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Topic : 05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Number of Replies: 440
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Created on : Friday, March 16, 2007, 10:16:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 3/20/07) With a 50 percent divorce rate in America, do people getting married think that signing on the line will make their relationship better? Karrie's husband of 10 years, Ben, cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend and is so obsessed with strippers and pornography that he has lost jobs and dragged them into thousands of dollars of debt. Ben admits to being a sex addict, but says he doesn't know how to stop acting out. Is Ben the only one to blame for their crumbling marriage, or did Karrie set up their union for disaster? Then, Sean and Defina have only been married for two months, but she has already caught him cheating twice. She is now consumed with checking his cell phone, looking in his car and even smelling his pants to see if he's been with another woman. Is Sean ready to make a change, or should Defina get out now? Can these couples learn to love their spouses and be happy in their marriages? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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March 20, 2007, 9:15 am CDT

Answer is Obvious

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


You say your marriage is precious to you but face it - you don't have a marriage.  You have a sick relationship with someone who doesn't care if you catch a deadly disease and die.  Who doesn't care if you are in pain.  He won't stop - why would he?  You've proven that you are willing to be a doormat and he faces no consequences for his behaviour.  Why should he love you and cherish you when you don't love yourself?  You tell him every day you don't think you are worthy of respect because you tolerate his utterly despicable behaviour.

 

The person you need to work on is YOU because you can't fix HIM.  You need to find out why you value yourself so little that you are willing to take this abuse.  And why you wait around for him to make the decisions about your life.  And that won't happen until you take responsibility for yourself and stop waiting for him to fix the situation.  Get a referral from your county health department for a therapist.  Get an apartment.  Move in with a close friend or relative.  Cut your losses now.  But get away from that toxic sleezeball because sitting around waiting for him to prove he loves you will only cause you more hurt.  You deserve better and it is up to you to go get it.

 
March 20, 2007, 9:22 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: livvygirl

I have to say that this sort of behavior is not confined to men - there are plenty of women out there who lie, manipulate, and use good and decent people for their own gain.  I don't believe that these people care at ALL about their spouses - they will SAY they do when they get caught, or when the spouse finally gets fed up and wants out - but that's just another manipulation to keep their victim around.  Users are very, very good at picking their victims, and know just what the victim wants to hear - "I LOVE you baby, please don't leave me, I'll be good, I'll change, I'm just SO SORRY I hurt you" and on and on it goes.  They don't mean a WORD of it!!

 

As disgusting and contemptible as I find these bottom-dwellers, I also get fed up with those of us who ALLOW ourselves to be victimized for years, and then want to cry and complain about it..  If you fling yourself down as a doormat, don't be surprised when you get walked on!

 

The wives on the show today need to take control of their OWN lives and stop trying to change men who don't want to change.  That's all they have control over - themselves!

Before judging women that stay with cheaters as being "doormats", I ask you to consider the fact that they love their husbands despite being hurt over and over and over again.  As an ex wife of a chronic cheater and liar, I know all too well how strong their mental power over you is when you love them so much you want it to work out.  They know how to take your emotions and feelings and twist them to get what they want.  You love your spouse, so you try to give him/her one more chance...and another and another and another, until one day something is the last straw, and somebody leaves for good or has no emotions left anymore.  Love is very, very powerful, and a lot of times cheaters use our love as a powerful mental and emotional weapon to keep us reigned in. 

 
March 20, 2007, 9:25 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: ajsahma

  3rd email!!  I can't live this way anymore. Each day I find out more and more about my husband's time, money, activities and communications with these and now even more prostitutes.  I'm so fearful of the disease, the fact that he's taking online purchased viagra and sexual enhancement products, even though he has full body rheumatoid arthritis, 2 artificial hips, high blood pressure and cholesterol (plus a multitude of medications for these ailments). I've been with him 26 years and love him with all my heart but am finding out more and more.  I've been up all night reading reviews, details and critiques of him with some of these women.  There is no protection used and the sex includes, everything, including oral (him and them).  My marriage is precious to me and he claims he loves me and wants to stay together and says he wants to stop but this is not the 1st time and this time it's been going on for at least 2 years.  there have been dozens of different prostitutes and continuous calls and text messages, plus emails back and forth to them.  The only way I can imagine stopping this horror is by professional help but there is no way of finding REPUTABLE therapists and the wrong one could do more harm..if that's possible.  I'm so afraid of him having disease and dying or of my dying as a result.  I don't want to live anymore.  The hurt and fear is just too much for me to handle.  PLEASE OFFER US SOME ADVICE.  This is the 3rd time I've written regarding this but never hear anything back.  I have no one else to turn to!


