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Topic : 05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Number of Replies: 440
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Created on : Friday, March 16, 2007, 10:16:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 3/20/07) With a 50 percent divorce rate in America, do people getting married think that signing on the line will make their relationship better? Karrie's husband of 10 years, Ben, cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend and is so obsessed with strippers and pornography that he has lost jobs and dragged them into thousands of dollars of debt. Ben admits to being a sex addict, but says he doesn't know how to stop acting out. Is Ben the only one to blame for their crumbling marriage, or did Karrie set up their union for disaster? Then, Sean and Defina have only been married for two months, but she has already caught him cheating twice. She is now consumed with checking his cell phone, looking in his car and even smelling his pants to see if he's been with another woman. Is Sean ready to make a change, or should Defina get out now? Can these couples learn to love their spouses and be happy in their marriages? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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June 6, 2007, 1:14 pm CDT

05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: duckydes

I wish there were a lot more men like you!  I agree that sometimes girls/women seem to be drawn to "bad boys".  They definitely don't think about consequences like getting pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted disease.  Yes, babies are adorable, but are they really ready to be parents?  And is the bad boy ready to get married and settle down? 

 

It is sad that children seem to have been pushed way down the list in priorities.  Both of their parents are at work, and the kids are home alone before and after school. 

sooo true...

 I'm 21, and alot of my friends are starting to get older, and think about having families and children....Its really interesting when you notice that the least important part of those plans is always the partner.

I always hear..." Im ready to have kids, Ive got a good job....I can support myself, and I have a boyfriend..." But theres very little emphasis on picking the right partner...at least not as much as there should be.

They just want a willing partner.....or a good-looking one.....or one with money. definatly sad.

 
June 6, 2007, 1:40 pm CDT

05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: tinyoftexas

   

  On May 30th, 2007, you had a mother and daughter on your show who were having trouble. You looked at the daughter and said, you don't want to have a child on your hip and be a waitress. And what is wrong with being a waitress? My mother was a waitress and had it not been for her  HONEST JOB, we would have been hungry.I also have a good friend that was divorced with three kids and made a HONEST LIVING for them by being a waitress. There is NO SHAME in any HONEST JOB.

 

  

 

 

 I think his point wasnt that theres anything wrong with being a waitress....but when your young, and in school, and making plans for what you want to do for the rest of your life.

 lets  be honest.....nobody picks waitress. He was clearly appealing to what she could do to make her own life better.

 
June 6, 2007, 8:35 pm CDT

Whenever you want to ramble

Quote From: insideoutat52

Thank you M for the reply to my message. I appreciate your words of 'wisdom'. Before I actually got back here I had decided to separate from my husband. I am sad about that but I have known for a long time that unless I could figure out how to change my reaction to his behavior we had a bleek future. I love him, or at least the him I used to know...not this one. I want to honour my vows and you are correct in saying that none of us are perfect, we can all make mistakes. I am sad about my step dtr who is just a teen and I am sad about my inlaws whom I care about very much. Most of all tho, I need to take care of myself and I do not seem to be able to do that while I am around my husband. I do not know where I have gone. I used to be such a strong and independent woman. I have little zest for anything now and I think if it were not for my children I would have nothing. My dad passed away when I was in my thirties and I miss him everyday so  I know  that I would not do that to them.  I wish that I could afford counselling  but as I am not working, it's out. (sorry, do not know what I have done to the font!?) Last Sunday my husband went out with this new and much yonger male friend. Said he was going to see his friend's new place. Said he'd be back by 9pm. At ten I called the friend's house and was told by the room mate that my husband and his friend had gone out. At 1am he calls, all 'drinked up'  from a phone in some club and wants me to come pick him up. (1/2 hour trip each way) I said no, I was sleeping. He said he missed the last bus and 'ah com'on, he wants to sleep at home with me.' I told him I wasn't his taxi and why not just stay the nite at his friend's and head  to work Monday as it was closer anyways. He wasn't happy. His friend called me back and said it was his fault that my husband didn't get the bus, he said that he told my husband that I would just come and pick him up. He said my husband was falling asleep and needed a ride home. I said put him in a cab. Today is Wednesday, 10pm and I have heard nothing from my husband at all. I called his friend's house today and left a message for his friend to call me. No returned call. My husband's work called today to ask where he was. I told them I thought he was at work. I have 200 dollars to my name. I'm not sure where I am going to go, but I am going to go. I need time to think. My best friend died last year, my son loves his step father and would be thinking this was all my fault, my daughters have wanted me to leave since all this started and I cannot bare their happiness right now. I could go stay at my mom's (with all those interesting strings). I think I'll need to get a job. My mother in law's would be good but then this is her son and she lives in another country anyways. I think I am rambling. I'd better close. Thanks for listening.

