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Topic : 01/11 In Search Of …

Number of Replies: 189
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Created on : Friday, January 05, 2007, 10:51:22 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Our parents are among the most pivotal people in our life. They literally shape our minds and our personalities, teach us morals, values, and right from wrong. So when a parent disappears from a child’s world, the loss can result in a life-long quest. Dr. Phil meets two women whose child/parent bond was broken under two separate sets of devastating circumstances. Erica is in search of the man who murdered her mother when Erica was just a toddler. Erica says he tortured her mother, then shot her on the front lawn where she finally died. The man who committed this horrifying crime is Erica's own father! Then, Cressi has a daughter whom she hasn’t seen in nearly 20 years. She says her ex-husband snatched the girl from her home when she was just 8 months old. Did Cressi do everything she could to find her missing child, or does her daughter, Darby, have a right to feel abandoned? You will be amazed at what Dr. Phil finds as he goes in search of these missing loved ones. Talk about the show here.

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January 10, 2007, 7:42 pm CST

In Search Of...

I just want to say that I attended the taping for the show when Erica first met her father. Tomorrow's show is the first show with Erica on it and soon should be the show I attended. I have not seen anything like this before. Everyone who posts on here so far, please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was more I could do to help people who suffer from such horrible events heal. Watching Erica that day, the fear in her eyes, her broken spirit, her anger and discomfort. I admire people who have the strength to stand up for what they want. She wants a relationship with her father, regardless of his past, and I admire her courage for pursuing that. Just wanted everyone to know that....hope things for all of you work out the very best they can! You are all in my prayers!
 
January 10, 2007, 10:20 pm CST

in search of birth parents

I think that Erica needs to find her father so as to find closure and start a new chapter of her life, i believe she needs to know why her father tortured her mother and shot her and if he is sorry for what he did. however, if she doesn't find him i think she should forgive him for what he did to her mother and for abandoning her and and move on with her life, holding on to bitterness, anger and hatred for what he did to her and her mother would only make her a bitter, angry person. I know this from experience, my parents are alive, I live with them and they have abandoned me in the sense of not performing their parental duties towards me and my siblings, they are very abusive, when i first realized this i wondered why, i asked God to help and finally i began to realize that my parents just chose to be the way they are, i realized i had to forgive them or i would turn into a worse version of them with God's help I did, in fact i do it everyday.

 I also think that darby has a right to feel abandoned unless her mother explains why she wasn't involved in her life and if she did everything in her power to find her.

 
January 11, 2007, 4:33 am CST

In Search of ...

Poor Erica, having had both parents cut out of her life at such a young age. She may find closure if she finds her father, but on the other hand  her father may not want to talk about what he has done.  He might have come out a hardened man after being in prison, and may not want to forge with his daughter.  Also he may feel a sense of shame, embarrassment and coldness that may stop him from wanting to speak to Erica his daughter. But i guess if i was in Erica's shoes I would want to know why too. Why all this terrible tragedy happened in the first place.  He may have become a more positive person and would like a chance to clear his conscience with his daughter.  She can't lose on it, I would try and find him.  She would have to be prepared at the fact that he may not want to link up with her, but i believe for her inner peace and closure she should try and find him, after all he is the only link to her parents.  My separation from my Mother wasn't  as tragic as Erica's, my mum was there with my dad , Alcohol addiction separated us from mum.  Yes, mum was sadly an alcoholic and i felt separated from her because ever since I was three years old she became addicted to it.  Mum was only 25 at the time, very pretty lady, she was kind and hospitable, but everyday after a certain time she would change and become another person.  It affected my father, and my sisters for the rest of their lives too, but thats another story.  All I know is that I have spent all my 55 years of me searching for a surrogate mother.  Sometimes I did find someone whom I could turn to for advice as a teenager, and that helped.  But now as i am getting older and have two beautiful grandchildren I want to get to know my mum in spirit, as she passed away at 50 years of age,30 years ago now. I know Mum is always near me now and I know she is sorry for what happened, but she had a tragic story too. So we understand each other, in spirit.        Maria3255 
 
