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Topic : 05/31 "I Hate This Marriage"

Number of Replies: 440
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Created on : Friday, March 16, 2007, 10:16:56 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 3/20/07) With a 50 percent divorce rate in America, do people getting married think that signing on the line will make their relationship better? Karrie's husband of 10 years, Ben, cheated on her with an ex-girlfriend and is so obsessed with strippers and pornography that he has lost jobs and dragged them into thousands of dollars of debt. Ben admits to being a sex addict, but says he doesn't know how to stop acting out. Is Ben the only one to blame for their crumbling marriage, or did Karrie set up their union for disaster? Then, Sean and Defina have only been married for two months, but she has already caught him cheating twice. She is now consumed with checking his cell phone, looking in his car and even smelling his pants to see if he's been with another woman. Is Sean ready to make a change, or should Defina get out now? Can these couples learn to love their spouses and be happy in their marriages? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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March 16, 2007, 12:27 pm CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

I believe cheaters can change and that all marriages can become happy and fullfilling but the people involved has to want to change and get the help that they need, work through their issues and begin to prove themselves to their spouses, No way would I be living with my husband or having sex with him if he were cheating on me, sounds dirty and deceiving to me. I believe in forgiveness  but at the  same time, Believe that the one who is  being forgiven needs to stand up to reality and expect to be held accountable for her/his actions. You bet, my husband would have to prove him self worthy if he were to do this disgusting act called adultery.

My husabnd and I actually talked about this subject when we were engaged and both agreed that we would always be honest and hold true to one another and if there were doubts to communicate and after 14 years of marriage, we do exactly that, did it at the beginning and still believe in honestly and being faithful, A good solid marriage will not have these type of issues therefore I believe that chances are, if there is a cheater in the marriage, there is a reason for it, what's going on in the marriage to drvie a spouse to another? Spouses are supposse to be a team, be in he marriage together and if they are not meeting one anothers needs and desires then the unexpected wil eventually happen.

Hopefully these couples on the show will get the help they need so they don't fall into the divorce statistics, doesn't sound like a very pleasent place to be in my opinion.
 
March 16, 2007, 9:15 pm CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

If a couple has only been married for 2 months and one person hasn't stopped dating...call it quits..really. What's the point? There was never a "marriage" to begin with!
 
March 18, 2007, 2:22 pm CDT

The cheating was probably going on before the ceremony took place.

Quote From: penny_lady

If a couple has only been married for 2 months and one person hasn't stopped dating...call it quits..really. What's the point? There was never a "marriage" to begin with!
I don't know how long they knew each other before the marriage but I have to believe something was not right prior to the "I do's".
 
March 18, 2007, 5:45 pm CDT

03/20 "I Hate This Marriage"

Quote From: housewife52

I don't know how long they knew each other before the marriage but I have to believe something was not right prior to the "I do's".
Yes exactly, that's why I said the guy never seemed to stop "dating"....there seems there is probably no stop in his relations with other people.

Not every marriage is with effort to salvage.
 
March 18, 2007, 6:17 pm CDT

REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into the subject of personality types most likely to be unfaithful are: 

 

 

Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins

 

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward AND Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin  

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland

 

 

There are marriages and relationships that are so destructive that the only option is for a person to get out.  Get out with the little bit of sanity you may have remaining.  The decision to leave another person is never easy.  As painful as it may be, make a promise to yourself to leave.  Leave so that you can begin a life of healing and recovery.  Leave so you can eventually learn to live a joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life. 

 

Hope it helps

 

 

 
March 18, 2007, 8:54 pm CDT

My ex-boyfriend caught an std

I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and twice that I know of, he cheated on me.  He caught HPV and tried to blame his ex-wife.   He has sexual perversions and is totally addicted to the internet and is on all the dating sites he could possibly be on. 

I did everything to keep him happy.  I put a front tooth in for him, got his house out of foreclosure, co-signed a loan for his daughter, put his parents and brother on my payroll and he still cheated and finally he just left me.  I was extremely good to him and treated him to all of our vacations.  I am totally broke, but thank God I didn't catch his std.  He's dating someone new now and I'm sure he didn't tell her about his HPV.  I feel so used because I truly did love him unconditionally.  It wasn't enough for him.  I don't know what he's looking for.  In spite of all this, I miss him tremendously and am having a difficult time getting over it.

