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Topic : 01/04 "What I Want This Year!"

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Created on : Thursday, December 28, 2006, 05:01:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests are going about their New Year’s resolutions the wrong way! They each resolve to change something about their partner. Luca says it’s time his wife, Karen, started losing her baby weight now that two whole months have passed since she gave birth to their son. Karen says she just had her third cesarean section and Luca should cut her some slack! Then, Elena says her husband, Wade, has been holding onto his loud, stinky beast for far too long and 2007 is the year he needs to “send it to the factory.” Wade says he’s just an “old country boy” and there’s no way he’s getting rid of his favorite sidekick. Next, Britney says her sorority sister, Sharnetta, is chronically late everywhere she goes and has even started making Britney late! What is behind her punctuality problem, and will Sharnetta be able to get to the airport in time to be on the show? Plus, tune in for a chocoholic who can’t lick her habit, and a marriage proposal ultimatum. Join the discussion, tell us what you want this year!

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January 5, 2007, 8:26 pm CST

01/04 "What I Want This Year!"

Quote From: ilovemyluca

I just want to reply one more time to you ladies....  I went on the show for a reason, and that was to make my husband understand that I was not ready to lose the weight just yet, I just want to enjoy my baby while I can and get back to normal.. and I accomplished just that. He doesn't want me to lose the weight for him, he wants me to do it for myself. I just want to remind all of you about editing..... even though you saw the show and the things you took from it remember about the power of editing!!

 

Anyway, thanks for all of you trying to help me, it does make me feel good that you all think I look great!! so thanks for that:)

I don't understand if he wants you to "do it for yourself" why he would degrade you by drawing a fat stick person and saying hurtful things?  How is that doing it for you?  Please don't be blind.  He's doing it for himself.  He wants a trophy wife to go with his six pack that he's so proud of.

I don't think he's a bad guy, at all.  It's definitely not something to leave him over which I'm sure is why you were to Dr. Phil-for guidance.  He needs a serious wake up call, like pronto!

Good luck to you both.  You look great and you guys look like a wonderful couple with a happy family. 

 
January 5, 2007, 11:44 pm CST

thank you!

Quote From: malinois

    Hi Jenny2,

 

          I came across an excellent web site www.grief.net and they give you several excellent tips on how to grieve and how children should grieve. We well intentioned people tend to say the wrong things that enable a person to work through the grieving process. It sounds like thos boy is stuck. 

 

           I loved the 6 myths they talk about that hinder us from resolving our grieving and even relationship issues. It is a great web site and their book had really really helped me.

   thank you very much, and he is stuck so much so that even when we show him proof through his report cards etc. he still refuses to even acknowledge that he keeps doing the same things at the same time of year over and over the only bit of hope we have is we found a greiving kids center. new hope for kids is WONDERFUL!!!   I love the days when we get to go there unfortunatly  they shut down during the month of december thats why it's been such a bad month. when we go there no matter how bad the day everyone comes out of there more human than they went in  it's great!!!! anyhow  I just wanted to say thanks!!!!!
 
January 6, 2007, 12:34 am CST

he's stuck

Quote From: mustbecrazy

I can't believe that you would be so heartless with this boy.  It takes years to regain a normal life after the death of a parent...life will never be the same again for him.

 

The boy needs a stable environment and to know that he is loved.  Keep going to the counselor...counseling is NOT an INSTANT cure...it takes years to learn to cope...this boy needs you NOW...you are now the only mom he has, and you need to step up to the role.  You need to start showing this boy that you love him...you do, don't you??  The counselor cannot simply "fix" him...the whole family needs to be fixed with him...heal together.

 

Try getting involved in the youth program at your church...or 4H, or Scouts...something where he has a chance to be with other kids his age...a time to be away from the turmoil in your home.

 

You need to get over the fact that the mom died and left you holding the kid...13 is a difficult age as it is...so many changes with the body and mind...this boy has enough on his plate already.  Get over the resentment, and start being this boy's mom!!

