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Topic : 07/24 Secret Love

Number of Replies: 330
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Created on : Friday, February 09, 2007, 02:40:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/13/07) In a marriage, an affair is the ultimate betrayal. But imagine finding out that your husband was cheating on you with your sister! Bettie says her husband, John, destroyed her trust when he had a six-month relationship with her sister, Molly -- an affair that occurred in Bettie’s own house. John says his act of infidelity happened nearly two years ago, and he’s over it, but he doesn’t understand why Bettie just can’t let it go. Then Molly, who has been watching backstage, joins her sister and brother-in-law. Find out why Molly says John is not the man Bettie thinks he is. Plus, Bettie’s mom, Virginia, overheard a secret phone call between Molly and John and says she doesn’t know why Bettie married John in the first place. Will Bettie’s lingering feelings of betrayal and mistrust destroy her relationship with her sister? Will she be able to forgive her husband and move past his affair? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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February 13, 2007, 6:35 am CST

Forgivness and Trust are two seperate things

I do believe that you should try to forgive others.  However, in a marriage after love, there must be TRUST.  When there is a betrayal of trust in a marriage you can say that you have forgiven that person, but there will always be doubt where that person is concerned.  Every time that person walks out the door, you will wonder if it will happen again.  Beyond forgiving the person for their betrayal, could you say that you would be able to trust that person beyond a shadow of a doubt, or would you spend the rest of your life wondering?  We are all human, and I don't believe we can.  At that point, you would have to ask if you are willing to live the rest of your life with the seed of doubt?
 
February 13, 2007, 6:39 am CST

Complexity

Should Bettie forgive her husband?  A simple No or a complex yes.  Yes, I think she should forgive John.  BUT (and this is a huge but), this doesn't mean that I think she should continue the marriage with him.  I don't think you can regain the trust that bases a marital relationship. 

 

If you took the time to take vows and sign all the documentation and you dishonor those, I think that the marriage contract has been breached.  Bettie has no obligation to stay with John.  The terms of the relationship have changed and Bettie should take her cards and go play elsewhere.  I hope she has the courage to ante up again.

 

Her sister is her blood though.  She never made any vows to her sis.  I believe in time that relationship CAN be salvaged.  Molly has a lot of work to do.

 

That being said, I don't think it does her any good to carry around the resentment and loathing she feels for John and Molly.  If I were her, I would refuse to let them hurt me anymore.  Forgive but don't forget.  That's easier said than done, of course.  Time turns wounds to scars...maybe it will be easier with time.

 
February 13, 2007, 6:42 am CST

Secret Love

Quote From: jtfjmjr

It was wrong of her to get involved! She should have said "That's great! I'm glad things worked out for you!" Then shut her mouth and left it well enough alone. But NO she had to say things that purposely brought all that pain back up. IT WAS HER DARN FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe next time she'll use her brain and shut her mouth!

No one is at fault here.  The couple decided to divorce, it was their decision.  Most likely the infidelity brought up a whole bunch of issues that they had not ever dealt with.  Quite often infidelity is the result of one person feeling helpless about what is going on in their marriage.  Doesn't make it right or justifiable!!!! Just a fact. A marriage can survive infidelity and become stronger, but it takes alot of work and struggle and pain for both people in the marriage. Sometimes years.  I do agree, however that friends should be supportive and not be negative.  The couple will do that enough for themselves and they certainly don't need your "help"
 
February 13, 2007, 6:59 am CST

Don't know

I really don't think anyone knows how they will react to a situation until it actually happens to them.  I always said that I would leave in an instant if my husband ever cheated on me.  I also said that he never would cheat.  Well, he did.  With my best friend. For almsot a year.  I saw a few signs, but I didn't want to believe it of either of them.  He finally came and told me.  He truly wanted to save our marriage and he knew he had to come clean.  She wanted to keep it a big secret and I basically forced her to tell her husband.  All 4 of reacted in very different ways to what was going on.  I haven't seen or spoken to her in several years, her husband who continued to be my friend, forgave my husband and his wife (they did divorce and he has since died at the age of 43)  They would have divorced regardless of the affair.  My husband and I have worked very hard the past 5 years to save and repair our marriage.  It is still a struggle sometimes, but we had 17 good  years before the affair and we've had some wonderful times since.  We've also had some very painful times.  Even though I would never want to go through something like this again, the affair forced us to look at our marriage alot more honestly than we had been for some time and to "get real" about it.  Weird as it may sound, in some ways it was a blessing as it did make us sit up and take notice.  I am sad that I don't have my best friend and I am very careful about who I get close to!  My husband and I can talk about it without too much pain anymore (and it is painful for everyone involved), there are certain times of the year, songs, all sorts of things that bring back memories.  I will tell you however, my husband knows that if it ever happens again I am so gone he won't know what hit him!  He will also have to deal with his parents and our adult children knowing.  (My parents and our sisters all know about this)
 
February 13, 2007, 7:50 am CST

02/13 Secret Love

Having an affairs is not a mistake - - it's a choice!  The husband does not seem remorseful at all!  He is only sorry that he got caught.  Ladies, what's up with loving the losers?  This guy made a choice to have an affair with the sister and the wife still thinks he is still a prize?  I think the choice he made with the sister shows a complete lack of respect for the wife and intentional infliction of deep pain.  He knew and understood beforehand how deeply this affair, especially this affair would hurt and he chose to and (in my opinion), intended to cause his wife deep emotional distress.  He does not give a damn about his wife and she better wake up and smell the coffee before she wakes up with some disease he brings home from one of his other skanks.  And, this guy doesn't really want to be married, he like all the men like him, like the conveniences of being married or in a relationship - -  the cooking and the cleaning, the free laundry service, the comfortable home, the stability of having a reliable person handling things at home.  That's why they keep coming back  - - not love.