 
March 18, 2007, 9:06 pm CDT

I have to agree, but I think the wife should just leave , what you see is what you get in most all cases.

Quote From: penny_lady

Yes exactly, that's why I said the guy never seemed to stop "dating"....there seems there is probably no stop in his relations with other people.

Not every marriage is with effort to salvage.
 
 
March 18, 2007, 10:44 pm CDT

Husbands and / or Wives cheating

Either or both cheating is mostly for sexual reasons. Not financial, not love & nor any kind of fashion or fad.

If both parties sincerely try their best to keep each other happy sexually & satisfy each other's sexual needs, I don't think, either one would want to have an extra marital relationship. Every day should be an exciting experience for both parties with each other.

If it's a n addiction, it's a medical problem & has to be handled medically.

Sonny.

 
March 19, 2007, 12:41 am CDT

I WISH I COULD BE MORE OPTIMISTIC ON THIS SUBJECT

Only God can heal this marriage.  Humanly speaking a wife cannot ever trust a husband who has cheated on her.   Having said that I do admire wives who stay with a cheating spouse but only on the condition that the husband shows her he is willing to win back her trust.  As most of us are aware pornography is rampant on the internet.  Another issue that needs to be dealt with are chat rooms where men con women who frequent those rooms.   I am shocked at the behavior of  some women in those chat rooms.  As Dr. Phil says:  "You treat others how to treat you."  If you allow men in chat rooms to talk sexually to you and indulge in webcaming without your clothes on, in my mind, you are asking for trouble and heartache.  I am appalled at women who believe what men tell them in private chats.  In a chat conversation the words typed are simply words until you meet that person and find out if what was typed is true.   I personally had a live in relationship with a man who indulged in masturbating with women in chat rooms.  When I found out it made me feel used, degraded, my self-esteem went down at an all time low (first time I experienced this).   I'm happy to say I found the courage to leave this relationship and swore to myself that I would never again even go out with a man who spent time in chat rooms or looked at pornography.  I don't know what women are thinking.....most men hate talking on the phone yet they can spend hours on the internet either typing to other women or looking at pornography.   Isn't this kind of behavior a red flag that something is not kosher???  I think most men who get caught at cheating in any form are just sorry because they got caught and will promise anything to have their cake and eat it too.  The question I asked myself when I found my live in boyfriend cybersexing with other women is the following:  "Am I willing to spend goodness knows how many years feeling all these different emotions and living with a man I am constantly suspicious of".  My answer was no because it was not worth it.  To all men and even women out there cybersexing or looking at pornography is cheating if you're married or in a serious relationship.   

 
March 19, 2007, 1:30 am CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: jettav

I believe cheaters can change and that all marriages can become happy and fullfilling but the people involved has to want to change and get the help that they need, work through their issues and begin to prove themselves to their spouses, No way would I be living with my husband or having sex with him if he were cheating on me, sounds dirty and deceiving to me. I believe in forgiveness  but at the  same time, Believe that the one who is  being forgiven needs to stand up to reality and expect to be held accountable for her/his actions. You bet, my husband would have to prove him self worthy if he were to do this disgusting act called adultery.

My husabnd and I actually talked about this subject when we were engaged and both agreed that we would always be honest and hold true to one another and if there were doubts to communicate and after 14 years of marriage, we do exactly that, did it at the beginning and still believe in honestly and being faithful, A good solid marriage will not have these type of issues therefore I believe that chances are, if there is a cheater in the marriage, there is a reason for it, what's going on in the marriage to drvie a spouse to another? Spouses are supposse to be a team, be in he marriage together and if they are not meeting one anothers needs and desires then the unexpected wil eventually happen.

Hopefully these couples on the show will get the help they need so they don't fall into the divorce statistics, doesn't sound like a very pleasent place to be in my opinion.
 I was married to a man for 34 years who started cheating on me a year after we were married.  He was addicted to sex, and love the excitement of being out with other women.  He would degrade me in front of his friends, his friends would treat me the same way until I would cry.  He had no compassion or love for me at all, but I stayed with him, until in 2003 he found another woman and filed for divorce, I tried to fight it, but he walked out leaving me holding the bag.  In May of 2006 I finally signed the papers for the divorce.  Why did I stay so long, because when I told him I was leaving him he would beg me to stay, I don't know why, because he did not love me and he wasn't going to stop what he was doing.  I knew this.  In the end I would stay.  It was a cycle I lived in for 34 years.
 
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