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Topic : 01/05 No More Jerks!

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Created on : Thursday, December 28, 2006, 05:03:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
One of the hardest resolutions to make is changing unhealthy relationship patterns. Dr. Phil’s guests draw a line in the sand and resolve to get it right, or get out! Tammy says her husband, Reynir, needs to learn how to be a nice guy. She says she’s been living in hell, and she’s tired of his obnoxious, controlling and jealous behavior. Tammy’s sister, Lori, joins the show despite Reynir’s objections, to voice her concern for her sister. What is behind Reynir’s anger, and is he jealous of Tammy’s relationship with Lori? Plus, Tammy reveals a huge resentment that’s been eating away at her for 20 years, and why she's been afraid to tell her husband. Will Reynir agree to get help, or will Tammy stand up and walk out? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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January 5, 2007, 7:48 am CST

ROOM MATE HUSBANDS

  WHEN THIS SHOW CAME ON TODAY AND I HEARD TAMMY SAY THIS MARRIAGE IS LIKE ROOMMATES, I HAVE SAID THIS VERY THING TO MY HUSBAND. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FOUR YEARS THIS MAY 3. I FEEL LIKE WE ARE MARRIED ROOM MATES, AND HE HAS SO MUCH OF MY DAD IN HIM. ANGER, RAGE.

  TAMMY YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED LONGER THAN WE HAVE AND YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE, HE HAS TO WANT TO AND MAKE THE CHANGES. YES I UNDERSTAND ALOT OF WHAT YOU ARE SAYING AND FEELING! I HATE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS, AND I AM GLAD YOU CAME ON THE SHOW TO SHARE FOR ME, AND HEARING THE STORY AND NOW I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE.

 

         THANKS

 
January 5, 2007, 8:03 am CST

Careful what your children see from you.

I have been there, done that and stand without him still.

I was happy to leave him the house and get one without all the miserable memories.

A home for a change.  A place where we wasn't waiting for the next emotional

bomb to go off.  A real home.  First one in my whole life.  That says what it means, I made my life in houses of events similar to what I lived in.  So glad I changed that for my kids.

Now what kind of houses do you want your children to grow up to have?

What kind of home do you want them to give your Grandchildren?

So many angry boys grow up to be angry adult men.

So many angry young girls grow up to marry angry troubled men.

Who breaks that cycle?  We do, when we get out, make a true home with emotional freedom of expressing how we feel without bombs going off.

We the parent who has the children most often change what happens to them because of their parents faults and mistakes.  We must do it fairly or we will fail our kids.

Never hate or dislike that ex more than you love your children!

The worst jerk or just an ass: the kids hear what you say, see how you handle it and

the impression of how you describe him/her, treat him/her will hurt your children if you are not fair about it.  Always ensure it is an open for discussion and on fair grounds.

What you do after you leave or staying with changes make a fine or worst example to your kids.

What if he is a jerk?  Explain to your kids how his actions is wrong but not that he as aperson is all bad.  What if he is an abuser? Explain to your kids about the actions and that they must stem from problems not resolved inside him to be better handling himself.

Do what you seen Dr. Phil do regarding the pain inside people making them do them things.

then your children see that changing, seeking help, not taking your emotions out on others is the real strength and power!

Even if you are a saint, made no mistakes, you still must see what the children suffer with so

they do not carry it on to their adult lives please?

Children have two parents and love them both.  Parents have a spouse, that whatever happens to that relationship effects them mostly because someone forgets a part of the children come from the missing parent.  Please do not abuse your children by not expalining the truth.

An agenda of pain used to abuse through critisizing and saying hurtful things about the other person rather than explain the weaknesses and faults causing it makes a world of difference.

Children learn what they live!  Please know that  to not have your sons grow up to be like the abusive father means you must be honest not hurtful.  Daughters are more apt to pick better men if you are honest about what was wrong with the person to cause the problems and actions rather than blame the whole person.

love your children more than you dislike the other parent.

I know how you feel, it is as easy for us the abused wife to speak out about him as it is for him to use his emotions to abuse.  EASY!  It is hard to choke off the words of anger many times but it is the best thing you can do to help your children heal, understand the difference and have a better life that won't repeat the treatment to your Grandchildren?

All the same considerations Dr. phil gave that man is what your children need to hear from you.

Same with both you and your spoue is 100% VS 100%.

Understand about that so you can honestly teach your children the differences.

