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Topic : 03/14 Mr. Wrong

Number of Replies: 264
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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:25:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/18/07) Criminals, deadbeats and bad boys -- most women run from these types of men, but some say Mr. Wrong is the right guy for them. Kelly says her daughter, Heather, married Mr. Wrong, and the price she paid was losing her children. Kelly says Heather's husband, Earl, is an unfit father and can't provide for the family. Heather, 25, says she stands by her 41-year-old husband and wants her parents to stop sabotaging her marriage. Are Heather and Earl really unfit parents, or does Earl deserve a second chance? Then, Sarah, 29, says she's been married to three men in prison, and her current husband is serving a life sentence for murder. Even more shocking, she often takes her two young daughters to visit their step-dad behind bars, and she says they love to see him. Why is Sarah drawn to this type of man? Sarah's mom weighs in on her daughter's love life. And, a woman who gave up nearly 20 years of her life for a man in jail has an important message for Sarah. Will Sarah feel differently after meeting Darlene? Join the discussion.

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January 13, 2007, 7:20 am CST

You don't have to be a victim

I used to love loser guys, I was cheated on, beaten up, degraded, humiliated and used. Then one day when I decided enough was enough I went to therapy, best thing I ever did. I found out that I was just repeating my pattern of what I thought was acceptable treatment because that's how my parents treated me. My mom was crazy and hurt me physically, emotionally and spirtitually, she beat me when she had a bad day at work, or was mad at my alcoholic father, she spit on me she told me I was a piece of  you know what and degraded me in front of people in some pretty horrible ways. My father told me many times he didn't like me because I looked like my mom. I had no support from anyone growing up cause the rest of my family was nuts as well. It has taken my a long time in therapy, as well as other support groups but it was so worth it, I am now in school completing my bachelors degree in nursing, and I am married to a man who treats me like a queen. My kids are doing much better and leading good and decent lives- I am very proud of them.  I thank God for good counseling and now have healthier friends as well ( I used to attract sick friends as well) LIFE IS GOOD- so what I am saying is just because we have people who are clueless about how to raise us, and lack consciences as to what they are doing to their children, we don't have to keep repeating history-Pray to God for the courage and willingness to change and I know he will help-God could and he would if he were sought-Be brave and break that awful cycle in your family it is so worth it I have a life I never knew I could have and no longer have to be a victim of this life - I am a participant. In my nursing practice I am hoping to give back to others the way I have been given to in my recovery--Peace to you my friends and may God bless you on this journey of life-signed-Happily ever after
 
January 13, 2007, 5:49 pm CST

01/18 Mr. Wrong

I think many of us have dated a loser at some point, and I think whether we want to admit it or not, many of us thought we could change him, or be his guardian angel or something equally as silly, of those though, I would like to think most wake up to the fact and dump the guy like yesterday's trash.  Those who don't however, my advice to friends and family, the more you put this guy down, the faster your friend, daughter, sister etc., will run to him.  The best you can do is try to be there for her, and if you know there is abuse going on call Social Services the Police, a Battered women's shelter, she might hate you for a while, but she'll at least be alive to hate you.

As for the ones marrying prisoners in jail for life, HMMM, I often wonder is it a commitment problem, she wants all the prestige (maybe the wrong word ) of being married, but without actually having to live with the man, I'm not sure if that is a REAL marriage, or more of a farce, I'm not a psychologist, but it seems to me that if you want to pledge your life to someone, you should at least be able to see each other more than once a week, not his job, but because he's in jail.

Well maybe the Good Doc can give some insight when the episode airs.

