Topic : Ask The Opposite Sex

 We're all different, raised differently, think differently, PERCIEVE differently. When you use words to get through to someone and they don't "get it" you have to try something else.
Unless of course you're just not that "into" them and don't feel like taking the time to teach them how to treat you.
There are any number of reasons why some men hear the words you say but either don't register them.
What you have to understand is that unless you can find a way to communicate, and get him to care about what you are saying, he will continue to be "deaf" to you.
Many women are deaf to what men say to them also, it's not a gender thing.

 If you find yourself holding resentments for long periods of time, it means you are not addressing them as they come up. Or maybe you do confront the one who caused you to feel bad, but they ignored you or belittled the effect they had you. To them, it's a non-issue so you feel disregarded and disrespected.
I think that you should be upset and hurt as long as it takes you to say "Hey, you made me feel___ and I don't like it. Please don't do it again." The ball is in their court. If they don't take you seriously and do it again, find another way to get through to them.
Never ever nurse resentments and anger without addressing it, as you suffer alone with it.

 What I mean is if it's been talked about ,and worked out then it should be put away? Communication is the most ensuring way to make things understood in a relationship. I know this myself has been a place I had been really working on so I show understanding, and if I am not sure I ask questions. The best way to see I guess is by working on what the other is saying, and really put out effort to see what they are saying, and not think oh thats not it. It takes a lot to really work on a relationship, and if one person is working hard and not the other then there needs to be a sit down talk about it. I had an experience where I could not say anything right in her eyes, and after several talks I told her it had to end. It was not being put into a (couples) mind set so there was nothing there then.  She walked away like it was my fault, but it was both. I guess this is enough for now.        Robert

 I just came back over here, and remembered I had posted here..for a long time, no one was here..and I think this is a very good board..I appreciate your responding to my post..Because, this  has been really bothering me for a long, long time..It was a long-distance relationship, so that made it even harder...time was short...Well, I agree, when it has been worked out then move on..I like what you said, only wish other men would do that too..(think as you too) You saying your working on your communication skills..oh how I wish to hear that from more men..you saying, 'really put out the effort to work on a relationship' and "really working on what they are saying"...wow, I wish more men thought the way you do..

I too walked away, because I didn't feel he was really understanding how I felt..and it was getting to the point of such frustrations, that we started to fight all the time..we had counseling too..didn't seem to help..I know there's two sides to every story..but, all I know is how I felt inside in that relationship...He always told me, I kept going back into the past..and yes, I was guilty of that..I admit that..but, the reasons were..they NEVER were solved, in the first place..and when something happens again, (similiar to what happen before) that is when things are brought up again..whether you mean to or not..

I can see what you're talking about though..where she was making you out to be the one that was WRONG all the time..I like the fact too, that you said it was BOTH your fault..for me, I don't like to say it was my fault, his fault..both our faults..FOR ME, it was just we weren't able to solve things, when we should of..

Dee

I really liked your post here, and I completely agree!!  I started realizing that I was bringing up things over and over, and I hated it..but, things weren't EVER really solved..I mean, I would think they were..we had a great talk and understanding (I thought)...but, just to have the same exact thing happen again, to hurt me..that's what really confused me..is why??  Why, when you spend hrs. and  hrs., working something out..making sure they know, what has hurt them..and what they couldn't bare see happening again..just, to have it turn around..they do the exact thing, that you thought they wouldn't do..that just really hurts inside, you know??

That's why I also told him, he disrespected me..I did find a different way to get through to him..it was out of desperation..because, I didn't know what to do anymore..I mean we went to counseling, I'd thought that would of helped him see what he's doing..something, I FEEL is childish that I did..I admit, was by telling him..(one of the last things I told him) please keep in mind, the state of mind I was in..the desperation to feel respected and cared for..and for HIM to see MY hurts, my pains..I told him, IF HE didn't take this time to TALK THIS OUT, before I got on the plane back to my home..that I wouldn't talk to him again..that's really childish I know..but, I guess, I was just so tired..and needed him to see that I was..and can you guess what he did???  yep, NOTHING..he let me go on that plane..to this day, I can't understand that..he must of NEVER really cared at all..he made excuses all the time..but, end result he really didn't love me..