 

 

 
January 5, 2007, 8:22 am CST

Get Rid of Him

Quote From: jeweld4evr

I have been married to this guy for 11 years. In the dating stage he enjoyed my kids from prev. marriage. He was gentle and soft spoken..He visited every night...Said he liked the family feeling he had with me, Sex was ok ( he had a bit to learn).  After we married I discovered he was a perfectionist and it drove my preteens crazy. He became verbally and physically abusive with them so I them decided to get in the middle of them and stop it...husband was shocked and I told him I didn't need him to discipline them any longer to -stay out of this area...at this time we had a newborn and she was instantly affected by his behavior. I found myself hiding in her room to shield her from the yelling...but he still cried uncontrollably until it was quiet.   We had many discussions about his behavior...he would then call the older children on the phone and yell at them...unbonneted to me...It happened to me one day ( on the phone) the day I told him I was starting a new job working as a cleaning supervisor in the evenings...At this time I had no money of my own and he was furious and said I had a credit card but would ask for the money to pay for my purchased of which I had none...My children ran away and stayed gone. I thought that would change things...My sister said "who will he abuse now"......I thought she was crazy...I had worked for five years  , about 2-3 hrs a night since daughter was about 2...she would be sleeping most of that time.  until she was about 4 ( bed time became later) one night she hid my keys and asked me to stay home...she took me into the bathroom and pleaded with me to stay home because daddy was mean. I found out that he had an explosive yelling fit at her because he was busy doing something and she needed help finding something.

He would barely apologize and I was off to work worried out of my mind...I then made sure she was at the neighbors while I was gone...things got worse when she was in first grade and she would call me home,,I would come. Husband sitting there nothing to say. I ended up getting let go from my job. My daughter suffered panic disorder and said that daddy was never sorry because he would always yell again...I had her in counseling and he was sickened that she wouldn't just stop it..One night I told him to leave and not to come back until he had been in counseling...That is when he realized that his behavior was no longer acceptable...got into counseling and started to change and like himself...His yelling was just a small portion of his abuse, he is so controlling and condescending I can hardly hold my words in. 

Through these years I have learned to be alone, a single parent and how to not need a man.

We are still married and get along better

Still I am wondering why when I am speaking he will continually speak over me every time I utter a word, or he just is not listening

His interests are sports, and  making sure everything is perfect...he checks me all the time...unplugs the vacuum if i left it plugged in to resume after I let the dog out, checks the doors to see if I locked them, checks windows, turns off lights when I am in a room. 

Here is something stupid...He will ask the dogs where there collars are and I am sure he expects me to get them like I used to. He is like that ...'Will ask where is the clicker or whatever and not look for it himself...mind you he is a very motivated person,,works out, does his own laundry keeps all his thing in perfect order.

One more thing on my mind that happened about 9 years ago...

He rang the phone and I said hello and realized he must have hit the speed dial button and he was having lunch with some colleagues..He was talking about our daughter and so I listened ...it was sweet to her him being a proud parent.. The conversation changed And I heard him say , ya it's like meeting girls...I was floored...I met him- he was too shy to say boo first..what did he know about meeting girls..

When I questioned him he lied, told me three  things, It wasn't me, It was Tom, No one ever said that, a couple days later-I'm sorry. I still don't know what he is sorry for...Was he meeting girls...I think he was...got a hang up call that year and a Christmas card from Sheri addressed to only

him.

Now ten years later There are alot of talk shows and info on cheating and when he hears something on TV he leaves the room or changes the channel.

He as learned to live life as it comes for the most part and lets things roll off like when he makes a mistake like breaks something he can let it go and laugh...but when it is me that does something stupid ...it's 20 questions and also

Oh...Help me with this  He walks back in the door cause he forgot his wallet and hits me in the tail bone accidentally with the door knob ...I am cringing in pain as he storms by -angry with me that I could be standing the way of the door and then he storms out...later I confront him a he apologizes for not asking if I was ok and admits that he does that kind of thing often to me and daughter

Leaving is not an option but living with him is hard...when he is here he is working on a project or napping..I don't seem to want to do things with him as a partner because things are not fun and do not feel right unless we are with other people, then he is mister personality.

 

I make and sell jewelry now and that keeps me happy...on occasion he is warm and sweet...usually has to do with sex though.

 

It is hard to talk to him because he is not a communicator and I get so nervous -I shake when I need to discuss something with him...He will fly off the handle instantly and a few days later will apologize.

