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Topic : 01/11 In Search Of …

Number of Replies: 189
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Created on : Friday, January 05, 2007, 10:51:22 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Our parents are among the most pivotal people in our life. They literally shape our minds and our personalities, teach us morals, values, and right from wrong. So when a parent disappears from a child’s world, the loss can result in a life-long quest. Dr. Phil meets two women whose child/parent bond was broken under two separate sets of devastating circumstances. Erica is in search of the man who murdered her mother when Erica was just a toddler. Erica says he tortured her mother, then shot her on the front lawn where she finally died. The man who committed this horrifying crime is Erica's own father! Then, Cressi has a daughter whom she hasn’t seen in nearly 20 years. She says her ex-husband snatched the girl from her home when she was just 8 months old. Did Cressi do everything she could to find her missing child, or does her daughter, Darby, have a right to feel abandoned? You will be amazed at what Dr. Phil finds as he goes in search of these missing loved ones. Talk about the show here.

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January 11, 2007, 7:38 am CST

Curious about Cressi and Darby

  I am curious as to why the show never mentions the reasons Darby's father abducted her and never went back for their older daughter.  Cressi stated she was pregnant at the time of the abduction and I am curious as to whether the baby belonged to the father of Darby.  I am also curious as to why the father believed he had to abduct the children when Cressi stated they had "joint custody" and the police would "do nothing."  If his reasons for "abduction" were valid, why didn't he just take them for their usual visit and not return them at the specified time?  Why all the game playing by the grandparent and the woman Darby lived with for 2 years?  I just have too many unanswered questions about the show today, though I do agree with Dr. Phil that Cressi has a lot of tough questions to answer.  However, I also believe that there a lot of tough questions for Darby's father to answer as well.

 
January 11, 2007, 8:09 am CST

HOW COULD A MOTHER

I feel for Darby... I am a mother of three almost grown kids and am deviroced from their fathers. If the fathers had ever taken one of them there would of been no stopping me... I would of went to the ends of the earth and taken any legal or illegal action to get my child back.  Both my two ex-husbands are dead beats that have choosen to not be apart of my kids life and I did have a fear that my youngest dad would try taking off with him sense his dad had done it to him but I can say with all honesty that I would of stopped at absolutly nothing to find him and bring my son home..

 

Darby-- I am not saing you should not learn to forgive your mother but don't take any of her excusses either.... She should of done more and needs to face the fact she gave up on you and start finding away to make that right and stop blaming others for her mistakes...

 
January 11, 2007, 9:19 am CST

In search of

Quote From: stewartsgirl

I feel for Darby... I am a mother of three almost grown kids and am deviroced from their fathers. If the fathers had ever taken one of them there would of been no stopping me... I would of went to the ends of the earth and taken any legal or illegal action to get my child back.  Both my two ex-husbands are dead beats that have choosen to not be apart of my kids life and I did have a fear that my youngest dad would try taking off with him sense his dad had done it to him but I can say with all honesty that I would of stopped at absolutly nothing to find him and bring my son home..

 

Darby-- I am not saing you should not learn to forgive your mother but don't take any of her excusses either.... She should of done more and needs to face the fact she gave up on you and start finding away to make that right and stop blaming others for her mistakes...

When I was 30, my ex moved me to his mother and brothers - far away from my family and friends and we had a 1 year old daughter at the time.  19 years later, we got a divorce and my ex took my daughter even though we had joint custody.  I tried to see her at my husband's brother's house but they would not let me see her or talk to her on the phone.  I tried to see her at my mother in law's home but she called the police for trespassing.  When I did hire a PI and got her phone number - she hung up on me.  When she went to college, the college prevented me from emailing her.  When she went for her masters, that university did let me email her and I forwarded money to her.  I did get a favorable response back from her then but nothing since.  My daughter is now 30 years old.  I think of her everyday and miss her very much.  My ex was a very controlling man and I know that he and his family have brain washed my daughter.   
 
January 11, 2007, 10:19 am CST

Parents who steal thier children-Cressie

I am now 50. My father took my brother and I when we were 3 and 2 from our mother's custody. He and she were separated and he went to her apartment one night while she was at work. He said he was taking us for hamburgers to the babysitter and that was that. He didn't stop till he was 4 states away.