Dee

P.S.) yes, and I did..suffer ALONE with it  :(

Greetings to all of you. How have you been? It has been a long while since I posted on this board & a few others. I was so busy trying to get my life back on track (aside from paying off this bill which was $931.68 which didn't even belong to me; took me from September thru early January to get it paid in full), & I think that I've finally done it. A family member of mine has been trying to get me in a hosipital with her, & now I'm waiting for a call. If that doesn't work, then I'm going into sales.

 

Anyway, I have a question. Why is it that certain women do some terrible things? Why must men keep saying that women are evil, golddiggers, etc. I really doubt women are evil, it's just that they keep doing some wrong things over & over again. What do you make of this? Anyone?

 Hope your doing well!  Good luck with the job thing too! :)  Anyway, I think that there's 'bad' in both women and men..ppl are ppl..there's good ones in life, and there's bad ones..doesn't mean one gender is worse than another..I just feel it depends on that person's experiences in life..the key is not to let it posion you into thinking that they're all the same..I know for me, I've had not so good experiences with 'men', but I don't believe they are ALL the same..it doesn't matter how many 'bad' ones I see and experience, I still am a positive person.  I KNOW there's GOOD ones..  :)  I just trying to concentrate more on myself, to do those t hings in life that  make me happy and accomplished..

I think when one concentrates more on the opposite sex, that they just HAVE to have their partner NOW..that's when they get  more vulnerable, and choose the wrong one for them..Instead try to not think that, that's the only thing that makes you happy..I truly believe, when you're being  yourself, doing those things in life that leaves you fulfilled and accomplished, that's when you'll find someone...when you're not even looking.....

Dee

 Thank You for your comments..and I agree very much, on what you say...That 'find another way of getting through to them', isn't a easy task to do..I mean, I'm no expert in communcation skills..but, who is..I just try my best..but, without even realizing, I just get to the point of such frustration..and when one can't afford counseling..(and plus, a long distance relationship) makes it more difficult..I just didn't know any other way, of knowing what/how to do it..because, as I mentioned, whenever I felt it  has been talked out, and talked out..and I THINK we've gotten to understand and resolve those issues..and I when then go back home..(400 mi. away)...but, she to find when I do go back home, things happen again..(those things that we'd worked so hard on in our talks and thinking it was all resolved so both of us knows what BOTH needs are)...

That's what I don't understand..it like all those talks, just down the drain??  I mean for me, IF the man is just not agreeing or feeling comfortable or that it's RIGHT for him...what hurt me, and what I need..maybe, he doesn't feel he should have to do it a certain way..but, then WHY didn't even speak up to begin with?  and not just make me believe, that ok it's understood and worked out.??  that's what gets me..THEN THEY say WE WOMEN are just trying to change them?  don't accept them for them?  that is what I heard ALL THE TIME?  and then I LOOK BAD..this is what I don't understand..about men..

I've heard this all the time..that WE WOMEN just want to change them..mold them into what WE WANT..hey, it works both ways..but, still..I honestly feel it's NOT THAT..(not for me at least I feel) it's just that how a man can do something let's say..and it REALLY REALLY hurts us..and we're even shocked that they could even THINK it was OK to do that..so, of course, we're going to need to discuss it...and maybe, just to avoid the fighting or whatever..they, say they understand..or that they're sorry..and it won't happen again..that's WHAT THEY SAY..but, then behind our backs..they are complaining to others, how we are trying to change them?  What's going on with that?? 

I truly NEVER feel I EVER tried to change a man..sure, I"m a woman, and I'd admit without even realizing it..I might to a certain extent, because truthfully there's things about US women we do..but, there's things MEN do too...we're NOT the only ones!!  So, I really wish I understood what men really means when they say 'we're trying to change them'..Could anyone give me more on their thoughts about this??  Like, IF I knew and understood better..than, I would TRY hard and be careful NOT to do that..because, it is wrong..I feel I've always like the person for whom they are...just like I hope they do the same for me..sure, there's going to be those 'little' things women (or man) feel they want to have their guy change..(like bad habits)  I mean, we have to have examples..so, we CAN see and understand..then, we will work on not doing that..IF it's something that makes them really upset..

