Message Boards

Topic : 01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Number of Replies: 176
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, January 26, 2007, 01:54:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests are torn apart by jealousy, lies and deceit. They say they’re at a crossroads in their relationship and are trying to decide whether to stay or cut their losses and walk out. Terry says her partner, Chris – whom she used to be married to -- is insanely jealous and constantly accuses her of cheating on him with another of her ex-husbands, Jim. Chris goes as far as marking the tires on Terry’s vehicle to see if she’s left the house to be with another man. Terry and Jim say they are business partners only and are tired of Chris spying on them outside their store. Terry says Chris’s jealous suspicions are the reason their marriage crumbled after only three months, and she’s not going through that again. So why is she still with him? Then, Amy recently discovered her husband of 16 years, Donovan, cheated on her with five other women. Now she’s torn and wondering if she can -- or should -- ever trust him again. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

More January 2007 Show Boards.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

January 30, 2007, 8:10 am CST

Agree

Quote From: hzmtgirl

Wow, I think that was a little harsh. You talk about believing in God but there is obviously no forgiveness in your post. Why would you get on here to attack someone for sharing their story? You don't know anything about the type of marriage she left. And you admit that you have made mistakes. Does that mean you are going to continue to be embarrassed about those until the day you die? If so maybe you should learn to forgive yourself and move on. If not then why try to make someone else be embarrassed or ashamed of something they did over 20 years ago?
I agree that was a little harsh, but on the other hand God is what it all seems to come back to. Listen I cheated also and I have made the ammends with my husband by going to counseling and now I am reading a book by a counselor who brings everything back to God. Basically it is saying it is God's way or no way or else I am just not comprehending the moral of the book. I have twoo books about the hardships of marriage and they all talk about the Bible and God. Why is that? I don't agree with cheating it is the dumbest thing you can do and yes I did it so I am one of the dumb ones, but if you keep living in your horrible past you will never be happy. Like I said cheating is not acceptable I have come to terms with that but you have to realize what you want in life and to try to get past it.
 
January 30, 2007, 8:28 am CST

I cheated...and continue to pay for it. When is enough, enough?

I dated my ex for 6 years before we got married.  The last 2 of the 6 years I begged and begged for us to get married and he continued to put me off.  He is a major mama's boy and lived with his mother until he almost 29 years. old.  After we got married I would answer a question of his and than he would turn right around and ask his mother and she would answer the same way and it wasn't correct until she said it.  His mother tried to decorate our house and it was our house not hers but he got mad at me.  I had two miscarriages during this time and it was time for us to try again and he told me that he had given me two chances.  I just lost a lot for him after that and I did cheat on him twice.  After our divorce he never actual left.  He was always around and I got in a very big depression and lost my job and lost self respect for myself and from others.  Needless to say we lived in separate homes but still seen each other and a year later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant by him.  During this time doing anything and everything I can do to get us back together.  I told him and he was so happy...until he told his Mother and Father.  They were helping him pay the house payment on our home while we were married and they told im that they wouldn't help him anymore and and that is one thing about my ex...he is very money influeneced.  So that night after he told his parents he came to my house telling me he loved me and that we couldn't do this because I didn't have a job and we coldn't survive on his salary.  He then started manipulating me in to getting an abortion.  I DO NOT believe in them and of course he said if I got one than I could come home and we would work on our relationship.  He was crying and holding me and acted so happy.  Well, needless to say I did the ultimate and I've paid even more after that.  I killed my child for him and I'm still not home and its been almost two years since the abortion.  THe terrible thing about it is I still go down to his house about every night with him and he cooks for me and does things for me.  When it comes the weekends he out with his friends from work.  I don't believe he is going out with anyone else but I think when I killed my unborn child that I've paid enough.  He said he would never bring up the cheating again after the abortion but if we get into an argument it gets brought up.  I finally got a new job after 2 years of getting shot down because of getting fired.  His excuss after the abortion was that I didn't have a job to help pay the bills and now that I have a job I asked him what his next excuss was and I haven't gotten an answer.  I ask him if he wants to be with me and he won't answer.  He just sits there ignoring me and tells me to stop fussing.  I killed my child for him and have every right to ask or fuss what ever he calls it.