 
January 13, 2007, 5:55 pm CST

I was a prison mama

I was married to a man in prison for murder.  We were married for 3 1/2 years (1988-1992).  It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  We had to get married by a notary.  There was a contract and we both signed it and a notary witnessed each signature.  There was no flowers, no pictures, no vows, no "you may kiss the bride", no family, no wedding night and definitely no honeymoon.  I met him through a friend who was writing to another inmate as a penpal.  I knew him for a year before I agreed to marry him.  He was going through a jail-house lawyer and convinced me that once the paperwork was done, he would be moved and we could have conjugal visits (pretty much the whole reason we got married).  The paperwork never got filed because the jailhouse lawyer moved.  He knew that I had physical needs that he could not meet and encouraged me to see other people and he said he wanted to know about it if I found someone.  I did find someone and luckily I never gave my husband his name.  He came so unglued he told me that he was going to escape from prison and come and get me and we would've had to live our life on the run.  I told him there was no way in hell I was going to live my life like that.  But I knew that if he came to my house and my "friend" was there, he'd lose it.  So I had to tell my friend all about this and he bought me a 357 magnum to protect myself and taught me how to shoot.  I don't believe in guns, but this was right after the "Make My Day" law went into effect in CO and I knew that my friend would shoot first and ask questions later (which was the content of this new law).  I didn't know what my husband would do, but I figured I could protect my friend if I had a gun and my husband showed up.  I was never afraid of my husband for my safety, but I felt I had to protect my friend.  I never took into consideration the feelings my friend had for me.  I knew he didn't want a committed relationship because my best friend worked with him and she set us up and that was what she told me.  I always was intimidated by him because I felt I wasn't good enough for him and I thought I was lucky for the comfort that he did give me.  One day towards the end, he said that all he wanted was to take me away and for me to shut up about my prison husband.  I was floored.  So my advise to all the ladies out there is to realize that even though men don't express themselves very well emotionally, that doesn't mean the feelings don't exist.  Don't let a bad boy ruin your chance for happiness.  People are in prison for a reason.  It took me a long time to come to the realization that even if he does get out, he couldn't contribute to my life the way a husband or boyfriend should.  It's not easy to get a job or an apartment if you are an ex-con.  The stigma is always there.  My family pretty much treats my marriage like it didn't exist.  I had to tell them in a letter that I got married because I couldn't handle a confrontation about it.  My mom is still scared to this day that he will show up on her doorstep and kill her.  After we got divorced I did not have any contact with him until my dad died 3 years later (1995).  I did not have anyone in my life that I could lean on, and I knew that he would listen and comfort me.  I felt like he wasn't going anywhere and I could have control of the situation.  All we could really ever do was talk.  It was really eerie how sometimes he knew me better than I knew myself.  He had a lot of characteristics that my dad did.  It is true that you marry your father.  My father abused me emotionally and verbally and I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 6.  My rapist told me that if I ever talked, no one would love me.  It still is hard for me to get past that, but therapy has definitely helped.  My husband and I had sexual abuse in common and that was a strong bond.  I have kept up correspondence with him, but I don't send him any money and I have made it perfectly clear that I can only give him my friendship and that is all.  He recently had a hit put on him from a prison gang that was a mistake.  The gang was actually after another person that had a similar last name.  He almost died and even though I am still listed as his next of kin, I was never contacted and the only reason I found out was because one day I decided to visit after about 9 months of no contact.  Turned out that he was flown to a hospital by Flight for Life and was actually in a hospital not 10 minutes from me and I never knew.  The Department of Corrections for Colorado fired the man that was in charge of the hobby shop (where the guy stabbed him) because this gang member was able to get into the hobby shop program and he didn't meet the requirements.  Even though my ex was moved throughout the system in CO, there was still 4 more attempts on his life.  Eventually he was moved to FL.  There is no trace of him anywhere in the CO Corrections system or the FL Corrections system for his safety.  He will be returning to CO for a jury trial against this person.  He wants me to be there.  Being divorced is different than being dead.  I haven't decided yet if I will be there.  I do know that I do not want to be in the courtroom because I don't want the bad guys to know who I am.  My point is this.  If you are involved with a prisoner, it consumes your life and it doesn't really end.  It's been almost 20 years now for me.  If you are involved with a prisoner, get a PO Box so that they do not know your physical location.  These guys know what to say to women - they say what they think we want to hear.  Chances are, you aren't the only one.  Break it off clean and hard.  Don't give them a chance to follow you the rest of your life like I did.  I feel like I lost my chance of a real family...the house with a white picket fence, a good husband and some kids.  Now I'm a lot older and my eggs are starting to hit their expiration date.  If you need someone to just listen to you, go to a therapist.  Realize that you do deserve to be loved and have a good life.
 
January 13, 2007, 6:33 pm CST

He's A good guy........

