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Topic : 01/05 No More Jerks!

Number of Replies: 352
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Created on : Thursday, December 28, 2006, 05:03:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
One of the hardest resolutions to make is changing unhealthy relationship patterns. Dr. Phil’s guests draw a line in the sand and resolve to get it right, or get out! Tammy says her husband, Reynir, needs to learn how to be a nice guy. She says she’s been living in hell, and she’s tired of his obnoxious, controlling and jealous behavior. Tammy’s sister, Lori, joins the show despite Reynir’s objections, to voice her concern for her sister. What is behind Reynir’s anger, and is he jealous of Tammy’s relationship with Lori? Plus, Tammy reveals a huge resentment that’s been eating away at her for 20 years, and why she's been afraid to tell her husband. Will Reynir agree to get help, or will Tammy stand up and walk out? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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January 5, 2007, 10:56 am CST

Husband Needs Help

  The husband is obviously in a constant state of anger.  He needs to look into himself with therapy and see why.  Hopefully, he will see that this is not working and making his life and his family's life miserable.  Until that time, his wife also needs to work on herself and why she has lived this way for so long.  She should consider leaving for a period of time to get some space for her and her kids.
 
January 5, 2007, 11:10 am CST

Glad to hear back from you

Quote From: jeweld4evr

The saga continues

 

Husband did get together with othe kids and apologize , one of my sons comes around on holidays and we chat alot on the phone..the oldest is in a bad place right now and he is not approchable mostly because of his wife...but he loves me just the same.

he hated my husband but also knows he created alot of distrust and blames himself for some of it but beleive me we had the- you will not get between me and my kids more than once.

I think he was trying to make me believe that I should never have contact with them until the day I told him that my kids are my kids and I will always love them no matter what you say about them.

Husband stopped bad mouthing them from that day forward

He still bites his tonge when I discuss the oldest...

Husband is really not  tolerable of people that don't do things the way he percieves as the right way.

I have been a stay at home mom for 5 yrs I think now and things have been quiet mostly because I handle things with the daughter raising with sympathy and empathy and sometimes a firm voice which my daughter respects and loves me soo much me  being here...I know at first it was because she needed me to run interference with the dad but now she has gained a voice that dad respects and will listen to...sometimes he is too giving to her because he doesn't want conflict and he also doesn't want to dirve her or me away at this point.

BUT those suttle ways he has of being controling can make your brain crazy still. (Like , what you do today? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I throw that question right back at him

 

Husband grew up with an alcholic father and a perfectionist mother

 

Here IS something else that I have pondered, Husband has mentioned me not going to college,  But I am a stay at home mom for now and I wonder if he wants out , I get the feeling he would like it if i could support myself or maybe I look bad to other people ?????????

I am not in worry about this just trying to get jewelry business off the ground and have been successful with first show.

 

 

 

If i had it my way and I could afford to live on my own I would

Oh ya my boys are bigger than my husband and have informed me that if I need them they will be there- not that I feel that I am in danger but they must.

Never been physically abused by him personally or daughter

But I do know that his rage is a sign that things could get out of hand

But he is smart ...he knows that if he were to be physically abusive, other people would find out and being the perfectionist he would not let that happen

 

 

 Good! It sounds like you have taken some positive steps to let your children know that they are the most important things in your life. As far as having a college education - people with character don't care if you have a Masters degree or a third grade education. Some of the most influential people have never obtained a college degree. Best of luck to you and hopefully 2007 will be a good year for you and your family!!
 
January 5, 2007, 11:48 am CST

why do you think you're trapped?

Quote From: jeweld4evr

I have been married to this guy for 11 years. In the dating stage he enjoyed my kids from prev. marriage. He was gentle and soft spoken..He visited every night...Said he liked the family feeling he had with me, Sex was ok ( he had a bit to learn).  After we married I discovered he was a perfectionist and it drove my preteens crazy. He became verbally and physically abusive with them so I them decided to get in the middle of them and stop it...husband was shocked and I told him I didn't need him to discipline them any longer to -stay out of this area...at this time we had a newborn and she was instantly affected by his behavior. I found myself hiding in her room to shield her from the yelling...but he still cried uncontrollably until it was quiet.   We had many discussions about his behavior...he would then call the older children on the phone and yell at them...unbonneted to me...It happened to me one day ( on the phone) the day I told him I was starting a new job working as a cleaning supervisor in the evenings...At this time I had no money of my own and he was furious and said I had a credit card but would ask for the money to pay for my purchased of which I had none...My children ran away and stayed gone. I thought that would change things...My sister said "who will he abuse now"......I thought she was crazy...I had worked for five years  , about 2-3 hrs a night since daughter was about 2...she would be sleeping most of that time.  until she was about 4 ( bed time became later) one night she hid my keys and asked me to stay home...she took me into the bathroom and pleaded with me to stay home because daddy was mean. I found out that he had an explosive yelling fit at her because he was busy doing something and she needed help finding something.

