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Topic : 06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:21:42 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 1/16/07) Rules, stipulations, conditions and ultimatums -- not exactly romantic pillow talk, but when it comes to marriage, what qualifies as a deal-breaker? Shane and Nikki got married four months ago. Nikki says that three days into their honeymoon, Shane told her that he wasn't sure he loved her enough to be married. He says he will give the marriage a six- to 12-month trial, and if it doesn't work, he's out. Nikki says there is no way she will stay in a trial marriage. Why did Shane marry Nikki in the first place? And, should Nikki wait for him to make a decision, or should she cut her losses and get out now? Then, Daniel and Debra are engaged and planning to get married in October, but Daniel says he's ready to call off the wedding if Debra doesn't stop asking him, "Do I look fat?" A recovering bulimic now weighing 100 pounds, Debra says she wants Daniel to support her recovery, and he is wrong to postpone the wedding. When Dr. Phil shows them a video of a previous anorexic guest, will Daniel and Debra change their outlook? Is there hope for this couple to make it down the aisle? Tell us!

Find out what happened on the show.

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June 14, 2007, 4:52 am CDT

06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: housewife52

Because of the way my parent's marriage was, when I was a teen-ager I felt that a marriage license should be like a fishing license, good for a year. Then if you want to fish again, get another one. I was just nineteen when I met my husband. We fell in love and got married. We've been very fortunate-married 33 years. I didn't feel any pressure to get married-I just simply wanted to get married. I had never spent any time thinking about a big wedding, and all that goes with that. So when my husband ask me if we could get married on an island on the lake, I said fine. We wore blue jeans. I wouldn't do it any differently. But, let me say that at my age now, (52) I don't think I would feel the same way about someone. Let me try to explain-I would probably not be able to look at someone the way a 19 year old looks at someone. I just don't think I'd be all starry eyed and longing to change my name. This has nothing to do with my husband or being married to him. I'm saying that if something happened and I was single I don't believe I'd look at it the way I did back then.And I agree with you don't take the step and commit to a marriage if you really don't want to do it. Congratulations on your long togetherness and your love and your children.

Thank you.

I think that's wonderful, my sister's husband and the groomsmen all wore Bermuda shirts, shorts and sandals, and they had a barbeque, it was one of the best weddings I'd ever been to.

I know what you mean about being starry eyed, at 19 I think we still think of the candlelight and roses, and even by my age 38, reality has reared its ugly head (not alway ugly, but the bills do come in, the house needs cleaning, diapers have to be changed, and we aren't always going to agree ).

Myself, I think if anything happened (and hopefully that won't be for a LOOOONG time to come ), I would probably stay single, why ? Because I would have to find what I have now, if I did, great if I didn't that would be fine too, I think what I'm trying to say is that we've been there done that and we know what a good relationship is (can't argue with 33 years).

 
June 14, 2007, 6:25 am CDT

But ,don't you see, that's what we're here for?

Quote From: lifestwists

 It's been quite interesting reading all of these posts.  Even more interesting to think so many of you have judged these people, on less than 20 minutes of information, and some of that was taken out of context.  As a mental health professional, I have to ask many questions, give several tests and observe my patients for much more than 20 minutes, to get to the root of their problems, or to provisionally diagnose them, yet many of you have not only diagnosed them, but judged and exicuted them!  I can guarantee you that Shane is very in tune with his own sexuality (hetero), and the physical relationship they have is not even part of this issue, that commitment issues are not the basis of the difficulties in their relationship, and most importantly he is NOT abusing Nikki in any way. (BTW why IS it that it's always the man's fault, and why does it have to be anyone's fault?)  Could it be that they are both so devoted to their morals, values and beliefs that they have made commitments to each other to do the very best they can?  Both of their families prayers and support are behind them, hoping that they can "overcome", and continue to grow as their own family, and become the people "God created" them to be (thanks Robin, those were just the words I needed).
We are here to give our opinions,based on whatever we base our opinions. That doesn't mean we're always right. I, for one, am not the least bit qualified to diagnose anything. I DO have a fake make believe degree,PhD(Phantom Degree that I have obtained from cyberspace from being on these boards. It exists only in my mind. We are here to discuss the shows, give our opinions, vent, ask for help, etc... What we say is for these boards only. We are not trying to fix anything,solve anything,... we are only talking to one another. We have been invited here for this reason. Dr.P says " Come to the messageboards, let us know what you think". He doesn't say "Come to the messageboards, we are desparately seeking answers to these people's problems from the general non-qualified public".And I respect your opinion too.
 
