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Topic : 01/19 Young Moms Ask the Experts

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Created on : Friday, January 12, 2007, 02:26:43 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Young moms have a million questions about their little ones, from, “How do I stop the temper tantrums?” to “What do I do if my child just won’t eat?” Dr. Phil enlists the help of a family of experts in the field of pediatrics: Dr. William Sears and sons, Dr. James Sears, and Dr. Robert Sears. Collectively they’ve written 50 books that cover anything and everything a mom or dad could ever want to know. Together they field questions from young mothers. First, Angela says her 3-year-old daughter, Ellie, has been a screamer since the day she was born. Could Ellie’s temperament be the result of Angela’s feelings toward her at birth? Then, Robert and Wendy argue over what to do with their baby’s night crying. Robert claims Wendy runs to their 4 ½-month-old son, Ethan, at every whimper, sigh and cry. Wendy says Robert just doesn’t get it -- and why would he? She says he just sleeps right through it. Plus, Lisa says she’s terrified of germs and takes every precaution to keep her kids from getting sick. Her husband, Michael, says “Enough already!” Who’s right? Learn the answers to these and other parenting dilemmas and share your own concerns here.

For more information, visit http://www.askdrsears.com.

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January 19, 2007, 7:58 am CST

A couple questions...

Hi. I am a 23 year old mother of two beautiful children. I have a two year old and a seven month old and they are great kids most of the time. I have a couple questions for the experts: My two year old is extrememly smart... sometimes she surprises me at things she says. She is stubborn and knows what she wants and likes to push my buttons. I can't get her to potty train at all... she did for a while but then just refused. I have tried EVERYTHING that I could think of and what people have told me to do. Should I just wait for her to tell me when she is ready? Also... she likes to throw fits every once in a while and things I do don't seem to work. I have tried time out... she just screams more... I try spanking her... I get the same reaction. It gets to where I finally just put her in her bed and walk out. What do you think I should do about this? OK... one more question... like I said, my daughter was 2 in November and she still has her "passi" when she sleeps. I put her into her "big girl bed" at two but i'm dreading taking away the passi. She goes to bed so well and I don't want to mess that up. I have tried telling her that they are for babies and I have also tried cutting one and telling her it was broken. Do I just take it away and listen to her cry at night and during naps? Thanks for any advice you can give.
 
January 19, 2007, 8:13 am CST

trust and try new things

I am the mother of two wonderful children. being a mother is tough but there are things i found help. With the sleeping thing and SIDS, my babies were premature (28 wks) and I was scared of all the horror stories. My son slept in our room in a bassinet until he was 10months. He never slept in our bed but to keep my mind at ease i tried to sleep with my arm in the bassinet but that got painful. so I thought and thought and decided to bundle him up and on his stomach place a light weight stuffed animal and when he would make a noise I would open my eyes and if the stuffed animal was moving up and down I knew he was fine. I really only got him out of bed for feedings. I also had a mommy bear that had the womb sound which would always help his crying. I also found wrapping him like a papoose it helped him from flinching and scaring him awake. When my daughter came I did the animal again and papoose and slept better with the second child. I always found getting up and down all the time made me more tired and irritable, and either took it out on my husband or the baby. So having them close and in ear shot and comfort made it easier to get rest.
 