 

You need to be involved in every aspect of this boy's life...keep up on whether he is on time with his homework...whether he is able to concentrate in school...whether he is getting along with his peers...what he is doing after school and in the evenings.  If he is acting out, then he is having feelings that he just doesn't know what to do with.  It is your job to help him through these difficult years and grow up to be a man. 

   we've tried getting him involved in sports, karate, boy scouts,  he refused to actively participate in any of the activities especially the team sports!! boy scouts we were asked not to return he was a bully. also he was in public school when he first got here in third grade and he was so hyperintelligent and arogant that he got himself kicked out of public school because he was so bored that when he got done with his work he would be very disruptive in class. then we looked at private schools it was a sacrifice but $10,000 ,seven trips to the principals office,and two years later he gets ejected from catholic school. now he's on academic probation in the International Baccalaureate programme because he can't see the relation that math and science have on each other or why he has to take a foreign language.  I'll be glad when we move to new york  so that we can get him into a program that fits and get him out of florida the third lowest when it comes to schools.We told his aunt and grandma when he first got down here that since my hubby and his son had spent very limited time together as a family what was in his best interest was to spend the entire year with us every weekend and holiday so that we could develop a rythym and flow in our house  and everybody started pitching a fit so my hubby caved and well here we are. and the moving to new york thing aside from the getting rid of 60-70% of my allergies and asthma triggers it will reduce the number of parents who believe they have a say in our house to just two.  and chris will finally have a chance to grieve his mom.
 
January 6, 2007, 12:35 am CST

he's stuck

Quote From: mustbecrazy

I can't believe that you would be so heartless with this boy.  It takes years to regain a normal life after the death of a parent...life will never be the same again for him.

 

The boy needs a stable environment and to know that he is loved.  Keep going to the counselor...counseling is NOT an INSTANT cure...it takes years to learn to cope...this boy needs you NOW...you are now the only mom he has, and you need to step up to the role.  You need to start showing this boy that you love him...you do, don't you??  The counselor cannot simply "fix" him...the whole family needs to be fixed with him...heal together.

 

Try getting involved in the youth program at your church...or 4H, or Scouts...something where he has a chance to be with other kids his age...a time to be away from the turmoil in your home.

 

You need to get over the fact that the mom died and left you holding the kid...13 is a difficult age as it is...so many changes with the body and mind...this boy has enough on his plate already.  Get over the resentment, and start being this boy's mom!!

 

You need to be involved in every aspect of this boy's life...keep up on whether he is on time with his homework...whether he is able to concentrate in school...whether he is getting along with his peers...what he is doing after school and in the evenings.  If he is acting out, then he is having feelings that he just doesn't know what to do with.  It is your job to help him through these difficult years and grow up to be a man. 

   we've tried getting him involved in sports, karate, boy scouts,  he refused to actively participate in any of the activities especially the team sports!! boy scouts we were asked not to return he was a bully. also he was in public school when he first got here in third grade and he was so hyperintelligent and arogant that he got himself kicked out of public school because he was so bored that when he got done with his work he would be very disruptive in class. then we looked at private schools it was a sacrifice but $10,000 ,seven trips to the principals office,and two years later he gets ejected from catholic school. now he's on academic probation in the International Baccalaureate programme because he can't see the relation that math and science have on each other or why he has to take a foreign language.  I'll be glad when we move to new york  so that we can get him into a program that fits and get him out of florida the third lowest when it comes to schools.We told his aunt and grandma when he first got down here that since my hubby and his son had spent very limited time together as a family what was in his best interest was to spend the entire year with us every weekend and holiday so that we could develop a rythym and flow in our house  and everybody started pitching a fit so my hubby caved and well here we are. and the moving to new york thing aside from the getting rid of 60-70% of my allergies and asthma triggers it will reduce the number of parents who believe they have a say in our house to just two.  and chris will finally have a chance to grieve his mom.
 
January 6, 2007, 1:08 am CST

I understand

Quote From: boobear328

and your title for your responce. Is this woman for real? How dare she treat a child like that. Maybe the mother (before she passed) had discussed it with the child father what was going on and felt that at this childs young age at the time wasnt able to completely understand death and that it WAS between the biological father and mother to make arrangements,(people can do that, does she know that). I know for a fact that if EVER put in that place I would WANT to talk with the childs father about it so I can make sure that the child is taken care of properly. And maybe she wanted him to get to know his father more then the past and at the time was thinking of his future.