The guy isn't bad, the situation is. Addiction sometimes brings us to a place we never imagined we would go. Are there bad guys in prison, definately! But, on the other hand, there are also, good people there to. I happened to fall in love with a man that committed a crime, and as a result of that, a man that someone loved, someones son, brother, uncle,... ended up dead. Three men went to prison for it. One of those men happend to be the man I planned on growing old with. He's never been in trouble before. never even had a traffic ticket. That doesn't make what he did right, but, it doesn't make him bad. He is paying his restituation, and rightly so. I was devestated when the reality of what happened set in. Twenty years. I still haven't made room in my heart for anyone else. The one thing I have learned is that NO realtionship will ever thrive while one person is incarserated. It is impossible! A healthy relationship takes work. Can't work on issues from behind bars. If I could change anything, I would have paid more attention to MY needs. I don't have children, but if I did, I would like to think that no man, inside or out, would interfer with the well being of my children. If I could do the Dr Phil show over, that is one thing I would like to say to Sara. I also would like to think that I would NEVER allow myself to get involved with another person behind bars. I didn't expect this to happen, it is just an experience in my life,.... that happend to be mine. When this did happen, I wasn't emotionally well enough to deal with the situation in a healthy manner. Therefore my way of handeling it was very sick. With the help of friends and family, I have been able to learn from my experience,..... and help others.

 

I continue to work on myself in hopes that my future choices will be healthier ones......

 

Thanks To Those Who Have Supported Me,

Sincerely,

 

Darlene

 
January 13, 2007, 6:35 pm CST

HELP!

Quote From: bethtra

I used to love loser guys, I was cheated on, beaten up, degraded, humiliated and used. Then one day when I decided enough was enough I went to therapy, best thing I ever did. I found out that I was just repeating my pattern of what I thought was acceptable treatment because that's how my parents treated me. My mom was crazy and hurt me physically, emotionally and spirtitually, she beat me when she had a bad day at work, or was mad at my alcoholic father, she spit on me she told me I was a piece of  you know what and degraded me in front of people in some pretty horrible ways. My father told me many times he didn't like me because I looked like my mom. I had no support from anyone growing up cause the rest of my family was nuts as well. It has taken my a long time in therapy, as well as other support groups but it was so worth it, I am now in school completing my bachelors degree in nursing, and I am married to a man who treats me like a queen. My kids are doing much better and leading good and decent lives- I am very proud of them.  I thank God for good counseling and now have healthier friends as well ( I used to attract sick friends as well) LIFE IS GOOD- so what I am saying is just because we have people who are clueless about how to raise us, and lack consciences as to what they are doing to their children, we don't have to keep repeating history-Pray to God for the courage and willingness to change and I know he will help-God could and he would if he were sought-Be brave and break that awful cycle in your family it is so worth it I have a life I never knew I could have and no longer have to be a victim of this life - I am a participant. In my nursing practice I am hoping to give back to others the way I have been given to in my recovery--Peace to you my friends and may God bless you on this journey of life-signed-Happily ever after

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

 

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

 
January 13, 2007, 6:55 pm CST

"Been there and done that!"

I am 27 years old and I used to date nothing but "bad boys". You know the kind, into drugs and things like that. I was used, cheated on, beat on and left. When I was 17 I ended up pregnant and of course became a single mom. I am one of the few lucky ones who had my parents support to bring this child home to. One day as a guy I was seeing, yes he was a bad boy, went to pick my son up and my son started screaming like I had never heard before. At the time he was only about 2 months old. At that point something clicked with me. I not only had to make sure that I raised my son but I had to protect him from becoming a bad boy. I realized that I didn't want my son to grow up and become that, so why would I degrade myself to be around that. I can honestly say that my son is my angel sent from above. I was headed down the wrong path with dugs, sex and alcohol. When I had him I went from a kid to an adult in 7 1/2 months (he was early). I almost died having him which also made me realize that I couldn't mess around with bad boys, drugs etc. I met my husband when I was 17 but didn't know it then! He was a jock not a bad boy! When I was 19 we were reunited and he accepted my son as his own which won my heart over. I realized what I would of missed if I would of stayed on that dark path. I have been married for almost 8 years and have 3 great boys. My husband adopted my oldest and it is unbelievable how he loves him so much. He has been there since he was 9 months old. It's amazing how much the stress from then to know is so much different. I was always scared of being hit, or get caught up in something criminal, now I just worry about how I am going to get the kids to there footall practice! BAD BOYS AREN'T WORTH THE PAIN AND SUFFERING THAT THEY PUT WOMEN THROUGH. THE REASON WE DATE THEM IS BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SELF ESTEEM IN US TO THINK THAT WE DESERVE BETTER. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, WE DO. WE DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND HAVE SECURITY IN OUR LIVES.
Sincerley,

HAPPY AS CAN BE IN INDIANA
 
January 14, 2007, 5:06 am CST

We can only change ourselves

Quote From: keljan92

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

 

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

Others have said it well... trying to convince someone they're dating the wrong person is unproductive and may result in the opposite of what you're hoping for. In my humble opinion, a better approach would be to focus on what you CAN do...

