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Topic : 01/05 No More Jerks!

Number of Replies: 352
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Created on : Thursday, December 28, 2006, 05:03:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
One of the hardest resolutions to make is changing unhealthy relationship patterns. Dr. Phil’s guests draw a line in the sand and resolve to get it right, or get out! Tammy says her husband, Reynir, needs to learn how to be a nice guy. She says she’s been living in hell, and she’s tired of his obnoxious, controlling and jealous behavior. Tammy’s sister, Lori, joins the show despite Reynir’s objections, to voice her concern for her sister. What is behind Reynir’s anger, and is he jealous of Tammy’s relationship with Lori? Plus, Tammy reveals a huge resentment that’s been eating away at her for 20 years, and why she's been afraid to tell her husband. Will Reynir agree to get help, or will Tammy stand up and walk out? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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January 5, 2007, 1:03 pm CST

Marriage

 I watched the program, and I saw alot of pain & anger on both sides, and yet I saw alot of love trying too connect again.

 

 I'am not going to sladder either one because that doesn't help nor is it the right course for all relationships, yelling divorse is a cop out.

 

I see a problem with him that he's scared to death to be volnerable and share with his family that it's ok to be scared but how you deal with it that matters, he thinks that if he acts sensitive people see him as weak. And being over controlling will protect him, this is weakness.

 

The wedding part: Weddings are special & important  for both partners, not just the bride or groom ,after all they're uniting, it's no more special for one than the other,why start your marriage out devided?

 

Communications and the willing to forgive & understand is a big factor in a relationship, we're not programmed robots nor is it right to try to change people after marriage, that's what dating is about finding the right person, and live with the bad and the good.

 

Just be honest in your relationships & trust your partner, heroes make mistakes too,and be happy!!

 

 

 

 

 
January 5, 2007, 1:07 pm CST

idiot of a husband

the chap on the show (sorry i don't remember his name) who was full of rage and didn't know where it came from. he sounds like my dad--never happy, full of rage and not acknowledging the fact it was HIM and not the rest of the world that has to be fixed.

to the wife: GET OUT-- HE AINT WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! from personal experience, the dude WONT change. he was acting not even a LITTLE remorseful over how he acted. any REAL man WHO CARES about the ppl in his life would be UPSET, and VISIBLY upset over the fact his WIFE is upset and would WILLINGLY change, and do it with a grateful heart knowing that things would and WILL be better if ALL parties are involved.

a REAL man doesnt take his anger on people he cares about. he acknowldges it,  deals with it and DOESN"T take it out on those who he is close to  rather he protects his loved ones, cares for them and treats them with love, dignity, respect and shows them how much they are valued in his eyes
 
January 5, 2007, 1:16 pm CST

Been there.....got out

Quote From: jeweld4evr

financially leaving will not work , been there, don't want to go back.

Good- Yes on good days he is fun and sex is excellent

            We recently started going to church where he grew up so he is getting involved in some of thier activities and myself when I can 

He is hard to live with and he knows it but he does try, sometimes though I would rather be left alone and not have to worry if he will be uptight or whatever  

On the other hand I would so like to be with someone that cherishes me and treats me like a queen.

I hear that can happen

Not sure that husband is capable of being that kind of person...but I do see him treat other people very nicely

He has told me that he is not good at living with people  ??????// 

 

 

As I watched the show today, I felt like I was watching my life with my ex-husband.  I lived in that same emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 14 years.  After going to counseling several months before we separated for the 3rd and final time, and was told by my counselor that I was in a "Domestic Violence" relationship, and accepting that although I thought professional women never could be in that situation, I began to build the courage to stand up for myself and what I believed in.  There is life after this type of relationship if you allow yourself to move on and believe you deserve better.  I found that "better" with my companion of 4 years.  I am not a princess on a pedastal.  The scars of the abuse will always be with me, and have made me who I am today, but I have learned to let someone love me the way every man and woman should be loved.  I am a firm believer that people don't change, only time changes.  It is time for this wonderful lady to seek help for herself and get on with her life.

