Topic : 01/05 No More Jerks!

HI DR PHIL

I AM 44 YEARS OLD I LOOK 16 NEVER BEEN ON A DATE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND I AM A SHY PERSON DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS                                                                                     

  

 

           BARBARA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Hi , I'm a mother of two girls 12 and 4 yrs old.  12 year old mine from a previous relationship.  4 year old together with my husband of 3 yrs.  My problem(s) is (are) that my husband treats my oldest  with such negativity lately he just seems to pick at her all the time.  I feel its gotten worse since I've started sticking up for myself.  See, I used to be very easy going almost a pushover and now he says I'm always attacking him when he tries to say anything to her.  But he is just so unreasonably being detrimental to her self esteem.  She is truly a kind hearted , loving ,  awesome child that I am so proud of.  I don't know if this is a jealousy thing for him or what.  Also He never goes to my family stuff with me and the girls (well I shouldn't say never he did for xmass.  Only because he knew that I was cooking boxing day for his family and he wanted to stay in my good books.)  anyway he fly's off the handle about really silly things all the time and then turns around by the end of that day and tries to apologize and say he's just stressed about work .  Our littlest daughter won't even let him lay with her at night for her bed time story because she says "Daddy gets too mad."  But I now realize I can't  accept this behaviour and it is getting worse.  Also I found something on our video camera that he was hiding suggesting he's cross-dressing or something -  which I'm too scared to tell him. I feel as though I'm living in a lie and I don't know how to get out. 

Pack up anything really meaningful to you (not "stuff") that can't be replaced for you and your kids and get out!  It is better to live on the street than with this man.  I left an abusive relationship with nothing except my dignity.  I was 3 months pregnant and spent every dime I had on a divorce.  He hit me once and I had him put in jail.  When he called me to get him out I told him to rot in hell.  SInce he wasn't worth me going to jail over (if I murdered him) I served him divorce paapers when he got out.  I paid for everything including a one way plane ticket to California.  I never looked back.  Non woman (or man) needs to live in abusive realtionship.  It does more harm to the kids to stay than to be dirt poor without him.  Being alone is so much better than being with an abusive person.  Don't tell him you are leaving, just leave - today!  Go anywhere.

I was married for 20 years to a man just like this - almost to the tee.  I heard the pain in your voice, and i had it too.  I finally left, when I had the realization that he would not change (3 times in therapy, etc.) and that he was hurting the children (3 girls) permanently.  It was very difficult, because I realize now that I was very co-dependent.  I was so wrapped up in trying to be the perfect wife and mom (so he wouldn't get angry) that I did not realize how much he was damaging me and my children.

 

Fast forward 3 years.  I am married again to the most wonderful man in the world, who treats me like his best friend and beloved.  He is a father to my children in ways their real dad never will be.  He is a Godly man, very loving, and a good father to his own children who he raised almost independently.  I wake up each day not believing my life.  I was doing fine alone, but this is a blessing beyond any that I could ever imagine.  My ex is exactly the same as he always was - he has very little relationship with our children, because they are old enough now to not want to spend time with someone who is abusive and unkind.  He is unhappy, but remarried.  I heard his new wife is already considering divorce.  He has never had any insight into our problems, because, like your husband, his response was that the problems were mine and not his.  In retrospect, I see my own contribution to our problems.  I LET him walk all over me and the kids.  I allowed myself to be treated this way.  I suggest leaving - a separation - with conditions for his return into your life.  The conditions should be that you are treated like a treasured gift, and your kids too.  Good luck and God bless.  I hope you can save your marriage like I could not.

I have been married to this guy for 11 years. In the dating stage he enjoyed my kids from prev. marriage. He was gentle and soft spoken..He visited every night...Said he liked the family feeling he had with me, Sex was ok ( he had a bit to learn).  After we married I discovered he was a perfectionist and it drove my preteens crazy. He became verbally and physically abusive with them so I them decided to get in the middle of them and stop it...husband was shocked and I told him I didn't need him to discipline them any longer to -stay out of this area...at this time we had a newborn and she was instantly affected by his behavior. I found myself hiding in her room to shield her from the yelling...but he still cried uncontrollably until it was quiet.   We had many discussions about his behavior...he would then call the older children on the phone and yell at them...unbonneted to me...It happened to me one day ( on the phone) the day I told him I was starting a new job working as a cleaning supervisor in the evenings...At this time I had no money of my own and he was furious and said I had a credit card but would ask for the money to pay for my purchased of which I had none...My children ran away and stayed gone. I thought that would change things...My sister said "who will he abuse now"......I thought she was crazy...I had worked for five years  , about 2-3 hrs a night since daughter was about 2...she would be sleeping most of that time.  until she was about 4 ( bed time became later) one night she hid my keys and asked me to stay home...she took me into the bathroom and pleaded with me to stay home because daddy was mean. I found out that he had an explosive yelling fit at her because he was busy doing something and she needed help finding something.