 

Either way I AGREE wholeheartedly that this child dont know how to express his greif, let alone had time to greive for his mothers loss, it takes time for the loss of a loved one to greive in their own way, some may take days,weeks, months, even years to get over and understand the who's, what's, and why's of it all. (from what I have read he was 8 years of age when his mother died). He might not know even how to act in dads house, or he might get the blame for his mothers death and he might think that is why he was sent to live with his father(I havent been this situation, but if you have children of your own you sometimes begin to think on their level in some way you know)

 

IMHO, this new wife is upset that his son might want his fathers attention and has many questions about his way of greiving, getting to know his father all over again, or taking away her time with her husband, and she might be resentfull that this "new" person is invading in on her "personal space". Either way I see its selfish on her part, and she dont want his own child to be apart of her new life and may see the step son as a burden on her. She should get some major counseling herself and deal with HER issues instead of her step sons.

 

I also am sorry for the loss of your 2 year old sons dad. And hope one day he will understand of his passing and hope you will allow him to have time to greive in his own way and ask questions about his father he will understand when the time comes. I wish you and your son the best.

    when chris came into our lives his father and I were not married, that did not matter I opened my arms and heart to this little boy  with no I repeat no expectations I included him in every part of my life grocery store, craft store,i tried doing art projects ,painting ornaments, he rushed through everything to escape into video games so we severly restricted video games. we required him to earn video time he  gave up trying,he didn't like to finish anything , then he started alienating  everyone around him  and getting ejected from 2 schools in 3 years didn't help his aunt and grandma  kept reinforcing to him that he was better than every one else just because he had an extremely high IQ  I grew up in a house of extremely high IQ's so I know alot of the pitfalls. I know enough to know that chris is starting down a very bad road. for three years I've  been trying to difuse this ticking time bomb that is my stepson. we've gone through about 7 counselors through two university clinics we don't have health insurance so specialized care is out of the question I'm not a bad mom I've just hit a wall and I'm running out of options and the only thing I'm suffering from is a serious lack of a support system chris has driven all of my friends with kids away. and He has abandonment issues so I can't leave him alone without repercussions.
 
January 6, 2007, 1:27 am CST

yes, I have

Quote From: serenity83

I think you need to cut your step son some slack you have obviously never been in the situation where you lost someone so close my 2 year old son lost his dad 6 months ago and I dont think he may ever get over it. I dont see what your stepsons father ever saw in you. I think he should divorce your ass and see you for the true witch you are you dont deserve this family.
   gee, I don't know if this Qualifies but in 2001 I lost my 17 day old premature baby and in 2003 I , after being in and out of the hospital for a month, had my third child (premature) and 2 1/2  weeks later my mother passed away because I was physically unable to take care of her  she was 82 and I had taken almost constant care of her for two years. and two weeks after that on my birthday my sister drank and drugged herself to death. and she was the "intelligent" one in our family. and in 1995 I buried my father who beat the hell out of me for twelve years. and I buried my mom and dad my sister was cremated ,at her daughters request,  all of their arrangements were handled by me with the dignity and respect that I was not given.  so yes I guess you could say I am well aquainted with grief.
 
January 6, 2007, 1:17 pm CST

moving

Quote From: genny2

   we've tried getting him involved in sports, karate, boy scouts,  he refused to actively participate in any of the activities especially the team sports!! boy scouts we were asked not to return he was a bully. also he was in public school when he first got here in third grade and he was so hyperintelligent and arogant that he got himself kicked out of public school because he was so bored that when he got done with his work he would be very disruptive in class. then we looked at private schools it was a sacrifice but $10,000 ,seven trips to the principals office,and two years later he gets ejected from catholic school. now he's on academic probation in the International Baccalaureate programme because he can't see the relation that math and science have on each other or why he has to take a foreign language.  I'll be glad when we move to new york  so that we can get him into a program that fits and get him out of florida the third lowest when it comes to schools.We told his aunt and grandma when he first got down here that since my hubby and his son had spent very limited time together as a family what was in his best interest was to spend the entire year with us every weekend and holiday so that we could develop a rythym and flow in our house  and everybody started pitching a fit so my hubby caved and well here we are. and the moving to new york thing aside from the getting rid of 60-70% of my allergies and asthma triggers it will reduce the number of parents who believe they have a say in our house to just two.  and chris will finally have a chance to grieve his mom.

