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Topic : 03/09 Dominating Spouses

Number of Replies: 258
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Created on : Friday, March 02, 2007, 12:04:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests are tired of being bullied and bossed around by their spouses. They say they are treated like personal assistants, and their lives have become an emotional roller coaster because of their partners' domineering ways. Jodi wants to confront her husband, Frank, who admits he’s a chauvinist. Frank says a woman’s role is to serve the husband, but Jodi says, “Not after today!” After 14 years of being at his beck and call, will Jodi be able to stand up to her husband and demand respect? Then, Ahnika wants her brother-in-law to get a backbone and finally stand up to her controlling sister! She says Sarissa walks all over her husband, Jason, and if she doesn’t change her domineering ways, he’s going to wise up and leave her. Sarissa says she’s forced to take control because her husband doesn’t know how to wear the pants in the family, but Jason says it’s easier to shut down than it is to fight. Can this couple find balance in their family roles? Tell us what you think!

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March 4, 2007, 6:33 pm CST

03/09 Dominating Spouses

Now I know why I have decided to remain single.  It is just too much hassle to be in a relationship anymore and I am too old to change my ways.
 
March 4, 2007, 10:30 pm CST

been there done that

My first marriage was a nightmare, he thought I was there to wait on him hand and foot, like his mother did for his father.
At first I complied with his demands, after 5 years of this I decided enough was enough, and i stood up for myself and told him no more (I AM YOUR WIFE- NOT YOUR SLAVE) He did not like this at all - a year later we were divorced.
Today I am in a happy marriage with a wonderful man who respects and treats me like an angel.
My ex is still single and still can not find the right slave.
Debra (South Africa)

 
March 5, 2007, 1:12 am CST

03/09 Dominating Spouses

Quote From: afraid

i cant for the life of me under stand how it becomes to enter so many peoples mind that when they get married they look upon the one they married as the same way one looks upon a new car purchase, and cant understand why thear spouses want out,its the same when the new car breaks down from a lack of up keep or from not changing the oil,so to people such as i mention i would say to tune up your marriage every 6 months it may keep it from breaking down like your new car will do if you dont keep it tuned up!!!

I work in a trauma medical setting, and I see many individuals who are abused, there is

always a way to escape before it does come to the end result of "Death".

Trauma Specialist, Mike

 
March 5, 2007, 6:21 am CST

I'm starting a new life

I can't wait for this show. The rest of the week's topics don't interest me much except for the Peterson jury. I am legally separating from my husband right now after almost 25 years of marriage. I have been controlled by bullying, verbally and emotionally. Our son was physically abused by him and our other children lived with the chaos. He threatened that if I left, I wouldn't get a dime, that he would never pay for a house he wasn't living in. He thought he could always keep me compliant. He thought wrong. I retained an attorney 5 months ago and did alot of homework and preparation behind the scenes. With my attorney's help, I am staying in the family home and he is having to leave and pay child and spousal support. He tries to make agreements with me that are in his best interest, but I am not falling for it. I am no longer under his control.
 
March 5, 2007, 7:12 am CST

Dominating Spouses

I just want to say that this person speaks the TRUTH and is a person after my own heart.  I was married to a man for 10 years who because of his own hangups and issues thought it was his job to continually degrade, manipulate, criticize, judge, curse, and put me down the entire time.  He also made it his daily job to tell me everything I could not do right according to him and his pet name for me was "half ass"!  I fought back and defended myself until the very end when he chose to walk out still blaming me for EVERYTHING that went wrong with him.  Needless to say i was not very amorous towards him and how he treated me in public had everything to do with how I responded to him in private, thus our sex life was little to zilch.  At the end he told me that he mistreated and picked at me due to his sexual frustration!  We did divorce recently and even though I miss the one I tried to love, my homelife has 100% improved.  I plan to wait as long as it takes before I take the plunge again and going forward, my ex was my greatest teacher of what I will not look for or tolerate in ANY future relationship.. While in the relationship, I remained angry and frustrated.  It was a very tough job to remain in the marriage, when he finally left on his own, even  though it hurt me, the pain was actually my blessing in disguise.  I just didn't realize how abusive the marriage really was until I was no longer in it.  I just thank God I got out of it with my mind in tact and my sanity............
 
March 5, 2007, 7:24 am CST

Dominating Spouses

Quote From: dlynne14

Well, it finally happened.  After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself.  He pushed  my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly.  My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him.  We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc..  She believes him, rather than all her family and friends.  How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. 

We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter.  Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him?

What to do, what to say?  We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says.  We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade.  We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him.

To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!"  Do not become a "jelly woman" for love. 

 

I think this young lady has a clear case of tunnel vision. She's having such a hard time breaking free because she only sees this man as she wants to see him not as he really is........