January 19, 2007, 8:22 am CST

Colic

I was 21 when I had my first child, a daughter. Being young and inexperienced, when my daughter was 2 and a half months old she would cry for hours and it always seemed to happend towards late afternoon. I talked to my mother about it and she said it sounded like colic. She told me that it was probably cause of the milk I was giving her. So I called the doctor and I told him what was going on and I thought that it would be a good idea to change her milk, cause I thought that might be the reason why she was colic. He told me that he didn't think it would be a good idea to change her formula, cause he didn't think that was the reason she had colic. Well I didn't listen to the doctors, sometimes what the doctor doesn't know doesn't hurt him. So I went and got a different formula, I bought lactose free formula. Since you don't want to just stop the other formula and start a new one, cause if you change there formula too many times it will upset there stomachs. So, I would still fix her other formula which was similac with iron, and then fix the lactose free formula. I would give her about 3 ounces of her regular formula and then about an ounce of the lactose free. I did that for 2 days until I was down to giving an ounce of her regular formula to 3 ounces of lactose free formula. The third day all I gave her was the lactose free formula. Since she had been getting the regular formula for 2 and a half months it took about a month to to get her little tummy soothed. There is a little secret that some people don't know about that does help little ones that have colic. It isn't a drug, but the things that are in it help soothe them somehow, not sure how it does it but it works. The secret is Cat-Nip Tea. You can get it at a nutritional store. All you do is boil some water, pour the water into a cup, about 4 ounces. Then you add a tea bag, while it is still hot add just a pinch of sugar to give it a little taste, otherwise they won't drink it. It doesn't taste good without a little bit of sweetner. Let it sit there until it cools off enough to put it in the bottle. Then you can give it to them once they start crying, when you know that they are in pain. I think it gives a coating to there little tummies to help absorb some of the milk so it doesn't upset there tummies. It was a life saver until she got over being colic. I mostly would give it to her when we would have to go out somewhere in the evening or to church. I am sure glad that I decided to change her milk when she was little, cause when she was a year old and I started introducing whole milk to her, soon after she would drink it it would come right back up. Her stomach refused the milk. Knowing that she needed milk cause of the nurtients that were in it, I would add a little chocolate syrup to it and it didn't bother her. I though it was weird that she could handle chocolate milk but not plain milk. Although I knew too much chocolate isn't good for toddlers, she drank alot of apple juice. I thought I would just share my story with ya'll, hoping that it helps anyone with a colic baby. Of course sometimes it could be more than just colic. But if you do take your baby to the doctor and they rule out any major problems and just say that it is colic, try switching your baby's formula to a lactose free formula, and during the process of doing this give them some cat-nip tea, it will help them to relax and stop the crying. I hope my story helps anyone that feels like they are going crazy cause they can't help there child with colic. Good luck, and remember don't let the crying drive you crazy if you have a husband give him the baby and just take some time to yourself to regroup and then you can go back to soothing your little one.
 
January 19, 2007, 8:23 am CST

breast milk

Quote From: katwage13827

I have a real problem with all the baby doctors.  They all seem to be experts saying that  "all babies" do this...or " all babies" do that.  The truth of the matter is that  " all babies" are different.  I am 33 years old I have one son but have raised many children since the time that I was 17 years old.  They say that breast milk is best for babies and that if they dont get that then there is just a bunch of health problems that they will have.  Well I'm sure that breast milk is best, but what do you tell a young mother that has just had a baby and her milk never came in.  That happened to me.  I raised my son on formula, switched him to milk when the formula wasnt enough at 6 months, because he was still hungry.  He is now going to be 12 in February.  I think I can count maybe 10 times he was really sick.  He has never had earaches and has always been an incredibly happy child.  The rule of thumb that I have always followed with every child that I have raised is basically using common sense.  I never jumped and coddled the baby as soon as he cried because babies will control a parent with that.  Children in my opinion learn manipulation very early.  " If I cry...I get this" be it attention, bottle, changed or whatever.  I would usually let my son cry for at least 5 minutes before I would actually go to take care of him.  As far as letting the baby sleep in the bed with the parents, One thing that the doctors on this show never covered was the amount of babies that are killed every year by parents accidently rolling over and smothering them.  The biggest problem I think in raising children in this world today is all the  "experts" that are out there.  One day something is good for them, the next day it isnt.  I feel so sorry for these parents that actually listen to these reports and live there lives by them.  I would tell any person that wasnt sure about something, go with your gut instinct and common sense.   And after that if your still not sure....talk to grandma, mom...somebody that's been doing it awhile. 

