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Topic : 06/27 Problem Parent or Problem Child?

Number of Replies: 169
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Created on : Friday, January 19, 2007, 01:23:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/24/07) Do you find yourself wondering where your relationship with your child went wrong? You say it’s your child. Your child says it’s you. Who’s to blame? Dr. Phil uncovers where the problem lies in these families. Penny says her life is in shambles because her 17-year-old son, Jason, is extremely threatening and violent. Jason says his mother is a lazy alcoholic, and all he has ever wanted was to feel loved by her. Penny’s sister, Jackie, says Penny has a drinking problem and wants the mother and son to get help before they kill each other. Then, Kim has three sons –- 14, 2 and 15 months -- but says she loves her middle son, Cullen, the most. She has pictures of him all over her house, but not her other two sons. She takes Cullen to bed with her at night, while the baby cries himself to sleep in his own room, and she buys Cullen new clothes, while her youngest gets hand-me-downs. Her oldest son says he has felt neglected his whole life and is worried the baby will feel that way too. Kim’s friend, Starlette, says Kim’s baby has even started calling her Mama. What’s behind Kim’s favoritism, and why does she feel justified? Share your thoughts here.

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January 26, 2007, 10:26 am CST

Favoritism or emotional incest?

My husband was a "favorite son" to his mother.  He was her "first-born."  She attached to him because her husband was emotionally detached and avoidant.   She  slept with my husband until he started school (keeping him home an extra year---no kindergarten---to help her do housework and raise two more siblings.)

 

He was denied the right to have his own friends of his own age, to participate in sports (even when the coach offered to give him a ride to baseball practice).   He did not date in high school or college but threw himself into his studies.   He was extremely introverted and lacked normal social skills in college.  He became a doctor (compensatory narcissist) and a convicted wife batterer.  

 

How does therapy ever give him back the right to a childhood or a healthy marriage?

 

I feel that our marriage was destroyed by her emotionally incestuous behavior.   My husband grew into an avoidant, passive aggressive  man who expresses no emotion but anger.   He is a tense, walled-off person.   One can understand how that came to be his plight, our plight.

 

Now I ask you:  do children have a birth-right to a loving, healthy childhood, a right not to be used to meet the emotional needs of troubled adults?

 

Everyone pays for emotional incest but the abuser.

 

 

 

 

 
January 26, 2007, 3:19 pm CST

hey

Quote From: bactphd95

At 6 y/o, 4'6" and 64#, she sounds almost as big as my 11 y/o (granted, mine is small for her age). She & I picked out training bras a while back "just in case" she felt it necessary. Try the "girls 7-16" department at a mid-range department store, they should be in with the underwear.

 

If your daughter is feeling self-conscious at 6, she may well take to the training bras as sufficient cover. However, something seems quite amiss, on the basis of your sequence of posts. I believe other posters have mentioned this as well.

amiss??
 
January 26, 2007, 4:24 pm CST

01/24 Problem Parent or Problem Child?

Quote From: readmore

My husband was a "favorite son" to his mother.  He was her "first-born."  She attached to him because her husband was emotionally detached and avoidant.   She  slept with my husband until he started school (keeping him home an extra year---no kindergarten---to help her do housework and raise two more siblings.)

 

He was denied the right to have his own friends of his own age, to participate in sports (even when the coach offered to give him a ride to baseball practice).   He did not date in high school or college but threw himself into his studies.   He was extremely introverted and lacked normal social skills in college.  He became a doctor (compensatory narcissist) and a convicted wife batterer.  

 

How does therapy ever give him back the right to a childhood or a healthy marriage?

 

I feel that our marriage was destroyed by her emotionally incestuous behavior.   My husband grew into an avoidant, passive aggressive  man who expresses no emotion but anger.   He is a tense, walled-off person.   One can understand how that came to be his plight, our plight.

 

Now I ask you:  do children have a birth-right to a loving, healthy childhood, a right not to be used to meet the emotional needs of troubled adults?

 

Everyone pays for emotional incest but the abuser.

 

 

 

 

I understand what you mean.

