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Topic : 06/11 Mega Moochers

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Created on : Friday, January 05, 2007, 10:50:16 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 1/10/07) Dr. Phil takes on a different kind of moocher … the Mega Moocher! Not only do these extreme freeloaders refuse to work -- decades at a time -- but they expect you to support them and their entire family forever! Connie says her 33-year-old son, Richard, is so lazy and selfish that he actually found a way to put her out of her own home, so he could move his family of five in. Connie and her husband, Rick, say they have paid over $30,000 in the last 18 months to support Richard, and they have had enough. Is an eviction the only way to get him out? And can Connie live with the guilt, knowing it could leave her three grandchildren homeless as well? Then, Janelle wants her brother, Jeff, to stop mooching off their 91-year-old grandfather, who has been supporting him for 18 years. Jeff says he has no need to work because he doesn’t have kids. Will this be the day these guests put an end to their family members’ freeloading ways? Tell us what you think!

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June 11, 2007, 5:06 pm CDT

The Moochers...

That second guy that was on the show was scary. I would be worried about him doing something really bad before it's all over. It would be interesting to know if he snapped out on his family and did something bad to them. Has anyone heard from him or the family lately? Is there a smell coming from the house??
 
June 11, 2007, 5:31 pm CDT

06/11 Mega Moochers

When watching this episode, two things in particular came to mind. First, fostering independence is one of the greatest things parents can do for their children. The seed needs to be planted and nutured so it grows as the child grows.  Second, there is a difference between helping and enabling. It's important to know when it crosses the line.  Enabling allows the person to continue with the behavior. Behavior is hard to change, and the bottom line is that if people don't have to change, they usually won't.
 
June 11, 2007, 5:40 pm CDT

been there...done that...

Quote From: halfpint63056

 I HAVE A BROTHER WHO HAS SERIOUS PROBLEMS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL IT ISN'T MY PROBLEM, BUT I LOVE HIM AND HATE SEEING THE PATH HE HAS BEEN TAKING FOR A WHILE. EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY HAS HELPED HIM IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY. I LIVE IN A DIFFERENT STATE THAN THE REST OF MY FAMILY, I MOVED HIM UP HERE WITH ME SO THAT HE COULD GET A FRESH START AND GET HIS LIFE TOGETHER.  WELL A YEAR WENT BY AND HE WAS STILL AS WORTHLESS AS BEFORE. I HAVE HELPED HIM IN SO MANY WAYS AND HE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING. HE DIDN'T LIKE THE RULES I HAD IN MY HOME SO HE WOULD SNEAK AROUND AND GO AGAINST EVERYTHING I SAID. LET ME JUST SAY THAT HE IS ALMOST 26, LIVING WITH HIS YOUNGER SISTER(ME) THAT HAS 2 KIDS AND A HUSBAND. HE PUT MY THROUGH A REALLY HARD TIME, SO HARD THAT WE WOULD GET INTO FIGHTS. EVENTUALLY I HAD TO KICK HIM OUT WHICH LED TO ME HAVING TO CALL MY IN LAWS TO GET HIM OUT. NE WAYS HIS PROBLEM IS, IS THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK, WHEN HE GETS MONEY THE FIRST THING ON HIS MIND IS ALCOHOL. HE HAS BEEN HOMELESS AND JOBLESS IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO HELP HIMSELF, INSTEAD HE CALLS THE FAMILY AND LAYS GUILT TRIPS ON THEM. EVENTUALLY THEY GIVE IN AND SEND HIM MONEY, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS FOR FOOD. INSTEAD OF GETTING FOOD OR A PLACE TO SLEEP FOR THE NIGHT HE GETS ALCOHOL. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL IF MY FAMILY KEEPS DOING THIS, THEN HE WILL NEVER LEARN, EVEN THOUGH YOU WOULD THINK THAT HE WOULD HAVE ALREADY LEARNED.  HE NEVER COMES OUT AND ASKS FOR ANYTHING. HE HAS A WAY OF MANIPULATIONG AND MAKING EVERYONE FEEL BAD. AND WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG HE HAS AN EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING OR IT'S ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. HE'S CONSTANTLY SETTING AROUND FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF INSTEAD OF GETTING OFF HIS BUTT AND DOING SOMETHING.  HE HAS THREATENED SUICIDE SO MANY TIMES, BUT I'M JUST AT THE POINT OF NOT BELIEVING ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH. I HONESTLY DON'T THINK HE HAS THE GUTS TO DO ANYTHING TO HIMSELF, IT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY OF MANIPULATION FOR HIM. HE ALWAYS WANTS SOMEONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM,. IT'S ALWAYS GOT TO BE ABOUT HIM OR IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD. I NEED SOME MAJOR HELP ON WHAT TO DO. I WAS HOPING TO GET SOME GOOD ADVICE. HOPEFULLY DR. PHIL WILL READ THIS AND CONSIDER THIS TO BE IMPORTANT AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. HE NEEDS HELP, BUT NO ONE CAN HELP HIM CAUSE HE DON'T WANT TO HELP HIMSELF.    PLEASE HELP!!!!