 

I understand how he feels and I've done everything he has asked of me.  So do you guys think killing an unborn child is payment enough?  I pay for that even more than the cheating.  I think everyday when I see another child or a pregnant woman about the child I killed for him.  I can't break away from him and he can't break away from me.  It's his Mother and his friends that dont want us back together.  He cares too much what they think.

 
January 30, 2007, 9:15 am CST

Amy Run

Don't stop to look back. Yes, you love him but will he ever change? Your 'll a beautiful young woman now but the next time he cheats will that be the same. I was married almost 28 years to a cheater and lost all my self esteem. My ex had at least 15 to 20 affairs (that I know about) in that time, one of which producted a child. After adopting his grandchildren this was after I raised two of his others children from another marriage, I divorced him. I had gained 80 pounds from stress. I'm working on the weight and I'm much happier just being alone at this time it's been 4 years. I'm raising the three children and don't get me wrong its not easy on your own......like where I will get the next house payment or the grocery money but it always seams to work out. I hope you find the strength to go on and do what you know in your heart is the right thing......my motto is once a cheater always a cheater!!
 
January 30, 2007, 9:15 am CST

01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Quote From: steph156

I dated my ex for 6 years before we got married.  The last 2 of the 6 years I begged and begged for us to get married and he continued to put me off.  He is a major mama's boy and lived with his mother until he almost 29 years. old.  After we got married I would answer a question of his and than he would turn right around and ask his mother and she would answer the same way and it wasn't correct until she said it.  His mother tried to decorate our house and it was our house not hers but he got mad at me.  I had two miscarriages during this time and it was time for us to try again and he told me that he had given me two chances.  I just lost a lot for him after that and I did cheat on him twice.  After our divorce he never actual left.  He was always around and I got in a very big depression and lost my job and lost self respect for myself and from others.  Needless to say we lived in separate homes but still seen each other and a year later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant by him.  During this time doing anything and everything I can do to get us back together.  I told him and he was so happy...until he told his Mother and Father.  They were helping him pay the house payment on our home while we were married and they told im that they wouldn't help him anymore and and that is one thing about my ex...he is very money influeneced.  So that night after he told his parents he came to my house telling me he loved me and that we couldn't do this because I didn't have a job and we coldn't survive on his salary.  He then started manipulating me in to getting an abortion.  I DO NOT believe in them and of course he said if I got one than I could come home and we would work on our relationship.  He was crying and holding me and acted so happy.  Well, needless to say I did the ultimate and I've paid even more after that.  I killed my child for him and I'm still not home and its been almost two years since the abortion.  THe terrible thing about it is I still go down to his house about every night with him and he cooks for me and does things for me.  When it comes the weekends he out with his friends from work.  I don't believe he is going out with anyone else but I think when I killed my unborn child that I've paid enough.  He said he would never bring up the cheating again after the abortion but if we get into an argument it gets brought up.  I finally got a new job after 2 years of getting shot down because of getting fired.  His excuss after the abortion was that I didn't have a job to help pay the bills and now that I have a job I asked him what his next excuss was and I haven't gotten an answer.  I ask him if he wants to be with me and he won't answer.  He just sits there ignoring me and tells me to stop fussing.  I killed my child for him and have every right to ask or fuss what ever he calls it.

 

I understand how he feels and I've done everything he has asked of me.  So do you guys think killing an unborn child is payment enough?  I pay for that even more than the cheating.  I think everyday when I see another child or a pregnant woman about the child I killed for him.  I can't break away from him and he can't break away from me.  It's his Mother and his friends that dont want us back together.  He cares too much what they think.

 Any man who would put money before their unborn child is worthless, in my opinion. From where I see it, this man will never change and even if he did, you probably wouldn't want him anyway. Move  as  far away as you can from him and start your life over WITHOUT HIM AND HIS PARENTS! 
 