I have stories aboout people I know who was  the favorite and they are not nice stories.  not going to take the time to post it but here is an idea:

My brother In law, his sister was the favorite, could do no wrong, got everything she wanted, spoiled brat, now being investigated for abusing her elderly parents, one mental the other alztimers (sp?) informed our nephew who is 18 that he wasn't aloud to have a girl friend or get married becuse he had to be availbale to take care of her when she was old, LOL of course heisn't listening to her, but she is very possessive, still to this day,s he throws tantrums and she is in her early 40's

My dad's sister (not my real dad) she could do no wrong, dad held back a year in school, heaven forbid if he got allt eh attention on graduation dady, she was never made to lifet a finger to help on the farm or int he house, valedictorian of her class, voted most likely to succeed, made a B in college and started drinking and taking drugs, lives ont he street, no desire to be around family, so much for for "most likely to succeed"

Parents ruin their kids whent hey fvor their kids, chances are, the ones they favor will have nothing to do with them, they will have a nervous break down or something when they fail, the one who was the out cast, will rebell, they will either live a messed up life feeling worthless or they will set out to prove everyone wrong which is similar to what I did, and succeeded.

Whatever the case, parents must parent and love and respect their kids and when they do, chances are they will all be happy for the most part........................................................
 
January 28, 2007, 5:36 am CST

No excuse for abuse

When I hear 17-year-old Jason talk to his mother, it brought back the hundreds of times I heard the same and worse things from my teenage son. I understand he is angry at his mother and she hasn't parented well because of her drinking. But what if that were her husband speaking to her that way? We would villify him because he refused to accept her illness and try to be supportive and help her overcome her problems. Well, there's no reason for Jason at his age not to recognize badgering, belittling, name-calling and verbal abuse are not acceptable ways to handle your anger. I was a devoted mom; I didn't drink, run around; my son had everything I could offer, including counseling and total support for every endeavor, and his abuse and wall-hitting and threats became intolerable. He was and is very manipulative; if you talked to him, he would convince you in a heartbeat his mom was a worthless "B" and all he wanted was to be loved. All he truly wanted was to control with guilt to get what he wanted. Parenting, ie. trying to make him remotely responsible, go to school, work, get decent grades, be respectful to others was met with "you are a horrible parent" and a slew of foul names and epithets. As he got older, I listened as he did the same thing to his girlfriends and friends. He's 17 now and as much as I love him and hated to have to do it, I had to send him to live with his pretty much absent father before the house was destroyed and I got hurt. Meanwhile, I have no idea how long it will take me to get over the emotional and verbal abuse. Jason needs help, yes, as does his mother. But feeling sorry for him isn't the answer. Teaching him to be responsible for his actions and behaviors would go a long way toward helping both of them.
 
January 29, 2007, 1:49 pm CST

favoritsm

I Cant belive that this mother openly shares that she has a favorite child. Honestly i think that Eventually her other two children will rebel against her and their other sibling who is getting all the attention. And this wont work out for anybody, i think maybe she should have gave her other children for adoption they would probably be much happier.
 
January 29, 2007, 5:21 pm CST

Beware to those paretns who have favorites

The two favorites in my family, well one is on drugs, high school drop out, has 6 kids, involving 5 different fathers, can't decide if she is gay or straight and her kids, unfortunately are following suit. The second favorite, is living with his mommy at the age of 42, can't hold a job and eats nothing but junk food and weighs about 300 lbs and has many health issues.

The least favorite of the whole family, has a college degree amogst many other classes under her belt, has had great postions, good work ethic, good solid friendships, a happy and healthy marriage with two beautiful kids both with he same father, and a good self image. Still teh least favorite but hey, life is good when priorities are set and one has good support, deosn't have to come from family,w ould have been nice but that doesn't always happen, just don't expect the least favorite to cater to you when you are old and sick, though some of us have some compassion and can't stand for another to be sick, but understandbaly, there are those who were treated like crap who just doesn't care about those who abused them and who can blame them?

Parents need to get real, if you can't love and respect your kids, then don't have them and if  you do have them, give them to some one who can love and care for them as they deserve, I guarentee,t hat your children will grow up and have more love and respect fo ryou if you chose this route instead of the abusive route, believeme, I would have appreciated it more, but instead some of us had to grow up in a poor family life, all in the name of choosing a favorite but in the end, in my case, I was the one who came out the winner...........

To those of you  who might be reading this who feels left out and neglected, you can survive this if you truly want to, don't llow the abusers and manipulators to have thier way with you, it's a waste of time and energy. You can receive love and care from others who are truly sincere, there are loving people out there and those who are willing and able to help you through and to guide you into the right direction, You can love but you don't have to accept anothers way, andyou do not have to be a door mat, There is light ast the end of the tunnel if you keep seeking,a nd you willfind it...............................
 