He would barely apologize and I was off to work worried out of my mind...I then made sure she was at the neighbors while I was gone...things got worse when she was in first grade and she would call me home,,I would come. Husband sitting there nothing to say. I ended up getting let go from my job. My daughter suffered panic disorder and said that daddy was never sorry because he would always yell again...I had her in counseling and he was sickened that she wouldn't just stop it..One night I told him to leave and not to come back until he had been in counseling...That is when he realized that his behavior was no longer acceptable...got into counseling and started to change and like himself...His yelling was just a small portion of his abuse, he is so controlling and condescending I can hardly hold my words in. 

Through these years I have learned to be alone, a single parent and how to not need a man.

We are still married and get along better

Still I am wondering why when I am speaking he will continually speak over me every time I utter a word, or he just is not listening

His interests are sports, and  making sure everything is perfect...he checks me all the time...unplugs the vacuum if i left it plugged in to resume after I let the dog out, checks the doors to see if I locked them, checks windows, turns off lights when I am in a room. 

Here is something stupid...He will ask the dogs where there collars are and I am sure he expects me to get them like I used to. He is like that ...'Will ask where is the clicker or whatever and not look for it himself...mind you he is a very motivated person,,works out, does his own laundry keeps all his thing in perfect order.

One more thing on my mind that happened about 9 years ago...

He rang the phone and I said hello and realized he must have hit the speed dial button and he was having lunch with some colleagues..He was talking about our daughter and so I listened ...it was sweet to her him being a proud parent.. The conversation changed And I heard him say , ya it's like meeting girls...I was floored...I met him- he was too shy to say boo first..what did he know about meeting girls..

When I questioned him he lied, told me three  things, It wasn't me, It was Tom, No one ever said that, a couple days later-I'm sorry. I still don't know what he is sorry for...Was he meeting girls...I think he was...got a hang up call that year and a Christmas card from Sheri addressed to only

him.

Now ten years later There are alot of talk shows and info on cheating and when he hears something on TV he leaves the room or changes the channel.

He as learned to live life as it comes for the most part and lets things roll off like when he makes a mistake like breaks something he can let it go and laugh...but when it is me that does something stupid ...it's 20 questions and also

Oh...Help me with this  He walks back in the door cause he forgot his wallet and hits me in the tail bone accidentally with the door knob ...I am cringing in pain as he storms by -angry with me that I could be standing the way of the door and then he storms out...later I confront him a he apologizes for not asking if I was ok and admits that he does that kind of thing often to me and daughter

Leaving is not an option but living with him is hard...when he is here he is working on a project or napping..I don't seem to want to do things with him as a partner because things are not fun and do not feel right unless we are with other people, then he is mister personality.

 

I make and sell jewelry now and that keeps me happy...on occasion he is warm and sweet...usually has to do with sex though.

 

It is hard to talk to him because he is not a communicator and I get so nervous -I shake when I need to discuss something with him...He will fly off the handle instantly and a few days later will apologize.

 

I am sorry for what you went through.  I sure hope the message your childen get is

that internalized pain can cause a man to act like a Baboon.  They need to know

that the actions of their dad was evil and cruel but he was not.  They need to hear

what Dr. Phil said about true strength and power?  They need to know the truth so they do not take on any of the bad examples they had?

 

Please don't refer to cancer as a punishment from higher, it's not.  Innocent children get cancer.

The problems you had in your marrage and for your children is bad but had things behind that

your ex did not find a strength to fix rather he thought he was strong through his actions.

 Don't ya think far too many males are taught that fighting, tough actions make a man instead of the fine examples of power being within the man not afraid to walk away, change and be decent?

Most people are not evil but display evil actions?  We need to be careful what our children hear.

Sounds like your children need to hear that their father must have had a lot of pain to be so miserable and have evil actions?  I think that truth will help your kids better?

