek under the door to see him "using" pornography in the other room. When I would come out of the shower, he had turned it off, and acted as though nothing happened. At first I figured that this was a normal guy thing. Then, he begn getting up in the middle of the night and using it. We lived in a small apartment at the time, so I would hear something going on in the other room (at like 4am) and tip toe out and peak in to see him using it. At this point he had been turning me down for sex for several months and I was hurt by th fact that he would rather look at porn than even touch me.

Eventually, I found all the videos and hid them.I told him that if he loved me he wouldn't watch them anymore and would have sex with me. He agreed to that but shortly after I found out that he had found the hiding place nd was taking them out and putting them back when he was finished. I confronted him about it and he lied repeatedly. He swore on our marriage and our unborn child that he didn't. But he made one big mistake, he left a video in the DVD player one day by accident and when I turned on the tv it came on, right in front of him. He knew he was caught at that point and fessed up that he still used it. I left him for a few days after that and stayed with my mother. I was more upset that he had lied and swore on our unborn child and marriage. It wasn't about the porn anymore, it was about all the lies in our marriage.

He agreed to go to marriage counseling if I took him back, so we did. We talkd about his alcohol abuse and his pornography addiction, to the point where we thought we had cured his porn addiction. Well, it's been 3 years and I juest found out that I am still being lied to. He is still using porn all the time. We have two children now and our first daughter is a special needs child. His alcohol abuse problem is out of control, and I feel that our whole marriage is a lie. I can't handle it anymore.

I don't know what to do. I am extremely unhappy in my marriage but I feel stuck because he financially supports us so that I can stay home and take care of our disabled three year old.

I need advice. Please help me.

It all started when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband began turning me down for sex and I would catch him using pornography instead. I would take a shower and peek under the door to see him "using" pornography in the other room. When I would come out of the shower, he had turned it off, and acted as though nothing happened. At first I figured that this was a normal guy thing. Then, he begn getting up in the middle of the night and using it. We lived in a small apartment at the time, so I would hear something going on in the other room (at like 4am) and tip toe out and peak in to see him using it. At this point he had been turning me down for sex for several months and I was hurt by th fact that he would rather look at porn than even touch me.

Eventually, I found all the videos and hid them.I told him that if he loved me he wouldn't watch them anymore and would have sex with me. He agreed to that but shortly after I found out that he had found the hiding place nd was taking them out and putting them back when he was finished. I confronted him about it and he lied repeatedly. He swore on our marriage and our unborn child that he didn't. But he made one big mistake, he left a video in the DVD player one day by accident and when I turned on the tv it came on, right in front of him. He knew he was caught at that point and fessed up that he still used it. I left him for a few days after that and stayed with my mother. I was more upset that he had lied and swore on our unborn child and marriage. It wasn't about the porn anymore, it was about all the lies in our marriage.

He agreed to go to marriage counseling if I took him back, so we did. We talkd about his alcohol abuse and his pornography addiction, to the point where we thought we had cured his porn addiction. Well, it's been 3 years and I juest found out that I am still being lied to. He is still using porn all the time. We have two children now and our first daughter is a special needs child. His alcohol abuse problem is out of control, and I feel that our whole marriage is a lie. I can't handle it anymore.

I don't know what to do. I am extremely unhappy in my marriage but I feel stuck because he financially supports us so that I can stay home and take care of our disabled three year old.

I need advice. Please help me.

So, I guess what you're basically saying is, you would still cheat while IN a relationship that you feel is already DOOMED and OVER.

I guess I'll have to agree to disagree with ya on this one! I see what you're saying, but I'm not feeling it nor do I approve of it. But, to each his own!  ;)