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Topic : 01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Number of Replies: 176
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Created on : Friday, January 26, 2007, 01:54:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests are torn apart by jealousy, lies and deceit. They say they’re at a crossroads in their relationship and are trying to decide whether to stay or cut their losses and walk out. Terry says her partner, Chris – whom she used to be married to -- is insanely jealous and constantly accuses her of cheating on him with another of her ex-husbands, Jim. Chris goes as far as marking the tires on Terry’s vehicle to see if she’s left the house to be with another man. Terry and Jim say they are business partners only and are tired of Chris spying on them outside their store. Terry says Chris’s jealous suspicions are the reason their marriage crumbled after only three months, and she’s not going through that again. So why is she still with him? Then, Amy recently discovered her husband of 16 years, Donovan, cheated on her with five other women. Now she’s torn and wondering if she can -- or should -- ever trust him again. Join the discussion.

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January 27, 2007, 8:45 pm CST

Realize you are worth more than what you are getting!

 OK, Let's get down to the basics here....  When someone cheats on you with five other people, you should KNOW you deserve better treatment!!  Been there, done that, REFUSE to go there again!!  Even with kids, we can make it out here in the world.  I totally will support you breaking it off!  I did after 20 years and numerous affairs.  I took off the rose colored glasses and saw the truth.
 
January 28, 2007, 5:33 am CST

Amy is due to have more heartbreak

     Unless Amy's husband is willing to do what Dr. Phil has advised in the past--admit to it, get into counsellling and then be willing to be scruitinized as where he's going, when he's coming back--until Amy is satisified that he's being truthful--this marriage has stalled.  Also, after the therapy, what do you have in common?  It has to be more than just kids.  How do I know?  Because my husband cheated four years ago and our relationship has never recovered.  I have myself  to blame for my low self-esteem--I let my husband know that I can't move on and take care of myself, so now he comes and goes whenever he wants.  Amy, I understand why you're staying--its scary to leave, but if you don't, just surrender yourself to having a husband that amounts to no more than a roommate.  You can't have unprotected sex with someone with so many other partners.
 
January 28, 2007, 7:22 am CST

01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Quote From: dlynne14

Why do women and men, stay in relationships that are so demeaning and debilitating???  Life is too short!!  I understand staying and trying to work out a problem.  I have been married for almost 22 years.  We have gone through many trails and tribulations. However, to continually put up with the same old issues, and live in a relationship that is lifeless( common goals, common interests, ability to allow each other space and their own identify) and loveless ( real love, i.e., respectful, honorable and equal), shows a complete lack of self esteem and self worth.  Loving someone does not constitute a reason to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy.

I say, get out and work on yourself!  It is not a bad thing to be alone and take care of ones self, instead of staying in a rotten,  hurtful, unfulfilled relationship!

It depends on the person and their beliefs.  I am currently in an unfulfilled relationship with a man who seems to have issues from his past that keep him from moving forward in our relationship.  Sometimes I feel as if I am a piece of dirt on the ground in his eyes.  BUT...we have two small children and I have strong religious beliefs.  I am a fighter.  Don't get me wrong, I don't let him get away with his belligerent ways (especially in front of the kids).  He is currently living outside the home until we can come to some type of consensus.  Until then, I am constantly asking myself the same question "should I stay or should I go?"  As an outsider looking in, it is so easy to say what you have said "how could they put themselves through that?"  But when actually experiencing the issue, you tend to have a different perspective and way of dealing with the situation.  Please do not judge people in these situations, instead...give support and advice.   

 
January 28, 2007, 2:02 pm CST

01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Well when it comes to being married!  You have to love each other for who you are, be honest about everything, have trust in each other,no lies,always tell the truth no matter what.  If you can  not trust a person , or they lie alot,cheat on you. then yes you should leave them and find the person thats right for you.
 
January 28, 2007, 2:36 pm CST

YOU SHOULD GO

I HAVE FOUND THAT USUALLY WHEN A MAN IS  JEALOUS OR UNTRUSTING   IT

IS BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN GUILT.  I SAY DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU, WILL YOU BE BETTER OFF WITH OR WITH OUT HIM.  PERSONALLY, I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE ALREADY!!!, IF I FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. BUT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO DECIDE . WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY 

 
January 29, 2007, 1:01 pm CST

Wow. Amazing attitude.

Quote From: yvls123

I was married to a man for 17 years.  For 15 of those years I never cheated but after being accused & beat I did.  I left him & got a divorce.  I'm married to the man I cheated with & we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  He was jealous in the beginning but I asked him if he didn't trust me why did he marry me?  I wouldn't marry someone I didn't  trust.  He's the biggest flirt I know but does it whether I'm there or not & I trust him.  He trusts me now too.  Even I can flirt now & then as long as it's someone we know.  LOL  Now we just live, laugh & love.  If you don't trust someone or not  trusted yourself why waste the time? 

What on earth would cause you to believe your post is acceptable?

 

Let's see, you cheated, but it's ok because it's just after 15 years of marriage and he was accusing you of it even before you were actaully cheating. Hummmmmm... 

