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Topic : 05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Number of Replies: 440
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Created on : Friday, March 16, 2007, 10:16:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 3/20/07) With a 50 percent divorce rate in America, do people getting married think that signing on the line will make their relationship better? Karrie's husband of 10 years, Ben, cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend and is so obsessed with strippers and pornography that he has lost jobs and dragged them into thousands of dollars of debt. Ben admits to being a sex addict, but says he doesn't know how to stop acting out. Is Ben the only one to blame for their crumbling marriage, or did Karrie set up their union for disaster? Then, Sean and Defina have only been married for two months, but she has already caught him cheating twice. She is now consumed with checking his cell phone, looking in his car and even smelling his pants to see if he's been with another woman. Is Sean ready to make a change, or should Defina get out now? Can these couples learn to love their spouses and be happy in their marriages? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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March 19, 2007, 2:14 am CDT

her ex boyfriend caught an std

Quote From: kannbull

I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and twice that I know of, he cheated on me.  He caught HPV and tried to blame his ex-wife.   He has sexual perversions and is totally addicted to the internet and is on all the dating sites he could possibly be on. 

I did everything to keep him happy.  I put a front tooth in for him, got his house out of foreclosure, co-signed a loan for his daughter, put his parents and brother on my payroll and he still cheated and finally he just left me.  I was extremely good to him and treated him to all of our vacations.  I am totally broke, but thank God I didn't catch his std.  He's dating someone new now and I'm sure he didn't tell her about his HPV.  I feel so used because I truly did love him unconditionally.  It wasn't enough for him.  I don't know what he's looking for.  In spite of all this, I miss him tremendously and am having a difficult time getting over it.

Hi,
Well done! You have escaped this destructive relationship. You have done everything that you possibly could but that man did not deserve you. He is a junkie of sorts and will never get better or be able to maintain a loving relationship because he hates himself. Who would want to get themselves in as much trouble as he has? Only people who don't want to deal with what lies deep inside will keep going like he is.
why did you keep loving him unconditionally? You must have known some way into the relationship that he was not giving to you. You must have expectations in a relationship. You must expect to be loved in return. You can not make a person love you but if they dont, stop making excuses for them and leave their sorry butts. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
You must now do what ever you have to do to protect yourself. There must be some legal way that you can get back some of the money that you gave to him or elce just cut your losses and love yourself enough to stay away from anything to do with him. Try also to read any books on co dependency. Some of us are attracted to people who need 'fixing' and our giving nature lands us in a mess like this. Give only to yourself for at least 6 months. Spoil yourself! say no to everybody! Let people look after you. Join groups and societies that are of interest to you where you can meet like minded people. Every time you see a flower or sunshine or a bird or any thing beautiful that nature has to offer, let the beauty of them sink into your heart. Thats all you need right now and if you have good friends, be with them. Forget that man. Take care of yourself. Cry but inbetween, live, keep busy. You will get over him. Good luck
 
March 19, 2007, 2:17 am CDT

i hate this marriage

Quote From: kannbull

I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and twice that I know of, he cheated on me.  He caught HPV and tried to blame his ex-wife.   He has sexual perversions and is totally addicted to the internet and is on all the dating sites he could possibly be on. 

I did everything to keep him happy.  I put a front tooth in for him, got his house out of foreclosure, co-signed a loan for his daughter, put his parents and brother on my payroll and he still cheated and finally he just left me.  I was extremely good to him and treated him to all of our vacations.  I am totally broke, but thank God I didn't catch his std.  He's dating someone new now and I'm sure he didn't tell her about his HPV.  I feel so used because I truly did love him unconditionally.  It wasn't enough for him.  I don't know what he's looking for.  In spite of all this, I miss him tremendously and am having a difficult time getting over it.

Hi,
Well done! You have escaped this destructive relationship. You have done everything that you possibly could but that man did not deserve you. He is a junkie of sorts and will never get better or be able to maintain a loving relationship because he hates himself. Who would want to get themselves in as much trouble as he has? Only people who don't want to deal with what lies deep inside will keep going like he is.
why did you keep loving him unconditionally? You must have known some way into the relationship that he was not giving to you. You must have expectations in a relationship. You must expect to be loved in return. You can not make a person love you but if they dont, stop making excuses for them and leave their sorry butts. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
You must now do what ever you have to do to protect yourself. There must be some legal way that you can get back some of the money that you gave to him or elce just cut your losses and love yourself enough to stay away from anything to do with him. Try also to read any books on co dependency. Some of us are attracted to people who need 'fixing' and our giving nature lands us in a mess like this. Give only to yourself for at least 6 months. Spoil yourself! say no to everybody! Let people look after you. Join groups and societies that are of interest to you where you can meet like minded people. Every time you see a flower or sunshine or a bird or any thing beautiful that nature has to offer, let the beauty of them sink into your heart. Thats all you need right now and if you have good friends, be with them. Forget that man. Take care of yourself. Cry but inbetween, live, keep busy. You will get over him. Good luck
 
March 19, 2007, 7:15 am CDT

help the kids please

I can only hope that  Dr Phil will touch on how to help the children of an addicted man. My ex went from one addiction to another. I was so proud of him when he just stopped drinking when I left him but later through the counselling I went thru, I found out that he can't do it on his own. That was so very true. He then turned to sex or maybe sex was there all along but I was blind to it. As I've been told by many " those who don't cheat don't suspect" and I didn't until my children found there father having cybersex with their aunt on the computer, the porn was unbelievable and to later find out just how many women was sickening.
BUT the escape for me was easier than it will ever be for my girls. I can divorce him and not be involved in his sickness( I tried everything to get him to get help first). How do my girls survive? How do they have healthy, loving, trusting marriages in their future? How do they ever respect their father again?
HE hasn't changed. The girls have been forced by the courts to visit with him. He has had over 10 public girlfriends the girls try to deal with in 2 years. He married about 6 months ago and she moved him out last month when she discovered his addiction herself. She treated my girls horribly just like the others, saying they are disrespectful to their dad. They can't believe that my 13yr. old calls her dad my his first name etc.....
My 13 yr. old daughter has been to counselling and all they could do was show her "HOW TO SURVIVE" living with an addict. This makes no sense to me. Please tell me my girls can do more than just survive. They are beginning yet another round with the women in his life and I want them to flourish, not survive. Help..
 
