Topic : Ask The Opposite Sex

 Sorry, about that...I guess, I did have a lot on my mind that day..I've been home sick with a cold, for 1 wk. and was about to go crazy..Yes, I did all the 'legwork' in that relationship..it's just we were in a position, where he couldn't come here..and I worked for schools, so it was the only way it was going to work.. I knew going into it, it was a LDR and was going to be hard..but, that was my chose..right or wrong..

Yes, next time around, I WILL make sure that the person I CHOOSE to spend my time with, give my heart to...WILL respect me and threat me RIGHT..because, I'm seeing now how..I did all the GIVING..I'm old-fashion too, but I don't see things as chasing after one or the other..I feel it should be mutual..but, you're probably right on a lot of what you said though..

Thanks for your response...  :)

Dee

 It's OK, you obviously needed to rant and these boards are a good place to let off steam.
Now, as to your comments about feeling that things should be mutual. That's fine as long as you understand that the man you're interested in may not see it that way. Like I explained, men and women, generally speaking, approach the world with different perspectives and expectations. Testosterone doesn't make for a nurturing attitude, or one that is patient with the feelings and emotions. When a man feels down, he doesn't sit around analyzing it or talking to friends about it. There's nothing wrong with this, it's just not what a man thinks is the way to feeling better. He usually gets up and does something- works on the car or a hobby, plays or watches sports, goes out with buddies, or whatever.
When his mate or girlfriend is feeling down or moody, rants like the one you did above grate on their nerves to no end. They want to "fix" it, not go on and on about it. They are likely to tune you out and say "yes dear" and wait impatiently until you wind down. Rarely do they know how to listen sympathetically, knowing that women just sometimes need to rant. It hurts us later when we realize they registered nothing that we said.
When you want to get a point across to a man, you have to know exactly what you want to say, say it with the least amount of words, and choose the words that will best get his attention. If that doesn't work, then you have to DO something.
I know it doesn't sound fair, it's like it's up to women to learn a whole new language just to get along, but there you go.  It's because women are the nurturers and understanding ones that it's up to us. Like Dr Phil asks "How's that workin' for you?" and "Do you want to be right, or do you want to get along?"
Now, it's not without it's rewards. Because you understand and communicate with your man so well, he will appreciate and respect you. He may even desire to get in touch with his emotional side to better understand you. (I know, the guys are thinking EGADS!)
All this learning how to deal with men on their level helps tremendously if you ever have boy children by the way.
Bottom line is, men and women are NOT the same, and trying to approach the other gender thinking that they understand where you're coming from instinctively will get you exactly no-where.
I haven't read it, but I'll bet Dr Phil's LOVE SMART  would be an excellent dating manual. I've read most of his other books and they are very helpful.

 I would try a relationship that you don't have to get on an airplane to see the guy.
Men are VERY much "out-of-sight-out-of-mind" thinkers. I would hazard a guess that the guy you were in love with was probably dating other women while carrying on a long distance relationship with you. He also probably expected that you were doing the same.

 I think my problem has always been, that I try and treat ppl, the way I want to be treated...but, the thing is....I'm still waiting for that to happen...it's hard to change the way I am, but I see what you're saying..I think what has happen to me, the way I go to them instead..is, a protection mechanism..I've given that a lot of thought..I figure, IF I go to them..then perhaps, I don't feel as attached??  not sure exactly..because, I know there has to be a reason why I do that?  I suppose, I get afraid for someone actually showng me care?  I mean, real care?? wow..that's scary..so, perhaps, IF I do the giving..then, I won't rely on anyone??  Not sure..

I would like to think, that the person I give that care too..isn't using  me, and so then I just want to show that person I care for them..I don't do this just out of the blue..it's after knowing them for a while..the last person, it was after 1 1/2 yrs. of talking and having a lot of contact..and you know what?  yes, it's true I need to be careful more...but, I have learned SO MUCH, by those mistakes..and in some ways, it wasn't a mistake..because, still I know how I am inside..I know I do it out of care..so, it still makes me feel good...and happy..