He would barely apologize and I was off to work worried out of my mind...I then made sure she was at the neighbors while I was gone...things got worse when she was in first grade and she would call me home,,I would come. Husband sitting there nothing to say. I ended up getting let go from my job. My daughter suffered panic disorder and said that daddy was never sorry because he would always yell again...I had her in counseling and he was sickened that she wouldn't just stop it..One night I told him to leave and not to come back until he had been in counseling...That is when he realized that his behavior was no longer acceptable...got into counseling and started to change and like himself...His yelling was just a small portion of his abuse, he is so controlling and condescending I can hardly hold my words in. 

Through these years I have learned to be alone, a single parent and how to not need a man.

We are still married and get along better

Still I am wondering why when I am speaking he will continually speak over me every time I utter a word, or he just is not listening

His interests are sports, and  making sure everything is perfect...he checks me all the time...unplugs the vacuum if i left it plugged in to resume after I let the dog out, checks the doors to see if I locked them, checks windows, turns off lights when I am in a room. 

Here is something stupid...He will ask the dogs where there collars are and I am sure he expects me to get them like I used to. He is like that ...'Will ask where is the clicker or whatever and not look for it himself...mind you he is a very motivated person,,works out, does his own laundry keeps all his thing in perfect order.

One more thing on my mind that happened about 9 years ago...

He rang the phone and I said hello and realized he must have hit the speed dial button and he was having lunch with some colleagues..He was talking about our daughter and so I listened ...it was sweet to her him being a proud parent.. The conversation changed And I heard him say , ya it's like meeting girls...I was floored...I met him- he was too shy to say boo first..what did he know about meeting girls..

When I questioned him he lied, told me three  things, It wasn't me, It was Tom, No one ever said that, a couple days later-I'm sorry. I still don't know what he is sorry for...Was he meeting girls...I think he was...got a hang up call that year and a Christmas card from Sheri addressed to only

him.

Now ten years later There are alot of talk shows and info on cheating and when he hears something on TV he leaves the room or changes the channel.

He as learned to live life as it comes for the most part and lets things roll off like when he makes a mistake like breaks something he can let it go and laugh...but when it is me that does something stupid ...it's 20 questions and also

Oh...Help me with this  He walks back in the door cause he forgot his wallet and hits me in the tail bone accidentally with the door knob ...I am cringing in pain as he storms by -angry with me that I could be standing the way of the door and then he storms out...later I confront him a he apologizes for not asking if I was ok and admits that he does that kind of thing often to me and daughter

Leaving is not an option but living with him is hard...when he is here he is working on a project or napping..I don't seem to want to do things with him as a partner because things are not fun and do not feel right unless we are with other people, then he is mister personality.

 

I make and sell jewelry now and that keeps me happy...on occasion he is warm and sweet...usually has to do with sex though.

 

It is hard to talk to him because he is not a communicator and I get so nervous -I shake when I need to discuss something with him...He will fly off the handle instantly and a few days later will apologize.

 

why is leaving not an option?  Are you getting anything good from this marriage?
 