January 30, 2007, 9:37 am CST

love yourself enough to get some help

Quote From: steph156

I dated my ex for 6 years before we got married.  The last 2 of the 6 years I begged and begged for us to get married and he continued to put me off.  He is a major mama's boy and lived with his mother until he almost 29 years. old.  After we got married I would answer a question of his and than he would turn right around and ask his mother and she would answer the same way and it wasn't correct until she said it.  His mother tried to decorate our house and it was our house not hers but he got mad at me.  I had two miscarriages during this time and it was time for us to try again and he told me that he had given me two chances.  I just lost a lot for him after that and I did cheat on him twice.  After our divorce he never actual left.  He was always around and I got in a very big depression and lost my job and lost self respect for myself and from others.  Needless to say we lived in separate homes but still seen each other and a year later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant by him.  During this time doing anything and everything I can do to get us back together.  I told him and he was so happy...until he told his Mother and Father.  They were helping him pay the house payment on our home while we were married and they told im that they wouldn't help him anymore and and that is one thing about my ex...he is very money influeneced.  So that night after he told his parents he came to my house telling me he loved me and that we couldn't do this because I didn't have a job and we coldn't survive on his salary.  He then started manipulating me in to getting an abortion.  I DO NOT believe in them and of course he said if I got one than I could come home and we would work on our relationship.  He was crying and holding me and acted so happy.  Well, needless to say I did the ultimate and I've paid even more after that.  I killed my child for him and I'm still not home and its been almost two years since the abortion.  THe terrible thing about it is I still go down to his house about every night with him and he cooks for me and does things for me.  When it comes the weekends he out with his friends from work.  I don't believe he is going out with anyone else but I think when I killed my unborn child that I've paid enough.  He said he would never bring up the cheating again after the abortion but if we get into an argument it gets brought up.  I finally got a new job after 2 years of getting shot down because of getting fired.  His excuss after the abortion was that I didn't have a job to help pay the bills and now that I have a job I asked him what his next excuss was and I haven't gotten an answer.  I ask him if he wants to be with me and he won't answer.  He just sits there ignoring me and tells me to stop fussing.  I killed my child for him and have every right to ask or fuss what ever he calls it.

 

I understand how he feels and I've done everything he has asked of me.  So do you guys think killing an unborn child is payment enough?  I pay for that even more than the cheating.  I think everyday when I see another child or a pregnant woman about the child I killed for him.  I can't break away from him and he can't break away from me.  It's his Mother and his friends that dont want us back together.  He cares too much what they think.

You are in a SICK SICK relationship. 

 

PLEASE seek professional counseling immediately.  There is nothing else anyone on this board can say to you that will help you other than this.  I sincerely wish you well. 

 

 

 
January 30, 2007, 9:39 am CST

01/30 "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

To Amy,

I understand how torn you must be.  After 21 years of marriage I discovered that my husband had been in a long term relationship (ten years) with another woman.  He had no intention of ending it, neither did she, had I not intervened.  I researched for over 1 year to confirm what I thought was impossible.  Once I was strong enough I confronted him - he denied everything, of course.  But during extensive counseling the truth finally emerged.  In the two years since I confronted him we continued counseling, relocated, and are trying to start our lives over.  However what Dr. Phil said to you is true: You may not ever get over this.  Worse than the infidelity itself, is the loss of trust.  I thought that by now it would be easier, and in many ways it is, but I still to this day feel that I may never completely be able to trust again. Although my husband has been for the most part an "open book" there are still questions that may never be answered.

The road ahead will be difficult, if your husband is willing to be an open book gradually the trust can be re-established, but he has EARN his way back to you.  Good luck. 

 
January 30, 2007, 9:56 am CST

Iam a jealous wife.....