 

  I'm kind of sick and tired of hearing, "Do what's best for you."  As a parent you don't do what's best for you, that's part of being a responsible adult and parent entrusted to meet the needs of a child that is relying on you.  Breast milk is BEST and less than 1 percent of mom's can't breastfeed.  Yes, the first week or 2 are difficult for all moms and many give up.  What is wrong with meeting your child's needs?  If they are crying to get a bottle it's because they are hungry.  If they are crying to get a diaper change, they need changed.  Do you want to sit in poop?  If your child is seeking comfort and you hold him you are teaching him he can rely on you and the world for meeting his emotional needs.  It's not all about you as a parent.  It is a job and no one said it's supposed to be easy. Having a degree in early childhood education I learned to look not at my view as a parent, but from the point of my child and understanding what is going to help him develop and grow as a person that will have a strong sense of self and contribute to the world.  If you want to teach compassion you first must model it.  Thank God for the experts that can convey the research to the public and to the mother's that didn't go to school for 4 years to learn about how to help their children flourish.

 
January 19, 2007, 8:34 am CST

Angela you are not alone THERE IS HOPE

Angela, I hope you read this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I UNDERSTAND how you feel. I am a mom of 4. (3 girls and a boy). I felt this way with my second child. I let her scream a lot more than I ever want to admit when we were home.  It didn't feel fair to the other children and I felt I was a failure and everyone else knew it. I felt I wasn't trying hard enough, or the right thing. Or maybe I was just a bad mom inside and she was smart enough to know it. I felt my husband thought I egged it on (and at my worst---when she was older--maybe 1 1/2--I sometimes did do things that I knew were going to escalate it because I was tired.  Tired of trying. Tired of dealing with it. Tired of "catering" to her.). I felt my husband saw me as a bad mom. I felt he had it easier and I felt she was better for him because she didn't like me. (In truth, partly it was because he was calmer and his calmness made her relax a bit). She was so "strong-willed" as an infant! At 10 weeks old we were told to add cereal to her formula because of constant reflux.  This caused a firm stoole and she stopped pooping on her own.  She screamed non-stop.  We thought she could not poop.  At 10 months old I had quit my job and the doctors were discussing her needing a calostomy.  They did a test (which felt like I was allowing them just to torture her) and found that when her body told her bowel she needed to "go" she used her brain to tell her anal muscles not to let it happen.  We were given a r/x and she had loose diareah for 3-5 months and once she stopped trying to "control" her body we slowly introduced age appropriate food and she is fine.  But through this all I resented her.  Her screaming. Her neediness. My older daughter got less and less of me. We put off having another child because she was so demanding. (our first two are 21 months apart and our last two are 14 months appart but between child 2 and 3 there is 3 years.  Even after this particular problem was solved E was ALWAYS screaming. She was sqealing with delight or howling with discontent. We started going on and just living with it. At about 4 or 5 she started asking why  in all the candid pictures of our family she was crying. "Because the picture is the way it is.You are always crying but we can't just stop remembering and not have pictures."  This first resulted in her screaming to put any camera away or her running from the room but then she started saying "wait" and she'd dry her tears, take a deep breath and smile.  The calming down for the camera turned into a bit of a habit and over time she has become a calmer child. As I had more children and was around more children I became calmer, and I was forced to let her go sometimes instead of trying to "negotiate". I know her as a person now.  I know she doesn't handle unexpected change well.  I do NOT negotiate with her. But, I will tell her what "might" happen and why and then explain to her why our day is changing. At first this too felt like a lot of work but ahe is 10. Now, she and I have the closest relationship. She understands more about life and I understand more about her. She is not afraid to ask me anything. She no longer has tantrums of any kind.  Angela, HAVE HOPE. IT IS WORTH THE WORK.(p.s. i am catholic and i prayed a lot and when I saw my house getting out of control I would do two things. 1) LOUDLY sing "Grant us PEACE" and 2) just keep moving.  I didn't have to like it but I had to do it.  Clean, cook, play, just keep moving.)

 
January 19, 2007, 8:41 am CST

Be open to new ideas

Being a mother of two children is a blessing but can be rough at times. My children were born early (28 wks) and when i brought them home I to was scared of all the SIDS horror stories. With my son I put him next to my side of the bed in a bassinet until he was 10 months. I first started to sleep with my arm in the bassinet but soon that became painful so I thought and thought and came up with the papoose and stuffed animal trick. The papoose helped him feel safe and confined and prevented jerking and twitching that would scare him awake, and the stuffed animal would be placed on his belly ( a small light weight stuffed animal) and every time he would make a noise I would open my eyes and if the animal was going up and down I knew he was okay. I also had a mommy bear with the womb sound and that help sooth his crying. I continued the same act with my daughter  and i have to admit a me tired and irritable and them I would either take it out on my husband or the child. Getting sleep is the key to being a good mother. always sleep when the baby sleeps that was what my mother told me all the time. I have other parenting ideas that worked for me if you need any more advise feel free to post.
 
