Topic : How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship

I think what leads a person into anothers arms is unique to each person. If one cheated throughout the relationship and the other didn't then there is no rational reason for the other person not to seek attention from someone else. But if the relationship ended yet there was a mutual respect between both people at most times in the relationship, then cheating would be a slap in the face. It all depends on what bought that couple to its end.

Starting a relationship while still in one is just plain dumb. Where is the healing going to take place? HOw can it? Even in crappy relationships, there is a healing that needs to take place in order to be healthy in another. I am only talking cheating for sexual needs, not emotional ones. Emotional intimacy is more difficult to obtain and takes longer to establish. Sexual intimacy requires no time; just two willing bodies.

Looking around can be fun but it can also be the whip of reality that one needs to know that possibly what they do have, is maybe better then what they are looking at. This is where it gets ugly because you start shopping but have no money to buy anything. So to speak. :) I would say the best thing to do is if you are in a relationship with someone but want to keep your options open , its best to tell the other person so that they don't get too attached. In the meantime, they may find someone that does want them more on a serious level.  Being a player, has advantages, being a cheater, there are no advantages. A cheater is a cheater ,is a cheater. If a person will cheat in love, they will cheat in anything. Kimi

I think what leads a person into anothers arms is unique to each person. If one cheated throughout the relationship and the other didn't then there is no rational reason for the other person not to seek attention from someone else. But if the relationship ended yet there was a mutual respect between both people at most times in the relationship, then cheating would be a slap in the face. It all depends on what bought that couple to its end.

Yeah, that's true. Each person's situation is different.  I agree on this one. I was actually with someone else when I met my current boyfriend. The guy I was with at the time lived in another state, and was staying at my house while he visited, but he would go to a friend's house, be gone for sometimes 3 days at a time, he wouldn't call me, he wouldn't tell me when he was coming back, he wouldn't tell me what he was doing. He would throw himself all over other girls, sometimes even while I would be sitting there watching him, and then wonder why I was upset afterward. One time he even pulled out his wallet (which was full of pictures of girls he knew...but none of me) and showed one of my friends the girl he thought was the hottest (she was 14) and he said that if she weren't that young, he would totally hit that. I was sharing a chair with him when he did that.

I would invite him to go places with me all the time, and he would either say "No" or say yes, and then change his mind later.

When he did stuff like that, the guy who became my current boyfriend would always be there. When I needed to talk to someone and my boyfriend was off on one of his three-day disappearances, he would be there. When I wanted to go somewhere, like to a Halloween party, because it was that time of year, my boyfriend was sitting at my house because he didn't feel like coming, the other guy threw on a costume and drove me there.

I never cheated on my boyfriend. The other guy and I never did anything physical,  but I do admit that emotionally, I was checked out. My boyfriend never really seemed like he was that "checked in." I felt like I was just an accessory to him. The other guy made me feel like I was worth something. We didn't officially get together until after I had broken up with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost two years now.

Starting a relationship while still in one is just plain dumb. Where is the healing going to take place? HOw can it? Even in crappy relationships, there is a healing that needs to take place in order to be healthy in another. I am only talking cheating for sexual needs, not emotional ones. Emotional intimacy is more difficult to obtain and takes longer to establish. Sexual intimacy requires no time; just two willing bodies.

I agree with that too. People don't even have to feel intimate with someone to cheat sexually. Shoot, one to many beers and that can happen...or one to many puffs on the blunt.

Looking around can be fun but it can also be the whip of reality that one needs to know that possibly what they do have, is maybe better then what they are looking at. This is where it gets ugly because you start shopping but have no money to buy anything. So to speak. :) I would say the best thing to do is if you are in a relationship with someone but want to keep your options open , its best to tell the other person so that they don't get too attached. In the meantime, they may find someone that does want them more on a serious level.  Being a player, has advantages, being a cheater, there are no advantages. A cheater is a cheater ,is a cheater. If a person will cheat in love, they will cheat in anything. Kimi

I both agree and disagree. As for the first part about how looking too much can be a taste of reality, that's true. The phrase "Don't know what you have until it's gone" fits that perfectly. I think one of the best ways to describe that was a quote, which I unfortunately don't remember who said it, "Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

I also agree that if someone wants to be a swinger, and keep open relationships (I don't really approve of that...but if someone wants to I can't stop them) they should at least make that known to whoever they are interested in at the time so there's no disappointment. That and if the other person was looking for something long term, they have the benefit of knowing in advance that they should look to someone else for that instead of hoping for it in vain.