you just ramble away.  writing things down some times can actually help clear the mind youknow maybe some journaling would help?  There's an awful lot of pain wrapped up in all this for you whether you stay or go & it must just be over whelming.  I know you've become attatched & love his family like they're yours & when we marry they ARE our family & it's exhrusiating to have to leave your in-laws & your step drt  behind, but maybe you'll be able to have some phone contact with your step dtr & assure her if she needs you you're just a call away.  I also know you're concerned about the reaction of your children & dealing with all that but you know it's going to be ok & your son will eventually understand.  There's been so much pain for you in the past few years that you really need to put your needs first right now.  You sound like your daughters would be jumping for joy & you're in a place where you're unable to handle that, but you know if there's room where they are come right out & tell them that, you need a place to get back on your feet but you're not able to handle a jovial atmosphere right now because there's just been too much loss for you.  Was it with one of your daughters you were already staying with or your son?  I thought you'd said you were staying with a grown child right?  Do go & seek out a job.  Not only will a job busy your mind & take your mind off your sorrow but it'll help pay the bills at the same time.  And please honey do something nice for yourself, pamper yourself a bit even if that's just with a soak in the tub & a nice smelling aromatherapy candle to help relax a bit.  Good luck & remember if you need to ramble by all means ramble.

 
June 25, 2007, 2:14 pm CDT

05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: momakababe

you just ramble away.  writing things down some times can actually help clear the mind youknow maybe some journaling would help?  There's an awful lot of pain wrapped up in all this for you whether you stay or go & it must just be over whelming.  I know you've become attatched & love his family like they're yours & when we marry they ARE our family & it's exhrusiating to have to leave your in-laws & your step drt  behind, but maybe you'll be able to have some phone contact with your step dtr & assure her if she needs you you're just a call away.  I also know you're concerned about the reaction of your children & dealing with all that but you know it's going to be ok & your son will eventually understand.  There's been so much pain for you in the past few years that you really need to put your needs first right now.  You sound like your daughters would be jumping for joy & you're in a place where you're unable to handle that, but you know if there's room where they are come right out & tell them that, you need a place to get back on your feet but you're not able to handle a jovial atmosphere right now because there's just been too much loss for you.  Was it with one of your daughters you were already staying with or your son?  I thought you'd said you were staying with a grown child right?  Do go & seek out a job.  Not only will a job busy your mind & take your mind off your sorrow but it'll help pay the bills at the same time.  And please honey do something nice for yourself, pamper yourself a bit even if that's just with a soak in the tub & a nice smelling aromatherapy candle to help relax a bit.  Good luck & remember if you need to ramble by all means ramble.

To mamakababe...wow!  You're a very kind person and your uniqueness hasn't gone unnoticed.  I too feel the same as the woman you were replying to, in the way of, "should I stay or should I go?"  You have some good advice in your reply, but it's extremely hard to do those things sometimes when you feel you're trapped.  Maybe my situation isn't exactly the same, as I fear being hunted down by some interesting friends of my husband, but nonetheless, I wish I could do something for me and move on in life and finally be happy.  I too thank you for your reply, as it would have been nice to have someone say, "go ahead and ramble away to me."  Now I feel like I should just shut up!  No one cares or needs to hear me anyway.  I've exhausted all my resources for "listening" so I guess I'm alone now.  But thank you for everything you wrote!
 