 
January 5, 2007, 1:22 pm CST

Renir

As far as this show is concerned....give me a break! If he's been such a creep, then why stay with him? Tammy was whining so much, and most looked fake, that it made me sick! I am not commenting on everyone's situation, just this one! SO, don't go gettin' on me for the way I feel about this particular couple.

She (Tammy) needs a backbone. She had raised a child in this garbage of a relationship and that wasn't negotiable; meaning she should've left him a long time ago. If someone wants to be a rug for their spouse, WHATEVER, but when children come into play, get some dignity and do what's right for that child.

I just think that her whining was simply a sad display for alot of sympathy for a bed she made herself. She can clean it up now, or sit and stay a victim until kingdom comes....it's up to her, but I guarantee she'll still be a whiner no matter the choice.

 
January 5, 2007, 1:23 pm CST

I know about this...

This guy and my husband of 25 years could be twins.  We tried marriage counseling for several years.  It was hopeless.  My husband was much more interested in being right than recognizing anything beyond what I did wrong.  He could justify, rationalize and make excuses for all of his behavior all of the time.  Each time we tried to discuss his behavior, he would do the same thing - he would admit an anger problem and he always followed it with a "but...."  He was angry because I would not be "affectionate."  He was angry because I argued with him.  He was angry because I did something wrong.  There was nothing I could do that was ever good enough.  I spent most of my marriage trying the best I could to avoid his rages.  I couldn't ask him to do anything because that might annoy him.  Worse, I knew if I did, that would be the one thing he would not do.  He would take over entire rooms - he would move or throw out my stuff and take over the space.  I never knew from day to day where my things would be.  He would go into rages and spend hours calling me names, all the while telling me I deserved this treatment - once again, I did something wrong.  I tried everything - treating him the way he treated me, withdrawing, reasoning, etc., nothing worked.  Finally, the counsellor suggested a book - "Walking on Eggshells."  When I bought the book, it was like an epiphany.  I cried for days - it was like the author lived in my house.  I left my husband over a year ago.  My husband is much nicer now - he claims he has changed but the only change is that I no longer live with his crazy making - he cannot rage at me because I can hang up on him or throw him out.  He still refuses to discuss what bothers me without playing the blame game.  He still has not taken responsibility for his behavior beyond saying he had a bad temper.  He will acknowledge the pain and hurt but believes that if he says this, that means the discussion should end immediately.   He does not recognize my need to talk about it.  Thus, he has not changed.  It is still all about him. 

 

I know this is very long - this guest needs to get out of this marriage.  I can see the resistance in her husband.  He may cooperate for a little while but he will only go for so long and than it will be that she owes him because he has "changed."  Trust me.  Relationships are not about what one person owes another.  That is a business transaction not a relationship.  He should be doing what she has already been doing for years, trying to make her happy. 

 
January 5, 2007, 1:27 pm CST

My Marriage exactly

I've been married 6 years and I am this guy. This is my only mariage.

I've had been in therapy in my late 20's and early 30's. I am now 48. Most of my family is dead or gone. How long can a person blame their childhood for the way THEY ARE?!!!  

I have used all these words in my marriage. Frustrated, hurt, lonely.etc. I know I am saying the wrong things to my wife as soon as I say them. I don't know how to be empathetic. I am tied to my history and what has made me moderately successful. How do you let that go and be different. Isn't that who I AM?

 There is a saying; HURT PEOPLE-HURT PEOPLE. I come from a damaged upbringing and I am damaged!!!  Should I be discarded, can I be returned like merchandise? What can I do? Avoid intimate relationships and be lonely? Try not to feel, remove myself from interactions with others, self medicate with drugs and alcohol (or shopping, food, sex, exercise, t.v., etc. etc. etc.)? I've tried most of them.  What are the answers Doc.???

