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Topic : 06/12 Marriage Deal-Breakers

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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:21:42 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 1/16/07) Rules, stipulations, conditions and ultimatums -- not exactly romantic pillow talk, but when it comes to marriage, what qualifies as a deal-breaker? Shane and Nikki got married four months ago. Nikki says that three days into their honeymoon, Shane told her that he wasn't sure he loved her enough to be married. He says he will give the marriage a six- to 12-month trial, and if it doesn't work, he's out. Nikki says there is no way she will stay in a trial marriage. Why did Shane marry Nikki in the first place? And, should Nikki wait for him to make a decision, or should she cut her losses and get out now? Then, Daniel and Debra are engaged and planning to get married in October, but Daniel says he's ready to call off the wedding if Debra doesn't stop asking him, "Do I look fat?" A recovering bulimic now weighing 100 pounds, Debra says she wants Daniel to support her recovery, and he is wrong to postpone the wedding. When Dr. Phil shows them a video of a previous anorexic guest, will Daniel and Debra change their outlook? Is there hope for this couple to make it down the aisle? Tell us!

Find out what happened on the show.

More June 2007 Show Boards.


 
mom2rachel
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January 16, 2007, 8:28 pm PST

for Debra if you are reading these

I hope Debra is reading these posts. Although we have never met,  I want to tell you how very proud I am of you.  It took such courage to get up there and say what you did.  I am sure it was hard to see those pictures of yourself when you were sick.  I am a recovered anorexic and bulimic.  I would look at pictures when i was at my skinniest and they wouldn't gross me out at all, i would long to look that way again.  but from one anorexic to another, you look wonderful!  You still look skinny!  Hello?! A size 0?  you said it yourself that being a size 0 was ok with you.  Anyway, you are doing a great job, you have come such a long way and you should be very, very proud of yourself.  If I can offer you one piece of advice as a married woman:  Cut your guy some slack, it is not his job to make you feel pretty...it is simply not possible for him to, so dont ask him to.  You and I both know that WE have to BELIEVE we are pretty in order for it to be true, and Debra from what I saw today you are a beautiful person inside and out!  I have confidence that Daniel will be a very good husband AND that you will be a good wife to him.  Good luck to you and please take care of yourself!
 
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sunnie05
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January 16, 2007, 9:28 pm PST

Nikki you are a brave woman!

Nikki D.!!!! This may be a blast from the past but you and I went to high school together!!! 

 

I want you to know that seeing you on the show displayed your courage and commitment to your marriage.  It is hard being married and sometimes you don't get it right.  I often ponder that thought with my own husband.  =)  I respect your position about the ease of divorce and wish I could tell you something wise.  But, I can't.  No sage words of advice from me.  7 yrs of marriage and we still work on it.  Sometimes together sometimes apart ... but it does seem to pass, resolution is found and we move forward.  It’s not easy.

 

Just want to tell you that the girl I new in HS, the one that could get a crowd to laugh at a drop of a hat, the girl who got everyone fired up at a Pep Rally, the one that made a Prom amazing, is an amazing woman today.  Don't loose your sparkle girl!  If Shane is the one, I hope it works and that he is willing to see what an amazing woman he has beside him.  If he isn't, I hope you don’t consider this a failure, but an opportunity to grow and that you can recover and find your footing quickly.  Wishing you the very best Nikki!  You look beautiful.

 

Sunnie

(x Senior Class VP c/o '93! WHTHS)
 
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orthonurse1
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January 16, 2007, 9:53 pm PST

Dump the dirt bag

This girl deserves better. She needs to dump the dirt bag. There is better out there who will treat her like a queen.  If she is going to settle for dirt then she will be treated like dirt. If she settles for diamonds then she will sparkle in that persons eyes forever. Just some advice my mom has given me after 21years of bad relationships and marriages myself. My advice, you have to be everything to the other person and they have to be everything to you, because if one or the other is not then the two of you will never work out. One person can't love enough for the two of you, believe me I've tried, and it doesn't not work.Good luck on what ever your decision is.
 
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maisr9
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January 16, 2007, 10:09 pm PST

Good topic

For a long time, I've thought that talking about things before marriage includes those uncomfortable topics such as "deal-breakers." I'm glad it's getting discussed in a popular forum. Maybe it will change how people go at marriage a little. Maybe it will validate my insistance on exploring those with my current intended. Media moves the masses.

 

Maisri
 
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brittmeymac
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January 16, 2007, 10:13 pm PST

So sad!