June 27, 2007, 8:02 am CDT

05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: nanc83

To mamakababe...wow!  You're a very kind person and your uniqueness hasn't gone unnoticed.  I too feel the same as the woman you were replying to, in the way of, "should I stay or should I go?"  You have some good advice in your reply, but it's extremely hard to do those things sometimes when you feel you're trapped.  Maybe my situation isn't exactly the same, as I fear being hunted down by some interesting friends of my husband, but nonetheless, I wish I could do something for me and move on in life and finally be happy.  I too thank you for your reply, as it would have been nice to have someone say, "go ahead and ramble away to me."  Now I feel like I should just shut up!  No one cares or needs to hear me anyway.  I've exhausted all my resources for "listening" so I guess I'm alone now.  But thank you for everything you wrote!
you're not alone.  If you want to ramble on &/or you need someone to listen you can find me on any message board I'm presently on by clicking on my name.  unless I'm done on that board or for some reason don'g see your post I'll be more than happy to listen.  You know there a whole sectionon relationships & marriage.  If you're in an abusive relationship there's a board for "abuse" & you'd be able to find many there who are more than willing to listne too.  They're a wealth of advice & happy to let you "ramble"  :) 
 
July 11, 2007, 5:27 pm CDT

05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

I can relate to everything you are going though. I am 35 years old and twice I trusted, instead of  REALLY listening to my heart. I left the father of my first 2 children. I was 22 years old he was 35 years old. He lied to me age. I was mentally abused by him. He accused me of cheating on him. I never ever cheated he he would lock me in his house with a two way lock on his door and he would take his home phone with him. The day our daughter was born he took photos of our baby. He developed it with the 1 hour priority & he went over to this woman's place who was supposed to be my friend and they ended up having sex. 9 months later I was pregnant again. I was on birth control pills but he tampered with it ripping a few packages of my 12 month supply and filling my dial with SUGER PILL'S. This same woman who also had a baby 3 weeks before I had my first baby went to Las Vegas and Disneyland when I was expecting my 2 baby. I had 2 baby's in 19 months, with this man. I survived it. I left him when my baby was 2 month's old. 2 1/2 years later I had my life together on my own I was happy doing well. I met what I thought was the man of my dreams. He was my age, he told me he was single and living with his grandparent's to help them out. he had a well paying job. I was on cloud 9. I thought God blessed me with a man who accepted my package deal. He was a best friend, he was handsome, EVERYTHING I had long to have in a relationship. He was fun and adventurous but he also had another life I didn't know about. He told me his last relationship ended a year before and it was only a sex convenience. We had only been dating about 3 months, we were together a lot so I asked him to move in. I think back now that I was insecure, I didn't want to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. He moved in to my place but not out of his grandparent's home like he told me but from the mother of his unborn babies. When we met he was with another woman who was pregnant. I was not told of this. It was after he moved in to my home that I received a call from this woman who found my phone number in his wallet. She asked me if I knew he had kid's. The twin's weren't born yet. I was shocked. When I questioned him He told me she was crazy and that she was with a lot of other men. Well he convinced me because I wanted to believe him so bad. The day came that her twins were born and I found out he went to the hospital, from his boss who my boyfriend lied to saying his grandmother was rush in. I figure it out. I went to the hospital I saw him there, he didn't see me. My heart broke. I left after I saw the evidence of him there. When he came home a few hour's later I acting like I didn't know anything. I had hoped he would tell me on his own, he didn't. 2 day's later he told me that he heard they were born, he asked me to go with him to the hospital to see if they looked like him. That's when I met her. She had a bruise on her arm, I asked her what happened, she said he did it. out of anger. he defended it saying she was a liar. After their birth I caught him twice at her house. I then wrote him a letter to him saying that I felt he should go back to her to see if they could be a family and maybe his place is with her it broke my heart to say it. He refused saying he wanted a DNA TEST. He loved me not her. Well the test showed he was the father. I supported him in court to get joint custody and visitation. I support him and ended up marrying him. Some how we got through it. I was convinced his EX was CRAZY. As she tried to move down the street from us. She started harassing us. In the end he stopped having anything to do with his kid's to avoid her. He felt it was better to wait till they were older, Family services were involved with her, because they were concerned with her parenting.  3 years later he used against me he was too busy supporting my children to be with his. I ended up marrying this man and having my last child with him. I ended up with a man who had anger issues, a sex addiction I had him charged with SEXUAL ASSAULT WITH A WEAPON against me I had him forced into anger management and sexual offense counseling. A year later I discovered he would always throw out the garbage at night when I was sleeping. So one night after he threw it out and went to sleep I went and got it out of the bin, I ripped it open and found ripped up paper 's take out foodreciept's, bank statement's, phone number's etc. i dug in the garbage bin twice after this finding ripped up paper's again at the bottom of the bag. I confront him with this. His reason being IDENTITY THEFT.  Years later I still question why he didn't just leave when I told him to try being with her.