 
January 5, 2007, 1:38 pm CST

01/05 No More Jerks!

I just went through a similar situation.  I tried to deal w/my husbands anger and he sensed rejection from me and it just got worst.  I realized that I loved him but didn't like him anymore.  I didn't want to be touched by him.  I have ben married for ten years I started dating him at 15 married at 19.  We are the model couple to everyone.  He is different then the man on the show, he tells me he loves me all the time and how beautiful I am, and helps around  the house but that is why his explosions hurt so much, I feel tricked almost.  His passion for life is equal in his passion for anger.  I was constantly waiting for a bomb to go off.  I used to joke and say "I know why you love me so much, because you hate me and you love to hate"  I told him I would be gone if he didn't change and he is trying.  Now I am trying to like him again.  You can just flick a switch it takes time.
 
January 5, 2007, 1:43 pm CST

01/05 No More Jerks!

I worry this will be my son when he is an adult. At 12 he is angry, nothing is his fault and won't actknowledge his faults. I hope I can get him the help he needs before he follows in this mans footsteps.
 
January 5, 2007, 1:44 pm CST

01/05 No More Jerks!

Quote From: kathleen218

This is a little awkward for me to post my story online, but I feel as though I need to do something that may help me. I am 3 days out of a 3 year relationship. I began dating this guy my last year in college and we have managed to stay together through distance. He joined the military and moved a few hours away from home. For the past year I have been applying to jobs every day in the area he moved and finally 2 months ago I was hired for a well known non profit agency where he lives and moved here. Needless to say, I moved down here and we broke up. I am stuck in this town 3 hours away from family and friends and don't know what to do. I have contemplated quitting my job and going back home. I am very heartbroken and feel like I can't even get up in the morning. I am trying to tell myself he is a "jerk" and it was not meant to be. I keep hearing from family and friends it is better that it happened now and not down the road when we are married. Everywhere I look I see memories of "us" and think about the future we used to talk about. I am scared things will not get better and I will never get over him. I thought I was stronger than this and could handle a break up. I keep thinking I am never going to find someone else and will never get married and have a family. I need help to get over my "jerk!"

Time!  It takes time!  You're only three days out of it--everyone feels like death warmed over at that stage.  It took me months (years, maybe) to get over my last boyfriend.

 

You're allowed to mourn for a relationship but don't lose perspective on the bigger picture.  Three hours is close enough to go home on weekends (or have them visit you; have some girlfriends come down and start a new set of fun memories with them to replace the old ones).  A new job can mean new opportunities; if you like the job, don't let him throw it away for you.

 
January 5, 2007, 1:51 pm CST

she's whiney, but his behavior is still wrong

Quote From: tbailey001

As far as this show is concerned....give me a break! If he's been such a creep, then why stay with him? Tammy was whining so much, and most looked fake, that it made me sick! I am not commenting on everyone's situation, just this one! SO, don't go gettin' on me for the way I feel about this particular couple.

She (Tammy) needs a backbone. She had raised a child in this garbage of a relationship and that wasn't negotiable; meaning she should've left him a long time ago. If someone wants to be a rug for their spouse, WHATEVER, but when children come into play, get some dignity and do what's right for that child.

I just think that her whining was simply a sad display for alot of sympathy for a bed she made herself. She can clean it up now, or sit and stay a victim until kingdom comes....it's up to her, but I guarantee she'll still be a whiner no matter the choice.

 In essence I agree with you, but I wouldn't have posed my indictment of her so harshly. The fact that she's whiney and playing the martyr card is part of the relationship's problematic dynamic.

I wish Dr. Phil would have focused more on the relationship, rather than just the husband alone. Both have a share in the problem. Yeah, he needs to stop being a jerk and control his temper. yet she also needs to draw some boundaries. She needs to stop letting herself be victimized.

Wow, just now Dr. Phil took the wife to task. I guess she needed to hear it. Leave it to Dr. Phil to not sugarcoat a wake-up call!
 
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