Topic : 07/17 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

My screen name lost_at_44 is a little outdated.  I will now be 48 in June and still stuck.  My husband is/was an alcoholic and stuck on prescription drugs.  I dreamed of the day he would get clean and we could live happily ever after. . . Well, he went to rehab for a few months and has now been clean for a little over a year.  I thought it would all be better.  However, he still has the same personality as when he was using.  He lost his job over the years, insurance and so on and has been very sneaky and deceitfull, full of secrets and put downs.  We've been married for 14.5 years now and have 2 boys 9 & 12.  He needs a few lessons from Dr. Phil.  I continually get put down and called several names with many f-bombs.  I was shocked Dr. Phil never called his wife a B-.  If I try to talk to him he calls it excuses, or says oh yea, you're the victim.  I do go to Al-anon and has become my strength along with my family.  The harder I try to stick up for my self, the more I'm put down.  We have not had sex for a year now, 4 times while he was in rehab, but before that it was 22 months.  I have learned to live without affection - I take that back, he will cuddle or hug if HE wants to but it's on his terms.  He continually tells me to watch the money even though I am not an extravagent person.  I have always been a stay at home mom since the boys as that has been the career I planned on.  He gives me cash, small amounts at a time, has me use my own credit cards and he pays for it - but after I get scolded.  He has taken away the credit cards we have jointly.  I recently got my credit report to find we are $21,000 in debt on these joint credit cards that I did not even know I had.  All the money there is - several thousand is ALL in his name alone.  He hides his pay stubs and fought with me last week when I asked him how much he makes - he said what does it matter - your well cared for.  We are the average middle class family but with a husband who knows how to hurt.  He will look right at me when he is yelling at me but as soon as he is done talking he turns his head and will not look at me when I talk but as soon as he is ready to talk he turns back.  I continue to gain strength and support but my heart hurts.  I am smart, loving, pretty, creative, helpful, friendly and everybody loves me . . . and supposedly he does too????  Dr. Phil you and Robin are amazing - I wish you had clones to go around and make the world better at a faster rate than you do - but just seeing your show makes me realize the mess my life has become.  I can't wait for todays episode - keep giving us the strength we're looking for.  Bless you.

I was where you were.  Stop fantacizing and go.  Your last straw was five years ago?  You've merely raised your tolerance.  Forget making sure the kids are financially secure: their mental health is priceless!  Each and every day that you stay--that they stay with you--your children are learning damaging, dysfunctional, and self-defeating behaviors.  They need you to defend and protect them: to set minimum standards for yourself and them, to exhibit a strong sense of self-worth, and to muster the strength even in your most frightened moments.  You know the definition of bravery?  I used to think it was an absence of fear, but then I learned that's not true;  soldiers in battle are so scared that they soil themselves, and yet they fight.  Bravery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway!  Fight for your children, for their emotional health and well-being: they're looking to YOU as their knight in shining armour.  On the practical side, go into your joint bank and investment accounts and remove as much of the assets as you can (it's all community property, anyway, to be inventoried and fairly divided, so you're not going to keep more than your fair share: this is merely to get you solvent).  Put the funds in an account in your name only.  Get a job--any job--and get OUT!  File your initial papers at the courthouse yourself until you find a lawyer who agrees to take her fee at the final settlement (mine waited two years).  What I'm saying is that reasons become excuses.  When I finally got the courage to do THE RIGHT THING (for myself and my children), I was willing to file for Welfare, live in a one-bedroom efficiency apt., and eat Beanie-Weenie's, if I had to (I didn't have to).  As long as my children and I were together in peace and quiet, free from verbal and emotional abuse, it would be worth it.  Remember that you're teaching your children each and every day: they're looking to YOU for leadership.  And, whether you wish it or not, they will emulate you, by either marrying or becoming abusers themselves.  How about giving them a different role model?

Men like this make me so glad that I am single.  Been there, done that, not going back.  Ever!