Topic : 03/09 Dominating Spouses

I'm just glad the show's going to deal with the "abuse" coming from both sides. It isn't only domineering husbands. It's wives, too.

I think you hit the nail on the head.  Women and men make lousy choices - over and over.  I think some of them like playing "victim".  They must or they would not keep making the same bad choices or staying with the bad choice!

I know some women that are poster women for shrews and bitches.  I can't imagine staying with them.  Any man who does needs a backbone.  And I have known men who are just as bad but in a different way.  And if you listen to your inner voice - call it gut or instinct - you can usually tell if a guy isn't right for you.  Take away the money, clothes, car, and other trappings and look at the person.  I was single for many years between my 2 marriages and I could usually tell from the first date.  I was fooled a couple of times but never fooled long enough to make a big mistake!  I have been married the second time for 26 years and we have respect for each other and treat each other graciously.  We do have our moments but they never degrade to name calling or violence.

So, down-trodden men and women, get a backbone and stand up for yourselves!  Life is too short to be unhappy with a person.  You can be miserable alone just as easily and you only have yourself to blame.  This life is not a dress rehearsal.

Please, please, please do WHATEVER it takes to keep your precious grandchild out of your daughter's dysfunctional and dangerous world. If it means reporting your daughter's activity or her boyfriend's to the police and child authorites, than BY ALL MEANS do it! You owe it to your grandchild. Your grandchild's safety sould be TOP PRIORITY at all times.

Your daughter is an adult making foolish, sad, dangerous choices. You cannot help her by doing anything for her, but you can enable her. NEVER let her expose your granddaughter to her boyfriends, Keep those boyfriends far away from your home. File restraining orders against them, if you must.

I would not allow your daughter in your own home, if I were you. She will never get help for herself as long as you are giving her a roof over her head. You are coddling her and enabling her and NOT expecting anything from her. You accept her dangerous choices. You are, sadly, enabling her. She has no reason to change her life for the better.

Get your granddaughter in couseling. Get your daughter out of your home. Keep the boyfriends away. If you must take legal action to do all of this, do it.

Your situation is indeed sad, but PLEASE do not give up your control and power. For the sake of your innocent grandchild AND FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DAUGHTER, do not play victim. Be assertive and in control at all times. Find whatever community and private and judicial resources you need to protect your grandchild (and that may mean protecting the child from your daughter).

God bless you. Stay strong so you can fight for that precious child who has no say in her mother's choices. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

You are SO correct.

A friend of my husband's was a MEAN thang! She used to tell him what to do, who he could hang with, she'd scream at him in public and she would ALWAYS be on the other line of the phone when anyone called him.

Funny, but SHE finally divorced him! Although she needed to be in control and belittling someone, she apparently got tired of how easy it was to push him around. He was no challenge to her (at least that's my take on things).

Now this man (who was so sad and upset when she left him) is remarried to a great, sweet woman and they have a super relationship. Not sure what happened to the male-basher of an ex-wife, but sadly she SPAWNED a child and that female child turned out much like her mother. Soon there will another man married to a nasty woman whose abusive!

Had to make myself shut my mouth when this little girl would be mean to her father and tell HIM what to do just like her mother did. So, yes, women can be the domineering, controling, mean ones as well. But most men wouldn't go on Dr. Phil to admit it!!!

This is SO sad. Why aren't you either BOTH in couseling or you ALONE in counseling? If you are both doing nothing, nothing will ever change for the better. You are accepting your circumstances and wearing the "victim" label too comfortably. That's no way to go thru life. It's unfair to you, to him and to any children you have.

As Dr. Phil says, "We teach people how to treat us." What messages are you sending? What are you allowing? Why do you tolerate it? What's the alternative? How is this affecting your children? Is it fair to your children, to you, to him?  Why aren't you willing to make postiive change in your relationship? Why do you feel you don't deserve more? These are ALL QUESTIONS a counselor could help you come to terms with.

My sister was married to a controlling man who belittled her. She finally had enough and moved out. She put herself in therapy. She told him she would not get back with him until he finally joined her in therapy. He eventually did, right after both his parents died, his son didn't speak to him and he had hit rock bottom ALONE.

That was 4 years ago. Since that time, my sister and her husband have a great relationship. If he starts to say something that is less than nice, she stops him in his tracks, reminding him that she will walk out that door (this time NEVER to return...and he knows she means it). She is happy, he is as happy as a man like he can be, his son (from a previous marriage decades ago) now speaks to him and "hangs" with him, and life is good for ALL of them.

My sister took the initiative and stopped being a helpless victim. YOU can, too. God bless you. I hope you will make the CHOICE to change your life for the better. Start with couseling, even if you have to go alone. You CAN do this; I have faith in you!

Stop "waiting,' please. Are you in counseling? Is he? Are both of you together?

Divorce is the last answer. Fixing the problems in you, him, both of you should be first priority.

Be pro-active. Don't sit around watching your relationship deteriorate. Get help for you! It takes two to tangle and how we ALLOW others to treat us is at the core of the problem.

He does what he is allowed to do. You (all of us) teach others how to treat us (what we will accept, etc). Nobody is going to repect you until you respect yourself. How you feel about you is at the root of this problem.

I have been married 18 years to a wonderful man who has never, ever called me a name or said anything bad about me. We are the best of friends. I CHOSE this type of man after living with an abusive father. My sister chose a man much like my father...emotionally abusive. However, after a decade of being a 'victim," my sister fought back by leaving, getting couseling, insisting HE get counseling and then moving back and NOT tolerating any more bad behavior. That was FOUR YEARS ago that she moved back in with her husband. They have a super relationship today. IT CAN BE DONE!!!

You sound defeated. You should sound MOTIVATED for change. You CAN do this!!! Get working on it NOW!!!