Topic : 03/14 Mr. Wrong

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

Are there bad people in prison.......definitely!  However, sometimes good people end up in places they never imagined they would go. I met and fell in love with a man 19 years ago that is sitting in a prison cell for life. He comes from a good family, and has never been in trouble before. Does that make committing a crime acceptable,.....not at all.  A man with a loving family, someone's son, uncle, brother, father, was killed. In the blink of an eye, a life was lost, and as a result of that, another life is accountable. I didn't plan on falling in love with a man that would spend his human existence in a prison cell. As a matter of fact, it sounds so trivial even mentioning it, when you think about a mans life being taken.  I thought, in my heart that I was strong enough to endure the circumstances, and committed myself to making this relationship work. I had no clue the "hugeness" of what it was I was up against. When I fell short of my expectations, I considered myself weak. I discovered, through my experience over the last 19 years, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with a person that is incarcerated. Relationships need to be paid attention to. Growing together. The one thing I would have done different, If I could go back 19 years, is paid more attention to what MY needs were. I still, to this day, have not made room in my heart, for any one else. My choices over the years were based on what "he" would think, or how "he" would feel. As a result of that, I gave up many opportunities. No regrets. I learned a lot about myself over the years, and have what was, and is MY experience. I hope, from what I learned, that no other woman will ever treat herself with the dis-respect that I treated myself with. Also, unlike Sara, I would NEVER allow this to happen a second time, never mind a third. Another thing, I don't know for sure, but, I would like to think, that if I had children, no man, inside or out,...... would EVER interfere with the well being of my children!  My wish for Sara is that one day she will see her worth and esteem, so that her beautiful children will not pay the price for her settling for less. You deserve better Sara!!!

DARLENE.......

P.S. I hope my appearance on the Dr Phil show will help others to see that this is about   "Loving Yourself" enough, to do what is in your best interest.

Hi,

How have you been since the show? As I said at the show, I have high self esteem, I am not weak, etc. I am a strong woman, thats why Im able to take care of my babies as a single mother, etc. I love my husband with all of my heart. Just because he sits in a prison cell doesnt make him worthless or not worth caring for. He teaches my kids a lot of things. My children are allowed to see what happens when we make one mistake, they are also taught about God from my husband. He has the time to research the Bible and explain it to them better than I could. I know our situations are different. I dont sit by the phone waiting for calls, I dont send money all the time and take away from my own life and my daughter's. I am a Mom first! i see my husband when my kid's schedules allow for it. He is not using me in the least. We have a bond and have known each other for years, he asks for nothing but my love. I know men in prison know how to run drag on women to get what they want, Ive had many homeboys locked up that do that. My husband is not one of them. Im very street smart and can tell the difference. I know no one will understand my story because they dont know me or him personally. The people that know us see the love and beauty in all of it. I would NEVER allow for my daughters to be put in harms way. He loves them and shows them more love than their own Father. i hope people can just sit back and see my side and not jump to conclusions. I know people also think I am setting a horrible example for my children, but thats not the case. My children are happy, honor roll smart, involved in extra curricular activities that I volunteer for also, and I teach them right and wrong. At least they will grow up knowing the real world and not be a victim to it. There's a lot of parents who shelter their children and then are surprised when their kids end up in prisons, on drugs, etc. My kids wont have to end up with any of those problems, they see first hand that there are consequences for their actions.  I know this is controversial, however nothing will come close to changing my mind. I LOVE and ADORE my husband, hes a better man than most.... enjoy the show. Sarah

  Relationships are like gardens, you have to work on them to make them blossom.  When one partner is incarcerated they are not available to do the work required for this garden to grow and bloom.  One reason a person may want to be involved with someone incarcerated is to "rescue" them, be there for them, love them, take care of them, nurture them and hope enough "love" will help them change.  Lots of one sided work.   A caution here too is to recognize you cannot "love" an anti social personality to wellness.  In no way am I saying everyone incarcerated is anti social, there are exceptions.  

    Another reason is so the person on the "outside" can avoid the work involved such as growing, taking responsibility for their part in a relationship, trusting, being loved back (so scary sometimes), not being in control, having to actually be involved daily and work with someone else on a daily basis on the relationship. This avoidance is less of a threat then the actual day to day relationship with someone that is available, active and in the home daily. 

    Life is a journey of learning and growth. We often take great steps to avoid that responsibility for ourselves and focus on "fixing" someone else. Unfortunately waste years of our lives doing so.  Go to any CODA meeting and see if you don't have agreement on that.  We do sometimes see it all years later and may have regrets we did not love ourselves enough. Time is not recovered.

Suzanne

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?