I gotta say one more thing...he has no good reason to stop doing what he's doing...because you've stayed, you still "love him" and you still  have sex with him. He is having his cake and eating it too with a cherry on top.


 
March 20, 2007, 9:29 am CDT

Cheating Spouse

I currently just found out that my husband was cheating on me with another woman this past week. He works out of state most of the time and he comes to see us every two weeks. I have two little girls who are 3 months, and 2yrs old. The other woman called his cell phone while I was changing the baby in the middle of the night. I did not answer it, but I looked to see if it was one of his friends needing a ride home from the bar and ended up finding her name coming acrossed it. I was so furious that I went and got him up after I laid the baby back down. I was very calm but upset at the same time and he lied to me and said he was keeping the # for his buddies so that they wouldn't get in trouble. Well I knew by his face that he was lying. He finally told me after I drilled him about him lying. I ended up calling the woman after he erased it off his phone by calling the phone company and getting it from them due to knowing the area code. I asked her about all of it, and think god they only hung out at the bar and exchanged #'s and never had a sexual relationship. The problem is that I sensed all the signs and asked him and he swore to me on my kids life and our relationship that he was not cheating. To me that is cheating when you exchange #'s and talk on the phone and meet out. Not once did he inform her that he was married, he told me he did. My problem is how can I trust him and what can I do to get my relationship back the way it was before? I even asked him if it was something I did or I need to change? He said, "It was nothing I did or didn't do". He said, " I'm a wonderful person and that it was nothing I did and he wanted me to give him a second chance". I know deep down inside that he loves me, I think alot of it has to do with the men he is working with where he is at and thinking with the wrong head. I just need some help on what I can do to get pass this and work on the future? I thought about counseling, but we do have great communications between the two of us. Is there something I can read or does anyone have any advice for me?

 

Please Help,

Osborne

 
March 20, 2007, 9:30 am CDT

Cautions

All of you out there that are with a partner that has cheated, or has done anything sexually in the past, get tested for std's!!!  It is so important to make sure you are okay.

 

HPV comes in many, many different forms, and some cause CANCER.  Women shouldn't hesitate to get a pap test and be tested for other std's and an HIV/AIDS blood test. Men must be checked for different diseases too.  We don't know that the person they cheated with didn't have something.  Even if you're separated, you should still get checked ,  just to be safe. 

 
March 20, 2007, 9:32 am CDT

Get Real

Quote From: penny_lady

I gotta say one more thing...he has no good reason to stop doing what he's doing...because you've stayed, you still "love him" and you still  have sex with him. He is having his cake and eating it too with a cherry on top.


  Girl  two months!!!!     Kick him to the curb, BEFOR you get pregnant!!!

  If He cant be faithful for two months, he never will.

 
March 20, 2007, 9:34 am CDT

sex addiction is real!

I know sex addiction is real because I am a sex addict.  I have struggled with it for many years and am just now finally gertting the help i need.  Many ignorant people do not know that there is a chemical reaction in your brain during times of arousal that is similar to a drug.  (I belive it is heroin or some type of opiate) Many people just cannot handle this and have to get more and more.  Sex addiction also has no hard fast rule about what is considered to be addictive behavior.  It comes in many forms and what is addictive for one person is fine for someone else who struggles in another area.  This really is an epidemic and I belive that there are not enough people out there that understand that this is a real problem.  I sure don't believe that the people on the show today (the guys) are not wanting to get help.  If the first guy didn't really want help, he would not have written in, or maybe his wife was trying to control his recovery and he did it out of desparation.  The point is that no man would consent to the humiliation of telling all on a national show if they were not serious about getting help.  I just hope that the show follows through  on getting them all the help they need. 
 
