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Topic : 06/27 Problem Parent or Problem Child?

Number of Replies: 169
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Created on : Friday, January 19, 2007, 01:23:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/24/07) Do you find yourself wondering where your relationship with your child went wrong? You say it’s your child. Your child says it’s you. Who’s to blame? Dr. Phil uncovers where the problem lies in these families. Penny says her life is in shambles because her 17-year-old son, Jason, is extremely threatening and violent. Jason says his mother is a lazy alcoholic, and all he has ever wanted was to feel loved by her. Penny’s sister, Jackie, says Penny has a drinking problem and wants the mother and son to get help before they kill each other. Then, Kim has three sons –- 14, 2 and 15 months -- but says she loves her middle son, Cullen, the most. She has pictures of him all over her house, but not her other two sons. She takes Cullen to bed with her at night, while the baby cries himself to sleep in his own room, and she buys Cullen new clothes, while her youngest gets hand-me-downs. Her oldest son says he has felt neglected his whole life and is worried the baby will feel that way too. Kim’s friend, Starlette, says Kim’s baby has even started calling her Mama. What’s behind Kim’s favoritism, and why does she feel justified? Share your thoughts here.

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January 24, 2007, 7:22 am CST

some favor children for other reasons

Quote From: sashalibby

The reason she treats the middle child better, is either it's not her husband or the other 2 aren't. My guess is the middle child isn't. Had a friend who did the same thing, the middle child wasn't her husbands the other 2 were and she just couldn't stand it, but yet didn't want to give up the life of being married and other guy didn't want to marry her, just the sex. So, she stayed married and died very unhappy.

Who knows...you may be correct. A former friend (we lost touch due to moving) had three children...the oldest was her husband's from a prior marriage, the middle one was her's from an affair (her current husband agreed to raise him, but didn't want the boy to know the situation until he was a teen), and the youngest child was their's together.

 

The father treated the middle child a little differently (harder on him), although I don't believe he even realized what he was doing. The mother treated the middle child VERY differently...she went easy on punishments, was more hands on and loving with him, she always stuck up for him over the other kids, etc.

 

BOTH tried their best and both were good parents (we all make mistakes), but the mother DEFINITELY favored her middle son because, in my opinion (and due to some of her statements to me), she was worried about him not receiving all the love he should from her husband and she was always worried that he may find out the man he called "Dad' was not his biological father. He didn't want him to look back and feel he was not loved or liked as much as the other children.  Yes, she overcompensated.

 

 

 
January 24, 2007, 7:39 am CST

Poor Jason

 I lived with a mother that drank all the time. She still drinks to this day. Not as much as she used to, but it is still important to her. Anyway, I understand that Jason wants his mother to get better and that he wants her to quit drinking.

I told myself when I was younger that I would be better than that. I would take good care of my children and do things with them and raise them and take care of them. I do not drink. My kids are the most important part of me and I am the one who is teaching them to be respectful and kind. I am teaching them that family is important and to always say I LOVE YOU. Even when you are so mad at the person that you just can't stand them, you should always tell tehm you love them. Jason's mother has a problem and if he wants to be better than that then he should move out. I emancipated my mother when I was 17. I moved out got a job and an apartment, I made a few mistakes along the way,but learned from them. Please Jason know that you are better than that and from what I have seen are just trying to save your moms life. Alcohol is a disease and if she doesn't get help she will die. But before you leave your mom please tell her that no matter what has happend that you are her son and that you do LOVE HER. Good luck to you Jason.PLEASE go back to school. You have no idea how important your education is these days. I am finishing mine right now at 25 with 4 kids and working part time. Just know that you are a bright young man and you now know what you don't want to be like!!!!!! Learn something form all of this and walk away with your head held high. You will appreciate yourself more for that and so will others believe me. Oh and one more thing...... Thank God and pray to him everyday, he hears you and he will listen to you..But he can't help unless you ask........ God Bless you Heather

 
January 24, 2007, 8:05 am CST

01/24 Problem Parent or Problem Child?

I don't know what happened on the show, but when I first read about this I was disgusted..

You love your kids the same amount..you love them in different ways, and you even treat them differently for their age, gender or needs,  I do not love my oldest more or less then my two others..but i do love and treat her different.  Its hard to explain in writing, its like My oldest likes to go to the mall, but my youngest likes to play video games..so I show them some of my love for them by doing these activities with them specifically. 

but it even says above she loves the middle more.  How could you let your infant cry in his room while your two year old being coddled to sleep.  I understand sleeping with the kids, I did it also, especially if they had a night mare..but If I had one in my bed and the other needed me..I was there for them too.  I know I am not her. 

Hand me downs are one thing because baby cloths are expensive especially for the length of time they are in them..but spread out the new things to the other two also..

