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Topic : 06/11 Mega Moochers

Number of Replies: 270
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Created on : Friday, January 05, 2007, 10:50:16 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 1/10/07) Dr. Phil takes on a different kind of moocher … the Mega Moocher! Not only do these extreme freeloaders refuse to work -- decades at a time -- but they expect you to support them and their entire family forever! Connie says her 33-year-old son, Richard, is so lazy and selfish that he actually found a way to put her out of her own home, so he could move his family of five in. Connie and her husband, Rick, say they have paid over $30,000 in the last 18 months to support Richard, and they have had enough. Is an eviction the only way to get him out? And can Connie live with the guilt, knowing it could leave her three grandchildren homeless as well? Then, Janelle wants her brother, Jeff, to stop mooching off their 91-year-old grandfather, who has been supporting him for 18 years. Jeff says he has no need to work because he doesn’t have kids. Will this be the day these guests put an end to their family members’ freeloading ways? Tell us what you think!

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January 17, 2007, 4:13 pm CST

moochers

Quote From: preraph

Maybe you should write Dr. Phil about it.  You never know.   Sometimes rehab doesn't work the first or even fifth time around.  If he wants to quit and you can figure out how, you might just continue to try to get him rehab'd.  Maybe eventually it will take.  If you could just get him straightened up enough that he wanted to go to AA, that might help.  But you can't help someone who doesn't want to change.  Continuing to make it easy for them to do, as you know, does no one any good.  But it is a disease.  I'm sure if he's done jail, he's also done rehab, but all rehabs are not equal.  Maybe one day there will be a special person at one who can get through to him. 

I guess I don't write to Dr. Phil because I think other people are in worse shape than we are.  My son had to move out, and he seems to be doing just fine.  I'm the one that has a hard time with all of this I guess.  He's been to rehab once, when he was 18 and he didn't want to be there.  He's had to have driving classes, and was to go to counseling but was arrested and spent the rest of his sentence in jail, so no counseling.  He doesn't think he has a problem, so rehab is pointless.  My husband is in AA, and we both know that unless someone wants to change, they won't.  I am always optomistic that he will meet someone who he cares enough about to want to make changes in his life.  I pray for that anyway.  It's hard not to blame yourself for the way your children turn out, but I know that they reach a point where they can choose between right and wrong and there isn't much we can do about it.  Thanks for sharing.
 
January 18, 2007, 7:01 am CST

another way of looking at it

I watched this show on mega-moochers last night, and I think it's possible that the guy who is 38 and lives off his grandpa has asperger's syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism.  I think this because I have a son with this disorder, and he sounded a lot like him.  I think the family could benefit from learning about asperger's, because the sister at least is totally frustrated with him and wants him to see things the way she sees (and most of us see) them.  If he does have asperger's, he really doesn't--and can't--see things the same way, and he will only do what makes sense to him in his head.  Getting a job and living the way most of us do really makes no sense to him.  He thinks living off grandpa or another family member and trying to sell a car engine at the side of the road is a viable option.  He isn't just being lazy.  And he really does care about his interests more than he cares about relationships.  If he has asperger's, he is almost clueless about his relationships and how his actions affect them and what to do about them.  I hope someone from the Dr. Phil show will contact the family and present this as an option for them to at least educate themselves about so that they will know how to relate to Jeff better and save themselves a great deal of frustration.  Dr. Phil was absolutely right that he wants to and should continue his lifestyle, except to stop taking advantage of and draining his family.  The emotional drain can stop when they understand him better.  Another aspect of asperger's is that those afflicted really do tend to see people's value as being what they can provide for them, so they do tend to expect to be taken care of and do drain people's resources and energy.  I'm not saying that their family members should let them, but understanding the disorder can save them a lot of aggravation and help them understand how to relate to him.  It is still okay to say, "No, this is all I can do," or "This is as far as I can go to help you."  But he really will be happier living life in the way that makes sense to him.  Asperger's victims are not conformists.  My son is not yet 19 and lives with his dad and goes to college, so he is still doing pretty much what is age-appropriate, thank goodness, but he has tended to live and think like this guy--staying up until 5:00 a.m. and sleeping all day, not attending school and not seeing what the big deal is to everyone else, not intending to get a job but just get by trying to get paid here and there for doing what interests him, etc.  Asperger's people do care somewhat about relationships but have a hard time negotiating social settings.  They are very bright and seem perfectly capable but really aren't when it comes to some things.  I'm not trying to diagnose the guy, but the possibility that that is what is going on does shed a new light on this situation, and his family should look into it.  It's worth thinking about.  Please pass this on to that family, and maybe there are other cases where the mega-moochers really just have no clue about how to survive on their own, even though they seem capable.
 
