Message Boards

Topic : 05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Number of Replies: 440
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, March 16, 2007, 10:16:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 3/20/07) With a 50 percent divorce rate in America, do people getting married think that signing on the line will make their relationship better? Karrie's husband of 10 years, Ben, cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend and is so obsessed with strippers and pornography that he has lost jobs and dragged them into thousands of dollars of debt. Ben admits to being a sex addict, but says he doesn't know how to stop acting out. Is Ben the only one to blame for their crumbling marriage, or did Karrie set up their union for disaster? Then, Sean and Defina have only been married for two months, but she has already caught him cheating twice. She is now consumed with checking his cell phone, looking in his car and even smelling his pants to see if he's been with another woman. Is Sean ready to make a change, or should Defina get out now? Can these couples learn to love their spouses and be happy in their marriages? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.


More May 2007 Show Boards


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 20, 2007, 7:03 am CDT

Aint it the truth Ruth

Quote From: livvygirl

It is beyond my comprehension why any woman with an ounce of self-repect would stay in a marriage with a man who runs around on her.  Why should either of these guys change?  They obviously enjoy what they do, and their wives have made it perfectly clear that they're willing to put up with anything and everything, just to hang on to their man.

 

If a wife wants to put up with that sort of crap ("sexual addiction" PUH-LEEZE!!), I guess that's her right, but then why complain about it?  When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.

 

 

Are these same women going to come crying back to Dr. P when they get a venereal disease from there philandering husbands and expect him to fix  that too.
 
March 20, 2007, 7:12 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


Your husband has unprotected sex with prostitutes, comes home and sleeps with you, and you "love him with all your heart"?  Your marriage may be precious to you, but it sure isn't precious to him.  The only way a therapist could help is if you BOTH wanted things to change, and it doesn't seem like he does - he just wants to keep his hustle going, and have you there to take care of him when he wants you around. 

 

You want advice?  Here it is - GET AWAY FROM HIM!!  He does not love you if he could expose you to an STD or a deadly disease - this is NOT your fault!!  You can love him all you want, but remember that your love cannot change him.  You owe yourself more than this.  I know it's not easy, but if you stay, things will just keep on the way they've been going, and you will be left with nothing.  Don't do that to yourself.  Good luck.

 
March 20, 2007, 7:34 am CDT

come on please..

is the first wife for real. it's all about her her her..come on really she's the one who brought this side of this life into their relationship and now that he bit she dont' like it. i don't like her or how she is acting about it. she is laughing way to much for her to really be serious about this. i feel like they really aren't not liking this but this is their way for attention because if this was really bothering her then she would be doing something about it. i mean she is breastfeeding 2 babies and hasn't had a disease test..what mom wouldn't do that. think about it. i have 2 kids and i would do everything to protect them and shes not doing anything. i think they are faking i dont' think this is a true couple that really needs help i think it's publicity..
 
March 20, 2007, 7:38 am CDT

Hello To Our Canadian Friend

Quote From: canadianlady

Only God can heal this marriage.  Humanly speaking a wife cannot ever trust a husband who has cheated on her.   Having said that I do admire wives who stay with a cheating spouse but only on the condition that the husband shows her he is willing to win back her trust.  As most of us are aware pornography is rampant on the internet.  Another issue that needs to be dealt with are chat rooms where men con women who frequent those rooms.   I am shocked at the behavior of  some women in those chat rooms.  As Dr. Phil says:  "You treat others how to treat you."  If you allow men in chat rooms to talk sexually to you and indulge in webcaming without your clothes on, in my mind, you are asking for trouble and heartache.  I am appalled at women who believe what men tell them in private chats.  In a chat conversation the words typed are simply words until you meet that person and find out if what was typed is true.   I personally had a live in relationship with a man who indulged in masturbating with women in chat rooms.  When I found out it made me feel used, degraded, my self-esteem went down at an all time low (first time I experienced this).   I'm happy to say I found the courage to leave this relationship and swore to myself that I would never again even go out with a man who spent time in chat rooms or looked at pornography.  I don't know what women are thinking.....most men hate talking on the phone yet they can spend hours on the internet either typing to other women or looking at pornography.   Isn't this kind of behavior a red flag that something is not kosher???  I think most men who get caught at cheating in any form are just sorry because they got caught and will promise anything to have their cake and eat it too.  The question I asked myself when I found my live in boyfriend cybersexing with other women is the following:  "Am I willing to spend goodness knows how many years feeling all these different emotions and living with a man I am constantly suspicious of".  My answer was no because it was not worth it.  To all men and even women out there cybersexing or looking at pornography is cheating if you're married or in a serious relationship.   

