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Topic : 06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Number of Replies: 379
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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:21:42 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 1/16/07) Rules, stipulations, conditions and ultimatums -- not exactly romantic pillow talk, but when it comes to marriage, what qualifies as a deal-breaker? Shane and Nikki got married four months ago. Nikki says that three days into their honeymoon, Shane told her that he wasn't sure he loved her enough to be married. He says he will give the marriage a six- to 12-month trial, and if it doesn't work, he's out. Nikki says there is no way she will stay in a trial marriage. Why did Shane marry Nikki in the first place? And, should Nikki wait for him to make a decision, or should she cut her losses and get out now? Then, Daniel and Debra are engaged and planning to get married in October, but Daniel says he's ready to call off the wedding if Debra doesn't stop asking him, "Do I look fat?" A recovering bulimic now weighing 100 pounds, Debra says she wants Daniel to support her recovery, and he is wrong to postpone the wedding. When Dr. Phil shows them a video of a previous anorexic guest, will Daniel and Debra change their outlook? Is there hope for this couple to make it down the aisle? Tell us!

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 15, 2007, 2:17 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: bear_ta

It is realistic, absolutely true, and a fact. If it isn't it's not love. If I am wrong why don't people fall out of love with their children? Because it's real love, not some hormone driven delusion.
Actually, I have never been "in love" with my children. I love them completely & respect them as my children & the cool guys that they are. They are not here to make me happy nor am I here to make them happy.  But then again, that's another topic :)
 
January 15, 2007, 2:21 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: purplepenny

I agree with you totally. The deeper you get into someone else's life, and the deeper that commitment gets the less "simple" it is.

I've been with my husband for 8 years now, and our love is not easy, simple, pure and we don't know if it will last forever...we want it to, we hope it does, but we aren't so arrogant as to assume we know our love will last forever.

Our love is as complicated as the two of us are...


Thank you. And very well put... honestly. People are not simple creatures. It takes real effort to merge two lives & become one with each other. Real love is deep & growing, not on the surface & simple.
 
January 15, 2007, 2:24 pm CST

Hope

Unfortunately in the world we live in today too many people tend to get married for all the wrong reasons. While each of us love the idea of having a significant other in our life we tend to somewhat lose perspective on the real reasons of getting married and that may very well be due to the hype or cliché things we hear about the whole marriage issue.  For a lot of people marriage is a fantasy in which there are several stages which appeal to us. It might be that a young lady has always had the fantasy of walking down the isle or wearing that fabulous white dress or all the attention we get while going through the process of getting married. These are all secondary issues and neither the bride or the groom should concentrate on these while actually looking deep into their partner’s eyes and proposing marriage. I think that for two people who are in a relationship to decide to take it to the next level and get married, they should go back to the simple basics of the idea. Love is a product of lots of things and if people keep that in mind they will most certainly know when it is right to say yes or know when the question is posed. If there is not trust then love doesn’t exist, if there is no respect then love doesn’t exist, if there is no compatibility on all levels then love does  not exist. In making such a decision, weather to pose the question or to say yes to the question, one must forget the glamour and the hype surrounding marriages and go back to simple basics. For Nikki and shane, I would definitely tell Nikki to simply tell Shane that he has in fact already taken the decision but due to his weak character has not been able to confront himself with his decision. This is not fair to him or Nikki. If she can be honest enough with herself and say that then she should be able to be the stronger character in the relationship and tell Shane that since he is too weak to take the decision she will be the one to take it for him and break it off right now and look for a man who is up to the responsibility.

 

As for Daniel and Debra, I strongly feel that anyone who says they love you and says they want to get married to you, should have the love in their heart to stand by your side for better or worse.  If your only engaged and he is already not able or not willing to cope with you on your worse days then how do you ever expect him to cope with you in more stringent times. My advice to you would be to find a man who loves you just the way you are now and who will love you in even worse times as well as all the good times. I sincerely hope you will take things into your own hands and make the right decision. He is not the only man in the world and you should have the confidence to know that you can find better.

 
January 15, 2007, 2:24 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: bear_ta

Love is so simple, so is marriage. I feel sorry for people that don't get it. I feel sorry for people that are unable to feel happy for others because they are not. Maybe if marriage is difficult for you you're not with the right person. My parents are still in love and happily married too. They never worked at marriage either. They were meant for each other and that is all there is too it.

Sounds as if you may be idolizing their marriage a bit? Or maybe just not willing to see all there is/was?

 

Well, fact is, arguments will happen & it will feel difficult at times. And that's okay. It will give you to opportunity to realize what you really do have & appreciate it all the more.

 

Best wishes.

 
January 15, 2007, 2:40 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: our4sons

Thank you. And very well put... honestly. People are not simple creatures. It takes real effort to merge two lives & become one with each other. Real love is deep & growing, not on the surface & simple.
I've been thinking about these posts over lunch...My husband and I have been through some trauma in our shortish marriage...a pre-term baby, me being deathly ill, I have depression, and he has his issues (I will keep them private as I haven't asked him to if I can say them here)...there have been some days where there was all work and no fun...but those days make the loving days so sweet...so wonderful they bring tears to my eyes!