Though, I wouldn't say that if someone cheats in a relationship, they will cheat in anything. It's like you said earlier, everyone's situation is unique to them. I don't believe in "Once a cheater, always a cheater" because not everyone is the same. Sometimes someone will do it once, see the true error of their ways, and never do  it again. Some people do feel true remorse and are sorry for hurting their partner, and will try very hard to regain trust.

But, sadly, there are some losers out there who are just selfish and don't care. Those kinds of people are usually the ones that will do something again if they get away with it once. They'll probably keep doing it as long as they can get away with it. Sometimes they'll still do it even if they get caught (One episode of Jerry Springer is loaded with people like that...).

But I do firmly believe that not everyone is that way.  

What you describe, what appeared to be a casual and non chalent use of porn, became a monster. Basically, the monster was there long before you arrived. His porn use is probably something he has used most of his youth and adult life. If a person looks at porn when they are in their 40's, 50's etc. you can guarantee it has been a part of their diet for most of their lives.

His looking at porn has no reflection on you as a woman, but it does as his mate. The reason being, when you need him, want him or otherwise, he is not available. for you. Thats what porn is representing in your marriage. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex. These are things that people learn to depend on in times of stress and even narcissims.

My ex husband also did similar things. One day I came home from vacation and he stayed on (I had to come home for work) and the phone was turned off. So I called the company and looked at the bill at the same time, and saw hundreds of dollars spent on live phone sex. At that point we were married about 1 year and there were other things that kind of tweeked my curiousity about him and us.

Anyway, he said ."don't worry about it. its probably a mistake. just put the bill in the drawer and when i come home i'll take care of it. as a matter of fact, take all the bills and just.......don't even open them......its not your mail anyway.......well, he dug his hole pretty fast that day!

You see, they will lie and lie and lie and lie and lie. Its that simple. Now is the lying creating more pain to you then losing him? If not, then you need to be able to listen to him honestly and openly about what his needs are sexually. And if porn is in his picture of that, you better learn to love it.....not porn....but him and his porn. And you may need to tell him what your sexual needs are, expections are in life. YOu should be able to satisfy yourself in a way that is good for you too.

Good luck.

First of all...let me say that I see nothing wrong with porn. I watch porn myself....My husband however makes me nuts. I wouldn't put him at obsessed, but he likes to look at at it for a few min almost everyday. We have talked about it and i told him it just makes me feel like I am being compared to those women. It is also in my mind stressful trying to be better than what he is watching. I have low self confidence and worry almost everyday that I am sexy enough for him. I think that he is watchin porn and then when we have sex he is fantasising about those other women...it makes me crazy . He tells me that he can't turn himself on and off....basically he needs to be able to look at porn so that he can keep himself turned on??? confuses me because I feel like I am not turning him on anymore??? He gets frustrated with me becasue he is unable to make me understand that he is wired different??? I have always known that he was into watching it, but now he makes me feel like if he turns himself off to everything sexual, then he has a problem being able to perform.....i'm so confused

Hi.

I don't think there is anything wrong with porn either, that is, until it starts destroying lives. Much like cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, shopping, sports, exercise, etc. Anything if used in a healthy moderation can bring instant or long lasting results. Too much exercise can make a person sick. A shot of whisky in tea with lemon when we are sick, can make us feel better so that we can rest. Porn is useful and entertaining when we don't have anothers' companionship. Its even good when there is someone but just not where we want them, when we want them. We have to learn how to take care of our needs.

The problem is coming in because you think you need to be like these porn actors in order to be good enough to keep your man's attention. Thats not his fault. Its yours. Unless of course, he is not giving you what you need to feel loved, safe and accepted?!

You need to feel good about yourself despite what other people do and say. You admit you have low self confidence. Why do you say that? Is it because other people have told you you do? Is it because you came to the conclusion on your own because you find  yourself being treated poorly or not up to standards, by the people that you are choosing to spend your time with? Our company of people determine who we are and even though we cannot and should not avoid people, if you are with someone that is not able to feel sexual towards you unless they look at other people first, well, that just for one, lacks imagination, ambition, and you know what????? SELF ESTEEM.

You are taking his insecurities and making them yours, on top of yours. I would say go out and see how many people look at you, make sexual comments to you, hit on you, and then if you get no attention from other people, you may want to consider changing some things. :) But if you get attention, people in general like you, why are you allowing one man's choices and opinions make you feel inferior?  Don't you see that if he was really a nice person, he would'nt do things to you that, that despite his needs, he is not seeing yours? Thats not a relationship. Thats a casual affair.

