Topic : 01/08 The Dr. Phil House: Teen Intervention

Okay I think the majority of people agree that Enza is a completely negative force!  And there is no question that this family is in chaos.  But enough already with all the finger pointing!  Has Kim made some mistakes? no question!  Is Enza causing more harm than good?  Absolutely!  But what good does all this blame and judgment do for the family?  It doesn't! 

Many of you have commented on why Dr. Phil has allowed Aunt Enza in the house.  That is simple, whether or not she is trying to help Alex or hurt Kim she definitely a strong influence in Alex's life and even though she is destructive, Alex has a bond with her.  Dr. Phil knows that in order to make any real headway with Alex he needs to bring Enza into the healing process - she NEEDS to be there - so she is not able to continue to undermine Kim and the work that needs to take place between Alex and her mother. 

Also I think that comments such as "children are a product of their environment" are absolutely true!  The problem is that when people say that it is usually used to place blame solely on the parent or parents.  Since when were children - much less teenagers - raised in a vacuum?  A teenagers environment includes so much more than their parents.  They have other family members, friends, and teachers that influence them as well.  Not to mention the types of communities that they live in, and the whole of society and the media with all of the confusing and negative messages that are sent to our youth. 

For five years I have worked with troubled girls in various settings and while I have never met a perfect parent, I rarely meet ones that don't want to do their best for their children.  Kim strikes me as a loving mother who, through her daughters evolution through adolescence, lost the ability to effectively communicate with her daughter.  While this happens to many parents and their teenagers it is not always with such devastating consequences. 

What does, in my opinion, make matters worse is the fact that her father was never really involved in her life.  Now I don't intend to vilify her father but a young girl needs to know how to interact with the opposite sex and she learns about her own self worth and how to command respect from males her age from her father.  When this person is absent in her life she has to maneuver through this learning process on her own - usually by watching television or movies, listening to music, and also to her friends' naive and often inaccurate advice.

Furthermore, for Alex to be able to walk through her adolescence without the absence of her father dramatically and negatively affecting her, Kim would have had to adequately compensate for his absence, which is almost impossible to do.  Many single mothers do however attempt this by trying to find a substitute father figure for their children.   Because finding a suitable companion and someone willing or able to take on the responsibility of an already made family is incredibly difficult, single mothers often settle for what ever is available, which often causes many problems such as a less than desirable step-parent or a mother in and out of relationships. 

I don't want to remove anyone from their need to take responsibility for their actions.  There is definitely work that needs to be done between Alex and her mother and it begins with each of them taking that responsibility and really owning it.  But relationships are all about rupture and repair - they have spent enough time tearing down their relationship and focusing on blame will only continue that cycle.  It is now time that our finger pointing stops so we are able to appreciate the process of watching them begin to repair their relationship and their lives.  My hope is that this family truely gets whatever it is that they need to save them all.

Okay I think the majority of people agree that Enza is a completely negative force!  And there is no question that this family is in chaos.  But enough already with all the finger pointing!  Has Kim made some mistakes? no question!  Is Enza causing more harm than good?  Absolutely!  But what good does all this blame and judgment do for the family?  It doesn't! 

Many of you have commented on why Dr. Phil has allowed Aunt Enza in the house.  That is simple, whether or not she is trying to help Alex or hurt Kim she definitely a strong influence in Alex's life and even though she is destructive, Alex has a bond with her.  Dr. Phil knows that in order to make any real headway with Alex he needs to bring Enza into the healing process - she NEEDS to be there - so she is not able to continue to undermine Kim and the work that needs to take place between Alex and her mother. 

Also I think that comments such as "children are a product of their environment" are absolutely true!  The problem is that when people say that it is usually used to place blame solely on the parent or parents.  Since when were children - much less teenagers - raised in a vacuum?  A teenagers environment includes so much more than their parents.  They have other family members, friends, and teachers that influence them as well.  Not to mention the types of communities that they live in, and the whole of society and the media with all of the confusing and negative messages that are sent to our youth. 

For five years I have worked with troubled girls in various settings and while I have never met a perfect parent, I rarely meet ones that don't want to do their best for their children.  Kim strikes me as a loving mother who, through her daughters evolution through adolescence, lost the ability to effectively communicate with her daughter.  While this happens to many parents and their teenagers it is not always with such devastating consequences. 

What does, in my opinion, make matters worse is the fact that her father was never really involved in her life.  Now I don't intend to vilify her father but a young girl needs to know how to interact with the opposite sex and she learns about her own self worth and how to command respect from males her age from her father.  When this person is absent in her life she has to maneuver through this learning process on her own - usually by watching television or movies, listening to music, and also to her friends' naive and often inaccurate advice.

Furthermore, for Alex to be able to walk through her adolescence without the absence of her father dramatically and negatively affecting her, Kim would have had to adequately compensate for his absence, which is almost impossible to do.  Many single mothers do however attempt this by trying to find a substitute father figure for their children.   Because finding a suitable companion and someone willing or able to take on the responsibility of an already made family is incredibly difficult, single mothers often settle for what ever is available, which often causes many problems such as a less than desirable step-parent or a mother in and out of relationships. 

I don't want to remove anyone from their need to take responsibility for their actions.  There is definitely work that needs to be done between Alex and her mother and it begins with each of them taking that responsibility and really owning it.  But relationships are all about rupture and repair - they have spent enough time tearing down their relationship and focusing on blame will only continue that cycle.  It is now time that our finger pointing stops so we are able to appreciate the process of watching them begin to repair their relationship and their lives.  My hope is that this family truely gets whatever it is that they need to save them all.