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Topic : 01/05 No More Jerks!

Number of Replies: 352
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Created on : Thursday, December 28, 2006, 05:03:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
One of the hardest resolutions to make is changing unhealthy relationship patterns. Dr. Phil’s guests draw a line in the sand and resolve to get it right, or get out! Tammy says her husband, Reynir, needs to learn how to be a nice guy. She says she’s been living in hell, and she’s tired of his obnoxious, controlling and jealous behavior. Tammy’s sister, Lori, joins the show despite Reynir’s objections, to voice her concern for her sister. What is behind Reynir’s anger, and is he jealous of Tammy’s relationship with Lori? Plus, Tammy reveals a huge resentment that’s been eating away at her for 20 years, and why she's been afraid to tell her husband. Will Reynir agree to get help, or will Tammy stand up and walk out? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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January 2, 2007, 7:19 am CST

Get out and be Happy

 

     It is now 2007, look back into your life and see if you can find a time where you the happiest.  Why is it that most women and sometimes men, feel that they have to have some live in, chaotic, disaster messing with their own space and serenity??

 

     I did that for years, because I had a problem with being alone, when I figured out why I overcame that and moved on to the next thing holding me in misery.  Little by little I fell in Love with myself and am grateful that God has always been there by my side through it all.  He has always been there, it was ME who abandoned him and his spirit and I can say Thank God he has given me the chance to overcome things I never thought possible.

 

    It is not a religious feeling, I do not believe in religion, it is totally a strong SPIRITUAL connection in which I am blessed with and I pray you have the same strength one day. 

Being alone in my own home now, going to school, keeping a strong contact with God is very simple and and extrodinary life. 

 

 Try it if you don't like it go back to the misery you are in NOW.

 
January 2, 2007, 8:09 am CST

Getting rid of jerks

I just had to get rid of a jerk. I met a guy at a friend's birthday party and at first he seemed so nice and I thought I found my perfect mate but then after dating for a while, he started showing his true self. He had his own accounting business and also worked two days a week at a corporation doing their payroll. His wife had passed away about a year and a half ago. At first we went out to nice restaurants and ordered steak dinners and then as time went on it became 99 cent hamburgers. He was too controlling. Then he started noticing all the women who would walk by in the parking lot or on the street and let me know he noticed them by making all sorts of remarks like Ooooh and Aaahhhh and Wow Look at that. I asked him to stop and he said he would but then he did it whenever a sexy woman would come on television. So I finally had it with him and Iold him it was all over. Then he really blew his stack and kicked me out. I was visiting him in another town and I had to go stay with a friend because he got so mad and threw me out. At the corporation where he works, there is a young sexy secretary who is only 30 yrs old and he  is almost 66 and he had to tell me all the time how he drools over her. I told him he could be her grandfather and he said he didn't want to be reminded of that. So anyway, I finally got rid of him and told him it was all over. He was very controlling in other ways, too. I'm glad i got rid of him but it is too bad he changed so much and began doing all those things. It all seemed so perfect before that. So, if you are going with a jerk or married to one, you will be better off without them. It's not worth all the trouble and pain they put you through. He didn't even want the secretary to meet a young good-looking chiropractor friend of mine because he was so jealous. I think if they could have met, they would have really liked each other but he screwed it up and didn't want them to meet. He wants to keep living in a fantasy land thinking he has a chance with her. There is no way she wants him but yet he didn't want her to meet the friend. I even showed her a picture of him and she was interested but he gave some sort of excuse that she does not answer the phone and so it would do no good to call. What kind of secretary doesn't answer the phone?
 
January 2, 2007, 9:45 am CST

I so agree!

Quote From: swissmickey

 

     It is now 2007, look back into your life and see if you can find a time where you the happiest.  Why is it that most women and sometimes men, feel that they have to have some live in, chaotic, disaster messing with their own space and serenity??

 

     I did that for years, because I had a problem with being alone, when I figured out why I overcame that and moved on to the next thing holding me in misery.  Little by little I fell in Love with myself and am grateful that God has always been there by my side through it all.  He has always been there, it was ME who abandoned him and his spirit and I can say Thank God he has given me the chance to overcome things I never thought possible.

 

    It is not a religious feeling, I do not believe in religion, it is totally a strong SPIRITUAL connection in which I am blessed with and I pray you have the same strength one day. 

Being alone in my own home now, going to school, keeping a strong contact with God is very simple and and extrodinary life. 

 

 Try it if you don't like it go back to the misery you are in NOW.

I have had my share of bad relationships and I have always felt that I needed to be with someone, like that defined me or something.  Well, I left my ex-fiance' in June 06' and I am getting to know myself, what I want in life, moving forward and it is the best time for me.

 

My kids are grown and on their own in different parts of the world, so it is my time to shine!  I am a religious person and GOD has helped me out so much through all my down times.

 

2007 is going to be an awesome year for me and I can't wait to see what it holds.