A book that's good as well is Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus...I think what hurts the most through it all, is that THEY don't even see what they did...THEY don't see the hurt they caused me..where as I would think the 'normal' person would see what they did..IF they were caring enough..I mean, for the life of me, I just can't understand how ANYONE can hurt ANYONE that all they were doing..is showing care..that will confused me for the rest of my life..IF a person EVER did those things for ME..like I did for them..WOW!  But, I'm still waiting...one day I will

Dee

 No, I'm pretty sure he wasn't carrying on behind my back..as I would NEVER do that with him..or anyone, that I'm in a 'serious' relationship with..no matter how far..I couldn't do that..but, I admit..he once, emailed a woman..(and I found the email) and in it, he said she was attractive..and would like to show HIS care for HER, even IF for one time..and that when she comes out for a visit, not to tell me..that I wouldn't understand..???  (this was sent 2 days before I came out to visit him)...but, supposedly he explained that...and I guess, his explanation made a difference..because, I was with him another 6 mos..even, though I admit I don't think I ever got past it..he tried to say, that it was something he said wrongly..and  he meant to talk about THEIR past..??? that's what he said..

They were ALMOST going to get involved, but never happen..that was a long time ago..before, me..and I told him it was ok IF they were friends still, because they had common interest..her son, his daughter were married and there was all kinds of issues..so, I trusted him..that's the thing with  me, I have A LOT OF trust..what is a relationship, when there's no trust??  Anyway, I think he betrayed that trust..because, it never was the same..anyway, that's over now..

I just hope, that I get over what happen in that relationship..because, I really thought he was the 'one' we were really in love!!  and he IS a good man..and I do believe he loved me..I do..but, I think he also is a little screwed up!!  because that woman, was NOT a very GOOD PERSON or WOMAN..she's messed up too!  HIS whole family was MESSED UP...I really believe, honestly, he was TOO naive and NOT aggressive at all with ppl...he'd let them ALL run over him..he NEVER had a 'good' woman before..(married twice with losers)...so, I don't feel he even knows what to do with one..he would allow women to call him names..call me names..and that woman he emailed, he allowed her to IM him, saying nasty things..like she wants to F...his brains out..??  what the heck, and he didn't even leave...he said, that she's kinda crazy like that..says wierd things..???   Anyway, thanks for listening..  I'm NOW with and talking to NICE guys!  that would NEVER do that..they are classy guys!!

Dee

 I think the lesson you need to learn from that last guy is this: Just because it is your desire to give your heart fully to someone does not mean that they are going to recognize the gift. He certainly didn't, did he?
You started out writing about him saying you were pretty sure he wouldn't "carry on behind" your back because YOU "would NEVER do that to him."
Think about that statement long and hard.
Then, as you continued writing, you bring up more and more instances that point to the fact that he was indeed carrying on behind your back.
I hate to break this to you, but treating others as you would have them treat you does not guarantee that they are going to reciprocate. Were you brought up in a home with loving trusting parents? Sometimes it can be difficult to learn that there are predators, liars, and cheaters out there when you've been protected and nurtured all of your life. Just as it can be very difficult for those that were brought up abused and neglected to learn to love and trust.
The golden rule is a valuable and worthy rule to live by. You are not going to go wrong following that. However, some discretion and the ability to read people needs to go along with it or you will be used and abused over and over by the likes of the guy you just broke it off with.
Never ever presume that the other person is going to treat you the way you want to be treated just because you try your best to be what they want. You have to learn to protect yourself. When you give too freely and too soon, you are percieved as "easy" too much of the time.
I'm a believer that most people are good and that there is beauty and love all around us, but I am not blind to the darkness in people either. I've learned the hard way, don't spend years learning this lesson the way I did.