January 11, 2007, 6:30 am CST

Follow your heart

Quote From: rustycleo

Hi: I'm a johnny come late on this tipic, but I saw it and found it interesting that most of the pole thought they would look if they didn't know their birth parents. I can guess most were not in that situation. Me, I speak from expereience. You don't want to know. I was taken away from my parents and given to my maternal grandparents when I was 3. I was left with a lot of baggage. You never will find out "why?" and everyone will look at you as the "one". After years of wondering why I was the "one" I just decided it wasn't worth the energy and I moved on. I knew my parents and my siblings. One sister before me, whom I missed dearly and still do, and the two after me. One brother and one sister. Those siblings will never and have never considered me part of their family no matter how I tried to include them in mine. That was a hard situation growing up but I think that if you are adopted, you will be more let down by the fact that once a person gives a child up, they really truely don't want that person in their lives. I have two kids that I could never just give them away and with that feeling I still can never understand the reasoning because I would die for my kids. There was no divorice, no drugs, drinking - nothing out of the orginary, I was told I was a horrible child and that they didn't want another girl baby. My advise, don't do it, if you do, search from afar for health reasons and don't try to get involved in the family you think you may deserve. Thanks for reading.
I too have experience in this area. My birth mother had me at 14, and I was taken away at 6 days old. I was then shuffled back and forth between her and my foster parents for years, until finally I just didn't see her again. I visited her for a summer vacation in 1983, and didn't see her again until I preached her funeral in 1998, dead of a heroin overdose. All I remember of her is that she was abusive and a drug addict. As far as my father is concerned, I never met him, don't  even know his name. I have a brother in prison and a sister that I have only seen twice;  once at (3) and at the funeral. I have tried to correspond with my mother's family, but I am an obvious stranger to them. I do have a family of my own, thank God. All and all, I think I turned out okay, but I still have that huge void in me. I am a loner, I don't like being around a lot of people (unless I'm in my capacity as a minister) and I don't have relationship with any of my biological family. Sometimes I feel like a bastard. Do I want to find my father? Sure. But I don't even know where to begin. So my advice to anyone in this situation is to search within in themselves to see if this what they need. Am I gonna search for my father? I don't know. Only time will tell.
 
January 11, 2007, 6:33 am CST

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU ERICA

I so empathize with you, dear girl!  I was 43 when I met my biological father.  I spent 4 days with him and he died four months later.  I realize you want to confront your father to get closure but sometimes you add to your pain instead of lessening it.  Having seen and heard what your father had to say, I agree with Dr. Phil that you can make sense out of nonsense.  Maybe just forgiving him would be all the closure you need.  Do it for yourself, not anyone else because YOU MATTER!  It has amazing results, as I have experienced and can tell you first-hand.  A HUGE HUG and GOD BLESS YOU!
 
January 11, 2007, 6:45 am CST

The "answers" are rarely enough.

Quote From: tobibabi

I think that Erica needs to find her father so as to find closure and start a new chapter of her life, i believe she needs to know why her father tortured her mother and shot her and if he is sorry for what he did. however, if she doesn't find him i think she should forgive him for what he did to her mother and for abandoning her and and move on with her life, holding on to bitterness, anger and hatred for what he did to her and her mother would only make her a bitter, angry person. I know this from experience, my parents are alive, I live with them and they have abandoned me in the sense of not performing their parental duties towards me and my siblings, they are very abusive, when i first realized this i wondered why, i asked God to help and finally i began to realize that my parents just chose to be the way they are, i realized i had to forgive them or i would turn into a worse version of them with God's help I did, in fact i do it everyday.

 I also think that darby has a right to feel abandoned unless her mother explains why she wasn't involved in her life and if she did everything in her power to find her.

True, she probably, if not admittedly, feels she needs to know the "why's & how's". But as Dr. Phil suggests it's likely to never be enough, no matter what the parent says. When found & confronted, my father blamed much of his actions on me & my mother. He did as he did & I did as I was going to do were his words. He took no responsibility for his illegal actions, addictions, adulteries, abandonments or abuse.

 

We haven't talked in over a decade. After our last communication I chose to stop trying to find him. Every few years I well hunt him down just to know if he's alive or not but I choose to not talk with him now. I have lived in the same city all this time & he knows my married name. If he wanted to, he could & would find me. Little can stop someone with the real intent to do anything.

 

I will always care for him. I will always wonder but I have accepted the truth; things happened because he chose for them to get to that place. He chose to use, he chose to sell, he chose to abuse, lie & abandon. The "why" is for him to search for because only he knows the answer to that.