As for my mother, well that's another story.My point is, He did it out of spite. They very rarely do it out of love when the splilt is a bad one. He didn't really want us, he was never close to  or affectionate to either of us. It was just to punish the other. He kept us hidden in another state until he got the divorce finalized and took custody. He had the military to help him and our mother had nothing. Also, this was back when if one parent took the kids the police did nothing. My question is, if they had joint custody, why didn't she go to the police and file on him for custodial interference? She could have gotten him arrested and forced him to produce her daughter by court order. It sounds to me as if she really didn't try that hard.

I think Darby needs to meet with her for Darby's sake. I have met my mother and find her no more attached or really a mother than my father really was a father. But, I would have regretted not knowing and making my own decision about her. 

 
January 11, 2007, 12:26 pm CST

Leave the guy alone. Whats the point.

Why is this girl and Dr. Phil even thinking about pursueing this person. If he wanted to see her or want to talk to her, he would of tried too 20+ years ago. Its very clear that he doesn't want anything to do with her. The guy is a mess, drug addict and deserves to spend the rest of his life in jail.

 

She was 2 yrs old when this happened. She remembers nothing, has no memory of anything. She should just go on living her own life and leave the guy alone.

 

Live her own life and let him live his own, what life he has.....

 

Let it go, let him go.. What happened 23 yrs ago should be left there.

 
January 11, 2007, 12:41 pm CST

A NO WIN situation for Mother and Daughter!

Hello.  I happened to watch the show today and was very moved by both stories.  However, i felt the need to comment on the story regarding Darby and her mother.  My position is to advocate for not only Darby but her mother as well.  Why?  Because this mother seems to be taking alot of blame/heat for her daughter's disappearence regarding her search methods or lack thereof.  Personally, i find this argument to be a highly emotional response in a sitution that addresses motherhood and the unrealistic expectations that i feel can be placed on the role at times.

 

I'll begin by stating that my perception on society and how it views motherhood is frustrating to me at times.  On one end, it can be perceived as a very beautiful and fullfilling role but there's the other extreme.  I think we tend to forget that mothers are human beings not mini-gods.  They don't always have the answers and sometimes situations are out of their control when it concerns their children.  They DON'T have the power to prevent or protect their children from everything.   I think Darby's situation is one of these examples.

 

Darby's mother is human.  Is it possible that she could have done more in her search for her daughter?  Yes, it is likely.  However, let's air on the side of logic for a moment and not emotion or the "IDEAL" that a mother is suppose to always know what to do when it comes to her child/children.  I think it's perfectly logical to assume that Darby's mother went through bouts of depression, periods of doubt, and times she put more of her energy into raising her other children and making a living to support herself and her family.  The logical reality is that people need to work to make a living and put energy into spending time with the family in their lives.  They can not realisticlly be expected to drop everything in their lives and go on a non-stop search because of an IDEAL (A Mother should do whatever it takes)!  While this ideal holds value, it has to be done within realistic boundries not hot-headed emotion.  Because sadly, ideals may help to motivate but ideals don't pay the bills, they don't make sure your other children are being cared for in your absence, and they don't guarantee success in any search.  Also, was this single mother capable of paying the price of a Private Investigator?  Did she know how to search and more importantly did she have any assistance?  Because there are authorities/FBI searches that continue on for years that deal with parental abductions and the children remain uncovered for long periods.  And they have access to way more resources to conduct searches!  Therefore, short of a miracle and being in the right place at the right time how was this mother suppose to conduct the "perfect" search that would have led to the recovery of her daughter?

 

(continued in next post)............. 

 

 

 
January 11, 2007, 12:50 pm CST

a way to move on

me and my husband have been separated for 8 months know and don't know what to do .i don't want a divorce yet ,because i am not ready to give up on us yet. he got a drinking and drug problem and thats  why we are not together any more . i want him to get help but how can i make him see that without getting help they are no hope for us. i am in search of answers to our problems because we have a son together and i want him to be a father again. i don't know what to do give him up or give him another chance.if any body got any input please let me know thanks.
 
January 11, 2007, 1:08 pm CST

Erica and her father.

