Topic : 02/09 Sign on the Line!

You make soo much sense its scary (hehe) but seriously, nowadays many women have their own assest going into a marriage, and Divorce is a fact of life, I don't think anyone man or woman should be naive enough to think that 'til death do us part' is any guarentee in this day and age.

But I do think as well, that being a stay home Mom is NO EXCUSE for allowing your work skills or your mind to stagnate, any woman has the opportunity to better her lot in life, instead of being at the beck and call of their husband, that way should Divorce or Death happens, you are not left not being able to look after yourself and your kids, and I'm NOT slamming stay home Moms, I have been one, and even now I only work part time, but I KNOW that if my husband decides the grass is greener somewhere else, I'll survive, and so will the kids.  He's aware of that fact as well.

As for a Postnuptual and her signing over mutual assests to him, what is that all about ?  CONTROL!  Again I ask why are we still naive enough to belive that we have the power to change them ?

One wonders if the sole issue boils down simply to the question of whether the woman is being conned.  Writers describe scenarios in which they were totally blind-sided with a demand to sign a pre-nuptial or quit claim AFTER they were in love, without warning or discussion.  These occurred when wedding plans were long underway or days/hours before the ceremony.  Others arose post-marriage.  The writers describe extreme duress being applied by their fiance to compel them to waive their rights to the marital assets during the marriage, including divorce or death of the husband.  This is the point they should question whether they simply are being conned.  One hopes they can take a moment to consider what the demand really means, in other words, what's in it for them and how it would unfold.  Imagine the pre-proposal moment.  Statistics indicate the man most likely has the most income and personal wealth and the most $ to lose; it would go something like this with possible variations.  My dear(girl's name), I would like to marry you but before we do, I want you to know that I have not disclosed my financial situation to you nor do I ever intend to.  As your husband I will not provide you with anything more than accomodation and the basic essentials of life, the nature and amount and level of comfort to be decided entirely by me.  You will not receive any share of the matrimonial home or accumulation of assets even if you work and contribute to their purchase and maintenance.   I may decide to allow you to reside in the home, but only for your lifetime, (even if you have paid half the mortgage payments & taxes) upon my death.  You will receive no portion of the proceeds of sale of any property accumulated during the marriage even if you have paid any share of the mortgage or taxes or repairs and upkeep.  I expect you to amalgamate any earnings with mine without any say as to how they are disposed of.  I will not make any provision for you to receive any retirement benefits or life insurance should I pre-decease or divorce you.  You will receive no alimony or proceeds from jointly-held property even if I decide to divorce you.  You will pay for all expenses to raise your children born prior to our marriage.  They will receive no inheritance from my estate.  I expect you to continue with  your career (should  you have or develop one) care for my home and myself and be a dutiful loving wife.  I know that your outpouring of physical and emotional affection will not  be affected by these demands and I will continue to bask in those generous comforts throughout the marriage.  Dear god, how I love you - marry me.  If the men had the guts to put this on the table before the woman is in love, she more than likely would send him packing because it leaves nothing to sustain emotional feelings or a relationship or marriage.  If either person told the other they held these beliefs I doubt the relationship would pass the casual dating stage.  Exceptions and workable agreements of this type may exist where both are wealthy businessmen and women with corporations to protect but I suspect these scenario's are in the minority.

When anyone, male or female, contiplates divorce, one of the steps they take is to distance themselves from their spouse financially.  Don't let him get away with stripping you of your rights as a spouse and put you in a struggling position when he decides what HE wants to do with the relationship.  Also, this can be used as a weapon against you in arguments.  Such as, if you want what I have you will do as I say.  That can lead to very bad experiences.  When one person has that much power over another in a relationship, the sky is the limit for the one in power.  Mankind has horrible and evil thoughts that are not always played out until they feel as though they can do what ever they want to do.  There becomes no limits.

Bottom line - married or not you will lose everything.  Stand your ground now before you have no ground to stand on.  File for divorce yourself.  He will hurt you!

From one battered woman to a potential battered woman.

I thank you for your reply. 

