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Topic : 03/14 Mr. Wrong

Number of Replies: 264
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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:25:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/18/07) Criminals, deadbeats and bad boys -- most women run from these types of men, but some say Mr. Wrong is the right guy for them. Kelly says her daughter, Heather, married Mr. Wrong, and the price she paid was losing her children. Kelly says Heather's husband, Earl, is an unfit father and can't provide for the family. Heather, 25, says she stands by her 41-year-old husband and wants her parents to stop sabotaging her marriage. Are Heather and Earl really unfit parents, or does Earl deserve a second chance? Then, Sarah, 29, says she's been married to three men in prison, and her current husband is serving a life sentence for murder. Even more shocking, she often takes her two young daughters to visit their step-dad behind bars, and she says they love to see him. Why is Sarah drawn to this type of man? Sarah's mom weighs in on her daughter's love life. And, a woman who gave up nearly 20 years of her life for a man in jail has an important message for Sarah. Will Sarah feel differently after meeting Darlene? Join the discussion.

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January 14, 2007, 10:49 pm CST

01/18 Mr. Wrong

I don't understand what goes through these womens heads.  They actually think to themselves "I think I'll marry a man serving a life sentence for murder, thats a great idea". Then to take their children into a prison to visit a convicted murderer is just disgusting, what are they teaching the children?  Growing up I watched my mother bring home the same type of sleazy trashy guy from the bar over and over again.  It always turned out the same way and she never learned because her next boyfriend would be a copy of the last.  Thank God  I was able to recognize my mothers poor judgment in men and used it as guide for who not to date. Now I am happily engaged to a man that is the opposite of someone my mother would date.
 
January 15, 2007, 10:23 am CST

My cousing did this too

Quote From: keljan92

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

 

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

Married a guy she met while going with her father to visit other inmates for their church.  He was in for child molestation.  When he got out, they had to live in separate houses, but guess what?  Over time he managed to molest her kids and embezzle some money in his spare time.  He's back in prison.

I wonder if her kids think her love affair was worth it?
 
January 15, 2007, 3:32 pm CST

wrong guy

If a woman wants to date a man in prison thats her business but when she has kids then it affects them too and puts them in danger and who gave them the right to do that......You should know if that is the example you are giving your children then dont go crying if or when your child is molested or murdered if and when the guy gets out and is with you.. Also don't go being upset with your child when they go do the same thing.....Wake up women you are bringing these guys in yours and your childrens life even if they don't ever get out of prison....and it is not good....You are to protect your children not put them in danger.....
 
January 15, 2007, 4:10 pm CST

01/18 Mr. Wrong

Quote From: skyhawwk

Are there bad people in prison.......definitely!  However, sometimes good people end up in places they never imagined they would go. I met and fell in love with a man 19 years ago that is sitting in a prison cell for life. He comes from a good family, and has never been in trouble before. Does that make committing a crime acceptable,.....not at all.  A man with a loving family, someone's son, uncle, brother, father, was killed. In the blink of an eye, a life was lost, and as a result of that, another life is accountable. I didn't plan on falling in love with a man that would spend his human existence in a prison cell. As a matter of fact, it sounds so trivial even mentioning it, when you think about a mans life being taken.  I thought, in my heart that I was strong enough to endure the circumstances, and committed myself to making this relationship work. I had no clue the "hugeness" of what it was I was up against. When I fell short of my expectations, I considered myself weak. I discovered, through my experience over the last 19 years, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with a person that is incarcerated. Relationships need to be paid attention to. Growing together. The one thing I would have done different, If I could go back 19 years, is paid more attention to what MY needs were. I still, to this day, have not made room in my heart, for any one else. My choices over the years were based on what "he" would think, or how "he" would feel. As a result of that, I gave up many opportunities. No regrets. I learned a lot about myself over the years, and have what was, and is MY experience. I hope, from what I learned, that no other woman will ever treat herself with the dis-respect that I treated myself with. Also, unlike Sara, I would NEVER allow this to happen a second time, never mind a third. Another thing, I don't know for sure, but, I would like to think, that if I had children, no man, inside or out,...... would EVER interfere with the well being of my children!  My wish for Sara is that one day she will see her worth and esteem, so that her beautiful children will not pay the price for her settling for less. You deserve better Sara!!!

 

DARLENE.......

 

P.S. I hope my appearance on the Dr Phil show will help others to see that this is about   "Loving Yourself" enough, to do what is in your best interest.