January 19, 2007, 12:32 pm CST

Need support

Quote From: wendydarlingtx

I never like to take the Dr. Laura approach. Never ever. But if that harsh reply helped you to realize some things, then I guess all the better.

But just realize that you can't  be guilt-ridden allyour life. I know you love your son immensely and would do anything for him, but you can't ruin yourself over what HE did to HIMSELF.

Take care of yourself, and best wishes for your son's recovery to health and sobriety--and YOUR own happiness. :)

I don't know if any of you are still checking this message board. I hope so. It's been very helpful. Even though my husband and I go to a support group that's only once a week and this message board gives me the opportunity to get support in between. My son still hasn't made any contact with us. I don't know if he got a job or not. I'm sure he doesn't have any more food at this point. Maybe he's mooching some from his neighbour or he's going to some shelter. Feb rent will be due soon. He's smart but will he be smart enough to realize that he must get a job at this point. We're not going to be able to save him again. But I'm going through the worst agony of my life. No physical pain can compare to this emotional pain. I"m still crying all day long. I do blame myself for how he's turned out  - I've thought about so many times during his growing up where there were times that he could face situations that would have helped him grow and I stepped in to save him. But I did what I thought was best with the best of intentions. I thought that when he matured things would be different but didn't realize that I was keeping him from the experiences that would have allowed him to mature. We gave him every opportunity to get an education and even after the rehab we gave him opportunity to face his responsibilities.  I know the ball has to be in his court but how will I get through this? How long could it take before my son realizes he has to get a job. And what do we do if he doesn't. Do I still stay away even if he ends up living on the street homeless? I don't think I could handle it. Has anyone gone through any similar situation that ended well? I need that for hope.

Thanks.

 
January 19, 2007, 2:03 pm CST

01/10 Mega Moochers

Quote From: minmom

I don't know if any of you are still checking this message board. I hope so. It's been very helpful. Even though my husband and I go to a support group that's only once a week and this message board gives me the opportunity to get support in between. My son still hasn't made any contact with us. I don't know if he got a job or not. I'm sure he doesn't have any more food at this point. Maybe he's mooching some from his neighbour or he's going to some shelter. Feb rent will be due soon. He's smart but will he be smart enough to realize that he must get a job at this point. We're not going to be able to save him again. But I'm going through the worst agony of my life. No physical pain can compare to this emotional pain. I"m still crying all day long. I do blame myself for how he's turned out  - I've thought about so many times during his growing up where there were times that he could face situations that would have helped him grow and I stepped in to save him. But I did what I thought was best with the best of intentions. I thought that when he matured things would be different but didn't realize that I was keeping him from the experiences that would have allowed him to mature. We gave him every opportunity to get an education and even after the rehab we gave him opportunity to face his responsibilities.  I know the ball has to be in his court but how will I get through this? How long could it take before my son realizes he has to get a job. And what do we do if he doesn't. Do I still stay away even if he ends up living on the street homeless? I don't think I could handle it. Has anyone gone through any similar situation that ended well? I need that for hope.

Thanks.

I don't know what it's like your area....as far as services for the homeless, but  I've been homeless and I now work w/ the homeless and from what i've seen (in my area) there are resources to help him get and keep a job.

