Quote From: dlynne14Well, it finally happened. After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself. He pushed my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly. My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him. We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc.. She believes him, rather than all her family and friends. How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person.
We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter. Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him?
What to do, what to say? We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says. We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade. We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him.
To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!" Do not become a "jelly woman" for love.
I have been exactly where your daughter is now. It's a bad cycle to be in no doubt. But it is a cycle and it sounds as if she's hoping things will improve just because he says they will.
He says he will go to counseling...has she considered seeking counseling for herself? There are women's centers that offer counseling at a reduced fee or for no charge at all depending on her financial situation. I recommend CARA (center for rape and abuse). Perhaps see if there is one available in her area.
It's hard to know what to say to victims of spousal abuse. She entered into her marriage thinking it would be happily ever after. We all do. She is thinking about how her life will change if she were to leave and what will happen to her children. She knows her situation is bad but she is afraid that the unknown will be worse.
But I suggest you may help to enlighten her on a pretty simple fact of life. She can't change him. Only he can change himself. And if he doesn't do what he's promised to do by seeking help and actively trying to improve himself to be the father and husband he should be, then she owes it to her children to leave. Yes she should see if he intends to make good on his promises. Yes she should give her marriage a chance. One. But if nothing changes then she needs to get out.
They are empty promises and abusers are very good at saying the words but only a slim amount of them actually make good on them. It's part of the cycle of abuse.
But she needs to know that if she stays and nothing changes between them the only thing that will change is her children's perspective on relationships. They will continue the pattern of abuse as adults most likely. If she has a daughter, she may grow up to marry an abuser. If she has a son he may turn into an abuser. And it is her responsiblity as their mother to give the children their best chance at happiness.
Dr. Phil once said "children would rather be FROM a broken home than LIVE in one"
I agree 100%. Many people say they stay in their marriage for their kids...I left for mine.
I hope your daughter's situation improves, truly. But you may help her if you suggest she help herself. She should gather information on domestic abuse and find a professional to speak with.
Bring to light the fact that she is changing who these children are. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.
Good luck. XO
Dr. Phil’s guests are tired of being bullied and bossed around by their spouses. They say they are treated like personal assistants, and their lives have become an emotional roller coaster because of their partners' domineering ways. Jodi wants to confront her husband, Frank, who admits he’s a chauvinist. Frank says a woman’s role is to serve the husband, but Jodi says, “Not after today!” After 14 years of being at his beck and call, will Jodi be able to stand up to her husband and demand respect? Then, Ahnika wants her brother-in-law to get a backbone and finally stand up to her controlling sister! She says Sarissa walks all over her husband, Jason, and if she doesn’t change her domineering ways, he’s going to wise up and leave her. Sarissa says she’s forced to take control because her husband doesn’t know how to wear the pants in the family, but Jason says it’s easier to shut down than it is to fight. Can this couple find balance in their family roles? Tell us what you think!