Its no biggie that he is into watching porn and may have done so all his life, or maybe not......if he needs to look at porn before he can have good sex, wouldn't you say that was HIS issue? Not yours? Put the problem back where it originated. Stop taking on other peoples issues, and go out and find yourself a life. I did. Its great. Good luck.

can you send me an email that way i can talk to you that way so its just us talking about it. email is w9mga@yahoo.com

  this is one of the hardest things that i have ever done i have been married for 11 years and am now to a point where if i dont change i fear i will never change. porn has been a part of my life from the time i was 8 just saying that makes me feel like some kind of degenerate. some friends of mine and my self found a bag of disguarded playboy magazeens and thats where it all started. i was raised in the mormon church where you are basicly told that if i you look at porn and get involved in that type of lifestyle you are a sinner and will be sent to hell so when i figured out that i liked what i saw i was ashamed and hid it as my seacret. i did not have any real relationship with eather of my parents from about the age of 8 as well. my father was constantly cheeting on my mother so they ended up getting a devorce so she got a full time job to support me and my 3 brothers. at the time we were living in texas (airforce brat) and we ended up having to move to delaware where my moms family was my father chose to stay in texas and basicly left us without a father in our lives to this day i talk to him maybe once every few years. i never had any kind of discussion about sexuality with eather of my parents. my mother was gone for work by the time we were out of bead to go to school and she got home most of the time after we had already eaten dinner. she did amazing things for us that as kids did not understand. over the years porn became my escape. kindof like a drug when things were bed i escaped into that world and at that age and time where your body is going through changes its confusing and adicting. by the time i was 16 i had lived in new mexico , florda , texas, and delaware i left behind friends and a father that was suposed to love me. after moving to delawre i started to feel some what safe like i wont have to move again.( when i left texas we sold EVERYTHING!  accept what we could fit in a small truck that was our beds cloths and a verry limited amout of our persinol belongings. i left behind friends that i had for 9 years and worst of all dad was not coming with us.) i got comfertable in the school i went to i tryed making new friends and after about two years we went to church the sunday before christmas and when we arived home our rented double wide was compleetly engulfed in flames what little i had left was gone and with no enshurence we were homless. with every thing that was going on my drug of choice was porn. it alowed me to escape to be compleetly alone and in my mind away frome harm. looking back at it now its like i created a world where evry thing was good and no one rejected me left me and i was in controll i built a secret life one that only i had access to. my actual sex lif was another story.

i was always afraid of girls i did not want to be rejected so i simply did not aproch i did not try because if i didnt try i didnt get hurt. when i was 17 i finaly found someone and our relationship took off during that time i didnt need porn i was happy that world kind off dissaperd. my mother did not aprove of me having a girl frend and being sexualy active so she gave me an altimatum she go's or you go i went i put everthing i had into one black trash bag i had a roll of quarters and i was out. i lived in a house that had ply wood flors and instulation hanging from the celing it had runing watter but no heat in the winter time i would wake up and have snow on me from the broken out window i slept under but i was happy i had love. i finishe high school on my own while working so i could have a car and food i put an enormous amout of effort int my girl friend .for the first time i thought i had love i dated her for  5 years and one day i came home to a letter and it was over just like that i did not see it coming she said she wanted to see what else was out there. it was devistating to say the least i was 20 by this point. broken and alone i found my self back at home with mom. i tryed alcahol and weed but it did nothing for me but porn did i felt in controll it could not leave me or hurt me or say no.

on to the last chapter and where im at now i meat my now wife shortly after moving to delaware back befor i started dating my last girl friend i asked her out and got turned down twice we went to church and school togeter andi always had a crush on her one day in church befor i started dating my last girl frien i had a conversatin with a frend in witch i said one day i will marry her and who would of thought 6 years after that conversation and prediction i married her frome the time we started dating we clicked it was amazing and i had NEVER!! had this new feeling befor i shared every thing with her we even discussed porn and ocasionaly enjoyed it together but i never discussed my seacreat. for years i never even looked at any por i thought i was done with it that i did not need it. but than as life is things started getting stressfull like bills and work i still had a great relationship with my wife but por started creeping back in. slowly it was my escape from bills and responsabilitys. i felt like i was in controll of it and as long as no one knew it was ok. i was wrong an i let it go and it turned me int something i told my self i would never be .my fater i pushed every thing to the limites and now im holding on buy a thread. but im holding it with ever thin that i have and what wilttle hope i have i feel is not enough. i cant loos my family i love them but i dont know what im doing i dont have mony for counceling. there iso much more to this storry but in just riting this little bit i feel exausted this call gos to any one i need help if its there plese come soon