 
September 30, 2007, 7:36 pm CDT

3/20/07 show.........I was at the taping

I was so looking forward to seeing a Dr. Phil taping. I was hoping for a giveaway like Oprah has, just kidding. I honestly was hoping for a family matters/self matter "Ish" type of taping, or even a makeover mom would have been great! What I got to see was the "victim" wife who knew what she was getting into and then playing the victim when her husband got deeper into his porn/stripper behavior..................not addiction to me..................a choice in behavior. My pastor and his wife and another friend of mine went.....pretty classic! I literally felt sick to my stomach knowing that two precious twin babies had to grow up in that type of dysfunctional environment. Question is: Are they still together? I pray the answer would be no!
 
October 7, 2007, 7:06 pm CDT

05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: tracysimpson

I was so looking forward to seeing a Dr. Phil taping. I was hoping for a giveaway like Oprah has, just kidding. I honestly was hoping for a family matters/self matter "Ish" type of taping, or even a makeover mom would have been great! What I got to see was the "victim" wife who knew what she was getting into and then playing the victim when her husband got deeper into his porn/stripper behavior..................not addiction to me..................a choice in behavior. My pastor and his wife and another friend of mine went.....pretty classic! I literally felt sick to my stomach knowing that two precious twin babies had to grow up in that type of dysfunctional environment. Question is: Are they still together? I pray the answer would be no!
yes we are still together and we are doing ok.  many things that were not discussed on the show are why this is so.  We are trusting God in this matter and I am trying to get help wherever I can.  We didn't get much on the show.
 
July 13, 2008, 8:41 am CDT

Follow-Up

Quote From: ctielking

I have been married just under 12 years. During that time I am LUCKY if we get intimite 2 times a year. He says he loves me, but I just dont feel it. Over the weekend I hit the redial on our phone for I "thought" that I was the last one on the phone the night before, instead of getting my friend, I got a singles dating service. I woke him up and all he has been saying is that he did not dial it. We have no children nor any roommates. I guess a ghost did it. He says he doesn't lie to me, but I have caught him and even my friend has as well. As soon as I get my degree in about 8 weeks I am leaving his sorry ass here in Michigan.
Good for you.  I hope all is well.  Please provide an update. It's inspiring to all.
 
August 29, 2008, 11:08 am CDT

Separated and hurt

I recently moved out of my house from my husband who I have been married to for nine years. He started a new job a year ago, which he hates with a passion. Ever since then, he has come home in rotten moods and has mde me feel horrible. Every day I just feel like everything I say and do is wrong and he screams at me about insignificant issues. My dad dies June 7th and within two weeks of his death, my husband was back to screaming at me again. I snapped and just said I couldnt take it anymore. I packed and got my own place. He has emailed me little bits and pieces about his broken heart but he has done nothing to try and help repair the damage. I have been going to thereapy every week and have invited him to one session. He tried to make the time frame and could not and has asked to reschedule. I dont know if I should give up or think there may be some hope
 
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