Hi, Linda! How's everything going for you? For the question that I was asking earlier, I was wondering why men must keep saying bad things about women? I can understand if they're heartbroken, being used, etc, but I don't think that they should go that far to say that they're evil. I don't believe that God has created them to be evil (or any person, man or woman, for that matter). Don't get me wrong, some women do very bad things (& I'm talking about all over this country), but that doesn't make them evil. As for the bill I was talking about earlier, it was happened to be run by someone who has been using my SSN to be putting that bill under my name, & I have no idea on where it's coming from! I recently have gotten the credit reports from all three credit report bureaus, & I find that there is another bill that didn't even belong to me; it's about $830 long. Now, I have written a letter about it & had it notarized, & I'm going to the police station to find out who's been doing this. I do have some women friends, & not once, have they done anything awful to me. I'm a very nice guy, & I also know what to look out for. *Smile*

 

I'm sorry if this is making you or anyone else uncomfortable.

Hope things are going well for you with your job.  Where r u working now?  Sorry, about your situation with the 'money' thing, someone somehow got ahold of your  SSN #?  Well, good luck with that..How's everything else been going?  Thinkgs are going  very well for me lately.  :)  I think that was nice of you, to post that WE women are NOT all bad...just like, YOU MEN, are not all bad..it doesn't matter if/when I get in a relationship and it doesn't work out..I still don't blame them NOR do I feel bitter..I still care for them, no matter what they've done..I just probably don't understand completely, but I try putting it in the past..and move on! 

I think it's sad too, when ppl breakup, that they have to bash the other..I've tried NEVER to do that..(if they also come here on Dr. Phil)...I try to tell my side without bashing them..but, I do say something, because it's MY experiences..in hopes that will help others, and hope myself ...But, it hurts me even worse than the actual breakup..because, we ALL are just trying to survive and move past the pains/hurts..so, it hard to do so, when someone that you ONCE cared SO much for, comes here..and says bad things about you..but, I mean REALLY bad things, and turns it all around on you..even, when IT was MOSTLY THE OTHER ppls doing in the first place..I use to wonder why they do that..but, I think I know the answers..it's because THEY feel guilty about HOW THEY HURT THE OTHER PERSON..so, it's sort of a way, to get THEM off the hook..and then they can go on with their lives, feeling it's the OTHER PERSON'S DOING..when, in reality it was THEIRS..but, they can't or won't admit it..but, I feel, in the long run..it will caught up on them..and they'll look back, and wonder WHY they are where they are in their lives AFTER the breakup..and I KNOW in the long run, they WON'T be finding anyone better, then the way I treated them..so, I guess, that's my reward for THEM hurting me.. :)

Take care,
Dee

Hi, Dee! I'm glad that things are working well for you, & I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Right now, I'm still working at the same place, & now I'm looking towards other places which will benefit me. That's right, someone got a hold of my SSN somehow, & I'm trying to find out who it is. For your situation, you just have to let it go & move on from it. It is also bad to bash other people just because their relationships don't work out with someone. We all aren't bad people; we just have to think about what we're all doing, & how we treat others.

 It was the way you worded the post. It sounded like you were asking for advice in vague language.
I'm glad to hear that the debt was not the fault of a goldigging ex girlfriend, but identy theft might be worse!
Hope you can get that resolved quickly and painlessly.
As far as men bad-mouthing women, there are many reasons why.
Each of us operates out of our own window on the world. If that window is dirty or smudged from a mother who was not "motherly" then a guy might think all women are bad. Or if a first love turns out wrong, he might fall for an attitude that all women will hurt him eventually. It's a sort of defense mechanism, if you see women as a source of heartbreak and hold them at arm's length, then you can't be hurt again. Women do this too.
Then there's the guys that had a father with this attitude, who may have mistreated his mother. He grows up thinking that's the way things are done and doesn't question the superiority of men over women.
Not all men who have these influences early in life adopt this attitude though.