 

The odds are you had children, but I suppose that's irrelevant. How cheating and divorce affect innocent kids makes no matter....

 

You know, you may want to reconsider his "just flirting." Either people have the type of personality and lack of morals to cheat or they don't; I know of three women (former co-workers) and all had affairs with their future husbands...and all were eventually cheated on by those men...and all three are divorced. Yes, what goes around normally comes back around...and rightfully so. Consider yourself very fortunate. Yours is not the normal case (looking at the stats).

 

Is it not surprising that nowhere in your post do you find cheating immoral and bad judgement and unfair and non compassionate to your fellow sister or brother. Why is it so acceptable to cheat these days? Do we have no morals? Do we not believe in God and want to be better? Very sad...

 

I DO wish your marriage well, especially since many mistakes were apparently made in your first marriage (yes, we humans do make mistakes...I make plenty), but I also wish you wouldn't sound so proud of yourself for your past mistakes and so unashamed of the gravity of what you did. Cheating is NEVER acceptable! If I were you, I'd be embarrased of my actions until the day I died.

 
January 29, 2007, 4:57 pm CST

01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Another one hard to get the mind around.

Okay, so Chris is her partner, and ex husband, and Jim is her Business Partner and also an ex husband, and there is a question of why there is jealousy ?  However, if he's marking your tires to see if you were out, can't see how it would prove if she was with another man or just at WalMart, that's beyond jealous that goes into the realm of obsessive, and crazy, that's a red flag to get out.

One affair, okay I can see working through that, and it works if both are committed to the process, but FIVE TIMES ?   My only question would be haven't you been hurt enough , or are you a masochist?  Once is a mistake, any more is  stupidity, or zero respect for you or the institution of marriage, at least of yours, he wants to be a player, than let him, just don't let him take you with him.

Just a thought

 
January 29, 2007, 5:54 pm CST

Been There

Quote From: nellek2006

I HAVE FOUND THAT USUALLY WHEN A MAN IS  JEALOUS OR UNTRUSTING   IT

IS BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN GUILT.  I SAY DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU, WILL YOU BE BETTER OFF WITH OR WITH OUT HIM.  PERSONALLY, I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE ALREADY!!!, IF I FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. BUT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO DECIDE . WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY 

I have been married for 16 years and have just recently found out that my husband has been in a 5 year affair.  This has been totally devastating to me.  I confronted throughout these last 5 years and was always made to feel bad for mistrusting him.   How could I mistrust someone I loved and who loved me, or so I thought.  He was always angry at me and our son.  I believe that was because of his own guilt. I always said that if I was ever cheated on, I'd leave, but I just couldn't do it.  I needed to try to work on the relationship.  It's been three months and it's not been easy, but I know he has not seen the other woman and we are probably more open than we have been in a long time. He says he know realizes what he almost lost.  Each person has to make the best decision that is best for their needs.  No one can imagine how it feels until, unfortunately, they have been there.  The hardest part for me to get over is the fact that the other woman has taken no responsibility for this affair.  She came on to him while she was married and my husband told her she needed to work on her own marriage and that he was married also (a fact which she knew).  She continued to approach him and his mistake, he gave in.  This other woman had her mother contact me and tell me it was my cheating husband who I should be angry with not her daughter.....Can you believe it, a woman who carried on a SECRET affair has her mother contact me!!!!!

 
January 29, 2007, 5:58 pm CST

01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Quote From: flthomcat

What on earth would cause you to believe your post is acceptable?

 

Let's see, you cheated, but it's ok because it's just after 15 years of marriage and he was accusing you of it even before you were actaully cheating. Hummmmmm... 

 

The odds are you had children, but I suppose that's irrelevant. How cheating and divorce affect innocent kids makes no matter....

 

You know, you may want to reconsider his "just flirting." Either people have the type of personality and lack of morals to cheat or they don't; I know of three women (former co-workers) and all had affairs with their future husbands...and all were eventually cheated on by those men...and all three are divorced. Yes, what goes around normally comes back around...and rightfully so. Consider yourself very fortunate. Yours is not the normal case (looking at the stats).

 

Is it not surprising that nowhere in your post do you find cheating immoral and bad judgement and unfair and non compassionate to your fellow sister or brother. Why is it so acceptable to cheat these days? Do we have no morals? Do we not believe in God and want to be better? Very sad...

 

I DO wish your marriage well, especially since many mistakes were apparently made in your first marriage (yes, we humans do make mistakes...I make plenty), but I also wish you wouldn't sound so proud of yourself for your past mistakes and so unashamed of the gravity of what you did. Cheating is NEVER acceptable! If I were you, I'd be embarrased of my actions until the day I died.

I know we all have reasons for our choices, but I too believe that there is really no reason for cheating.  I have been on the receiving end of a cheater and know first hand the hurt and damage that it can cause.  It truly is wrong and something, I personally, will never get over.
 
January 29, 2007, 7:05 pm CST

Why stay?

She should leave yes but it is easy to sit on the sidelines and tell her that.  I think this is an extreme case of strange bedfellows, including the ex-husband/business partner, but there must be a love there if she is still with this man.
 
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