Topic : 03/09 Dominating Spouses

i am married to a very manipulative and controlling husband too.  or at least he tries to be controlling.  when he  is not trying to control me or my  mind, then he goes after the kids i babysit, because he knows i'll step in then to protect them.  he has been out of work since sept. 06, and i had an in-home daycare since 2002. that is until he went out on disability.  then he started on them one by one.  the anger, sudden outburst, criticisms, treatment and mental anguish the kids had to bear was more than i could bear.  now i don't have any kids except my 3 month grandson..  i am depressed, dont want to leave my house, not even for the grocery store, spend most days not even getting dressed or showering,  i am on lexapro, suicidal, angry, bitter , numb, and feel like a time bomb ready to blow at the slightest blink of an eye.  i dont talk on the phone(my choice), hate life and wonder why i need to wake up tomorrow.  and all i hear is " if you were  a good christian wife then you would do the things that please me,"  or "why dont you go talk to he pastor or his wife to see how you should be." or the real biggie .." maybe you arent a christian anyway."  i don't wont or feel capable(mentally) of working outside my house right now, dont want to lose my house, dont want to make friends cause he will just run them off anyway.  i hate it that he tries to be such a goody2shoes in front of the church and dogs them when we are alone. theres no winning way out, now winning way in here, and no one to help. all in all, i say hes won.  im not emotionally able to try any more. if you read this, thanks.

                        out of hope and dreams

                         just me

After he "had" me the real him came out but by then it was too late.

I read this sentence with interest and anger.  It is only too late when you are dead! 

Glad to read you saw the light before it was "too late".

As bad as Frank was to his wife, he seems sincere about wanting to change and make it better.  He seemed genuine about just not knowing the right way.  I can relate to that.  Growing up my mom was married and divorced 5 times.  I have never met my real father.  So, I never had an example of the right way to do it.  That is really scary when you get married and start a family!  I believe his intentions were good and genuine, but his behavior and choice of actions to accomplish his 'dream family' were very misguided.  I hope they are able to change and find common ground!! 

Shortly after I had my daughter, I saw my husband starting to slip into this behavior.  I quickly put a nix on that and told him "As your wife, I HAVE to love you, respect you, be faithful to you, and help you lead this family.  What I believe I should do (not have to) is keep our home clean, be the primary force in our children's ilfe, make meals when I can, etc.".  We have deeply discussed what we each believed our role was in a marriage before we got married.  I honestly believe in the scripture that he is the leader of our home, and to anyone outside our family God and my husband are the leaders of our family, the head of household so to speak.  However, we are equals in making decisions.  We are equals in guiding this family and keeping this family together.  He knows he is the leader of our family, but he always knows that we are in it together, always.  He treats me with love and respect and compassion.  From that, he gets just about everything he wants from a wife. 

If you are with in a relationship/marriage with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books which provide a great introduction into the subject of emotional unavailability and family systems: 

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins OR Overcoming Passive-Aggression:  How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships...by Tim Murphy and Loriann Hoff Oberlin

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss 

There are marriages and relationships that are so destructive that the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  The decision to leave another person is never easy.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave so that you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can eventually learn to live a joyful and peaceful life. 

Hope it helps!