June 14, 2007, 6:21 pm CDT

06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: veganvixen

Thats really sweet, you guys got it. You know whats it's about and thats the point. Nothing wrong with having a diamond ring as long as it knows its place, it happens to be my birthstone. I wish for more families the happy place you're in.

Thanks, and we did what was best for us, that's the thing.

If marriage is what's best for a COUPLE ( it helps if both are on board with it), then great, if not well that's fine too, as a teen I always saw myself as being a single parent for life ( wasn't a Man Hater per say, but they weren't doing much to impress me either) but I met my husband/partner and I was hooked, not all roses, but that's life when you merge two people together.

Personally, I think whatever someone does with their lives is their business, not the governments, not the churches, and as long as they aren't hurting anyone else, how an individual couple chooses to live their lives, is their choice.  The point is, BOTH have to agree and it NEEDS to be talked out.

If  he wants to "Live Together " first and you don't want to, then DON'T, and I get so angry when a woman gets pregnant thinking to trap him.  If he leaves you, then he wasn't for you, because he didn't respect your beliefs if he's applying pressure, but a good man will tell you straight up what his intentions are, and we as women have to respect those as well.

 
June 14, 2007, 6:45 pm CDT

06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: mauilover2

Don't worry I'm not getting started, however....

 

If marriage isn't necessary and you don't believe in it, that's your business, but I find it IRONIC that you refer to your partner? lover? friend? w.h.y.... as your HUSBAND......

 

According to the dictionary, a husband is "a married man; a women's partner in marriage; a man to whom a woman is married". 

 

You may be as married as you're getting but he isn't your "husband" and that's the difference between your man and mine.  I didn't get married to ensure he didn't leave nor did I marry him as a way to validate my love.  I wanted the privilege of growing old with my "husband" AND a happy "marriage" and I didn't think about society - I was 20. 

 

You refer to him as your husband and wear a ring -  of course no one would guess you weren't married :)

 

BTW - Congratulations on 18 years, two kids, two dogs and five cats - I'm at 20 years, two kids, one dog and two cats LOL  and that, my friend, is all that really matters, right?

 

 

Exactly right, that's all that matters.

And what works for one may not work for another.

I will say, Iiked your post, it was non judgemental, honest and reasonable and that I appreciate. No Bible quotes, no God talk, just to the point and honest.

I suppose I could call him my "mate", but that sounds like we belong on a nature show, now that would be something for discovery to air, I think they did at one point.

Lover, well that sounds more like a one night stand or a six month fling.

Boyfriend, I'm a long way from high school.

Fiance, talk about LOOONG engagements.

Partner (trust me on this) where I'm from well that is taken only ONE WAY(I am not trying to insult anyone here so please don't take it that way ).

"Husband" was the only word that didn't bring up unwanted lectures, strange looks or what I consider prying questions from people I hardly know (Your question was a fair one, not prying ).  Trust me, the questions are good,

Well he has free reign to fool around , he's an adult, if they're going to do it they'll do it married or not (there's been enough of them on the show to prove THAT ).

It's easier for him to leave, well then it should be pretty easy for me as well, unfortunatly in Canada Common Law unions are recognized, meaning it can get just as messy.

I could go on, but I hope you get the drift of what I'm trying to say, and hey I like people that can open their minds enough to ask fair questions, like I say  "I'm not abnormal, just different ".