 

 You need to get out of this relationship somehow. It is unhealthy for both you and your daughter to stay with a man that is so abusive. and condescending. I noticed that you never mentioned your other kids again after  you said they ran away. Do you still  have contact with them? There is no way on gods' green earth that I would let a man come between me and my children. Get rid of this guy as Dr. Phil would say "before the sun sets today".!!!
 
January 5, 2007, 8:27 am CST

I see alot of pain and blame on others

Quote From: shetypes

This sounds so sad.  I sure would like you to re-read your post again but this time pretend someone else wrote it?  What would you tell them to do?  Notice you said him and his wife is jerks?  He is not your husband no more but he will always be a man you had children with.

His wife nor you can change that.  What you can do is ignore the past relationship and find a new one?  If its ignore him, do that?  Your children are now adults and you have grandchildren who paying a proce of not having you because of you and his past troubles?  How unfair of all of you to do that to them?

Does your daughter have a point about you not being happy?  She is not handling it well getting the message across but  is she right?

What are you giving up that is the worst? The house?, horse? dog? money? children?, grandchildren?  I dare say your happiness!  You'd be happy if you could have a healthy relationship with your children and Grandchildren.  No house, apartment or living space would change that?  I'd love to see you come back in here, we can help you.

What you give up that hurts you the worst is part of yourself.  He still has power.  You let him still have that power even more gained through him having another wife?  Come on?

Let yourself heal now, take ahold of whatever power you can find inside of yourself, try to stop letting what happened then control what you could have now?

One hour of happiness with them grandchildren will pay off.

One day of no talk of him and sharing just routine events with your daughters will give you so much pleasure and when you lay down to go to sleep that nigh, won't it be nice if he aint there no more?  I think he is still hurting you.  Maybe it is time you let him go and take your heart back?

This is so sad to me. I see so much anger and blame in this peace. I see so much emotional pain and that pain is keeping you from the very things you are missing. It is your children. Your grandbabies. That is what really matters in life. The material things you are complaining about are just that. They can't go with you when you die. I once was that way. Material things were so important. I was so bitter that my ex's got everything and I had nothing to show for my hard work. And yet when it came down to it, I am partly to blame. I allowed them to do that. I did not stand up for what I wanted .... I played the victim. Please don't let another day go by without getting some guidance with this. My husband and I in the last year lost everything we had, our money, a home, a place to call our own to a con artist and to make it worse we lost all of this in another country. We had sold everything here in the states. So we were now homeless in two countries. And so we now had no way of getting home. Thank god that our family helped us to get back to the U.S. Thank god we had that much. We have had it very rough this past year  we have been as low as to live in tents for awhile but we now have a place that we love and it is okay that we don't have the material things we use too. Because in the end we had our family, children, grandchildren who loved us with or without all of those things. Life is short. Don't let another day go by without your children and grandchildren. Because tomorrow they may not be here and then you will have nothing.
 
January 5, 2007, 8:27 am CST

Far Too One Sided

This view may be very unpopular, but I have to point out that there are many female "jerks" out there as well.  They do a good job of mingling with the normal women and finding support because they don't show other women their true colors.  Let's face it.  There are simply too many jerks out there, men and women.
 
January 5, 2007, 8:31 am CST

Not over my "jerk"

This is a little awkward for me to post my story online, but I feel as though I need to do something that may help me. I am 3 days out of a 3 year relationship. I began dating this guy my last year in college and we have managed to stay together through distance. He joined the military and moved a few hours away from home. For the past year I have been applying to jobs every day in the area he moved and finally 2 months ago I was hired for a well known non profit agency where he lives and moved here. Needless to say, I moved down here and we broke up. I am stuck in this town 3 hours away from family and friends and don't know what to do. I have contemplated quitting my job and going back home. I am very heartbroken and feel like I can't even get up in the morning. I am trying to tell myself he is a "jerk" and it was not meant to be. I keep hearing from family and friends it is better that it happened now and not down the road when we are married. Everywhere I look I see memories of "us" and think about the future we used to talk about. I am scared things will not get better and I will never get over him. I thought I was stronger than this and could handle a break up. I keep thinking I am never going to find someone else and will never get married and have a family. I need help to get over my "jerk!"

 
January 5, 2007, 8:49 am CST

One more thing Please

Quote From: shetypes

This sounds so sad.  I sure would like you to re-read your post again but this time pretend someone else wrote it?  What would you tell them to do?  Notice you said him and his wife is jerks?  He is not your husband no more but he will always be a man you had children with.