I was in a long-term relationship with a man.(father of my child) Things were ok at first, and then they became bad fast. We were 30 years diff. in age. ( should of known better right? ) I was cheated on and also beat by this man, yet i stayed. When I did leave I became very depressed and not real big on going out or being around friends. ( what friends I did have left.) About 2 years later I met a man at the place I worked. We started talking, and went out a few times. I really liked this man, he seemed to have it together.....(he was closer to my age to ! ) While we were dating he told me of his past girlfriends, and also about his ex-wife. He has 3 kids with his ex-wife. I would say around 3 months later he had asked me to marry him, I was thrilled and i was in love so i said yes. We were married 6 months later. Things were great, we would go out, laugh, do things with the kids. My husband and I were married in April and in May I was hurt at work and now on workman's comp. That was back in 05. Since then things have changed. It took the better part of 7 months to even get my first check from workman's comp. Needless to say that put a strain on us, and then came the fights. I have only  been married for 10 months and the word DIVORCE has showed up more then once. Ever since I got hurt I have been home, and very depressed. He will come home and say nasty little things to me like, what do you do all day but sit around, our house is a mess, or things to the affect. Mind you I agree with him, I have let things go a little. I take care of his daughter thats only 4 all day then go get the other 3 from school and cook dinner etc. In the last week or so I started to check up on my husband a little bit. I went into his cell phone one night while every one else was asleep. To my dismay I found a message on his voicemail from a woman saying things like i miss you and i love you and some other things I will not say here. His name is John...the message said Johnny. I said nothing for a few days and let it eat at me and when I did say something , he said he had no idea who it was and it was a wrong number. Another time he had handed me some money to go pick something up, and in the bills he had handed me was a phone number. I asked him who it was he said a girl from work. Insted of leaving it at that when I left I called her, turns out it is someone he works with and then I felt like a jerk !! I'am the one who is really jealous. He works long hours so I really do not know when he would cheat. I love him alot, but I do not know what to do or how to put this jealousy behind me in this marriage. I'am a big girl, I sometimes wonder since I'am not working now, and he is and I'am always saying things to him that tell him I do not trust him, what will happen. Just sat here now wondering If or when he will leave me. I love him and I do not want a divorce.....what can I do ?
 
January 30, 2007, 10:39 am CST

I am so sorry

Quote From: steph156

I dated my ex for 6 years before we got married.  The last 2 of the 6 years I begged and begged for us to get married and he continued to put me off.  He is a major mama's boy and lived with his mother until he almost 29 years. old.  After we got married I would answer a question of his and than he would turn right around and ask his mother and she would answer the same way and it wasn't correct until she said it.  His mother tried to decorate our house and it was our house not hers but he got mad at me.  I had two miscarriages during this time and it was time for us to try again and he told me that he had given me two chances.  I just lost a lot for him after that and I did cheat on him twice.  After our divorce he never actual left.  He was always around and I got in a very big depression and lost my job and lost self respect for myself and from others.  Needless to say we lived in separate homes but still seen each other and a year later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant by him.  During this time doing anything and everything I can do to get us back together.  I told him and he was so happy...until he told his Mother and Father.  They were helping him pay the house payment on our home while we were married and they told im that they wouldn't help him anymore and and that is one thing about my ex...he is very money influeneced.  So that night after he told his parents he came to my house telling me he loved me and that we couldn't do this because I didn't have a job and we coldn't survive on his salary.  He then started manipulating me in to getting an abortion.  I DO NOT believe in them and of course he said if I got one than I could come home and we would work on our relationship.  He was crying and holding me and acted so happy.  Well, needless to say I did the ultimate and I've paid even more after that.  I killed my child for him and I'm still not home and its been almost two years since the abortion.  THe terrible thing about it is I still go down to his house about every night with him and he cooks for me and does things for me.  When it comes the weekends he out with his friends from work.  I don't believe he is going out with anyone else but I think when I killed my unborn child that I've paid enough.  He said he would never bring up the cheating again after the abortion but if we get into an argument it gets brought up.  I finally got a new job after 2 years of getting shot down because of getting fired.  His excuss after the abortion was that I didn't have a job to help pay the bills and now that I have a job I asked him what his next excuss was and I haven't gotten an answer.  I ask him if he wants to be with me and he won't answer.  He just sits there ignoring me and tells me to stop fussing.  I killed my child for him and have every right to ask or fuss what ever he calls it.

 

I understand how he feels and I've done everything he has asked of me.  So do you guys think killing an unborn child is payment enough?  I pay for that even more than the cheating.  I think everyday when I see another child or a pregnant woman about the child I killed for him.  I can't break away from him and he can't break away from me.  It's his Mother and his friends that dont want us back together.  He cares too much what they think.