BUT, I do tell people that if they plan to marry after living together, they have to be VERY careful, it dosen't usually work out, sometimes it does, but the track records aren't very good, I think you're better off NOT living together first, but again, what works for one dosen't always work for another.

twenty years is a GREAT THING (especially when many can't seem to get past year five), I keep threatening to get another cat hehe.

 
June 19, 2007, 11:41 am CDT

Daniel from the show

I am Daniel from the show. We did break up after the show. I couldnt deal with all the problems I had with my relationship. I was always stressed out and alway worried. It kept bringing me down. It was hard for me to function at work. I couldnt take it anymore. I want someone that knows how to love. I cant be with someone that doesnt even love herself.  After seeking help after the shower, her counsler even told me to walk away. So thats what I did! Thanks everyone for leaving there opinion!

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel

 
June 20, 2007, 10:46 am CDT

love and marriage

Quote From: ceildh1

Exactly right, that's all that matters.

And what works for one may not work for another.

I will say, Iiked your post, it was non judgemental, honest and reasonable and that I appreciate. No Bible quotes, no God talk, just to the point and honest.

I suppose I could call him my "mate", but that sounds like we belong on a nature show, now that would be something for discovery to air, I think they did at one point.

Lover, well that sounds more like a one night stand or a six month fling.

Boyfriend, I'm a long way from high school.

Fiance, talk about LOOONG engagements.

Partner (trust me on this) where I'm from well that is taken only ONE WAY(I am not trying to insult anyone here so please don't take it that way ).

"Husband" was the only word that didn't bring up unwanted lectures, strange looks or what I consider prying questions from people I hardly know (Your question was a fair one, not prying ).  Trust me, the questions are good,

Well he has free reign to fool around , he's an adult, if they're going to do it they'll do it married or not (there's been enough of them on the show to prove THAT ).

It's easier for him to leave, well then it should be pretty easy for me as well, unfortunatly in Canada Common Law unions are recognized, meaning it can get just as messy.

I could go on, but I hope you get the drift of what I'm trying to say, and hey I like people that can open their minds enough to ask fair questions, like I say  "I'm not abnormal, just different ".

BUT, I do tell people that if they plan to marry after living together, they have to be VERY careful, it dosen't usually work out, sometimes it does, but the track records aren't very good, I think you're better off NOT living together first, but again, what works for one dosen't always work for another.

twenty years is a GREAT THING (especially when many can't seem to get past year five), I keep threatening to get another cat hehe.

Now it seems to me that if 2 people really love each other, it's only natural to want to be married and build a life together...until then, you are boyfriend and girlfriend....kinda strange to call a boyfriend a husband don't you think?  lol....

 

I'm all for love and marriage, baby carriages and the whole kaboodle...lol...I hope all find their true love like I've found mine...I also believe if one truly loves their significant other, they won't cheat....that's my story and I'm sticking to it...now, I do believe if those 2 are separated for various reasons, one off to war, one in jail etc etc...that the separation may allow one to get weak, but I believe when they are not separated, they truly will not be unfaithful...if they truly love each other...

 

Life is a wonderful thing and we all can live a good one, it's up to us...

 
June 20, 2007, 2:00 pm CDT

06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: ceildh1

Exactly right, that's all that matters.

And what works for one may not work for another.

I will say, Iiked your post, it was non judgemental, honest and reasonable and that I appreciate. No Bible quotes, no God talk, just to the point and honest.

I suppose I could call him my "mate", but that sounds like we belong on a nature show, now that would be something for discovery to air, I think they did at one point.

Lover, well that sounds more like a one night stand or a six month fling.

Boyfriend, I'm a long way from high school.

Fiance, talk about LOOONG engagements.

Partner (trust me on this) where I'm from well that is taken only ONE WAY(I am not trying to insult anyone here so please don't take it that way ).

"Husband" was the only word that didn't bring up unwanted lectures, strange looks or what I consider prying questions from people I hardly know (Your question was a fair one, not prying ).  Trust me, the questions are good,

Well he has free reign to fool around , he's an adult, if they're going to do it they'll do it married or not (there's been enough of them on the show to prove THAT ).