  • you can make sure your children are never with the sex offender. 
  • you can make sure your children aren't left with your neice since she has exhibited bad judgement (e.g., her boyfriend may be there and she may run out to the store for something leaving your child with him)
  • you can let your neice know how you feel about her putting your children at risk and ask if it's something she would handle differently in the future. If not, I wouldn't allow my children to be around any men she dates until someone checked him out and made sure he wasn't a sex offender. 
  • if you see him behaving inappropriately you can tell the authorities.

Your neice is an adult and no one knows what her journey in life will be.  Maybe something bad has to happen before she changes her ways. In the meantime, protect the kids! Thanks for sharing your experience so others are aware of what can happen when people bring their dates to family events.

 
January 14, 2007, 7:54 am CST

01/18 Mr. Wrong

Quote From: keljan92

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

 

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

Wow!!! All I can say, is this type of guy is not a "bad boy", he is sick. I am so sorry to hear that your niece would choose such a man to be around her children. I am the one married to the man doing life, and people like my husband would not tolerate men that touch children. I have dated many "bad boys" and they all feel the same about sexual predators. If i were you, I would have social services step in if he is allowed to be around children. Sex offenders are NOT allowed to be around children at any time. Your niece is putting her family in harms way. I feel sorry for her, she must be looking through the eyes of being in love, but she will feel different when it starts to happen in her family. Please help her realize that he can NEVER change. There isn't any rehabilitation for those types. I pray everything works out for you and your family. It's gonna take a lot of convincing her and maybe drastic measures to remove her children if he stays around. Good luck!
 
January 14, 2007, 5:22 pm CST

01/18 Mr. Wrong

Quote From: keljan92

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

 

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

Is everybody aware of this guy and his sexual offenders status. What is he a sexual offender for? Are you sure he's a pedophile?
 
January 14, 2007, 6:37 pm CST

Not all bad............

Are there bad people in prison.......definitely!  However, sometimes good people end up in places they never imagined they would go. I met and fell in love with a man 19 years ago that is sitting in a prison cell for life. He comes from a good family, and has never been in trouble before. Does that make committing a crime acceptable,.....not at all.  A man with a loving family, someone's son, uncle, brother, father, was killed. In the blink of an eye, a life was lost, and as a result of that, another life is accountable. I didn't plan on falling in love with a man that would spend his human existence in a prison cell. As a matter of fact, it sounds so trivial even mentioning it, when you think about a mans life being taken.  I thought, in my heart that I was strong enough to endure the circumstances, and committed myself to making this relationship work. I had no clue the "hugeness" of what it was I was up against. When I fell short of my expectations, I considered myself weak. I discovered, through my experience over the last 19 years, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with a person that is incarcerated. Relationships need to be paid attention to. Growing together. The one thing I would have done different, If I could go back 19 years, is paid more attention to what MY needs were. I still, to this day, have not made room in my heart, for any one else. My choices over the years were based on what "he" would think, or how "he" would feel. As a result of that, I gave up many opportunities. No regrets. I learned a lot about myself over the years, and have what was, and is MY experience. I hope, from what I learned, that no other woman will ever treat herself with the dis-respect that I treated myself with. Also, unlike Sara, I would NEVER allow this to happen a second time, never mind a third. Another thing, I don't know for sure, but, I would like to think, that if I had children, no man, inside or out,...... would EVER interfere with the well being of my children!  My wish for Sara is that one day she will see her worth and esteem, so that her beautiful children will not pay the price for her settling for less. You deserve better Sara!!!

 

DARLENE.......

 

P.S. I hope my appearance on the Dr Phil show will help others to see that this is about   "Loving Yourself" enough, to do what is in your best interest.

 

 

 
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