Our situation was different as we had jobs and kept them thru our experience of being homeless (our landlord sold our building) but I've seen others who really needed the "wake up call" to get it together. I'm sure (even tho' it may get rough for him) he CAN make it and the pride and rise in self-esteem that'll come from that will be priceless

 

 Blessings, Faery

 
January 20, 2007, 11:22 am CST

In the same boat

Quote From: wildcat84

Your last sentence says it all.  Re-read it.  No one can help him because he doesn't want to help himself.  Until he is ready to admit he needs professional help, he cannot be helped or changed.
You may have read my messages. We're in almost the same boat but it's my son who doesn't want to work. He was in rehab and was getting so much better to the point that he did get a job while in rehab. Unfortunately he took on something that needed more experience than he had and got fired. Then relapsed and then got kicked out of the rehab. We're being told it's because he's lazy and doesn't want to work. He's in an apt. now for paid up till end of Jan. I know exactly how you're feeling. Your brother needs rehab. Maybe he would be more lucky than my son and it would do the trick. Good luck to you.
 
January 22, 2007, 12:23 pm CST

01/10 Mega Moochers

Quote From: anotherview

I watched this show on mega-moochers last night, and I think it's possible that the guy who is 38 and lives off his grandpa has asperger's syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism.  I think this because I have a son with this disorder, and he sounded a lot like him.  I think the family could benefit from learning about asperger's, because the sister at least is totally frustrated with him and wants him to see things the way she sees (and most of us see) them.  If he does have asperger's, he really doesn't--and can't--see things the same way, and he will only do what makes sense to him in his head.  Getting a job and living the way most of us do really makes no sense to him.  He thinks living off grandpa or another family member and trying to sell a car engine at the side of the road is a viable option.  He isn't just being lazy.  And he really does care about his interests more than he cares about relationships.  If he has asperger's, he is almost clueless about his relationships and how his actions affect them and what to do about them.  I hope someone from the Dr. Phil show will contact the family and present this as an option for them to at least educate themselves about so that they will know how to relate to Jeff better and save themselves a great deal of frustration.  Dr. Phil was absolutely right that he wants to and should continue his lifestyle, except to stop taking advantage of and draining his family.  The emotional drain can stop when they understand him better.  Another aspect of asperger's is that those afflicted really do tend to see people's value as being what they can provide for them, so they do tend to expect to be taken care of and do drain people's resources and energy.  I'm not saying that their family members should let them, but understanding the disorder can save them a lot of aggravation and help them understand how to relate to him.  It is still okay to say, "No, this is all I can do," or "This is as far as I can go to help you."  But he really will be happier living life in the way that makes sense to him.  Asperger's victims are not conformists.  My son is not yet 19 and lives with his dad and goes to college, so he is still doing pretty much what is age-appropriate, thank goodness, but he has tended to live and think like this guy--staying up until 5:00 a.m. and sleeping all day, not attending school and not seeing what the big deal is to everyone else, not intending to get a job but just get by trying to get paid here and there for doing what interests him, etc.  Asperger's people do care somewhat about relationships but have a hard time negotiating social settings.  They are very bright and seem perfectly capable but really aren't when it comes to some things.  I'm not trying to diagnose the guy, but the possibility that that is what is going on does shed a new light on this situation, and his family should look into it.  It's worth thinking about.  Please pass this on to that family, and maybe there are other cases where the mega-moochers really just have no clue about how to survive on their own, even though they seem capable.
I thought the same thing when I saw that segment .
 
January 23, 2007, 12:54 pm CST

A new syndrome??