 Society makes us feel like there is something wrong with us if we are not in a relationship. I am on my own (grown daughter) and have never been happier in my life. My time is mine, my money is mine and I have good friends and family . I have really gotten to know myself over the past few years and for the first time - I actually LIKE myself! I have realized that I don't need anyone "to complete me." I think I have managed to pass on this same way of thinking to my daughter. She is comfortable in knowing that if she never meets that one special someone - she will be fine on her own.

Today's show hit home with me. You see I am the person who is angry. I am the one who has the most wonderful man in the world but I don't know how to be married to him. Let me give a short history. I was married prior to an abuser. 15 years. And in that time I was not allowed to be me. I became quiet, alone, and not wanting to go on. And when  I finally got out it was thru a hospital which I had to go into for 13 days because of an attempt to end my life. Now, I have this man who I met on line three years ago who worships me and wants nothing but the best for me and I can't relate. I am hurting him by being angry. I don't know how to be in this functional marriage. I don't know how to be okay and just live life with this man. I feel horrible that I am angry. Because in reality the anger I am feeling and placing on him is really towards me. The anger is what I feel for myself. I hear the things I say to him and I hear how much it sounds like the feelings I feel about me. The things I blame him for is all the things I hate about me but do not know how to get real about it. The fact that I let so many people do things against me. I feel like I have just let people hurt me my whole life including my molester of a father. Instead of being strong and standing up for me I have always wanted others to make me happy. To fill the void that I have not been able to fill for myself. These past few days has been very difficult for me as I found out my husband in the past week was on an on line dating site and said that he is separated and looking for another woman. This hurt me to the core. I hated this. I felt so crushed! I don't know what to do. He told me when he was confronted that he does not know why he did it. I feel that is a cop out.  I don't know what is going to happen with us,  but I am going to continue to work in my RELATIONSHIP RESCUE book of Dr. Phil's and I am going to get well and get right with me. I have to. I have to learn how to be happy again. To make myself happy and not rely on others to do that for me. I don't want to loose this man who I truly believe is a blessing from God. I just need to learn how to accept the gift. Any opinions please!

This sounds so sad.  I sure would like you to re-read your post again but this time pretend someone else wrote it?  What would you tell them to do?  Notice you said him and his wife is jerks?  He is not your husband no more but he will always be a man you had children with.

His wife nor you can change that.  What you can do is ignore the past relationship and find a new one?  If its ignore him, do that?  Your children are now adults and you have grandchildren who paying a proce of not having you because of you and his past troubles?  How unfair of all of you to do that to them?

Does your daughter have a point about you not being happy?  She is not handling it well getting the message across but  is she right?

What are you giving up that is the worst? The house?, horse? dog? money? children?, grandchildren?  I dare say your happiness!  You'd be happy if you could have a healthy relationship with your children and Grandchildren.  No house, apartment or living space would change that?  I'd love to see you come back in here, we can help you.

What you give up that hurts you the worst is part of yourself.  He still has power.  You let him still have that power even more gained through him having another wife?  Come on?

Let yourself heal now, take ahold of whatever power you can find inside of yourself, try to stop letting what happened then control what you could have now?

One hour of happiness with them grandchildren will pay off.

One day of no talk of him and sharing just routine events with your daughters will give you so much pleasure and when you lay down to go to sleep that nigh, won't it be nice if he aint there no more?  I think he is still hurting you.  Maybe it is time you let him go and take your heart back?

My husband and I were watching the show about that jerk Reynir and we were BOTH shaking our heads at the unmitigated gall of this guy.  Tammy needs to realize that putting this poor excuse of a husband before her kids is abuse in itself, and if she cares about her family she'll leave Reynir FAAARRRR behind.  He doesn't acknowledge his problems, and he certainly sees nothing that needs to be changed.  Don't bother with therapy and don't bother with trying to fix him.  He's broken and he can't be fixed because he's afraid of the glue that would fix him. 

 

LEAVE HIM!  It's not worth another twenty years of walking on eggshells around this low life.  Get out and enjoy the life you've got!  He made nothing but excuses the whole show; you'll get nothing but excuses for the rest of your life if you stay.  Go on and be free, sweetheart!  Lincoln freed the slaves ages ago.  You don't need this!  You're a beautiful woman with a lot of love to give.  Move on!!!  Believe me, I speak from experience.  I left my jerk four years ago and I found Mr. Right.  It can happen, especially for a jewel like you!