Honey, this brought tears to my eyes. I honestly can't believe you did that for him, you must really love him. In my eyes he is just playing off your emotions, he knows you will be right there at his convienence. So what you do is play the same game with him. One of your regular nights to go over to his house tell him you have other plans with some friends. Go out and enjoy yourself and meet some new people. You sound to young to be stuck in this type of relationship. I don't know if this will help but I don't mean any disrespect by it. Another thing is that you tell yourself you killed your child for him but it was also your descision not only his. I think your regret doing it and put all the blame on him. I have done this type of thing before. Not the abortion thing but put the blame on everyone else because I couldn't face the facts that I was also responsible. Have you guys tried going to see a counselor? Maybe this could help you out. You guys aren't married right? So go talk to a professional and see what their advice is.  Let me know how things go.
 
January 30, 2007, 12:09 pm CST

Time To Stop

Quote From: steph156

I dated my ex for 6 years before we got married.  The last 2 of the 6 years I begged and begged for us to get married and he continued to put me off.  He is a major mama's boy and lived with his mother until he almost 29 years. old.  After we got married I would answer a question of his and than he would turn right around and ask his mother and she would answer the same way and it wasn't correct until she said it.  His mother tried to decorate our house and it was our house not hers but he got mad at me.  I had two miscarriages during this time and it was time for us to try again and he told me that he had given me two chances.  I just lost a lot for him after that and I did cheat on him twice.  After our divorce he never actual left.  He was always around and I got in a very big depression and lost my job and lost self respect for myself and from others.  Needless to say we lived in separate homes but still seen each other and a year later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant by him.  During this time doing anything and everything I can do to get us back together.  I told him and he was so happy...until he told his Mother and Father.  They were helping him pay the house payment on our home while we were married and they told im that they wouldn't help him anymore and and that is one thing about my ex...he is very money influeneced.  So that night after he told his parents he came to my house telling me he loved me and that we couldn't do this because I didn't have a job and we coldn't survive on his salary.  He then started manipulating me in to getting an abortion.  I DO NOT believe in them and of course he said if I got one than I could come home and we would work on our relationship.  He was crying and holding me and acted so happy.  Well, needless to say I did the ultimate and I've paid even more after that.  I killed my child for him and I'm still not home and its been almost two years since the abortion.  THe terrible thing about it is I still go down to his house about every night with him and he cooks for me and does things for me.  When it comes the weekends he out with his friends from work.  I don't believe he is going out with anyone else but I think when I killed my unborn child that I've paid enough.  He said he would never bring up the cheating again after the abortion but if we get into an argument it gets brought up.  I finally got a new job after 2 years of getting shot down because of getting fired.  His excuss after the abortion was that I didn't have a job to help pay the bills and now that I have a job I asked him what his next excuss was and I haven't gotten an answer.  I ask him if he wants to be with me and he won't answer.  He just sits there ignoring me and tells me to stop fussing.  I killed my child for him and have every right to ask or fuss what ever he calls it.

 

I understand how he feels and I've done everything he has asked of me.  So do you guys think killing an unborn child is payment enough?  I pay for that even more than the cheating.  I think everyday when I see another child or a pregnant woman about the child I killed for him.  I can't break away from him and he can't break away from me.  It's his Mother and his friends that dont want us back together.  He cares too much what they think.

In reading your post, I found that every time I think I have heard of every disgusting form of person there is, I stumble on a new one.  Get away from this bum.  I have never met or seen you,  yet I tell you there is someone better out there for you.  You have over paid and it's time to end it.  You now have a job.  Get a separate life from him and stop this abusiveness now.  Take care of yourself and let his mommy take care if him.  Believe in yourself.  
 
January 30, 2007, 12:17 pm CST

hard to make a choice

My husband also cheated on me, unlike many of you it was only 1 time, but it was with someone who I considered a friend, it happened when they where both drunk, but it happened in my home, infact I was sleeping in the same house at the time.  I have made the choice to try to fix our mariage, but it is hard, there is good days and bad days and lots of doubts about trusting him again.  I would like to think I would leave him if it happened long term or more than one women but I don't know I was always one of those wifes that said if I was cheated on it would be over no matter what the reason.  How do you move on, can you move on or is it just over.  need help

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Next | Last