January 19, 2007, 8:49 am CST

01/19 Young Moms Ask the Experts

Quote From: katwage13827

I have a real problem with all the baby doctors.  They all seem to be experts saying that  "all babies" do this...or " all babies" do that.  The truth of the matter is that  " all babies" are different.  I am 33 years old I have one son but have raised many children since the time that I was 17 years old.  They say that breast milk is best for babies and that if they dont get that then there is just a bunch of health problems that they will have.  Well I'm sure that breast milk is best, but what do you tell a young mother that has just had a baby and her milk never came in.  That happened to me.  I raised my son on formula, switched him to milk when the formula wasnt enough at 6 months, because he was still hungry.  He is now going to be 12 in February.  I think I can count maybe 10 times he was really sick.  He has never had earaches and has always been an incredibly happy child.  The rule of thumb that I have always followed with every child that I have raised is basically using common sense.  I never jumped and coddled the baby as soon as he cried because babies will control a parent with that.  Children in my opinion learn manipulation very early.  " If I cry...I get this" be it attention, bottle, changed or whatever.  I would usually let my son cry for at least 5 minutes before I would actually go to take care of him.  As far as letting the baby sleep in the bed with the parents, One thing that the doctors on this show never covered was the amount of babies that are killed every year by parents accidently rolling over and smothering them.  The biggest problem I think in raising children in this world today is all the  "experts" that are out there.  One day something is good for them, the next day it isnt.  I feel so sorry for these parents that actually listen to these reports and live there lives by them.  I would tell any person that wasnt sure about something, go with your gut instinct and common sense.   And after that if your still not sure....talk to grandma, mom...somebody that's been doing it awhile. 
Actually, there are FEWER cases of SIDS by cosleeping parents because they're right there, and feel/hear when something is wrong with their child.  The contraindications for cosleeping are those who are obese, who sleep very heavily, and/or are intoxicated--and the FEW times that cosleeping deaths have occurred, it's usually been one or three of the above. Believe me, it's just as safe as sleeping in a crib if common sense is used, which is what we've used with each of our children. And....contrary to what some who have never tried cosleeping will tell you.....it doesn't mean you'll never be able to get your kids out of your bedroom when you want to.  My very jittery first child was a NICU baby and only slept well with skin-to-skin contact with my husband or myself, and we in fact were able to give her a sense of security that allowed her to sleep better and move to her own room earlier than if we'd done what most US doctors besides the Sears' will tell you, and left her alone in her own room.  When it comes to mothering and parenting, the rest of the world's been keeping babies close during sleep for millions of years...the idea of sticking the baby in a room by themself to sleep or letting them CIO is actually the technique that's the most questionable to me and really has no history or rationale to working.

On that note-crying is the only way a young infant has to communicate their needs--and responding to an infant is simply meeting their needs. I am not coddling any of my four children (I've added one since I created this user name) because I don't let them scream and cry until they throw up, or nurse my daughter when she's crying to be fed.  They're all actually excellent sleepers and eaters, and I do believe it's in large part to having their needs met from the beginning when they needed those needs met.  They have a sense of security that's allowed them to be much more independent than if I chose to be unresponsive to their needs--something I've also found true in my work with infants and toddlers.  I also don't find anything wrong with saying breast is best....nobody's smacking down those who didn't have a good support system available to help succeed, were pressured into doing formula, or simply chose to not breastfeed.  They're just saying that statisically, breastfed babies have fewer illnesses--not any different than saying that those who are nonsmokers are healthier, or that if one chooses to exercise, it'll improve their health as well.
 