January 31, 2007, 3:09 pm CST

want your oppinion

Dr Phil

i was just wanting to know if you would consider me to being unrealistic or not

 

My ex husband and one of my sons friends were in a race that resulted in a terrible car crash

my son was involved in the crash he was in the passangers seat of my ex husbands car there were a few other kids involved in the crash as well but what i am wondering is if i am being rediculous or not by filling for a restraining order against him so that he could not have anything to do with my son so that 

the judge denide the request so now i have taken this in another direction by getting DSS involved the biggest problem that i feel that i am having is my son feels that his father did nothing wrong and cant understand why i am being the way that i am being

my only concern for him is to be protected from someone who has hurt him

my son has had panic attacks while being a passanger in my car and is suffering terrible headaches

i feel like if i go to much further i could loose my son forever do you think it is worth the risk as i feel it is

sincerely

cindy godwin

 
February 1, 2007, 7:28 am CST

Alcoholic parent

I do not believe Jason should be in the situation he is in.  He is old enough to know that he should not talk to his mother the way he does and he should most definitely be in school.

 

I feel for him though.  Frustration with a situation can take many forms.  Especially when confronted all the time with an alcoholic parent.

 

Both my parents were alcoholics and denied it every minute of every day.  I grew up with it and always knew it.

 

My parents, as Jason's mother is doing, denied it and they also denied many things that happened.  Not until I was in my 40's did a counselor explain to me that most of the things I knew that had happened in our lives, my parents were denying because under the influence of the alcohol in their minds these things didn't happen because they were drunk and could not remember. 

 

I suspect this may be, at least partly , why Jason's mother denies so many things.  She denies they happened because in her drunken state, she doesn't remember them happening. 

 

To the day he died, my father denied every having had more than 2 drinks at any time, denied hitting anyone, denied breaking furniture, denied ruining holidays, denied so many things.  When trying to talk to him sober, he doesn't have any memory of any of those things.  To him, because he was drunk and doesn't remember, he simply denies they happened because the drunken mind doesn't comphrend or store those memories.  He knew furniture was broken, the Christmas tree wrecked, holes were in the walls, kids had bruises and welts from the belt, etc - he was just at a loss to explain how and why they happened and appeared.  But in his mind - neither he nor mother ever did those things.  His suggestion was always that my brother and I were responsible for these things.

 

To Jason's mom - get some help.  Save your son's life literally.  Get healthy mentally and physically and give your son the decent life a mother owes a child she brought into the world.

 
February 1, 2007, 3:17 pm CST

I Feel For Jason

I can completely relate to Jason and though it is not good behavior I understand!  My mother was an alcohol hider as well, I would even find it in the toilet tank (it keeps it cold).  I was accused of things that she would do while she was having black outs to the point of stealing the car.  I left the house about a week after I was 18 and thank goodness for my Dad I went back to school and graduated. There were many days my mom would take me to school already 2 to 3 drinks into her day.

 

I don't condone violence, but I completely understand the anger and frustration Jason feels.  It is so hard when your mother is in denial and straight out calls you a liar because she doesn't want to face her addiction. Jason, sometimes you just have to get away.  I didn't talk to my mother for a year, (I know Dr. Phil does not recommend this) but I felt like I had to get myself on my own two feet and get away from the addiction to really see what I wanted.

 

I wish you well Jason........Don't let the addiction win and ruin your life anymore.  You can't change her addiction, but you can change your reaction!!

 

Go back to school, your diploma matters!!!

 
February 8, 2007, 9:08 am CST

what about his DAD

Quote From: sabankat

What's wrong with this picture? An adult mother, Penny, blames her 17 - yr - old son for her messed up life. Granted,  Jason appears to have some pretty serious problems, but I doubt they just developed, and if Penny had been a responsible parent when Jason was younger, he may not have these problems now. However, it is ludicrous for her to be blaming him for her problems. She made her choices. She is the adult and the parent. She raised Jason and has influenced what he is. He is old enough to start making his own choices, but it does not seem like she has given him the correct tools to make good decisions.  When will people start taking responsibility for themselves?

 I know his DAD and you have no clue!!!!
 
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