 

Learn to love yourself first and then you can find that special someone who will love you the way you deserve! NO MORE JERKS!

 
January 2, 2007, 9:47 am CST

no more jerks!!

I am so happy to be in a great relationship now.  I've gone out with drunks, druggies, and control freaks.  I have been in a vicious circle for too long.  The man I have now is working, doesn't want to spend every last penny on alcohol or weed.  I've been with my new man over a year now.  Life is fantastic.  I can actually be myself.  No more worries.
 
January 3, 2007, 1:34 am CST

He didn't change...

Quote From: elvirus

I just had to get rid of a jerk. I met a guy at a friend's birthday party and at first he seemed so nice and I thought I found my perfect mate but then after dating for a while, he started showing his true self. He had his own accounting business and also worked two days a week at a corporation doing their payroll. His wife had passed away about a year and a half ago. At first we went out to nice restaurants and ordered steak dinners and then as time went on it became 99 cent hamburgers. He was too controlling. Then he started noticing all the women who would walk by in the parking lot or on the street and let me know he noticed them by making all sorts of remarks like Ooooh and Aaahhhh and Wow Look at that. I asked him to stop and he said he would but then he did it whenever a sexy woman would come on television. So I finally had it with him and Iold him it was all over. Then he really blew his stack and kicked me out. I was visiting him in another town and I had to go stay with a friend because he got so mad and threw me out. At the corporation where he works, there is a young sexy secretary who is only 30 yrs old and he  is almost 66 and he had to tell me all the time how he drools over her. I told him he could be her grandfather and he said he didn't want to be reminded of that. So anyway, I finally got rid of him and told him it was all over. He was very controlling in other ways, too. I'm glad i got rid of him but it is too bad he changed so much and began doing all those things. It all seemed so perfect before that. So, if you are going with a jerk or married to one, you will be better off without them. It's not worth all the trouble and pain they put you through. He didn't even want the secretary to meet a young good-looking chiropractor friend of mine because he was so jealous. I think if they could have met, they would have really liked each other but he screwed it up and didn't want them to meet. He wants to keep living in a fantasy land thinking he has a chance with her. There is no way she wants him but yet he didn't want her to meet the friend. I even showed her a picture of him and she was interested but he gave some sort of excuse that she does not answer the phone and so it would do no good to call. What kind of secretary doesn't answer the phone?

I was once married to a man who was just the nicest guy in the world...generous, thoughtful, complimentary...until after I married him. I couldn't understand why he had changed, what I had done to turn that wonderful man into a cheap, controlling, emotionally abusive monster. After 10 miserable years I finally ended up seeing a therapist who helped me open my eyes...what she helped me realize is that HE WAS PRETENDING in order to get me hooked, after which he quit pretending and started being his real self. And there is no doubt in my mind that you have experienced the same thing. All the "nice" behaviour was for the purpose of hooking you, after which he could go back to being his own real self. Why? Because these kinds of guys have SERIOUS interpersonal problems...they need a whipping post, a dumping ground, and if you fall for their pretend personality, you get to be it!

 

How can you tell, early on, if a man is like this? You can't. You just have to be ready to ditch him as soon as the negative behaviours start. Don't beat yourself up and think it is your fault he changed...he didn't change, he's just showing his true colours. Remember, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince, so don't go into each date (or relationship) thinking "he's the One!" because the odds are against it. It's a numbers game...kiss a big enough number of frogs and eventually a prince will show up. I've found TWO since ditching Mr. Control Freak. Married them both (#2 after being widowed by #1, of course).

 

Don't waste your time hanging onto a jerk and trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...you need the time to kiss all those frogs so you can finally find the prince!

 
January 3, 2007, 5:53 am CST

No More,,,,,sometimes not so easy to get rid of one.

I'd very much like to get rid of my jerk. However we are married with three children. I'm so confused and scared its like a waking nightmare. I stood by my husband every step of the way when he was deployed to Iraq. We had just met and I was left here alone with my oldest daughter and a baby on the way. After 18 months of hard times and worry and ill treatment from him, which I blamed on stress from being in a war zone, he returned home and I was careless and now have another child with him. I have known that there was something not right between us for awhile but I had trust issues and he was so convincing that he was truthful and I was crazy. Well to make a long story short I have found after a little looking that he is addicted to internet porn.(he admitted after being caught he might have a problem) I hate this life I have chosen, I can not believe anything he says to me. He also swears he has never cheated,,,think I believe that? I feel like my world is crashing down around me and I'm trying to hold it together. I'm in college trying to get my nursing degee and focasing on my children but I feel lost and I really hate him. I'm tied to him so strongly with the kids and our life, but I feel like we have no life.
 
January 3, 2007, 11:52 am CST

Accept what cannot change...