 

 
January 24, 2007, 8:06 am CST

choosing favorites

My family members all have their favorites.  I am a daughter of five and a granddaughter of way too many too count.  Anyway, knowing who your parents or grandparents favorites is very hurtful, even as an adult.  I have accomplished so much in my life but feel no self worth.  I am depressed often but always hide it.  These poor children will never feel good about theirselves unless they are taken away from this mother until she gets serious help.   She didnt care that her other two children are neglected.  As a mother, I would simply die feeling that I didnt love one of my children.
 
January 24, 2007, 8:12 am CST

01/24 Problem Parent or Problem Child?

When a person gives birth they should know they are no longer responsible for just thimselves. Their child should be their main priority. Drinking shouln't even be on the list. You can't function properly if you are getting drunk and if you can't function properly then you can't do what needs to be done to take care of that child. Parents: lay off the booze.
 
January 24, 2007, 8:14 am CST

I just can not imagine

Quote From: vtaggart

I just can not imagine such attitudes towards your own children.  It is apparent that the mother doesn't care about the other two children or she would not behave in this manner towards them.  Lord help those two children grow to know they are loved, but apparently not by the one God loaned them to. 

The mother should realize "today could be the day" she dies and what will she say upon judgement? 

I can't imagine this either. What a selfish woman. My heart breaks for the youngest one especially. He cries himself to sleep while her 'favorite' one is cuddled? Like Dr. Phil says it just makes you feel very sad. And I don't care how she feels about the kid's fathers. That should have NOTHING to do with the love for her children. Some people just should not be parents! I certainly hope for her children's sake this woman gets the help she needs.
 
January 24, 2007, 8:21 am CST

I've been the non-favorite...

 I grew up in a family of three children.  I was the youngest and only girl.  My mother selected the middle child as her favorite.  No matter what trouble he got into (and he did go to Juvenile Court several times), Mother always made him out to be a little angel.  In high school, a class mate infomed me that the "favorite" was presenting himself as an only child. 

No matter what I did as a child, I could never win praise from my Mom.  When the "favorite" flunked out of college, Mom blamed the occasion on an "unfair" grading system.  When I graduated from a top-rated college with a 3.4 GPA, Mom said nothing.  By that time, I had learned that I would never win her praise.  I learned to take pride in what I did.

As the years went by, the "favorite" never left home.  My other brother and I both left when we reached our early 20's.  The "favorite" left briefly twice and always returned.  He is now 60 and still lives with Mom.  He is still an "only" child. 
 
January 24, 2007, 8:24 am CST

I understand but am sick and tired of it

 No, there's no excuse for favoritism and I think my three daughters (now ages 31, 33, 35) would not acuse me of that, but I am SOOOO tired of the mother being blamed for everything.  Yes, we are the adults but let me tell you that doesn't make you a saint nor give you superhuman abilities, what it does is just add guilt.

As a single parent who left an irresponsible, alcoholic, compulsive gambler ( a professor at a prestigious east coast college with a Ph.D in philosophy) with a 1, 3 and 4 year old I had NO help either financially or emotionally. He would only teach adjunct or stop working entirely, earning too little for the courts to compel him help support his children.

I worked at home (doing transcription) so I could be there with my kids. We weren't rich but we always had a roof over our heads, clothes on our back and food on the table.

Pressure would build up and I would yell at my kids (verbal abuse would be an accurate statement). I was never physically abusive.

There were many many good times (but if it takes 100 atta girls to make up for one bad time I'm way behind.) My oldest daughter had neurologic and orthopedic problems and had multiple surgeries the first few years of her life. She had cognitive deficits and eventually by her teen years had severe emotional difficulties. My two younger daughters are over achievers, both happily married with satisfactory careers, both trying to start families. Both had (have?) heavy emotional baggage which is, of course my fault.

If a single mother doesn't work in order to spend time with her family she's lazy and living off welfare. If she works sufficient hours to earn a living (try it on close to minimum wage),  you're neglecting your family. If you work 50-60 hours a week but don't take care of your home you're a slob. If you work and take care of your home you're neglecting your children.

If you work, take care of your home and spend time with your children (my kids were active with music and sports and I never missed their events, never missed taking them to their practices and lessons, never missed school events), then you're tired and cranky and tend to be easy to blow.

So pick your poison. I've worked since the age of 17, working the equivalent of 1-1/2 jobs for 25 years to take care of my kids, put them through school and then try to help them as they went through graduate school. They're wonderful and I'm proud of them, but while they "intellectually understand" my mood swings as they were growing up and why I would go into what they called my "godzilla" act of yelling and slamming things (usually kitchen cabinet doors), I "scared them" and I should have known better.