 

She's confused and is settling for this abuse because she feels she deserves it and when he comes back and apologizes and acts all sweet and loving, this is the man she craves and then she gets fooled into taking him back and participating in an unhealthy relationship which deep down she knows is not right but she talks herself into it . This is false mercy and she needs to understand that she is not his saviour and it's ok to get out! He'll make it just fine and when he's not around, she'll have a chance to not only see him for what and who he really is but heal and get strong as well!

 
March 5, 2007, 7:34 am CST

What to do, what to say?

Quote From: dlynne14

Well, it finally happened.  After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself.  He pushed  my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly.  My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him.  We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc..  She believes him, rather than all her family and friends.  How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. 

We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter.  Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him?

What to do, what to say?  We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says.  We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade.  We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him.

To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!"  Do not become a "jelly woman" for love. 

 

I have been exactly where your daughter is now.  It's a bad cycle to be in no doubt.  But it is a cycle and it sounds as if she's hoping things will improve just because he says they will. 

 

He says he will go to counseling...has she considered seeking counseling for herself?  There are women's centers that offer counseling at a reduced fee or for no charge at all depending on her financial situation.  I recommend CARA (center for rape and abuse).  Perhaps see if there is one available in her area. 

 

It's hard to know what to say to victims of spousal abuse.  She entered into her marriage thinking it would be happily ever after.  We all do.  She is thinking about how her life will change if she were to leave and what will happen to her children.  She knows her situation is bad but she is afraid that the unknown will be worse. 

 

But I suggest you may help to enlighten her on a pretty simple fact of life.  She can't change him.  Only he can change himself.  And if he doesn't do what he's promised to do by seeking help and actively trying to improve himself to be the father and husband he should be, then she owes it to her children to leave.  Yes she should see if he intends to make good on his promises.  Yes she should give her marriage a chance.  One.  But if nothing changes then she needs to get out. 

 

They are empty promises and abusers are very good at saying the words but only a slim amount of them actually make good on them.  It's part of the cycle of abuse. 

 

But she needs to know that if she stays and nothing changes between them the only thing that will change is her children's perspective on relationships.  They will continue the pattern of abuse as adults most likely.   If she has a daughter, she may grow up to marry an abuser.  If she has a son he may turn into an abuser.  And it is her responsiblity as their mother to give the children their best chance at happiness. 

 

Dr. Phil once said "children would rather be FROM a broken home than LIVE in one" 

 

I agree 100%.  Many people say they stay in their marriage for their kids...I left for mine. 

 

I hope your daughter's situation improves, truly.  But you may help her if you suggest she help herself.  She should gather information on domestic abuse and find a professional to speak with. 

 

Bring to light the fact that she is changing who these children are.  Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. 

 

Good luck.  XO

 
March 5, 2007, 8:31 am CST

It's easy to say "Bad Guy" but...

What about the spouse who continuously acquiesces? Yes, it's not healthy to have complete control or dominate one's spouse. But there are two people in the marriage. Sometimes one is very demure and/or afraid & gives control to the other spouse. Sometimes they insist through their words and/or actions.

 

It's just as wrong to take over completely as it is to set back & do nothing or not enough, thereby leaving the other spouse to make the majority of the decisions. It's very demanding & tiresome to have to be the one, real responsible spouse, especially when there are children in the home. It's especially wrong & hurtful to do that to your spouse & then hold it against them for stepping up to the plate where you have done nothing or too little.

 

It takes two.

 
March 5, 2007, 8:42 am CST

What is it?

What is it with 'some' men?  The ones who live with they're heads in the 1950's?  I've come up with my own theory on men and the way their brains work.  I call it...SIMPLIFIED COMPLEXITY!!  Considering how complex the brain actually is...all it's functions, and we all know it controls every organ and function of the body....men have seemingly taken this "complex" body part, and simplified it down to the very basic!   I am guessing, (with some personal validity), that most of these men who act chauvinistic, and think that way...come from parents who didn't teach them how to treat a women properly, or haven't actually had the up-bringing or guidance early in life.  I'm sick of the "blame it on the parents for everything that's wrong in your life," but being married twice in my life...I can see similarity in both husbands, and neither have had mothers or fathers who were there to show them how to treat women when they were growing up!  I guess I choose the same man every time huh?  That would be a whole different topic for me!  Ha!  What's my problem?  Just a thought....
 
March 5, 2007, 8:50 am CST

Therapy anyone?

Dr. Phil~

 

Here is a thought. Is the sister interested in her sisters husband or something? Why is it so important to her that he gets a backbone and stand up to his wife. I hate to see good people walked on also. I have a older sister who is just as domineering as this mans wife. She tries to controll everything from the time of day til when it should turn night. She is very conniving and cannot be trusted with secrets because she will in turn use those same secrets against that person. I have a strong dislike for people of this sort of behavior there should be some sort of class for this subjects.

 
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