I spent four and a half years trying to understand a violent and abusive control freak, only to realize the impossible, that I thought I could "fix" him....if I loved him enough, supported him enough, gave him what he wanted and needed, if I sacrificed enough, he'd change, be happier, be kinder, gentler, more loving, stop using drugs and drinking.  I kept believing that eventually he'd be better, and love me back the way I wanted and needed to be loved.  I know now that it can't be done - not that way.  It took me waking up with a knife to my throat to realize it, and my child was in the next room.   I thank God we got away at all!

 

Even with all that, it was scary, difficult and no matter how right it is, there are times I would second guess myself.  NOW, I say - Stay strong and GET AWAY!!  One day you'll wake up and realize that it does get better, you'll be able to smile and know you have your LIFE back.  It's worth it.  YOU are worth it!

 
January 4, 2007, 5:49 am CST

you are right

Quote From: julie42

I spent four and a half years trying to understand a violent and abusive control freak, only to realize the impossible, that I thought I could "fix" him....if I loved him enough, supported him enough, gave him what he wanted and needed, if I sacrificed enough, he'd change, be happier, be kinder, gentler, more loving, stop using drugs and drinking.  I kept believing that eventually he'd be better, and love me back the way I wanted and needed to be loved.  I know now that it can't be done - not that way.  It took me waking up with a knife to my throat to realize it, and my child was in the next room.   I thank God we got away at all!

 

Even with all that, it was scary, difficult and no matter how right it is, there are times I would second guess myself.  NOW, I say - Stay strong and GET AWAY!!  One day you'll wake up and realize that it does get better, you'll be able to smile and know you have your LIFE back.  It's worth it.  YOU are worth it!

I'm trying to formulate a plan to go with my children. We live in his house that his grandmoher left him. I dont think she would have wanted me and my children out on the street but this is just how it is. He has let me know that this is HIS house. I remember the day's before in my life when i could just walk away. I do miss those days,but do not regret my children. It just makes it so much harder. If I could offer any advice on jerks is do not get tied down to one.
 
January 4, 2007, 11:38 am CST

How do I get passed my hurt and anger. . . . . . . . . . . .

  1. My father was a jerk and seems like I still meet men like him as tho my father is still not dead! ! ! !.
  2. My ex-husband and his wife are jerks.
  3. My son is dead.
  4. My other children - grown women have their own agendas as to what they think I should be able to do - both physically and emotionally.  And that it seems OK to mention the words "dad" and "______"(wife) around me and the things they do together (or seeing photo's in their homes with their father and none of me) which is like a knife being stabbed into my heart.
  5. My grandchildren are important to me but it was (planned by my girls and son before he died not to invite me to the Pollyanna where I could have some joy at Christmas with all my grandchildren!  and son too the Christmas before he died, which I did not get to spend with him!   quote from my one daughter - "it was decided to be just the cousins - because if we invited you then we would have to invite dad".  My response?  He doesn't care about them.  "Make quality time with me and grandchildren.  Then have time with him(dad) on another day". 
  6. May have been listened to but do not believe my children will actually hear what I am needing/saying.
  7. Quote from daughter - "You haven't been happy in every place you moved to" (no, I lost my house!  (thru the divorce 1995) ex has my and I quote my house that I chose); lived with people who had their own issues and took it out on me while going through cancer/radiation treatment for uterine cancer (sexual violation) fall 2001. 
    Lived in other apt's (6 to be exact) since divorce not able to afford a house, had to give up my horses, something that was comforting and relaxing for me; had to give my last dog back to ex because I could not take care of her in an efficiency apartment (yet ex can afford his). 
  8. - simply put I had to give up a lot that I enjoyed and put up with a lot of negativity and not much of a support network -
  9. Soul Recovery is hard work! ! ! !  Therapy is like going thru emotional surgery - it stirs up all the previous doctor/surgery/hospitals/etc. from my 'past' plus everything else from my childhood to present.
  10. Recovery after therapy session/emotional surgery is no different than recovery after physical surgery.
 
January 4, 2007, 6:53 pm CST

Life is too Short

 I married at a young age.  I have two boys.  I stayed in a married because I was brought up to "stick it out for the kids sake."  If I had listened to that advice, I'd be dead by now.  Not only did my ex mentally abuse me, he had played a race to the Dist. Atty and lied his way into full custody.  I thought life couldn't be any worse.  Till the I.R.S. had contacted me with an $18,000.00 dollar bill.  At 28 who thought I would loose my kids and be in a Chapter 13.

 

  Karma is a wonderful thing!!!  Justice is slow, but I have shown what a lieing blankity blank my ex is.  In fact so has a higher power.  He has had to go thru 10 surgeries for cancer on his private part. (not much left to speak of.  The boys who are (and have been with me for years) are doing well.  Mostly they are angry at a Dad who is evil and cruel.

 

  Long story short.... Life is too short to be miserable.  The truth will set you free.  If you know your not happy, get out!!!  There is NO reason to be miserable with an evil person!!!

 

 

 
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