Your post left me with a god deal to think about.  I am male, and I had to think about the various things now available on the internet.  I can't believe this is just me, but all the internet information, chat rooms etc. are fairly new to me.  So, if I say something stupid, please bear with me.  It seems that these are new avenues in which a person could rationalize that they are not really cheating since there is no physical contact involved.  I don't mean that this is right.  I just mean I could see people doing it.   It's sort of a way to cheat without cheating and thereby leave their conscience clear.  I wonder though if their conscience is truly clear?  There must be a nagging doubt.  I know I would not be comfortable with any of the things you describe because my gut reaction would be to feel disloyal.  These men have to come to see it that way as well, I think.  I am optimistic that many of these men will come to realize that this is wrong.  My standard test is this.  Would I do this with my wife standing there watching me?  If not, I shouldn't do it at all.  To paraphrase Dr. Phil, I have to actually understand the feelings something like this would generate in my wife.  I know I would be angry if she did it, so how can I say I should be able to?

 

I'm sorry about my rambling, but the conclusion I reach is very much like your own.  I think it is something that actually should be discussed between partners these days.  That way there is no room for misunderstanding AND both people are forced to acknowledge this upfront. 

 
March 20, 2007, 7:47 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


I understand that even with the circumstances it is hard to look at the end of 26 years.  One of the things that irritates me (as a man) is the way many women in problem situations don't leave because they fear the unknown.  They are very unsure how they will get by without their partner.  Usually, in fact, they think so little of themselves they can't believe there would ever be happiness for them outside the marriage.  If he will not make a sincere effort to get counseling, then you have to think of yourself.  You have many things in life you have never experienced and you can't let this feeling of failure drag you down.  You did not fail.  He did.  Please get into counseling on your own if he won't go.  You have a chance.  Think enough of yourself to take it.
 
March 20, 2007, 8:08 am CDT

too My ex..

Perfection

 

I woke up this morning and suddenly realized
I am astounding amazing and alive
It’s great to exhale, to breathe in my allure
I'm enough without you
Without you I am More.

 

I'm perfection in my imperfection
I am graceful when I fall
I am freedom personified
I'm the answer too it all.

 

You’re compelled to say something
I watch your lips move
Yelling how I'm nothing
I’ll be nothing without you.

 

What was this power
you had over me
Its vanishing like a puff of smoke
Until all I can do is leave.

 

I'm perfection in my imperfection
I am graceful when I fall
I am freedom personified
I'm the answer too it all.

 

Your fury has no meaning
these feeble insults to make your point
You expect cursing will make me crumble
But all you make is noise.

 

Lean close, you know I whisper
You will not bring me hurt
I won't placate you with excuses
So cling to every word

.

I don't care what happens
where you go or who you do
and as of this morning
I'm nothing that concerns you.

 

I'm perfection in my imperfection
I am graceful when I fall
I am freedom personified,
I'm the answer to it all.

 

~adr(me)

 

April

 
March 20, 2007, 8:33 am CDT

To The Ladies

I certainly do not speak for all men, but I cannot be silent about this topic.  It is extremely embarrassing to me in that most of the posts identify behavior that is clearly wrong on the part of my fellow men.  There are no excuses.  This behavior (whether cybersex or prostitutes) has no redeeming feature and no excuse.  I find myself reading about enormous pain suffered by the victims of this and I almost have a need to apologize for it.  Unfortunately the only solution I can see is for men in general to wake up and see that this is not macho, but very juvenile.  I'll admit that it's probably a good thing the PCs weren't around when I went through puberty, but I can't come up with any excuse for a "man" to act like this.