His wife nor you can change that.  What you can do is ignore the past relationship and find a new one?  If its ignore him, do that?  Your children are now adults and you have grandchildren who paying a proce of not having you because of you and his past troubles?  How unfair of all of you to do that to them?

Does your daughter have a point about you not being happy?  She is not handling it well getting the message across but  is she right?

What are you giving up that is the worst? The house?, horse? dog? money? children?, grandchildren?  I dare say your happiness!  You'd be happy if you could have a healthy relationship with your children and Grandchildren.  No house, apartment or living space would change that?  I'd love to see you come back in here, we can help you.

What you give up that hurts you the worst is part of yourself.  He still has power.  You let him still have that power even more gained through him having another wife?  Come on?

Let yourself heal now, take ahold of whatever power you can find inside of yourself, try to stop letting what happened then control what you could have now?

One hour of happiness with them grandchildren will pay off.

One day of no talk of him and sharing just routine events with your daughters will give you so much pleasure and when you lay down to go to sleep that nigh, won't it be nice if he aint there no more?  I think he is still hurting you.  Maybe it is time you let him go and take your heart back?

I am sorry you lost your son. I am sorry you had cancer. Both are very difficult to be in. I lost my oldest child 12 years ago and their is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I wish I could love her again. Be there for her in rough times. Be her mom again.

 

In 2001 I had a type of cervical cancer which ended up being treated with a topical chemo treatment and it was very painful and I am so thankful that it is gone and I recovered from that. And I know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if it will come back. I pray it does not.

 

And then there is the father things in your message. I had a father who dissappointed me as a child also. He molested me and then never said he was sorry or even acknowledged it. He was not there for us and then he dies and we have nothing but bad memories of this person who was supposed to be our father. Someone who would be there for us and not let harm come to us. But that was not the case. And it never will be that way.

 

I guess what I am saying here is that I can relate to your pain. I have had similar things happen to me. The losses are many and I had to be reminded by my living children that they are still here and want to love me if I would just let them. If I would stop blaming others and be a person who is in their lives now. To just let them in. That was very hard to hear it from my children. It was very hard to know that in all my pain that I had,  that I was giving it to my remaining children because I could not be an active person in their lives. Because I was letting all the bad things that had happened override all of the good that is here now. It is not their faults. Please don't make my mistakes. Please change things for the better. Please be a part of your remaining childrens lives. They did not ask for this. 

 
January 5, 2007, 9:01 am CST

01/05 No More Jerks!

Quote From: candita1956

Today's show hit home with me. You see I am the person who is angry. I am the one who has the most wonderful man in the world but I don't know how to be married to him. Let me give a short history. I was married prior to an abuser. 15 years. And in that time I was not allowed to be me. I became quiet, alone, and not wanting to go on. And when  I finally got out it was thru a hospital which I had to go into for 13 days because of an attempt to end my life. Now, I have this man who I met on line three years ago who worships me and wants nothing but the best for me and I can't relate. I am hurting him by being angry. I don't know how to be in this functional marriage. I don't know how to be okay and just live life with this man. I feel horrible that I am angry. Because in reality the anger I am feeling and placing on him is really towards me. The anger is what I feel for myself. I hear the things I say to him and I hear how much it sounds like the feelings I feel about me. The things I blame him for is all the things I hate about me but do not know how to get real about it. The fact that I let so many people do things against me. I feel like I have just let people hurt me my whole life including my molester of a father. Instead of being strong and standing up for me I have always wanted others to make me happy. To fill the void that I have not been able to fill for myself. These past few days has been very difficult for me as I found out my husband in the past week was on an on line dating site and said that he is separated and looking for another woman. This hurt me to the core. I hated this. I felt so crushed! I don't know what to do. He told me when he was confronted that he does not know why he did it. I feel that is a cop out.  I don't know what is going to happen with us,  but I am going to continue to work in my RELATIONSHIP RESCUE book of Dr. Phil's and I am going to get well and get right with me. I have to. I have to learn how to be happy again. To make myself happy and not rely on others to do that for me. I don't want to loose this man who I truly believe is a blessing from God. I just need to learn how to accept the gift. Any opinions please!

I found that 'hurt' is the hardest thing us women get to let go of?  We get so angry over it?

mad at ourselves for having it still?  Mad we aren't able to let go?  Mad we know the answer but just don't apply it?        You didn't say if you told him these things?   I think it might make a big difference.  He has no excuse for being online for any other female attention!   I have to add though that he might need  a honest talk about your anger first, that might lesson his need to seek other attention, not that he needs an excuse, you just might have made one available to use?  That he even went to an online dating site saying he was gonna be single is a sign for you to get help for more than yourself?  He obviously does have faults and a problem?