I really hope Shane and Nikki are going to be reading this.  Shane, I know you used to be a religious person.  I'm not sure if you still are or not..... but I suggest that you go and see your clergyman or stake clergyman ;-).  And you need be down on your knees praying like crazy for your fears to be taken away.  And Nikki, I give you props for sticking it out and being patient.  Something I have done in my own marriage was to first pray about my spouse to see if his imperfections were going to ruin our lives and if he deep down had the desire to progress.  Then when I realized that he did, but just needed time and patience, I stuck it out.  I prayed for him to overcome his problems and prayed for me to be patient.  After 6 years of ups and downs, we have both grown so much and we're as happy as can be now.  I really wish you guys good luck with everything.  I hope you can overcome your issues Shane.  I will be definately be praying for you guys! 
 
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bigguy_33
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January 16, 2007, 11:42 pm PST

Why are you blaming the Shame??

Hey, Shame was completely honest and up front with this woman.  She just could not take no for an answer, like most women who have their little fantasy wedding dreams.  He said NO NO NO over and over again that he did not want to go forward.  SHE SENT HER FATHER OVER TO COMPEL SHANE TO MARRY HER.

 

Even on the show, she would not listen to what he or Dr Phil was saying !  All she would say is "BUT I LOVE HIM" !   Get a hold of yourself Nikki and stop being so needy !

 

She is the one with the bigger problem !

 

Stop blaming Shane !    

 
 
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flrat69
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January 17, 2007, 4:28 am PST

Dirt Bag?

Quote From: orthonurse1

This girl deserves better. She needs to dump the dirt bag. There is better out there who will treat her like a queen.  If she is going to settle for dirt then she will be treated like dirt. If she settles for diamonds then she will sparkle in that persons eyes forever. Just some advice my mom has given me after 21years of bad relationships and marriages myself. My advice, you have to be everything to the other person and they have to be everything to you, because if one or the other is not then the two of you will never work out. One person can't love enough for the two of you, believe me I've tried, and it doesn't not work.Good luck on what ever your decision is.

I have no problem with most of what you say here.  She should move on.  But simply because the guy doesn't want to marry her does not make him a dirt bag.  If we're looking for blame here, then look in both directions.  Even though I disagree with him a great deal and think he has mishandled this thing all the way, I think she has too.  All the signs were there and some in the extreme.  She didn't see because she chose not to.  If both of them can learn to stop looking for a mate, they will probably end up happily married to someone other than each other.  Actually, I think both of them deserve better. 

 

I realize Dr. Phil's audience is primarily female, but that lends no credibility to constant male bashing.  If there was a male dominated forum,  the opposite would probably happen.  Have we made so little progress that this is the best we can do?
 
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flrat69
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January 17, 2007, 4:43 am PST

What?

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It appears to me (based on the wedding pictures) that these two were married in an LDS temple. Having done so myself I know the serious commitments involved and I am disgusted at this man's lack of serious understanding of the implications of his wedding vows.
I don't see his understanding as being any worse than hers.  She new very well there was a problem and chose to ignore it.  It's amazing how so many can only see one side of an issue.  She couldn't recognize a full anxiety attack as a sign of a problem?  If not, she was wearing blinders.  She chose not to see it.
 
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gwarrior6
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January 17, 2007, 5:20 am PST

Then really...

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I'm going to jump in here and agree with Penny. These are two completely different issues.

 

I'll hold my deliriously happy marriage up against anyone's. I don't WORK to get my husband to love me. I am very secure in his love. We BOTH work at keeping our relationship healthy, honest, alive, a priority, etc.

 

It isn't arduous work...it's a consciousness that we need to tend to our relationship. I exercise frequently...that's work , too. It's worthwhile and I enjoy it, but some days it's more effort than others.

 

I'm glad that both my husband and I get that marriage is not an effortless endeavor. It makes me MORE secure that if some rough stuff should happen (and life has a way of throwing rough stuff at you), we know how to work through things together and we don't have unrealistic expectations that marriage will be as simple as breathing. If my husband expected marriage to be a complete cakewalk all the time, that, for me, would be a deal breaker.

What you're talking about is maintaining the RELATIONSHIP, not maintaining the love....that's my point.
 
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rosie52
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January 17, 2007, 6:22 am PST

I apologize

I'm sorry that I got off track with my post about that thing about love that my great-uncle used to say. I won't do it again. Chastened, rosie52
 
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