So please don't expect mothers to be perfect. Stop thinking that KNOWING what the perfect person would do means that a real human being can do it. Obviously it is not the child's responsibility but that doesn't mean that a single person can be everything and do it perfectly for a lifetime.
 
January 24, 2007, 8:37 am CST

Possible HUGE problem

Quote From: jsg262003

My boyfriend is very special to me and we been to gether few months now.  Certain things just irritate me that he does.  One of them is yes this show today was like him e.g. Danny T anner/Bob Sagat from "Full House" '88='95.  He clean freak galore.  There is a purell sanitizer botte in just about every room by the door/entrance way.  He sorta drives me up the wall w/ it all.  He constantly telling me and my daugher to wash or use purell to be free of germs.  Anyway the main problem recently is that he got  a transfer of job bout 1month ago and spending all his free time w/ my daughter and not me.  He adores her and she loves him just about from the start when we all met.  Recently, he transferred from nights to day hours.  SHe just loved him for that.  He did it bc he thought he lose us bc he didnt see much of us, especially my daughter.  (bc of her schooling)  Every time i turn around recently he'll pic her up from school and not tell me prior to i attempting to pic her up as i usually have done in past.  He's spending time w/' her or us.. I feel it out of hand.  I said someting to him few times but doesnt do nothing.  Unless she in bed shes allways w/ him, which is m,aking feel neglected.  Dont get me wrong its good they have a good relationship/bond together but i feel it overboard /overkill.  He constantly taking her places w/ out telling me first bout it so i know or can say" ya ill go too".  He gives me affection and attention but not as much as he used too b4 the job switch.  I feel/think he wants to make up for all the times he wasnt there for her i think, but not sure??? Any suggestions/comments anyone?? confused here...Andrea

Your boyfriend spends a lot of time alone with your daughter? You have only known this man for a couple of months and you already feel comfortable enough to leave her alone with him? Have you thought of the idea that he may be grooming your child for abuse? There seems to be some red flags here. 

 

I suggest you not allow this man to be alone with your daughter until you get to know him better.

 
January 24, 2007, 9:45 am CST

affaid of her child

 REMEMBER ME I AM THE ONE WHO LOST MY SON IN MAY....

Mys son was 6ft 5 inches and weighed 450 big guy, lots of muscle, yea we argued and he would get made i would say something that would just tick heim off and before i know he had punched the wall and put a hole in it... my son and oldest daughter's dad was a abusive man and did drugs, i left him when josh was 3 and his sister was 5, this man beat me so bad that i lost a baby, and i decided that was it. i never looked back and my kidss became better childern and adults because of that decission...... they have never seen there dad since that day....

 

So my son drew a lot of his angry from this man, and when we got to that point, i simply walked away, he would go to the garage get the stuff patch the hole think about and then come out and say hey mom I am sorry but you really made me mad, then we would talk about it and always ended with 'I LOVE YOU'

 

There was one day that i had came home from work and he had hit his 8 year old sister playing around but rememember hes a big guy,  well i got mad we argued i told him that i was kicking him out of the house, now this whole time his friend was there listening to us argue.... after a few minutes he got up told his friend he lets go, he walked over knowing i am mad kissed me on the forehead and said i love you mom..... and left to hang with his friends,   when they got in the car his friend said "man, dude you really mad your mom made, she's gonna kick you out dude"

my son look at him and said, no she wont she loves me and in a few minutes if will all blow over cause i know she loves me   this was told to me by josh friend after her died.   and he was right in a few minutes everyting was fine and i knew that we were ok because he said i love you mom

 

 

long story to make a point, but  you controll your kids, it might not look like i was in controll all the time but i was because my son knew the one thing that is the most powerful thing in the world is the   I LOVED HIM UNCONDICTIONALLY, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

 

I wish we could go back to those days, life is so empty with out him.......but i give thanks that the last phone call i had with him that day was him asking were his sister was and when i asked him  didn;t you hear anything i told you this morning (at 7 am before i left for work he was sleeping and i woke him to tell him bye) he said  uhmmmm i heard bla bla bla bla bla  I lOVE YOU, BECAREFUL, BLA BLA BLA   BYE

 

WE HUNG UP THE PHONES WITH  I LOVE YOU MOM , AND I SAID I LOVE YOU TO, SON GET SOME REST YOU HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER SPOKE TO HIM.... LIFE IS TO SHORT TO FIGHT AND BLAME YOUR GETS LOVE, LOVE THEM FOREVER CAUSE THERE MAY COME A DAY THAT THERE NOT THERE AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL, WANTING TO DIE  YOURSELF FEELING YOU'LL EVER HAVE...

 

sorry about sp crying cant see what im trying

 

I LOVE YOU SON AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!! MOM

 
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