Like, IF a man HATES crowded places..I would  understand, and I'd try to avoid that IF/WHEN possible..or like trying to change them about their religious beliefs..that is very personal, and one should NEVER do that..I know I wouldn't..that's a part of them..now, I feel I would like to do things that helps them..quit smoking, drinking a lot, eating poorly..those are just some of things, that aren't changing them..but, caring about them..So, men have to realize there are things that we ARE going to do..but, it's ONLY out of love and care..most women, are 'caregivers at heart' so that means we naturally do this..so, there's a BIG difference between a woman that just wants you to do things HER way..and a woman, that just cares and loves you, and wants the best..does this make sense?

Like, IF a person hangs out with a person that isn't of good morals..(uses drugs, just down right horrible person to others, calls ppl names, etc .etc.) then, wouldn't we have to tell our mate how we feel about how they hang out with or have hung out with?  I know that sometimes it seems we want to run their lives for them..and sometimes, there's just not a perfect way of getting it across.without it SEEM to be we're trying to change them??  How would any of you, handle such a situation with your love one?  When, you feel let's say..they are being taken advantage of?  someone, is like trash!!  and you both know it, and yet they even speak to them?  for example:  knowing a person sells drugs..(pot) OR knowing someone that uses drugs  OR someone that is rude, disrespectful, calls your partner horrible names....or someone that you have hung out with and they  hit their woman?  (and he's your friend still?) or someone that is your friend, and has done sex right in front of you?  just ppl in general like this??  I mean wouldn't you want to tell the man your with, that isn't ppl you want to associate with?  but, would that be you're trying to change them????  OR a sister of my b/f, threats him or I HORRIBLY simply HORRIBLY...and it affects ME too..and I just speak my mind, and say we'll if she won't be willing to talk about it..just hangs up on you, when you ask to talk about it..and then, the problem is still there..then, I just tell my b/f that well since she disrespected US to badly..and treatly YOU so horribly..that I don't feel it's a good idea, to even speak to her for awhile..to just have a little distance..am I wrong for suggesting that?? or would that say I'm changing him???  I mean what does the other person do (me in this case)?????  do we just let them carry on with their relationship (sister/brother) and the while that sister dissrespected US BOTH, and wouldn't even talk about it..??  what happens in this case?? 

Thanks for listening..just something that's been on my  mind..I don't say I'm right or wrong..but, I would like to learn..

Dee

 Sorry, but you're going to have to be more specific with your question. You're talking in generalities and those will get you into trouble every time.
So...was the $931.68 debt run up by a woman "friend" of yours? Do you feel that she was a "golddigger"? These women that keep doing some wrong things over & over again, are they women in your life?

If the answer to these questions is "yes", then I think that you should be a bit more selective in your dates, or maybe look at the persona YOU are trying to convey. (If she thinks you have money, are you guilty of giving her that impression?)

 You've certainly got a lot to say! I'm not a man, but I think I can give you a hint on something. Men tend to tune you out after a bit if you don't get to the point. You give many "for instances" here, but I'm pretty sure you lost the attention of many men out there that would have responded. You have to be clear and concise about what's on your mind. If you're not sure what's upsetting you, don't bring it up until you are.

So, going back to your thank-you to me in the last post where you talked about your long distance relationship with the man who just let you go. Did you find yourself doing all the legwork in that relationship? You mentioned taking a plane to go see him, did he visit you much or was it mostly you taking the initiative? You have to make the man do something, if not most of the pursuing. I know that sounds old fashioned, but there's a reason for it. Men understand hierarchies, and they are more competitive than women because of it. If you do all the chasing, they lose respect for you. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. If he's got to work a little bit for you, he values you the more. So value yourself enough to make sure that the man you're interested in is going to treat you with dignity and respect.
Guys, am I right about this?