On Monday I went to a counseling session and have another one scheduled for this coming Monday.  I'm not sure how many I can attend as you know they are very pricey.  I forced myself to go to my neighbors home for a Super Bowl party on Sunday and won the last football pool.  That gave me enough cash to have 2 sessions.  Of course my insurance will reimbursement me but counselors want their money up front and I don't blame them.  Insurance Companies take so long to reimburse these people.  I sent an email to my husband asking that he attend counseling and went as far as to wording it like this. . .(we cannot fix this marriage without help.  Our marriage continues to spiral downward and perhaps I am wrong in my way of thinking but if so I would like a professional to tell us so.  I propose to you that we attend at least a weekly session to save our marriage.)  His reply to me was, I do not need anyone to tell me that divorce is the answer.  With a broken heart and all the courage that I could find, I made an appointment with a divorce attorney.  On February 13, I will be in the office of an attorney.  I am so scared, sick to my stomach and continue  not be able to eat.  My husband and I moved to Florida two years ago to further his advancement in the corporate world.  My fear is being here in Florida while my support system is in California.  I have my families support but it's so hard being away from my family while going through this ordeal.  I continue to spend most my days in the comfort of my bedroom.  My husband has now caused a very different situation that I have never had to handle.  Mike had me pick out a computer and a new  purse plus a few other items for Christmas.  After I chose what I wanted for Christmas online, he purchased the items and had them delivered to our home for Christmas and it was for my birthday (which was around Christmas.)   Now he has filed a fraud report with American Express saying he never authorized these purchases.  I found out about this when my son's insurance was canceled.  I received an email stating that they had canceled my son's insurance for non-payment.  I called right away because his insurance premium was put on my husband's American Express Card by my husband.  When he got mad at me, he called AMX and said that the payments he had been making to the insurance company from back in September 2006 (monthly payments) were not authorized.  American Express reversed the charge while under investigation.  That caused my son's insurance to be canceled.  What kind of person would do this?  He can be so sweet, like offering to pay for his car insurance while he attends college and works 30 hours a week for a Pet Store.  Then when he gets mad at me he takes it out on whatever will cause me the most pain, like my son or daughter.  Needless to say I helped my son ask for a higher limit on his credit card, which was granted and then had the charges put on my son's credit card.  Now my son is in debt with the $1335.00 for last years premium and has to come up with money for the next 6 months premium.  All to hurt me. . .  Last September my daughter was married to a nice man.  My husband, being the sweetie he can be, offered to give the kids their honeymoon.  It did not cost him anything as he had enough frequent flyer miles and American Express points to cover the cost of their honeymoon.  One week before they were to be married, my husband mad at me, threatened to take the kids honeymoon away as revenge.  One week before they are to wed. . .I kept it a secret for several days thinking Mike would change his mind.  When it appeared he was not changing I had to inform the kids.  My daughter cried and cried and could not figure out why he was doing this to them.  After al they never asked for him to give them their honeymoon.  I tried to explain it wasn't them he wanted to hurt but it was I.  The end result was he got so much pressure from all my family and his friends that he did not cancel the honeymoon trip.  You see he can be so generous and then so hateful it's so confusing.  He offered $10,000.00 to help pay for my daughters wedding as she has no relationship with her own father.  I was so proud of my self and my family for all pitching in and giving my daughter the wedding of her dreams on my small budget.    The night before the wedding he was upset with me and stole my car full of wedding things I needed for the reception and my cell phone.  This was so stressful. . .I had obviously no wedding planner, I was the wedding planner and now no car or cell phone for people to get in touch with me to coordinate that special wedding day.  My sister brought me a old Verizon phone which I had my number transferred too and she brought me her car.  I ended up on the cell phone begging my husband to come back with the car, taking all the blame for his getting mad at me, just to get the car with all the wedding items back.  My pictures of me in my daughters wedding book shows a woman stressed, swollen eyes and trying desperately to smile.  The Bride was beautiful.  Meanwhile, my husband has purchased 3 cars for his 17 year old, a 65 mustang he purchased in Canada, had shipped to the US and lost money on when Matt decided he would rather have a new Mustang.  Matt was purchased a new 2005 Mustang and recently decided he needed a 4 wheel drive because he will be attending the University of Colorado and living on campus.   So my husband spent $35,000.00 on a new 2007 Dodge 4 x 4 pick up for his son.   That's just one son, he has another son who now has had a new Jeep Wrangle 4 x 4 and then decided his girlfriend would not ride in it because it did not have air conditioning and she didn't like the top off because it messed up her hair.  So my husband bullied me into giving him my 2 year old Infinity I.  Meanwhile, the nice Mike took my daughter shopping for a car.  My daughter only wanted him to come with her because he is so good at negotiating and she was intimated by salesman.  They found a Nissan Xterra, very nice car and he even gave her $7,000.00 to help lower her monthly payments.  She was so grateful and excited about getting a new car.  AM I WRONG FOR FEELING SAD FOR MY KIDS. . .AS THEY WATCH HIS CHILDREN RECEIVE ALL THESE EXPENSIVE GREAT GIFTS AND CARS WHILE MINE ARE HELPED BUT NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE EXTENT OF HIS CHILDREN.  Of course his children have told me that they are the fruit of their father's loins and my children and I are ungrateful for what their father has done for us.  IS THIS NOT OUR MONEY?  I am co-signer on a $250,000.00 line of credit which my husband has been purchasing all these nice gifts for his kids as well as mine.  I have no control over this line of credit and no control over how much he spends on his kids.  AM I UNGRATEFUL?  DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL LIKE THINGS SHOULD BE AS FAIR AS POSSIBLE DEPENDING ON EACH CHILDS SITUATION.   Why was it wrong for me to think they should first have consulted me before buying expensive gifts for any of the kids?  Why was it wrong for me to think they should have sold the Mustang and taken that money and purchased a 4 x 4 pickup for college?  His children think I am nuts for my way of thinking.  Now my husband wants to take his son Matt and Matt's friend on a cruise before he goes off to college, his other son was invited but cannot attend with school, work and a girlfriend.  My children were not invited.  Even if they do not know about the trip, it is so hurtful to me.  The nice husband did purchase my son a pick up which was wrecked in an auto accident.  That's another story for another day.