 

 

Hi,

How have you been since the show? As I said at the show, I have high self esteem, I am not weak, etc. I am a strong woman, thats why Im able to take care of my babies as a single mother, etc. I love my husband with all of my heart. Just because he sits in a prison cell doesnt make him worthless or not worth caring for. He teaches my kids a lot of things. My children are allowed to see what happens when we make one mistake, they are also taught about God from my husband. He has the time to research the Bible and explain it to them better than I could. I know our situations are different. I dont sit by the phone waiting for calls, I dont send money all the time and take away from my own life and my daughter's. I am a Mom first! i see my husband when my kid's schedules allow for it. He is not using me in the least. We have a bond and have known each other for years, he asks for nothing but my love. I know men in prison know how to run drag on women to get what they want, Ive had many homeboys locked up that do that. My husband is not one of them. Im very street smart and can tell the difference. I know no one will understand my story because they dont know me or him personally. The people that know us see the love and beauty in all of it. I would NEVER allow for my daughters to be put in harms way. He loves them and shows them more love than their own Father. i hope people can just sit back and see my side and not jump to conclusions. I know people also think I am setting a horrible example for my children, but thats not the case. My children are happy, honor roll smart, involved in extra curricular activities that I volunteer for also, and I teach them right and wrong. At least they will grow up knowing the real world and not be a victim to it. There's a lot of parents who shelter their children and then are surprised when their kids end up in prisons, on drugs, etc. My kids wont have to end up with any of those problems, they see first hand that there are consequences for their actions.  I know this is controversial, however nothing will come close to changing my mind. I LOVE and ADORE my husband, hes a better man than most.... enjoy the show. Sarah

 
January 16, 2007, 2:59 am CST

01/18 Mr. Wrong

 

  Relationships are like gardens, you have to work on them to make them blossom.  When one partner is incarcerated they are not available to do the work required for this garden to grow and bloom.  One reason a person may want to be involved with someone incarcerated is to "rescue" them, be there for them, love them, take care of them, nurture them and hope enough "love" will help them change.  Lots of one sided work.   A caution here too is to recognize you cannot "love" an anti social personality to wellness.  In no way am I saying everyone incarcerated is anti social, there are exceptions.  

 

    Another reason is so the person on the "outside" can avoid the work involved such as growing, taking responsibility for their part in a relationship, trusting, being loved back (so scary sometimes), not being in control, having to actually be involved daily and work with someone else on a daily basis on the relationship. This avoidance is less of a threat then the actual day to day relationship with someone that is available, active and in the home daily. 

 

    Life is a journey of learning and growth. We often take great steps to avoid that responsibility for ourselves and focus on "fixing" someone else. Unfortunately waste years of our lives doing so.  Go to any CODA meeting and see if you don't have agreement on that.  We do sometimes see it all years later and may have regrets we did not love ourselves enough. Time is not recovered.

 

Suzanne

 

 
January 16, 2007, 8:40 am CST

You think Mr. Wrong is Right

Some one I know thought she had found Mr. Right.  Married him in prison.  What a place to find a husband.  Now he's out and not making good choices.  2 days before Christmas {2006} ,  he goes to some people's house,  he's researched on line.  Holding them hostage, he forces  them drive to their bank.   Keeps one in the car and sends the other one into the bank with a note.  Of course the one in the bank gives him up to the security.  Security calls the real cops and they show up.  Now the guy takes the one hostage out on to the Freeway, surounded the cops.  There is a high speed chase {common in southern California} the guy is shot, and killed right there on the freeway.  This is more than a cautionary tale.  It happened, this year, in southern California.  Girls think about those bad boys you think are sooooooo cool.  They are not a good choice for anything.  The woman involved has 3 children, and is likely to lose them in the aftermath of this fiasco.  THINK AGAIN about the men you think are cool!
 
January 16, 2007, 2:51 pm CST

Good For You!.......

Quote From: sedusa88

Hi,

How have you been since the show? As I said at the show, I have high self esteem, I am not weak, etc. I am a strong woman, thats why Im able to take care of my babies as a single mother, etc. I love my husband with all of my heart. Just because he sits in a prison cell doesnt make him worthless or not worth caring for. He teaches my kids a lot of things. My children are allowed to see what happens when we make one mistake, they are also taught about God from my husband. He has the time to research the Bible and explain it to them better than I could. I know our situations are different. I dont sit by the phone waiting for calls, I dont send money all the time and take away from my own life and my daughter's. I am a Mom first! i see my husband when my kid's schedules allow for it. He is not using me in the least. We have a bond and have known each other for years, he asks for nothing but my love. I know men in prison know how to run drag on women to get what they want, Ive had many homeboys locked up that do that. My husband is not one of them. Im very street smart and can tell the difference. I know no one will understand my story because they dont know me or him personally. The people that know us see the love and beauty in all of it. I would NEVER allow for my daughters to be put in harms way. He loves them and shows them more love than their own Father. i hope people can just sit back and see my side and not jump to conclusions. I know people also think I am setting a horrible example for my children, but thats not the case. My children are happy, honor roll smart, involved in extra curricular activities that I volunteer for also, and I teach them right and wrong. At least they will grow up knowing the real world and not be a victim to it. There's a lot of parents who shelter their children and then are surprised when their kids end up in prisons, on drugs, etc. My kids wont have to end up with any of those problems, they see first hand that there are consequences for their actions.  I know this is controversial, however nothing will come close to changing my mind. I LOVE and ADORE my husband, hes a better man than most.... enjoy the show. Sarah

Hi Sarah!,

Nice hearing from you. No need for you to defend yourself to me. Who am I to judge. Anyone who feels good about what they are doing in life, has an advantage over me. There are times when I am not certain about the decisions I have made, and continue to make. I congratulate you in your conviction to stick with what's in your heart. I wish nothing but good things for you and your family!.........Just remember one thing,

 

 "how would we ever know what we need to change, if we never make mistakes"!