March 20, 2007, 9:36 am CDT

TY

Quote From: livvygirl

I have to say that this sort of behavior is not confined to men - there are plenty of women out there who lie, manipulate, and use good and decent people for their own gain.  I don't believe that these people care at ALL about their spouses - they will SAY they do when they get caught, or when the spouse finally gets fed up and wants out - but that's just another manipulation to keep their victim around.  Users are very, very good at picking their victims, and know just what the victim wants to hear - "I LOVE you baby, please don't leave me, I'll be good, I'll change, I'm just SO SORRY I hurt you" and on and on it goes.  They don't mean a WORD of it!!

 

As disgusting and contemptible as I find these bottom-dwellers, I also get fed up with those of us who ALLOW ourselves to be victimized for years, and then want to cry and complain about it..  If you fling yourself down as a doormat, don't be surprised when you get walked on!

 

The wives on the show today need to take control of their OWN lives and stop trying to change men who don't want to change.  That's all they have control over - themselves!

You are right.  Thanks for pointing out that women do fit the category as well.
 
March 20, 2007, 9:39 am CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: grjaadzack

Before judging women that stay with cheaters as being "doormats", I ask you to consider the fact that they love their husbands despite being hurt over and over and over again.  As an ex wife of a chronic cheater and liar, I know all too well how strong their mental power over you is when you love them so much you want it to work out.  They know how to take your emotions and feelings and twist them to get what they want.  You love your spouse, so you try to give him/her one more chance...and another and another and another, until one day something is the last straw, and somebody leaves for good or has no emotions left anymore.  Love is very, very powerful, and a lot of times cheaters use our love as a powerful mental and emotional weapon to keep us reigned in. 

I'm sorry if the truth hurts, and I don't mean to be unkind, but to stay with an ABUSIVE man for years, to tolerate bad behavior, to allow a man to have sex with strangers and then come home and have sex with you, thereby risking your own health and LIFE - because you "LOVE HIM" - is, as far as I'm concerned, being a DOORMAT.

 

Yes, manipulators are good at what they do.  They know how to take love and use it as a tool and a weapon to hurt those who are unfortunate enough to love them.  None of that negates the fact that we are responsible for our own lives and choices.  Love is very strong, yes.  But I don't believe we are powerless in the face of love, and most of us are smart enough to know when a relationship is abusive and destructive.  It is up to US to define the boundaries of what and WHO we will allow in our lives.  To let someone else have that control over us is just weak and irresponsible.

 

I'd also like you to consider all the women (my mother was one) who stay with an abusive jerk because they "LOVE HIM", and force their children to go for that destructive roller-coaster ride along with them.  There is supposed to be no more powerful love than that of a mother for her children.  A women who is willing to serve up her children on the alter of a destructive relationship because she "LOVES HIM" is, in my opinion, WORSE than a doormat.

 

 
March 20, 2007, 9:43 am CDT

YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK

YOU SIR SHOULD BE ASHAMED!! HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH AND INSENSITIVE TO TREAT YOUR WIFE LIKE THAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DISEASES YOU COULD BRING BACK INTO "YOUR" HOME. IF I WERE HER I'D HAVE KICKED YOUR A$$ OUT ON THE STREET THE MINUTE I FOUND OUT! I MISSED THE SHOW BUT SEEN THE SLIDES OF YOU WITH HER AND TWO KIDS. KIDS KIDS KIDS!!!!! IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE ON THE FREAKY SIDE YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED HER LET ALONE HAD CHILDREN. HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A FATHER AND A HUSBAND?? REAL MEN DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE CLUB, THEY BRING THE CLUB HOME!! TRY BRINGING YOUR WIFE $6,000 IN A MONTH ON LINGERIE THAT YOU PAY TO SEE OTHER WOMEN IN AND SEE HOW SHE REACTS!!  IF YOU MEN SIMPLY GOT OUR OPINION ON THOSE TYPES OF ITEMS REGARDING WHAT WE LIKE INSTEAD OF WHAT TURNS YOU ON THEN MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE SO BORING!! I DON'T SAY THIS MUCH, BUT...... I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU!! BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP SIMILAR TO YOURS, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. IF HE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT THEN HE WOULD'VE NEVER STARTED DOING IT. I DON'T THINK MEN OR WOMEN LIKE HIM ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE!!! SO TAKE YOUR KIDS, FIGHT FOR $6,000 A MONTH IN CHILD SUPPORT AND ALIMONY,OR THE STRIPPERS AND HOOKERS WILL END UP WITH IT ANYWAYS, AND FIND A MAN WILLING TO LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU!S
 
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