Quote From: lbmovingupI usually just like to read the post to the message boards, but I just had to make a reply to this one. To me your response is truly amazing. Actually, it is quite funny to me. It makes me wonder if you are a guy pretending to be a woman, so you can support the distruptive things men do in their marriages. I am so tired of people trying to make women bend and twist to become someone they are not, or simply belittle themselves to please a man. I am glad you stuck it out through the troubles of your marriage, and that you are now a happy and healthy couple. I want to hit on a few key points - firsly you mentioned you quit trying to change your husband and changed yourself instead - good for you, but what is wrong with a man changing their bitter , nasty, selfish ways? and how exactly did you change? If you are not the one being rude, inconsiderate, manipulative etc etc then why should you change? I don't think pride has anything to do with being someone's doormat. Matter-of-fact, I think it is just the opposite, I think women should get some pride and a back bone and quit putting up with this mess we pass off as being OK for men. Another point I want to mention - you stated we are not being the noblest of wives in the world. I would say no one is perfect, however, what exactly do you mean? Are you speaking for yourself because you felt guilty about your actions in your marriage? If so, please make that clear, because it is not fair for you to sum it up for all of us. I too want to enjoy my relationship with God in all aspects of my life, and I also want to enjoy my relationship with my husband. As Dr. Phil always say, we teach people how to treat us.
Now, I don't want to give you the impression that I have not been through anything, so let me give you a quick run-down of my experiences and why I so stronly disagree with your advice. I am 35 year old mother of 3, and I have been married for 10 years. My husband is one of those people who turns a good side to the outside world but show a coompletely different side at home. We are both christians and have been for a long time. My husband has been a mean, selfish, cheating person for the entire time. I remember years ago I would go along with whatever he did because I thought that was my place as a christian woman. My husband did the same thing as the husband mentioned in the inital post. He would pick at everything I did and I would adjust, even though there was no adjustment to be made. He would get mad about the slightest thing and not speak to me for weeks on end. In the mist of all this he has had numerous affairs, too many to count. For our entire marriage I have spent too many nights crying and too many special days not being spoken too.
Well my dear, I have had enough. I recently found out about another affair this past summer and I am DONE. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 9 years, and I am heading back to work, taking my 3 kids and leaving his behind. Now that I have decided to do this he wants to change. I guess he figured I would always put up with it...that was until I put my foot down. This tells me he has always had the ability to do better but choose not to simply because it was working for him. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US. It seems to me as though the thought of paying child support and alimony would cause a person to come to their senses.
Oh yes...before I forget, I too have a couple bible verses for you.
Ephisians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Ephisian 5:28 - In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself
Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them
I am sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine what it would be like to be cheated on all the time. I don't understand exactly why you took my advice personal to your situation. This girl didn't mention being cheated on or physically abused or anything like that. She wanted her marriage to be better. I gave her advice that I myself have put into practice in my own home. I have seen the fruit of that and my marriage is now very fulfilling.
But in regards to focusing on changing yourself. Even Dr. Phil says it only takes one person to change a relationship. In his book he talks about changing yourself. The reality is that whether it be the husband or the wife, if one will make the commitment to changing themself, in time the other spouse will often start to soften and change as well. Unfortunately most of us are so fixated on what the other person is doing wrong that we are totally blind to our own faults. We will admit that we aren't perfect. But our husband's sin stinks a whole lot worse than our own. Or in the case of a husband all he can see is his wife's faults. Sin is sin. It all stinks. And all of us do it. I have just simply laid aside my self -righteous pride.
I would ask a question though. How have your efforts to change your husband worked for you? It is so hard to change even ourselves; impossible without Jesus' help. Attempting to change someone else only causes them to become embittered and resentful towards whoever is trying to change them. The Bible says several times in Proverbs that a nagging wife is a constant dripping. (I would say the same of a nagging husband) Also that it is better to live on the corner of a roof than with a contentious and vexing woman. I simply took a look at myself and realized that I often nagged my husband to change this and that. When he didn't seem interested in making the good changes I believed were necessary, and many of those things really are good and necessary, I became bitter and resentful. I became this "vexing and contentious" woman. This in turn heated up the hostility in our marriage making him more stubborn and me more nagging and angry. Then he would get angry. Do you see the vicious cycle? We either fought or ignored each other. And let's not even mention the horrible sex. It just doesn't work. Trying to change people is a lost cause. I would recommend the advice given in 1 Peter Chapter 3. The only hope we have is that they may be won over by our chaste and respectful behaviour. The Bible says we are not to be overcome by evil but that we are to overcome evil with good.
I'm not sure what gave you the impression that I am a doormat. My husband would be the first to say that I am not. I never said cater to your husband's selfish whims. And I would certainly never suggest that a woman or man for that matter should stay married to someone who refused to be faithful. Even Jesus said a spouse is free to go in that situation. It sounds to me like you should've left a long time ago.
I think many in the church have falsely depicted that women are to suffer silently and to passively go with the flow in whatever their husbands want. Man or woman, we are to be like Christ and he was no pushover. But that doesn't mean giving way to bitterness and resentment. I have been down that road. It leads only to more trouble. You say you are a Christian. The Bible gives all kinds of advice on how to handle just about any kind of situation. Those are the changes I am talking about making. I chose to obey God no matter what my husband was doing. Sometimes that actually created some problems because my husband didn't want to obey God in some situations. He learned real quick that if he put me in a position where I had to chose between obeying him or obeying God, my husband was going to lose. But I tried to be very careful not be self-righteous about it. I gently pointed out what the scriptures said and told him I couldn't go along with his suggestion. Those times weren't easy. On one occasion I thought he would leave me. And though I loved him I would've let him go. That's why I said things got worse before they got better. Our goal can't be to try and make our husband into the perfect man. Our goal should be to make ourselves a godly wife. Godly doesn't mean a wimpy pushover.
As far as our kids being affected by what their parents do, no one knows that better than me. My mother was married multiple times before I reached the age of 18 and my father didn't have much to do with us. I was a very angry person. I used to live in constant fear that every little mistake me or my husband made would ruin our kids for life. That only increased the tension in the family. To put in short I tried to control everything and hold it together so that all would be well and my kids would turn out ok. I wanted to spare them some of what I went through growing up. All of my efforts were a joke. If my husband blew it with the kids I was all over him for it. This made him an even more apathetic and disintersted father. When He disciplined them he would sometimes go overboard. Then I would flip out on him and throw more gas on the fire. The Bible says that a gentle answer turns away wrath. I found this to be far more effective at calming my husband down than yelling at him and pointing out all of his failures as a husband and father. My husband still isn't a perfect man. But I can honestly say that he is a wonderful husband and father. I didn't get that by demanding him to get his act together or else. Believe me, I tried. I got that by treating him with dignity and respect even when he blew it. It doesn't mean that I condone bad behavior on his part or the kids. My husband also lets me know when I am not doing what is right too. But we respect each other and give each other room to make mistakes. That creates a lot of trust in the marriage. It also makes mistakes happen a lot less and with less severity because we both know that we are commited to each other and are no longer enemies. The best thing a mother and father can do for their kids is treat the other parent with dignity and respect and to go into damage control when somebody blows it. That's what grace is all about.
I understand that you are very hurt and angry at what your husband has done and rightly so. But I hope and pray that you will forgive him for your own spiritual and emotional health. It's not easy but with God's help you can and will. That doesn't mean staying married to him. It just means letting the anger go so that it doesn't eat you alive. I hope this clarifies some things for you.
God Bless You.
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