January 19, 2007, 9:00 am CST

01/19 Young Moms Ask the Experts

Quote From: tkay81

 

  I'm kind of sick and tired of hearing, "Do what's best for you."  As a parent you don't do what's best for you, that's part of being a responsible adult and parent entrusted to meet the needs of a child that is relying on you.  Breast milk is BEST and less than 1 percent of mom's can't breastfeed.  Yes, the first week or 2 are difficult for all moms and many give up.  What is wrong with meeting your child's needs?  If they are crying to get a bottle it's because they are hungry.  If they are crying to get a diaper change, they need changed.  Do you want to sit in poop?  If your child is seeking comfort and you hold him you are teaching him he can rely on you and the world for meeting his emotional needs.  It's not all about you as a parent.  It is a job and no one said it's supposed to be easy. Having a degree in early childhood education I learned to look not at my view as a parent, but from the point of my child and understanding what is going to help him develop and grow as a person that will have a strong sense of self and contribute to the world.  If you want to teach compassion you first must model it.  Thank God for the experts that can convey the research to the public and to the mother's that didn't go to school for 4 years to learn about how to help their children flourish.

Well stated & I agree.
 
January 19, 2007, 9:04 am CST

Overweight Child

My granddaughter is 5.  She has been overweight since one year old.  She currently weights 80 lbs. and although she is very tall for her age we are concerned.  Weight is an issue on both sides of the family, so we would like to help her now.  Her doctor doesn't seem concerned, but after they stayed with us for a week last year, and it appeared she never was full.  Right after a meal, she was asking for more food, saying she was still hungry. When she was small, her other grandparents too her out to eat alot, and instead of purchasing a childs meal, they purchased her an adult meal. In fact, she would eat until she was physically ill.  They do not eat fast food.

 

Her parents are trying to limit her intake of food, and give her healthy choices, but could she have something medically wrong?  She is an excellent eater, including salads and fruits.  They have her involved in tennis leasons, and she is walking everyday to school, so she is getting exercise.

 

Are we concerned without reason, or can we give your parents additional tips??

 
January 19, 2007, 9:10 am CST

01/19 Young Moms Ask the Experts

Quote From: katwage13827

I have a real problem with all the baby doctors.  They all seem to be experts saying that  "all babies" do this...or " all babies" do that.  The truth of the matter is that  " all babies" are different.  I am 33 years old I have one son but have raised many children since the time that I was 17 years old.  They say that breast milk is best for babies and that if they dont get that then there is just a bunch of health problems that they will have.  Well I'm sure that breast milk is best, but what do you tell a young mother that has just had a baby and her milk never came in.  That happened to me.  I raised my son on formula, switched him to milk when the formula wasnt enough at 6 months, because he was still hungry.  He is now going to be 12 in February.  I think I can count maybe 10 times he was really sick.  He has never had earaches and has always been an incredibly happy child.  The rule of thumb that I have always followed with every child that I have raised is basically using common sense.  I never jumped and coddled the baby as soon as he cried because babies will control a parent with that.  Children in my opinion learn manipulation very early.  " If I cry...I get this" be it attention, bottle, changed or whatever.  I would usually let my son cry for at least 5 minutes before I would actually go to take care of him.  As far as letting the baby sleep in the bed with the parents, One thing that the doctors on this show never covered was the amount of babies that are killed every year by parents accidently rolling over and smothering them.  The biggest problem I think in raising children in this world today is all the  "experts" that are out there.  One day something is good for them, the next day it isnt.  I feel so sorry for these parents that actually listen to these reports and live there lives by them.  I would tell any person that wasnt sure about something, go with your gut instinct and common sense.   And after that if your still not sure....talk to grandma, mom...somebody that's been doing it awhile. 
Oh come on now, let's be serious here. I don't think for one second my month old grandson is manipulating my daughter when he cries. He is experiencing some sort of discomfort and THAT is the ONLY WAY he has of communicating. And if we didn't have those "experts" there is a lot of useful information we wouldn't have.  The key to using the "expert advice" is to know your child and apply the correct solution to your situation. Personally, while I love my mother VERY MUCH, some of her advice wasn't good at all. And while I've had 3 kids and have been DOING IT longer than 33 years I can't help her  as much as I would like. And for GUT INSTINCT and COMMON SENSE, well sadly there's a whole lot of people out there who just don't have any.
 
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