 

 Good Luck,

 DARLENE

 
January 16, 2007, 2:56 pm CST

Healthy Choices......

Quote From: szeller

 

  Relationships are like gardens, you have to work on them to make them blossom.  When one partner is incarcerated they are not available to do the work required for this garden to grow and bloom.  One reason a person may want to be involved with someone incarcerated is to "rescue" them, be there for them, love them, take care of them, nurture them and hope enough "love" will help them change.  Lots of one sided work.   A caution here too is to recognize you cannot "love" an anti social personality to wellness.  In no way am I saying everyone incarcerated is anti social, there are exceptions.  

 

    Another reason is so the person on the "outside" can avoid the work involved such as growing, taking responsibility for their part in a relationship, trusting, being loved back (so scary sometimes), not being in control, having to actually be involved daily and work with someone else on a daily basis on the relationship. This avoidance is less of a threat then the actual day to day relationship with someone that is available, active and in the home daily. 

 

    Life is a journey of learning and growth. We often take great steps to avoid that responsibility for ourselves and focus on "fixing" someone else. Unfortunately waste years of our lives doing so.  Go to any CODA meeting and see if you don't have agreement on that.  We do sometimes see it all years later and may have regrets we did not love ourselves enough. Time is not recovered.

 

Suzanne

 

Suzanne,

I could have not put it better myself!  I do hope no one has to spend the time I spent finding it out, from first hand experience. Self does matter........doesn't it!!

 

 

 DARLENE

 
January 17, 2007, 5:11 am CST

Become an investigator

Quote From: keljan92

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

 

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

After my 20 or so years in visiting prisons, I have definitely learned some things about the legal system.  When it comes to the well-being of children, you can't hold ANYTHING back.  If your niece's new beau is a child sex offender, there are records.  Public records.  He has to be registered as a child sex offender.  Here is my suggestion to you:  get copies of all of those police reports, hearings, etc... and once you do, ask your niece if she could bear to live with herself if another child got molested by him while he is out?  Especially if it was someone in her family?  Can she live with the stigma of even being WITH a registered child sex offender?  Find out the exact restrictions for them and get some statistics to back you up.  I know in my state they have to be at least 1 mile from a school.  She will be treated like scum by association.  She sounds like she has self-esteem issues like I did.  Try and praise her for some of the good decisions she is making and help show her that there are other choices she could be making in her personal life without putting herself at risk - because that is what she is doing, and if her self-esteem is low now, it will be non-existent by the time this joker gets done with her.  You need to speak with the rest of the family and do not EVER have that man around any of your precious children.  You can't replace innocence.  It is our job as adults to protect and nurture innocence as long as possible, because as soon as it is lost, it's gone forever.  If you don't know where to start, let me know and I'll try and point you in the right direction.  Good luck and stand strong.  Mary

 
January 17, 2007, 5:41 am CST

No one knows unless you're there...

Quote From: sedusa88

Wow!!! All I can say, is this type of guy is not a "bad boy", he is sick. I am so sorry to hear that your niece would choose such a man to be around her children. I am the one married to the man doing life, and people like my husband would not tolerate men that touch children. I have dated many "bad boys" and they all feel the same about sexual predators. If i were you, I would have social services step in if he is allowed to be around children. Sex offenders are NOT allowed to be around children at any time. Your niece is putting her family in harms way. I feel sorry for her, she must be looking through the eyes of being in love, but she will feel different when it starts to happen in her family. Please help her realize that he can NEVER change. There isn't any rehabilitation for those types. I pray everything works out for you and your family. It's gonna take a lot of convincing her and maybe drastic measures to remove her children if he stays around. Good luck!

Hi Sarah;

 

I'm in the 20 year club myself.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  There are good men in prison, but they put up a hell of a wall to the free world and try and stay tough.  I've seen men like your husband and mine with kids and it is really amazing.  I've seen hardened criminals sit on the ground and play blocks with little ones, riding the see-saw, etc... (when the guards allowed it) and they are putty in the kids hands.  You sound like you have your head on pretty straight and as long as you keep your eyes open and it's working for you, don't let anyone put you down for it.  YOU are the one that has to keep you happy.  I remember the high I felt after a good visit and the anticipation for the next visit...roller coaster ride, definitely.  I saw a movie once where a grandma described living life either on a carousel or roller coaster taking chances...she preferred the roller coaster!  I've come to the conclusion that all the good men are either gay, married (or both), or in prison.  A lot of them are in there for stupid decisions and non-violent crimes.  Tell your husband to keep his head up and that he is a lucky man to have a woman like you supporting him.  Good luck.

 

Mary

 
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