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Topic : 06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Number of Replies: 379
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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:21:42 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 1/16/07) Rules, stipulations, conditions and ultimatums -- not exactly romantic pillow talk, but when it comes to marriage, what qualifies as a deal-breaker? Shane and Nikki got married four months ago. Nikki says that three days into their honeymoon, Shane told her that he wasn't sure he loved her enough to be married. He says he will give the marriage a six- to 12-month trial, and if it doesn't work, he's out. Nikki says there is no way she will stay in a trial marriage. Why did Shane marry Nikki in the first place? And, should Nikki wait for him to make a decision, or should she cut her losses and get out now? Then, Daniel and Debra are engaged and planning to get married in October, but Daniel says he's ready to call off the wedding if Debra doesn't stop asking him, "Do I look fat?" A recovering bulimic now weighing 100 pounds, Debra says she wants Daniel to support her recovery, and he is wrong to postpone the wedding. When Dr. Phil shows them a video of a previous anorexic guest, will Daniel and Debra change their outlook? Is there hope for this couple to make it down the aisle? Tell us!

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January 14, 2007, 5:45 am CST

Give and take

The problem with a lot of people getting married today is that they know it is easy to get out and don't have to work at a commitment.  Granted there were divroces in the 60's and 70's but it seems to have sky rocketed.  The children of these generations don't really have any role models for a solid relationship and that is a shame. Therefore we really are unable to teach our kids to stick with it, work at it and try and make it work.  There is no happily ever after when the "I do's" are said.  Both people in the relationship have to keep working at it to make it right, not bail when it is convienent.  That is not a marriage.  There has to be A LOT of give and take from both people.   Marriage is not a trial run for your selfish reasons.  If a person decides to get married, it's 40-60 years.  Not until your tired of playing house.
 
January 14, 2007, 5:51 am CST

I agree....

Quote From: norrislp

Shane sounds like a jerk from Hell!  Nikki doesn't need to wait 6 to 12 months for him to make up his mind, she needs to go ahead and put his ass out on the street now.  Nikki, you need to get this self-centered idiot out of your life!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE GIRL!  Don't wait until he has ruined your self-esteem and you end up on antidepressants and a Psychologist's couch.  Mental abuse, which I have been through, is one of the worst things that a man can do to a woman.

NCHorseLady

 

 

Unfortunately the majority of us have had an abusive idiot in our lives maybe even 2 or 3 (some take longer than others to realize) But its sounds to me like this is not gonna get any better, Shane does not have his head on straight , which in turn will screw your head loose as well, he wants a trial marrage eh, what if you said you want a trial separation !!! And maybe if your available when he decides to finally make up his mind you can think about it. I can tell you from experience ...he is afraid of commitment and always will be. MEN DONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE IF THEY DO IT DOESNT LAST !!! You are far better off being with someone who loves you like you love them and WANT THE SAME THINGS. Or you will be in for a very unhappy ride. Trust me i did it and was unhappy for years until i said ENOUGH. Remember if you do kick him to the curb, time heals all and there are plenty of idiots to choose from. Who the heck says you need to be married... I have been asked 3 times ( 3 long term boyfriends) and have said no to all because they only asked me in fear of losing me. And boy im i glad i did !!!! Take you time dont let anybody pressure you its YOUR LIFE !!
 
January 14, 2007, 6:31 am CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: janiesmith

I'm not sure anything about love is simple!

 

Love is extremely simple. If it isn't it's not love.
 
January 14, 2007, 6:36 am CST

I can't get my brain wrapped around this one.

It is so hard for me to imagine being married for 3 days and having my husband tell me that he's not sure he loves me enough to stay married! I have been married almost 33 years and my husband has never said that to me. I have to believe that something was not quite right before the "I do's" were said. I think that the other couple ought to hold off on the wedding until the groom-to-be realizes that an eating disorder doesn't just go away suddenly. If she is trying to get better, he needs to be as supportive as possible. It's not like he is not aware of this problem.
 
January 14, 2007, 7:07 am CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

The first couple: Why would he go through the whole wedding, planning and expense THEN decide he wasn't in love? After talking to Dr Phil, if he still thinks this is a trial, she should give him the boot! My husband and I have been married 18 years, and there have been many times when one of us could have said "I don't like you right now", but we have NEVER questioned our marriage. You have to go into marriage with the idea that this is FOREVER. There is no out - then you are guaranteed a successful marriage.

 

The second couple, He will have to realize the seriousness of her questions. The question will always be asked, all women ask if they look fat. But with her condition, it is serious. He will have to look directly at her and say "Wow, that looks great!" But never lie! If it doesn't look good, the color is wrong, the style is wrong, speak up! By speaking up, all the "looks great" answer are more believable.

 
January 14, 2007, 7:15 am CST

Trial message

OK, everybody knows Shane is a jerk.  What about her parents?  All that time and money for a trial marriage... No way...cut your losses now.  It will be hard, but if you don't, you will be facing a lifetime of doubt.
 
January 14, 2007, 9:06 am CST

Bulemia

A lot of bulemics will get worse when someone pressures them.  It's what they use to control things, so the best thing Daniel can do is support his fiancee (who sounds like she's not thru the tunnel yet).  It's an ongoing process.  Tell her she's beautiful and increase her self esteem.  Offer to help with some of the wedding plans...it might ease her stress levels by saying "i love you so much that i support you and want to do everything possible to make this easy on you".

 

Real love is self-sacrificial.  You can't fit your spouse into boxed perfection.  If you love them, you don't want anything in return.  His love is requited, and he should be thankful for that.

 
January 14, 2007, 9:51 am CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: bear_ta

Love is extremely simple. If it isn't it's not love.

OK - I'll put it this way.  Love is simple for some not always simple for others!!!!

 
January 14, 2007, 11:46 am CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

i wished i knew what my husband was like before i married him. i have 4 wonderful kids who light up my life then i have a husband who lves by the rule of he smokes pot and i have to deal with it,broke and struggling each week. men let us see what they wont and then when they get us thats it...
 
January 14, 2007, 1:20 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Okay, after reading that blurb twice ( and really still not beliving what I was reading, hard one to wrap the mind around for sure), he's gone through the expense and hassle to marry her, but he's not sure he loves her enough to stay married, so he will "HONOUR" her by giving her a six to twelve month period, and then HE will decide what happens in her life, I'm not sure if its more arrogance on his part, or (I can't really think of a nice word for it ) what it is on her part, but why should he have the control ?

Okay, you "LOVE" him ? Guess what, he's not really in love with you and one thing I've learned in this life, love does NOT conquer all, no matter how much we want it too.  Stop letting him dictate what happens in your life, give him his half the wedding bills ( assuming of course he helped pay for it), and send him on his merry way, is it too late for an annullment ?  If not get one, send back the gifts, and cut your losses, or if you choose to give him the year, and you would like to live a life of uncertanty not knowing when you'll make him storm out, well go for it I suppose, its her choice ultimately, though I would hate to see anyone waste time on a loser like that.

 
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