March 19, 2007, 8:45 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


 
March 19, 2007, 10:27 am CDT

easy but hard

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


 get the hell out. you are entitled to a life and you are wasting it on someone who doesn't love themselves so how can they love you. When you first go you feel so alone but you need to turn to family and friends and start a new life. Take it slow but just keep moving forward. Love yourself enough to go. It took me over a year to realize I count.
 
March 19, 2007, 10:30 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


ok, you love this man but look what he's doing to himself as well as you. Sorry, but if I was married to someo ne like him, I would get out of the marriage, you have to tsand up for your self and not allow this in your marriage. If he wants to change, he can with professional help and lots of work but you do not have to be with him to make this happen. You have to give him some sort of a wake up call, cause he isn't going to stop other wise.

I am so for marriage, I think marriage is awesome but it's suppsoe to be about TWO people, no other man/woman belongs in your marriage, the committment is between you and him, every one else that he is involved with are intruders and self centered punks, you deserve better then this and if you want better, do soemthing about it. he is using and manipulating you,he has prostitiutes and you, he has what he wants, get out and make him earn his way back to you.

I think divorce is a cop out for a lot of people in this society but in your case, I would recomend you leaving him and go from there, if he truly loves you and wants his marriage then he will do something about it, it will take time, it's not going to be  an over night change but it is possible, but a thtis point, it doesn't sound like he wants to change, he wants his cake and icing both, you don't have to give it to him!
 
March 19, 2007, 10:30 am CDT

Someting Short

Quote From: housewife52

I don't know how long they knew each other before the marriage but I have to believe something was not right prior to the "I do's".
Other than the document, this is no marriage.  If the guy wanted to be married, this wouldn't be happening and certainly not this fast.  It's hard to believe she didn't have any idea.
 
March 19, 2007, 10:50 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


You guys really need some serious marriage counseling if you really want to stay together.  However, if I were in your shoes, I would pack my suitcase and runa s fast as I could.  As a human being, you deserve better than this.  If he continually says that he wants to stop, but won't get help, there is still something that is drawing him to this behavior.  You know the saying, you can lead a horse to water.....   You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else and it doesn't sound like you are doing that.  Run, don't walk, and get out and take care of you.  You are the only person that you have to live the rest of your life with - and wouldn't you rather be clean and disease free while doing that!  Good luck!
 
March 19, 2007, 11:29 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: julieeagan

I can only hope that  Dr Phil will touch on how to help the children of an addicted man. My ex went from one addiction to another. I was so proud of him when he just stopped drinking when I left him but later through the counselling I went thru, I found out that he can't do it on his own. That was so very true. He then turned to sex or maybe sex was there all along but I was blind to it. As I've been told by many " those who don't cheat don't suspect" and I didn't until my children found there father having cybersex with their aunt on the computer, the porn was unbelievable and to later find out just how many women was sickening.
BUT the escape for me was easier than it will ever be for my girls. I can divorce him and not be involved in his sickness( I tried everything to get him to get help first). How do my girls survive? How do they have healthy, loving, trusting marriages in their future? How do they ever respect their father again?
HE hasn't changed. The girls have been forced by the courts to visit with him. He has had over 10 public girlfriends the girls try to deal with in 2 years. He married about 6 months ago and she moved him out last month when she discovered his addiction herself. She treated my girls horribly just like the others, saying they are disrespectful to their dad. They can't believe that my 13yr. old calls her dad my his first name etc.....
My 13 yr. old daughter has been to counselling and all they could do was show her "HOW TO SURVIVE" living with an addict. This makes no sense to me. Please tell me my girls can do more than just survive. They are beginning yet another round with the women in his life and I want them to flourish, not survive. Help..
 
 
March 19, 2007, 12:32 pm CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

I would like to think that people can change.  Dr. Phil must seem to think that people can change if they are willing to admit to their "problem" and help themselves.  He has always offered help beyond the show for couples who's marriages are in trouble.

 

I myself have been with the father of my child for 5 1/2 years.  He had cheated on me a couple time with his ex wife.  I had decided to stay with him and try to frogive and work things out.  He had done a lot to change certain things, but still has not fully changed.

 

Unfortunatley he was not brought up in a 2 parent home and learned from an early age that cheating was acceptable (in his father's eye).  His father has cheated on every woman he has been with.  His 3rd wife had finally filed for divorce a couple months back because she couldn't take it anymore.  A grown 52 year old man still cheating?

 

Not that your upbringing is a cop-out for your behaviors, but it is an issue.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if I am crazy for my decision.  But, as I see it you don't wake up tomorrow and stop loving someone.  If he will be willing to earn my trust back, I will give him that chance.  I love him that much and I love our daughter.

 

We had always said before our daughter was born, that any "issue" or "argument" that we had was absolutely not to be discussed in front of the children. 

 

I truely hope for the people who will be on the show, that they find some peace in talking with Dr. Phil and can find the path that will make themselves happy.

 

 
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