I have 4 brother's, 4/4 are addict's, 1/4 can actually hold a job (my youngest brother) 2/4 are incarcerated- one in a mental hospital ( due to self inflicted brain damage from drug (meth) use),& another one in prison from robbing stores at gunpoint for crack money.  Also have another brother (crack addict, alcoholic and type 1 diabetic)  He live's with my parent's and only work's enough to support his drug habit.  My mother and father are watching him kill himself everyday.  He will aact like he really want's help(manipulation) my mother will go through all of the steps to get him into rehab, get good doctor's ect. ect. and he will make excuses as to why he can't follow through with treatment.  My mom now think's it would be wise for him to move here to Florida where I reside....she live's in Ohio...  I have a husband, 4 children, and am already taking care of my ill mother in law and worthless mooching brother in law.   I have also already allowed  3 of my brother's  to live with me through the year's and they never changed....It was a big fat waste of my time and effort.  You see where they have ended up!

 I have 4 children  that I am trying to instill values and morals into everyday and I dont think taking care of a person like this is sending out the right message to our children. It totally contradict's everything I am teaching my children.  My children get up and function like normal citizens of society!  why can't they?    I think it is selfish of my mother to try to burden my family and I with his problem's.  I love my brother(s) but I can't help him/them anymore than they/he can help himself  which he is obviously incapable of doing.    Did I also mention that my brother will buy alcohol/drug's before he will buy his insulin!!!!!!!!!!  It is really sad to sit and watch my brother's waste away in their bad choices but that is their choice and we are not responsible for that.  In AA we say a prayer (God, grant me the serenity to accept the thing's i cannot change, the courage to change the thing's I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  ) Not to sound cynical but   I think this is maybe one of those moment's- speaking from experience!  :)  You might see if your area has a local YMCA or something of that sort to at least help to house him.   I know there are resources out there somewhere!  Goodluck and let us know how thing's turn out...

Also, my ex and the father of my two oldest children commited suicide in 2004- he threatened suicide for a year before he actually followed through with it.  I never thought he would follow through!  I  thought it was a form of manipulation but he shot himself on Father's Day (of all day's) what a legacy to leave your children eh?   I regret that I didnt take his threat's more serious My husband and I did try to seek him help (he didnt want it).  I learned after his suicide that the threat's should alway's be taken serious.  I wish I knew then what I know now about suicide he may still be here with his kid's today.  Not only did my ex commit suicide but so did my husband's ex in 2003.  She had attemped suicide on several occasions before she unfortunatly succeded.   You might check into a netcare facility to get your brother some counsling for depression ect. ect.  The YMCA may be able to help you find other form's of treatment ect.  Depression and drug/ alcohol use is not a good mix- sounds like your brother is self medicating his issues with the drugs/ alcohol.   Maybe a long term rehab facility with aftercare, AA meetings...ect... would help and considering he is not doing anything else maybe he can learn something about himself.  The program works if you work it.     Goodluck & God Bless, GoDiVa   

 
June 11, 2007, 6:00 pm CDT

Second Mega Moocher Manipulates Mandibles

Quote From: jlynns

When watching this episode, two things in particular came to mind. First, fostering independence is one of the greatest things parents can do for their children. The seed needs to be planted and nutured so it grows as the child grows.  Second, there is a difference between helping and enabling. It's important to know when it crosses the line.  Enabling allows the person to continue with the behavior. Behavior is hard to change, and the bottom line is that if people don't have to change, they usually won't.
   In concurance with some prior message, I have a great concern where someone can listen to criticism and strong judgement without reaction or obvious concern with his own actions or what the ramifications of those actions might be.  Except - if you watch his jaws.