It's easier for him to leave, well then it should be pretty easy for me as well, unfortunatly in Canada Common Law unions are recognized, meaning it can get just as messy.

I could go on, but I hope you get the drift of what I'm trying to say, and hey I like people that can open their minds enough to ask fair questions, like I say  "I'm not abnormal, just different ".

BUT, I do tell people that if they plan to marry after living together, they have to be VERY careful, it dosen't usually work out, sometimes it does, but the track records aren't very good, I think you're better off NOT living together first, but again, what works for one dosen't always work for another.

twenty years is a GREAT THING (especially when many can't seem to get past year five), I keep threatening to get another cat hehe.

THANK YOU. You've put into words what I've been telling people all along. "Boyfriend" is too junior high. "Partner" has its' own connotations in the area I live in as well. (I had checked the "partner" box on the form I filled out at my doctor's office, until my 24yo daughter told me what it meant, lol...I went back and changed it..;)  -) "Significant Other" is just too much of a mouthful. I'm not engaged to this man..I have no intentions of every marrying again, so "fiance" doesn't work either. "Mate" just doesn't sound right. I like the "Discovery Channel" analogy, lol. And to call him my "lover" would demean what the relationship truly is. We need something else that's short and sweet to describe the union between two people who consciously make a choice to not marry, yet are as committed as those that are. So far, I haven't come up with one, lol.

I've done the marriage thing...20+years, 4 kids, numerous animals. I CHOOSE to not do it again. I don't refer to my SO as my husband. He's not. Yes, it's easier..and I've slipped a time or two just b/c I didn't want to use one of the aforementioned terms. I don't do it anymore. He's NOT my husband. He's my other half. My better half. He's what restored my faith that all men aren't created equal. Nor are women......

 
June 20, 2007, 2:04 pm CDT

06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: sweetdan

I am Daniel from the show. We did break up after the show. I couldnt deal with all the problems I had with my relationship. I was always stressed out and alway worried. It kept bringing me down. It was hard for me to function at work. I couldnt take it anymore. I want someone that knows how to love. I cant be with someone that doesnt even love herself.  After seeking help after the shower, her counsler even told me to walk away. So thats what I did! Thanks everyone for leaving there opinion!

 

 

 

 

 

Daniel

There are probably going to be posters who will say, that if you really loved her...you  would have stuck it out. I'm not one of those. You're proof that men do want a woman with self-confidence..self assurance. It's hard to live life as someone else's crutch. They say there's someone for everyone, and I'm inclined to agree. No doubt there is someone out there who will love your ex for the woman she is...just as there's someone out there who can appreciate that you want someone independent of you. I wish you the best of luck in finding her.............
 
November 2, 2008, 5:12 pm CST

Am I dealing with a marriage deal breaker?

I have been married for 7 years. I know my husband loves me and I love him, but there are elements of our marriage that might be a deal breaker for any other woman. I may have put up with these things for too long, and now I don't see clearly. I rarely, if ever, mention these things, even to my closest friends. In fact, if he ever found out that I was talking with anyone or writing about this on a message board, he would fly off the handle. I recently confided in my mom and a friend and their reaction made me question . . . Should I be in this marriage?Here is the situation: I am the bread winner, working 50+ hours a week and going to school for my master's. My husband works by contract and is home often. I handle almost everything related to the household, even though he has more time to take care of day to day things. I really wish I could count on him to take ownership of anything, even just changing the oil in the car or taking care of the yard. I think I put up with it because I feel guilty that I am gone so much. My weekends, the only real down time I have, is filled with laundry, dishes etc .  I'm just tired. But here is the kicker! I can't get him to talk about the future, at all! I told him we need to start thinking about having a family. I'm not getting any younger and I worry that I will miss my window of opportunity. He won't talk about it. He doesn't seem to care that I need to have some idea of what the future will hold. He has never wanted to plan more than a few months ahead. So now, I'm feeling used and abused. I'm no longer sure I should have kids with him. I do love him, but he is a lousy partner. I need a partner. Is this a deal breaker?
 
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