Wake up ladies!  Learn how to take care of yourself and love yourself more than you love some idiot who sh**ts on you day and night.  The only person you can change is yourself.  I get so tired of hearing about women who take back the same DUMMY over and over again.  What's so great about being with a guy who treats you like crap?  What is there to hope for except more crap? My grandmother use to say "sh**t in one hand and hope/wish in the other and see which one gets full first!"  

 

I've got a couple of friends like this, and after years of hearing about the same things over and over, I have a hard time feeling sorry for them!

 

LEAVE!

 
February 13, 2007, 7:56 am CST

Not sincere

This guy is not sinceer. He is upset because he got caught and now he wants her to just get over it. The little smirks on his face speaks volumes. I not so sure this guy has the ability to feel empathy. It is really so sad for his Wife.      Jerry      Celina Ohio
 
February 13, 2007, 8:00 am CST

02/13 Secret Love

If you love somebody, you do not cheat on them in any way, shape, or form, EVER.  If you really love your spouse, you won't even LOOK or FLIRT with other people, never.  Marriage is about love and trust, respecting one another, being there for them, taking care of each other.

 

 

It's blatantly obvious that neither John nor Molly are sorry for what they did.  They betrayed Bettie and the family in the worst way, and now they think they have the right to say "Get over it, honey?!"  These two should both be kicked out of the house and the family.  They have NO RIGHT to lecture Bettie on getting over it.  They are the selfish, cruel, and arrogant jerks that destroyed the family in the first place. They have NO RIGHT to act like "Oh, I moved on.  I'm sorry, I'll never do it again.''  That is a load of bull.  Neither one is sorry.  If John loved his wife, he would not have cheated on her!!!!!

 

Molly's little temper tantrum on stage, threatening to leave, was just ridiculous.  Grow up!  You started this whole thing with someone else's husband!  Grow up and be accountable for what you've done, and stop pouting like a toddler because you don't like what they're saying to you.  You and John are solely responsible for wreaking such pain and anguish on your family. 

 

My sympathies are with Bettie.  All she's done is be good and faithful to her husband, and he had the gall to do this atrocity to her?  I understand why she's got so much anger, why she can't forgive him.  How do you let go of an affair when your husband's not even sorry he did it, let alone telling you to "get over it"?  He's not even sorry for what he did!!! He's basically saying "If I want to have an affair, I will, and she's gonna have to get over it because I said so."  Bettie should kick both her snake of a so-called "husband" and "sister" both out of the house forever, and never look back.  Since he wants to sleep with her sister and not honor his marriage, and Molly wants to run around with married men like a tramp, why don't they just leave Bettie alone and go off in their own sick little world where they deserve each other?  Individuals like these two are perfect for one another-destroying everything around them to get what they want.

 
February 13, 2007, 8:01 am CST

02/13 Secret Love

Quote From: tintin1

I really don't think anyone knows how they will react to a situation until it actually happens to them.  I always said that I would leave in an instant if my husband ever cheated on me.  I also said that he never would cheat.  Well, he did.  With my best friend. For almsot a year.  I saw a few signs, but I didn't want to believe it of either of them.  He finally came and told me.  He truly wanted to save our marriage and he knew he had to come clean.  She wanted to keep it a big secret and I basically forced her to tell her husband.  All 4 of reacted in very different ways to what was going on.  I haven't seen or spoken to her in several years, her husband who continued to be my friend, forgave my husband and his wife (they did divorce and he has since died at the age of 43)  They would have divorced regardless of the affair.  My husband and I have worked very hard the past 5 years to save and repair our marriage.  It is still a struggle sometimes, but we had 17 good  years before the affair and we've had some wonderful times since.  We've also had some very painful times.  Even though I would never want to go through something like this again, the affair forced us to look at our marriage alot more honestly than we had been for some time and to "get real" about it.  Weird as it may sound, in some ways it was a blessing as it did make us sit up and take notice.  I am sad that I don't have my best friend and I am very careful about who I get close to!  My husband and I can talk about it without too much pain anymore (and it is painful for everyone involved), there are certain times of the year, songs, all sorts of things that bring back memories.  I will tell you however, my husband knows that if it ever happens again I am so gone he won't know what hit him!  He will also have to deal with his parents and our adult children knowing.  (My parents and our sisters all know about this)
I always feel it is too bad that other family members become aware of these things. Because sometimes after you are recovering they are there to remind you of throw it into someones face. I hope for you that is not the case. Not always good to air the dirty laundry.
 
February 13, 2007, 8:04 am CST

Good Grief!

 
February 13, 2007, 8:07 am CST

How would the husband responed if his wife cheated on him?

They always show the wife as being unforgiving, but I always wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, would he forgive her?  I doubt it very much - he would be watching her 24/7 and constantly on her case!  Men want their cake and eat it too - but they sure don't want their wives to fool around!  My husband's mistress was gambling, and boy, was I angry when I found it out!  I had to pay all his gambling debts after he died, and I knew nothing about them! 
 
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