Dr. Phil. Erica is the granddaughter of my cousin and his wife. I've known her, and her Mother, since they were born. I was totally surprised when I saw your show today. I got cold chills and had a flashback to that awful night twenty years ago. I haven't seen Erica or her sister in many years. But I know the devastation that her father's act caused. Some people have written in that she should just leave the guy alone and live her life. I agree that any kind of relationship with this man would only cause her more pain. But if she feels that she has to talk to him to be able to go on with her life, then that's what she has to do. She might decide not to after she's talked with Dr. Phil. But whatever she decides, she needs all the support and love possible. She and her sister are beautiful girls whose lives were turned upside down that day. Their grandparents have been loving, supportive "parents" to their girls. I haven't stopped crying since the show started and I realized who Erica was. ;O(  My heart goes out to her! Take care, Dear.
 
January 11, 2007, 1:16 pm CST

My own story

I am a 44-year-old woman and can relate to Erica in my own way. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. My father also, was violently abusive... I also watched him brutalize my mother and nearly kill her the night we left him. Fortunately, Mom was able to get her and myself out of the situation and to safety, several states away. That was 40 years ago.  She remarried when I was 8 and the man who raised me is "Dad". He deserves that title. But there will always be a part of me who wonders about my father. As far as I know, he never made any attempts to see me... but I don't know. Mom had moved to another state and he had no idea where we had moved.. and that's the way she wanted it. He had threatened to take me if she ever left him, so she lived in fear until I was 18 that he would find us and take me from her. 

 

This does something to a child's psyche.... Mom was trying to protect me.. in doing so, she, her parents, siblings and other family members trained me to "hate" him.  As an adult, I realize this, but as a child, I couldn't understand why my father never wanted to see me, why he abandoned me, why he didn't love me...  I had dreams of some day growing up and finding him and having a relationship with him.  Shortly after I turned 18 he was murdered. He was in a poker game and was shot point blank in the chest 3 times.  By the time word got to me, it was too late for me to go to the funeral... I still regret the fact that I didn't even get to say goodbye to this man. Everything was taken from me... I never had a choice.. I didn't choose to not see him, I didn't choose to not have a relationship with him, I did not choose any of this... someone else made these choices for me... so when I turned 18,  I knew I had my chance to seek him out... and what happens? He's taken away -- and even then, I don't get the choice of going to the funeral... no one let me know soon enough.... they were STILL protecting me.... and yet, expecting me to cry and mourn for this man that I was told to hate and be fearful of. 

 

I now struggle with depression and panic... I wrestled with anger for so many years because of this. I know I am angry and I know exactly why. I am learning to deal with the anger... I am learning to deal with the panic.. the depression? I don't know, I may continue battling that for the rest of my life.

 

BUT, no matter what... for Erica, I understand.. this is the man who helped create you. You feel like you are part of him and he is part of you... and this is true. For me, I feared that I would be like him.. that I could have those tendencies... those rages... what if??? Mostly, I wanted to know for myself...I wanted to know this man who gave me life. I know what kind of man he was. Intellectually, I know this.. but my heart still wanted to know... this little girl wanted to know her Daddy... even if Daddy was a monster-- something inside of us wants to know who this person is.  It's so complex and so difficult to explain... and even at 44-years-old, there's a little girl who wants a daddy to hold her and love her and protect her and tell her he loves her.  This is an illusion, I know. But it doesn't  negate the fact that a full grown woman is still searching for her daddy-- and will never have that relationship. Even the wonderful step-father that I have couldn't replace that void.

 


 

 
January 11, 2007, 1:24 pm CST

01/11 In Search Of …

Quote From: tmoslo

I haven't watch the show yet but my message is to Cressi and Darby. I'm a 46 yr.old female that hasn't seen her Father for 36 yrs. due to a bad Divorse. Just a few months ago I found my Father, had two conversations with him, and relized that I was better off without him. The rejection really hit hard to find out the person that gave you life doesn't want to be part of your life. Darby, protect yourself, take it slow and hold your head high.

 

God bless

Thank you for sharing this... my Mom has told me for years that if I had had the opportunity to know my father, that he would have broken my heart. I didn't believe her for years... but as I age, I realize that she is probably right.... we live thinking that we are the only people in the world who have gone through something like this... so thank you for sharing and letting me know that Mom was probably right. 
 
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