January 5, 2007, 11:55 am CST

there's help for you

Quote From: candita1956

Today's show hit home with me. You see I am the person who is angry. I am the one who has the most wonderful man in the world but I don't know how to be married to him. Let me give a short history. I was married prior to an abuser. 15 years. And in that time I was not allowed to be me. I became quiet, alone, and not wanting to go on. And when  I finally got out it was thru a hospital which I had to go into for 13 days because of an attempt to end my life. Now, I have this man who I met on line three years ago who worships me and wants nothing but the best for me and I can't relate. I am hurting him by being angry. I don't know how to be in this functional marriage. I don't know how to be okay and just live life with this man. I feel horrible that I am angry. Because in reality the anger I am feeling and placing on him is really towards me. The anger is what I feel for myself. I hear the things I say to him and I hear how much it sounds like the feelings I feel about me. The things I blame him for is all the things I hate about me but do not know how to get real about it. The fact that I let so many people do things against me. I feel like I have just let people hurt me my whole life including my molester of a father. Instead of being strong and standing up for me I have always wanted others to make me happy. To fill the void that I have not been able to fill for myself. These past few days has been very difficult for me as I found out my husband in the past week was on an on line dating site and said that he is separated and looking for another woman. This hurt me to the core. I hated this. I felt so crushed! I don't know what to do. He told me when he was confronted that he does not know why he did it. I feel that is a cop out.  I don't know what is going to happen with us,  but I am going to continue to work in my RELATIONSHIP RESCUE book of Dr. Phil's and I am going to get well and get right with me. I have to. I have to learn how to be happy again. To make myself happy and not rely on others to do that for me. I don't want to loose this man who I truly believe is a blessing from God. I just need to learn how to accept the gift. Any opinions please!

If you had an open, bleeding wound on your arm, would you try to cure it by reading a book?  Get treatment from an appropriate care-giver- psychiatrist/psychologist.  You've been traumatized repeatedly and you should be receiving care & treatment.  Not everything can be healed by self-help.

Meanwhile I'd tell my husband what you've told us: "I don't want to loose this man who I truly believe is a blessing from God. I just need to learn how to accept the gift."  Then tell him that you're going to get therapy because you both deserve a better situation.

Good luck

 
January 5, 2007, 12:06 pm CST

Get a divorce

Oh my goodness, all I could think when i was reading this was to file for divorce now!

save yourself, save your kids. it's not too late. you have support from Dr Phil which not all people have.

 
January 5, 2007, 12:21 pm CST

01/05 No More Jerks!

Quote From: seacart

 Good! It sounds like you have taken some positive steps to let your children know that they are the most important things in your life. As far as having a college education - people with character don't care if you have a Masters degree or a third grade education. Some of the most influential people have never obtained a college degree. Best of luck to you and hopefully 2007 will be a good year for you and your family!!

Thank you

You have a wonderful year too

I am a creative person and believe that my creative side cannot be learned.

 
January 5, 2007, 12:36 pm CST

Get Out Now!

Been going through with my daughter the EXACT SCENARIO for the last two years because of her "X" husband. I do mean exact!!! There is no way it gets any better!!  But get out of the marriage and make sure you have a GREAT attorney to help keep this guy at bay.
 
January 5, 2007, 12:50 pm CST

obsessive compulsive disorder

This man has OCD. He gets angry because he is anxious. He thinks that the people around him are causing this anxiety, and that getting angry at them will take away his anxiety. He needs therapy and maybe even medication. The fact that he came on the show is a step.
 
January 5, 2007, 12:54 pm CST

No more jerks

I am the daughter of a woman who was and is still married to a jerk.  For 30 yrs he's done nothing but be mentally, motionally and physically abusive. My siblings and I have done everything we can to try to get her to leave him but to no avail. I have to say that growing up in that environment has affected all of us in some type of way. Presently, my mother is still married to him and as a result of that my family is somewhat split up. Around the holidays we are never at mommy's house because of him and because of that, she winds up being hurt. As I am sitting here watching this episode, its clear that Rainer is colder then a block of ice. Even as his wife has broken down he has no reaction whatsoever. It's sad that some women have such low self esteem that they have allowed themselves to stay in those type of situations. In growing up in my household it's definitely taught me what to put up with and what not to put up with. All I can say is if you don't love yourself enough, no one else will.
 
January 5, 2007, 12:56 pm CST

01/05 No More Jerks!

Quote From: saesq2

why is leaving not an option?  Are you getting anything good from this marriage?

financially leaving will not work , been there, don't want to go back.

Good- Yes on good days he is fun and sex is excellent

            We recently started going to church where he grew up so he is getting involved in some of thier activities and myself when I can 

He is hard to live with and he knows it but he does try, sometimes though I would rather be left alone and not have to worry if he will be uptight or whatever  

On the other hand I would so like to be with someone that cherishes me and treats me like a queen.

I hear that can happen

Not sure that husband is capable of being that kind of person...but I do see him treat other people very nicely

He has told me that he is not good at living with people  ??????// 

 

 

 
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