Moving sounds like a good thing.  Establishing a routine and parental authority, with just 2 parents...an important step.  I hope you can find a school that fits your son's needs.  Many highly intelligent kids act up in class...boredom.  All three of my boys are highly intelligent.  My youngest son's third grade teacher deals with it by having my son help others when he is finished with his own work.  She also gives him more advanced work.  This little guy has such a helping attitide, without arrogance.

 

Our other 2 boys went for years with an ADHD diagnosis, and Adderall, plus one on Paxil...made the middle child (now age 13) a very angry child.  It turns out that all three of our boys have sleep disorders, diagnosed through sleep studies with a sleep specialist.  Many anger problems and ADHD symptoms are tied to sleep disorders.  The younger two boys have Restless Leg Syndrome, making it impossible to sit still...they are now on Requip for that.  Our oldest son has Narcolepsy, like me.  He is on Provigil.  Our middle son is also on Provigil in addition to the Requip.  The combo has been really good for him, and he is much less angry, and the acting out has nearly stopped. 

 

Moving to a new city, and the adjustment to your new family situation will take time for all of you.  Have patience, and keep good tabs on your son...be sure he doesn't fall into a bad crowd.  The bully behavior could be due to insecurities and not knowing what to do with his grief.

 

I have asthma, and when we lived in Alabama, the humidity made it much worse.  I don't know what the climate is like in New York...is it less humid?

 

My middle son had trouble realizing why he should have homework when he learned the concepts in class.  Last year, we had a real problem getting him to be honest about whether he had homework.  In spite of getting A's on all of his tests, his grades weren't so good because of the missing homework.  This year, he has to call me immediately when a homework assignment is not turned in when due.  He has a couple of extra days to finish the work...the focus this year is on getting all of his assignments done, regardless of being late.  For a high number of missed assignments the punishment is for me to show up at his school wearing my leopard-print spandex exercise pants...LOL  I have been to school with him for the whole day...went for a week at the beginning of the school year and sat in the back of the class as an observer.  It really gave me a feel for what goes on in his classes and a chance to develop a good rapport with his teachers.

 

Please keep us posted on what happens in New York.  There is another board for school issues under Dr. Phil's Preteens/Teens board, then under School Issues.  There are some great discussions about school and teen issues.

 

Good Luck...Becky

 
January 6, 2007, 1:19 pm CST

chocolate lady

It has been 26 days since my last chocolate---this seems like a confessional----I have started losing weight.

andrea

 
January 6, 2007, 1:44 pm CST

Hi genny2

Quote From: genny2

   we've tried getting him involved in sports, karate, boy scouts,  he refused to actively participate in any of the activities especially the team sports!! boy scouts we were asked not to return he was a bully. also he was in public school when he first got here in third grade and he was so hyperintelligent and arogant that he got himself kicked out of public school because he was so bored that when he got done with his work he would be very disruptive in class. then we looked at private schools it was a sacrifice but $10,000 ,seven trips to the principals office,and two years later he gets ejected from catholic school. now he's on academic probation in the International Baccalaureate programme because he can't see the relation that math and science have on each other or why he has to take a foreign language.  I'll be glad when we move to new york  so that we can get him into a program that fits and get him out of florida the third lowest when it comes to schools.We told his aunt and grandma when he first got down here that since my hubby and his son had spent very limited time together as a family what was in his best interest was to spend the entire year with us every weekend and holiday so that we could develop a rythym and flow in our house  and everybody started pitching a fit so my hubby caved and well here we are. and the moving to new york thing aside from the getting rid of 60-70% of my allergies and asthma triggers it will reduce the number of parents who believe they have a say in our house to just two.  and chris will finally have a chance to grieve his mom.

It sounds like he's got another biochemical issue going on.   Is he still on the Prozac?  My brother has ADHD and it sounds like how he acted (although he never lost a parent).  He's on Ritalin LA (the long acting one) and it helps him.  What does the psychiatrist think?

 

I hate that the insurance companies don't have good coverage for behavioral health.  I'm sorry that youre having such a hard time, good luck in the future!

 
January 6, 2007, 1:53 pm CST

Nah!

Quote From: bear_ta

I want world peace. I have everything I need.
Then i'd have nothing to say.
 
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