I can't really believe that those who do these things really get what it does to their wives or girl friends.  I think I'll just sit here and shake my head.

 
March 20, 2007, 8:35 am CDT

Very Good

Quote From: twistypri

Perfection

 

I woke up this morning and suddenly realized
I am astounding amazing and alive
Its great to exhale, to breathe in my allure
I'm enough without you
Without you I am More.

 

I'm perfection in my imperfection
I am graceful when I fall
I am freedom personified
I'm the answer too it all.

 

Youre compelled to say something
I watch your lips move
Yelling how I'm nothing
Ill be nothing without you.

 

What was this power
you had over me
Its vanishing like a puff of smoke
Until all I can do is leave.

 

I'm perfection in my imperfection
I am graceful when I fall
I am freedom personified
I'm the answer too it all.

 

Your fury has no meaning
these feeble insults to make your point
You expect cursing will make me crumble
But all you make is noise.

 

Lean close, you know I whisper
You will not bring me hurt
I won't placate you with excuses
So cling to every word

.

I don't care what happens
where you go or who you do
and as of this morning
I'm nothing that concerns you.

 

I'm perfection in my imperfection
I am graceful when I fall
I am freedom personified,
I'm the answer to it all.

 

adr(me)

 

April

I wonder if he really knows what he's missing.  Well written.
 
March 20, 2007, 8:59 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: flrat69

I certainly do not speak for all men, but I cannot be silent about this topic.  It is extremely embarrassing to me in that most of the posts identify behavior that is clearly wrong on the part of my fellow men.  There are no excuses.  This behavior (whether cybersex or prostitutes) has no redeeming feature and no excuse.  I find myself reading about enormous pain suffered by the victims of this and I almost have a need to apologize for it.  Unfortunately the only solution I can see is for men in general to wake up and see that this is not macho, but very juvenile.  I'll admit that it's probably a good thing the PCs weren't around when I went through puberty, but I can't come up with any excuse for a "man" to act like this.

I can't really believe that those who do these things really get what it does to their wives or girl friends.  I think I'll just sit here and shake my head.

I have to say that this sort of behavior is not confined to men - there are plenty of women out there who lie, manipulate, and use good and decent people for their own gain.  I don't believe that these people care at ALL about their spouses - they will SAY they do when they get caught, or when the spouse finally gets fed up and wants out - but that's just another manipulation to keep their victim around.  Users are very, very good at picking their victims, and know just what the victim wants to hear - "I LOVE you baby, please don't leave me, I'll be good, I'll change, I'm just SO SORRY I hurt you" and on and on it goes.  They don't mean a WORD of it!!

 

As disgusting and contemptible as I find these bottom-dwellers, I also get fed up with those of us who ALLOW ourselves to be victimized for years, and then want to cry and complain about it..  If you fling yourself down as a doormat, don't be surprised when you get walked on!

 

The wives on the show today need to take control of their OWN lives and stop trying to change men who don't want to change.  That's all they have control over - themselves!

 
March 20, 2007, 9:10 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

I am at a loss for words on how to express feeling after reading today's couples' stories.  Men like them have no business getting a girlfriend, let alone getting married, period.

 

If people today would value their relationships, save themselves sexually for marriage, and refuse to do anything that could harm their loved ones mentally, physically, or emotionally, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.  It's such a shame that people care nothing for marriage, or for being faithful.  It is just one of much evidence that today's world is getting worse and worse.  We need GOD in our lives, not porn or hookers!  If everybody would stop living for what they want and getting their way, and put God first, let Jesus Christ work in their heart and lives, and actually care and love and respect people, things wouldn't be so bad today. 

 

If you want to lie, cheat, and treat someone like that, don't get married.  Spare them from the pain that cheating brings.

 

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Next | Last