Sorry to be corny! LOL
 
January 15, 2007, 2:48 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: sinful4eva

Unfortunately in the world we live in today too many people tend to get married for all the wrong reasons. While each of us love the idea of having a significant other in our life we tend to somewhat lose perspective on the real reasons of getting married and that may very well be due to the hype or cliché things we hear about the whole marriage issue.  For a lot of people marriage is a fantasy in which there are several stages which appeal to us. It might be that a young lady has always had the fantasy of walking down the isle or wearing that fabulous white dress or all the attention we get while going through the process of getting married. These are all secondary issues and neither the bride or the groom should concentrate on these while actually looking deep into their partners eyes and proposing marriage. I think that for two people who are in a relationship to decide to take it to the next level and get married, they should go back to the simple basics of the idea. Love is a product of lots of things and if people keep that in mind they will most certainly know when it is right to say yes or know when the question is posed. If there is not trust then love doesnt exist, if there is no respect then love doesnt exist, if there is no compatibility on all levels then love does  not exist. In making such a decision, weather to pose the question or to say yes to the question, one must forget the glamour and the hype surrounding marriages and go back to simple basics. For Nikki and shane, I would definitely tell Nikki to simply tell Shane that he has in fact already taken the decision but due to his weak character has not been able to confront himself with his decision. This is not fair to him or Nikki. If she can be honest enough with herself and say that then she should be able to be the stronger character in the relationship and tell Shane that since he is too weak to take the decision she will be the one to take it for him and break it off right now and look for a man who is up to the responsibility.

 

As for Daniel and Debra, I strongly feel that anyone who says they love you and says they want to get married to you, should have the love in their heart to stand by your side for better or worse.  If your only engaged and he is already not able or not willing to cope with you on your worse days then how do you ever expect him to cope with you in more stringent times. My advice to you would be to find a man who loves you just the way you are now and who will love you in even worse times as well as all the good times. I sincerely hope you will take things into your own hands and make the right decision. He is not the only man in the world and you should have the confidence to know that you can find better.

I agree with your sentiment but feel the need to point out something. IMO,without trust you can't truly respect someone enough to love them, truly. And it is a myth that the two people must be compatible "on all levels" or love will fail.
 
January 15, 2007, 3:01 pm CST

01/16 Marriage Deal-Breakers

Quote From: our4sons

I agree with your sentiment but feel the need to point out something. IMO,without trust you can't truly respect someone enough to love them, truly. And it is a myth that the two people must be compatible "on all levels" or love will fail.
I didn't mean to put it that way but the point i was trying to make is that a lot of people don't take into consideration the compatibility. As much as we all hate to admit it, lots of times we may love someone and truely love them but after getting married we find out that because we are not both College graduates we don't always see eye to eye or have something interesting to talk about with one another and things like that. I know you'll probably say well if they love one another they will entertain each others boring topics of discussion but at the end of the day lets not forget that each of us has a limit. These incompatibilities which make men and women seek other people to fill in the gaps of their own relationships. Even though some of these gaps most of the time we don't see as being significant enough to cheat on our partners
 
January 15, 2007, 3:06 pm CST

Well...

Quote From: purplepenny

Well this is your opinion and your opinion is not fact. I find BEAUTY in the work..I am happy in it because it means that neither one of us is compromising WHO WE ARE in order to be in a relationship.

Like I said before, maybe you are LUCKY...so consider that and quit judging every other marriage against your perfect one.

I think she was saying that the "work" she puts into it doesn't feel like work because it just comes so easily.  Maybe its such a pleasure to be around her husband that it's like second nature...not to say relationships aren't complex.

 

They're like a nice Cabernet Sauvignon-gets better with age and full of complexity.  There is pleasure in creating it and you enjoy it that much more.  Okay, no more mushy metaphors...for this topic anyway!.

 
January 15, 2007, 3:06 pm CST

It just isn't, and shouldn't be work.

Quote From: our4sons

Work can be fun if you choose properly :)

 

True love includes respect for your mate, understanding & cooperation as well as compromise. It takes effort to compromise sometimes, it takes effort to understand sometimes & it takes effort to cooperate soemtimes. With that effort you are likely to build the real respect that is needed for true love. It's nice & "fun" to be "in love" but real love, the one that will take you through the rough times as well as the good, can & does take effort. Effort is a good thing when it is done for the right reasons.

 

I believe I understand the point you are attempting to make but it is a far too general one that doesn't take real life situations that will & do happen into account. Real love isn't just sweet & fun, it's work at times. But it is the best work you can get if you are blessed enough to be graced with it .

I have real and true love. It is absolutely no effort. I think people use the word love too easily, and I think it is you that is being too general. It seems that everyone wants to believe love is so hard because they themselves have no idea what it is, and haven't found it. They think it has to be work because they are struggling. I am not struggling and it makes people angry and jealous. Every happy couple I've ever talked to that had been together a long time say the same thing. It's no trouble at all. It's us against the world. That's what my parents are like, and what my grandparents were like. Just lucky I guess.

 
January 15, 2007, 3:12 pm CST

the easy life

Quote From: our4sons

Sounds as if you may be idolizing their marriage a bit? Or maybe just not willing to see all there is/was?

 

Well, fact is, arguments will happen & it will feel difficult at times. And that's okay. It will give you to opportunity to realize what you really do have & appreciate it all the more.

 

Best wishes.

I don't idolize anything. I am not a liar, or an exaggerator. I don't argue with my husband. We always get along. It is not work in any sort of way. It is easy. It's hilarious. It's passionate. The outside world and other people are a pain in the butt. My marriage is my safe haven from the world and all it's crap.
 
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