S. F.
 
June 11, 2007, 6:12 pm CDT

the 33 yr old moocher

this is a repeat but this guy needs to get a live he is able to work at a desk job if he wanted he is just lazy
 
June 11, 2007, 6:55 pm CDT

06/11 Mega Moochers

Quote From: godiva35

My brother in law (26) is also a big moocher.  He mooches not only off of my husband an I but his  other sibling's.  My mother in law is ill with emphasyma and can no longer work (not that she really ever did anyway)  My husband and his sibling's have supported her for 15+ year's.  She also collect's Social Security and a check from welfare along w/ food stamps.   My BIL resides with my MIL.  He will not work and sleeps most of his life away when he is not sleeping he is drugged up on my MIL sleeping pill's and beer.  Yes, he is also an addict!  MIL gives BIL every dime of her check for drug's and alcohol leaving her penniless for the month and unable to buy her medicine let alone any other neccesities (beer) they may need for the month.  So, needless to say MIL feel's that we should pay for her meds.  and all of their neccesities(beer).  We already pay the house payment all of the bill's and maintain yard ect.  My husband has started to drag my BIL to work with him so we can get something out of him.  Husband is fortunate enough to have his own biz. so that is not an issue.  If my husband didnt literally drag my BIL to work he wouldnt function at all.  My husband says he has to completly retrain him on every job because he is so whacked out on narcotics he cant seem to remember how to do his job efficiently.    He is more of a burden to say the least and does not deserve a job with my husband.  I believe that my BIL should go get a 9-5 like a normal person and not just expect a job and a paycheck (which no doubt goes on more pills ect.) .  I tell my husband he is not helping him but hindering him as does his mother whom refuses to boot the bil out of the house.  She says if he goes, so does she.  She has no where to go and not a dime to her name.  Not to mention , she is also sick and on oxygen.  I say (screaming) emotional blackmail, verbal manipulation? something is def. wrong with that picture.  She know's we will not put her out on the street because of her med. issues.  Don't think I dont want to though!  She has recently informed us our children- her grandchildren are not welcome there.  They help us maintain the yard, garden,  and take care of our animal's (we own exotic bird's).  If they didnt it would never get done although BIL is quite capable of cutting the grass or pulling weed's or just simply picking up his beer can's.  Did I mention we own this house and the 8 acres it sits on and we also pay all of the bill's.  I go to the house daily to take care of my bird's and my BIL comes around the corner and asked what I was doing to his bird's!!!!! on many occasion he has asked my children what they are doing on his property....  Talk about a sense of self- entitlement!  I just want him to leave- move out, go to the ymca or something he is 26 year's old and he is totally useless.  My children and I despise both their grandma and their uncle.  They are good kid's and dont deserve to be treated the way they have treated them.  It really makes me sick and is really becoming a burden in my marriage.  My husband's sibling's have finally stopped supporting my MIL because they were sickened by  the drug abuse, alcoholism, and  self serving issues.  The electric or water could be shut off and the bil would sleep while everyone is counting their pennies, and putting in extra hours to get her utilities turned back on.  It's not right!!!! I could go on and on with more example's but Im afraid I may bore you all to death...any suggestions for a peaceful resolution would be wonderful!!!! Thanks, God Bless, GoDiVa35

Can't realtives be a wonderful addition ?  Actually, yes they can but some are much easier to like than others.

Have you considered an eviction notice on your BIL ? Unfortunatly its her choice to support him, and you get stuck paying for the Meds that she needs, but she dosen't NEED beer, that's not a necessity, do either one of them smoke ? That in itself can be a fire hazard with her being on oxygen.

Is she capable of making decisions for herself ? Talk to her Doctor, see if maybe she needs someone to take over her finances for her.

Just throwing things out, I went through the same thing with my FIL, take my word for it though, sigh, as much as youmight want a peaceful resolution, chances are it won't happen she'll rant, rave and play the health card, and the "Why do you hate my baby boy ", and she will try to manipulate, and blackmail you into seeing things her way.

What happens to her son when she passes ?  Will your husband and you be willing to let him stay in the house, and bleed you dry ? 

I would suggest getting him out first, then work on the MIL.

I feel your pain.

 
June 11, 2007, 7:22 pm CDT

06/11 Mega Moochers

Quote From: gerried

Our daughter is 25 & supports a 34 year old man. She works 2 jobs & is barely scraping by.

We are outraged!