 
January 11, 2007, 6:49 am CST

There are a myriad of tests to take care of that need.

Quote From: gwarrior6

The only reason to find parents that abandoned me is to ask questions about family medical problems.  Otherwise, if they didn't care enough about me to raise me, or even seek me out, why should i want a relationship with them?  Yeah, i can forgive someone, but i don't have to buddy up with them either.  I can go off and start my own family, that's within my control to do so. 

I used to believe this as well but so many tests are available now that asking them is more of a convenience that necessity anymore. Many times, family members will get that info wrong anyway.

 
January 11, 2007, 7:27 am CST

A Different Point Of View

I was shocked to not find one person on here that thought finding a birth parent could even possibly be a good thing.  After my parents seperated my father had two more children, when he split with their mother I never saw them again.  Their mom took out restraining orders against my father, had him arrested on more than one occasion - (my father is not violent and charges were always dropped) so staying in contact with Jamie and Jake was not easy for my father and he did finally give up.  I was angry with my father for this rightfully so and Jamie and Jake have every right to be angry with him for that.  However, I searched for my sister and brother for ten years, doing on-line people searches, contacting a private detective, and after all of that - I found Jamie on Myspace.  We just got in contact this week and things are going really well, she was lied to - she was told my father, myself and my older brother hated her and Jake, she was told my father was the drug lord of the east coast... and the life that Jamie and Jake had with their mother was not a good one.  I know my dad would have faught harder for them if he had known the circumstances they were living in, but whenever he asked Kim's family about the kids he was told they were just fine with Kim and refused to tell him WHERE they were. 

Now, again I have done the searching and I was the one to find her - my goal is to have a lasting relationship with my sister whether my she decides to have one with our dad or not.  She is interested in talking to him at some point but we are taking it slow - and I think it will be good for both of them when the time comes.  The diff between my dad and that woman on the show is that he acknowledges that he didn't do all that he could of and should have - and he is just apologetic and guilty about that...

We can't do anything about the past... but what we do with the future is up to us and we plan to take hold of that with both hands and try to let the past go.  I will enjoy watching Jamie say the same things to my father that I have said for years and watching him apologize finally to the person he needs to be sorry to - and then we will move on.

Jake is having more difficulty in life and Jamie has asked us to let her tell him about us and the situation and we are respecting that... I can't wait to meet my brother too especially knowing how sweet and intelligent my sister is.

My point in all of this is - not every reunion has to be about anger and resentment - it can be about getting answers, expressing feelings, and finding forgiveness in yourself for people that have let you down... If Jamie can, after all that her biological mom put her through (and it was bad), anyone can.

Just For A Different Point Of View,
~J~
 
January 11, 2007, 7:29 am CST

Want to see the show...

I too have not seen the show yet...but I was reading some of the messages that were posted and I think that it all depends on the situation.  Granted, it is really hard for me to say very much on this because I have both of my parents but I don't belive that if you are given up for adoption that your biological parents don't care about you.  Yes, I'm sure there are some cases of this but I believe that most of the time it is inthe best interest of the child.  I know right now someone who is going through giving up her child but she is a young girl who wouldn't be able to take care of her son.  She would need the help from others and it would really benefit the baby to go to home where he can be properly cared for. Does that mean that she just doesn' care?  No, not at all.  I just think this is a very touchy subject and my heart goes out to everyone who has to deal with this sort of thing. My prayers are with all of you. 
 
January 11, 2007, 7:36 am CST

no emotion

i didnt see no emotion in that cressie lady !!! when DR PHIL started telling her what her lost daughter had said "my mother is a liar she didnt try to find me " she didn't even flinch !!! i'd of been like YES I DID i would be crying my eyes out to hear some of that she was saying of how she truly feels of her MOTHER !!! wouldn't U ????  she was fake and her daughter is better off without her . COLD hearts are nothing to live with it SUCKS!!!!!

 

ON ANOTHER NOTE MY SISTERS ADOPTED OUT DAUGHTER OF 23 YRS AGO JUST FOUND ME ON MYSPACE TOO !!!!!!!! THANK U GOD U DO LISTEN TO ME IVE PRAYED FOR THAT FOR 23 YRS .........MARDI 28704

 
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