So many people have turned to online to get decent attention from people they haven't found in real life to only get some losing liars to talk to, that sucks but is reality, your husband just included himelf in the loser liars club dear?  That is a sign for you to understand he is not a saint, you have fears that he just showed you is justified to a point so lighten up on yourself a bit.

The anger issues though? Truely get help, it can criple your emotional welbeing for happiness!

 
January 5, 2007, 9:25 am CST

Patience, dear.

Quote From: kathleen218

This is a little awkward for me to post my story online, but I feel as though I need to do something that may help me. I am 3 days out of a 3 year relationship. I began dating this guy my last year in college and we have managed to stay together through distance. He joined the military and moved a few hours away from home. For the past year I have been applying to jobs every day in the area he moved and finally 2 months ago I was hired for a well known non profit agency where he lives and moved here. Needless to say, I moved down here and we broke up. I am stuck in this town 3 hours away from family and friends and don't know what to do. I have contemplated quitting my job and going back home. I am very heartbroken and feel like I can't even get up in the morning. I am trying to tell myself he is a "jerk" and it was not meant to be. I keep hearing from family and friends it is better that it happened now and not down the road when we are married. Everywhere I look I see memories of "us" and think about the future we used to talk about. I am scared things will not get better and I will never get over him. I thought I was stronger than this and could handle a break up. I keep thinking I am never going to find someone else and will never get married and have a family. I need help to get over my "jerk!"

3 days, you say? The beginning is the worst. It will get better. You may very well have concern & care for him & that's okay. That doesn't mean you can't love someone else & move on if you really want to. Time will help to make it better if you let it.

 

The advice that it's better now than later is absolutely correct. You could have kids & be linked to this person from now on. Be thankful you're not and rest & learn to love yourself again without him.

 

 It may be best to move back home if that really is your home. Why stay if there's nothing there for you. Can your new job help you relocate? That's always an option.

 

 
January 5, 2007, 9:41 am CST

still with this guy

Quote From: seacart

 You need to get out of this relationship somehow. It is unhealthy for both you and your daughter to stay with a man that is so abusive. and condescending. I noticed that you never mentioned your other kids again after  you said they ran away. Do you still  have contact with them? There is no way on gods' green earth that I would let a man come between me and my children. Get rid of this guy as Dr. Phil would say "before the sun sets today".!!!

The saga continues

 

Husband did get together with othe kids and apologize , one of my sons comes around on holidays and we chat alot on the phone..the oldest is in a bad place right now and he is not approchable mostly because of his wife...but he loves me just the same.

he hated my husband but also knows he created alot of distrust and blames himself for some of it but beleive me we had the- you will not get between me and my kids more than once.

I think he was trying to make me believe that I should never have contact with them until the day I told him that my kids are my kids and I will always love them no matter what you say about them.

Husband stopped bad mouthing them from that day forward

He still bites his tonge when I discuss the oldest...

Husband is really not  tolerable of people that don't do things the way he percieves as the right way.

I have been a stay at home mom for 5 yrs I think now and things have been quiet mostly because I handle things with the daughter raising with sympathy and empathy and sometimes a firm voice which my daughter respects and loves me soo much me  being here...I know at first it was because she needed me to run interference with the dad but now she has gained a voice that dad respects and will listen to...sometimes he is too giving to her because he doesn't want conflict and he also doesn't want to dirve her or me away at this point.

BUT those suttle ways he has of being controling can make your brain crazy still. (Like , what you do today? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I throw that question right back at him

 

Husband grew up with an alcholic father and a perfectionist mother

 

Here IS something else that I have pondered, Husband has mentioned me not going to college,  But I am a stay at home mom for now and I wonder if he wants out , I get the feeling he would like it if i could support myself or maybe I look bad to other people ?????????

I am not in worry about this just trying to get jewelry business off the ground and have been successful with first show.

 

 

 

If i had it my way and I could afford to live on my own I would

Oh ya my boys are bigger than my husband and have informed me that if I need them they will be there- not that I feel that I am in danger but they must.

Never been physically abused by him personally or daughter

But I do know that his rage is a sign that things could get out of hand

But he is smart ...he knows that if he were to be physically abusive, other people would find out and being the perfectionist he would not let that happen

 

 

 
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