Quote From: anotherview

I watched this show on mega-moochers last night, and I think it's possible that the guy who is 38 and lives off his grandpa has asperger's syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism.  I think this because I have a son with this disorder, and he sounded a lot like him.  I think the family could benefit from learning about asperger's, because the sister at least is totally frustrated with him and wants him to see things the way she sees (and most of us see) them.  If he does have asperger's, he really doesn't--and can't--see things the same way, and he will only do what makes sense to him in his head.  Getting a job and living the way most of us do really makes no sense to him.  He thinks living off grandpa or another family member and trying to sell a car engine at the side of the road is a viable option.  He isn't just being lazy.  And he really does care about his interests more than he cares about relationships.  If he has asperger's, he is almost clueless about his relationships and how his actions affect them and what to do about them.  I hope someone from the Dr. Phil show will contact the family and present this as an option for them to at least educate themselves about so that they will know how to relate to Jeff better and save themselves a great deal of frustration.  Dr. Phil was absolutely right that he wants to and should continue his lifestyle, except to stop taking advantage of and draining his family.  The emotional drain can stop when they understand him better.  Another aspect of asperger's is that those afflicted really do tend to see people's value as being what they can provide for them, so they do tend to expect to be taken care of and do drain people's resources and energy.  I'm not saying that their family members should let them, but understanding the disorder can save them a lot of aggravation and help them understand how to relate to him.  It is still okay to say, "No, this is all I can do," or "This is as far as I can go to help you."  But he really will be happier living life in the way that makes sense to him.  Asperger's victims are not conformists.  My son is not yet 19 and lives with his dad and goes to college, so he is still doing pretty much what is age-appropriate, thank goodness, but he has tended to live and think like this guy--staying up until 5:00 a.m. and sleeping all day, not attending school and not seeing what the big deal is to everyone else, not intending to get a job but just get by trying to get paid here and there for doing what interests him, etc.  Asperger's people do care somewhat about relationships but have a hard time negotiating social settings.  They are very bright and seem perfectly capable but really aren't when it comes to some things.  I'm not trying to diagnose the guy, but the possibility that that is what is going on does shed a new light on this situation, and his family should look into it.  It's worth thinking about.  Please pass this on to that family, and maybe there are other cases where the mega-moochers really just have no clue about how to survive on their own, even though they seem capable.

Asperger's syndrome?  If he got off his "asper" he'd have a new syndrome called Iwannawork. 

 

Dr. Phil's theory; "can't change whatcha don't acknowledge" prevails.  Dr. Phil, sorry but I use that quote every chance I get.

 
January 26, 2007, 10:01 pm CST

01/10 Mega Moochers

Wow, this is all very intriguing. I'm another family member who has a LIFELONG moocher for a sister. She has not worked in decades, and always finds some excuse why. It's her "disability". Yeah, whatever. I know people with no hands and no feet, who go to work every day. She's content to live off other people and the govt, and lay blame on the rest of the world for all her problems. Unfortunately, she has kids who will turn out just like her if they don't see the light. Sad!

 

 

 
January 28, 2007, 8:11 am CST

01/10 Mega Moochers

Quote From: justnancy

My ex was something of a moocher, too, and I couldn't agree with you more! That mom needs to CHANGE HER LOCKS!  There was something distinctly antisocial about the way that son of hers could recklessly infringe on his family that way, using his own children as hostages.  Like he was saying, "If you don't do what I want, you'll never see your grandchildren again."

 

If he keeps refusing to work, he might wind up homeless and losing custody of his children anyway, as he would be unable to provide for them.  Maybe then the kids would be returned to the grandmother?

 

Nancy

 

Oh gosh, I jut kept saying, "Change the locks, lady!" when that son of hers sat so smugly there.  I still can't believe he dared to call the police and say that SHE was trespassing when it was HER house. 

 

You madea  good point though.  If he can't get his act together and the family is homeless (mainly because he sounded VERY unwilling to work) then mom may get those kids after all and his emotional blackmail ("you'll never see your grandkids again!") wouldn't have worked.

 
March 18, 2007, 2:06 pm CDT

Moochers

I am no longer with my husband of 25 yrs due to this reason.  He has health issues which are issues but he uses them as excuses to allow other people to take care of his needs. He is selfish, and ever since I finally moved him out of the house into his own apt. he has not been able to stick to one job for any length of time and every time he gets himself into a jam financially he goes running to his parents. They are paying all of his bills, buying him groceries, doing his laundry, and he does not really appreciate it at all.  He doesn't show his parents the respect they deserve, which really gets on my nerves.  I don't ask them for anything, even if they would help.  I'm just glad he is no longer my responsibility. 

 

No one can allow themselves to be drawn in and used like he does anyone he comes in contact with.

 
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