We have watched her with this guy now for 5 years. We thought if we didn't interfere, she was a smart young wooman & would get rid of him, but the situation just gets worse every year.

They lived with us for 18 months when we owned a resort. He was supposed to do lawn & yard work, but usually only mowed the main yard - about 8 hours of work a week. The rest of the time he was on the couch watching satellite TV. She worked a full-time job & helped with the business. Most of the rest of us were working at least 60+ hours a week & could have used his help.

Last year he would do lawn work for neighbours, just enough usually to get a case of beer!

This year, he doesn't even do that. He even remarked to my daughter 1 day that she was lucky because she got to go out & go to work!

He always has some ache or pain, a headache, a backache, and just can't do anything. They don't go to visit friends anymore because even his friends give him a hard time about her working so hard, while he is a lump on the couch.

This man is also very controlling of our daughter, and tells he that she is fat & ugly & stupid & no other man would want her! This really outrages me, and I have wanted my husband to have some words with this man, as our daughter is very beautiful & very intelligent. She was always a leader & a self-starter & it is very hard to believe that she allows him to control her life.

I asked her why she puts up with all this & she just can't answer. I believe she doesn't know how to get out of this situation.

I hate to see her waste some of the best years of her life with this man.

 He is being controlling and abusive to your daughter.  Everyday she stays in that relationship she is being damaged and will find it harder to get away. 

She needs to get away.  My prayers for her to wake up and get away.  If he gives her a hard time...get a restraining order, then call the police if he breaks it.
 
June 11, 2007, 8:30 pm CDT

terrible

Quote From: shoyt_2001

 He is being controlling and abusive to your daughter.  Everyday she stays in that relationship she is being damaged and will find it harder to get away. 

She needs to get away.  My prayers for her to wake up and get away.  If he gives her a hard time...get a restraining order, then call the police if he breaks it.
Hi guys i was just reading your message, its a terrible situation i know the kinda man you are talking about, reminds me of my brother, he used to be very controlling and his girlfriend was a lovely girl, after years of the abuse she became control and did what even she was told by him.

After time i had to say something witch brought conflict between us even she didnt like what i had to say thats how controlled she was, but i eventually got tho to him and since they have had a baby boy and and are much happier. My brother is alot younger then ur daughters man so i can imagine the the frustration you are going tho. He sounds like an insecure low self esteemed lazy individual and wants to bring your daughter down with him.

I hope you get tho to her and wish the the best in doing so, Regards Aaron
 
June 11, 2007, 8:48 pm CDT

Freeloading 50-yr. old sister-in-law

My husband's 50-yr. old sister who went through a divorce (husband left her for another woman) has been living with parents for over 5 years now.  She has not had a job during this whole time, and has been successful in going through all of her parents' savings.  It's like having an elephant in the living room -  my in-laws will say something to her about getting a job, and she gets upset and angry that they would dare to not feel sorry for her and not take care of her  -  and they cave.  You may say that this is not our problem - that it is the parents' problem.  Sometimes we think that too; however, my husband and his brother are concerned over what will happen when their parents are gone (they are 76 years old).  She will not inherit enough to live on for the rest of her life, and we refuse to let her mooch off of us.  My husband has talked to his parents about this.  We have come to the conclusion that their father cannot stand conflict, even if it is necessary to find an answer to a problem (he would rather keep stepping around the elephant and pretending it's not there).  Their mother likes to complain about the situation and blame it on their dad, but we really believe that she has gotten used to having her daughter at home and kind of enjoys having the company and someone to wait on. 

Our dilemma:  Do we stay out of it?  If so, what are we to do when she is 65 years old and has nowhere to live, no income, and wants to live with us?  Doesn't this make it our problem too?

By the way, she has more education than any of the rest of us - but very low self esteem.

 
June 11, 2007, 9:46 pm CDT

I can relate

 It was like watching my life when I saw this show. I have a 21 year old that I had to evict because he would not leave on his own. I bought him a car, and helped him get into college twice, but he took the financial aid and dropped out. He thought it was more important to hang out and party with his friends. I have three younger children that don't want him around and we are actually in the process of moving and I am not giving him my address. He believes that because I was an addict years ago that I now owe him. That guilt trip did work for a while, but it has been six years now scince I have been clean and it is time he figured out the world does not owe him. It is really difficult because I love my son and I know he could do so much better but he is going to have to hit a bottom for him to realize it.
 
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