Topic : 08/13 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace

It pist me off!

After watching this show, I started thinking that maybe i should this deep dark secret, that's eating me inside:

Below this, is a journal entry that i written after watching the show: Please take the time to read it.

I was molested.

I've been hiding a secret for more than ten years. I'm only 17years old, I'm Ready to TELL THE world, But yet, I'm to scared.

So, this summer I was visiting my aunt in California, something I did since i was 6.

So we were watching the Dr. Phil Show together.

The show was, "Saving Grace" about a grand-father molesting His grand-daughter.

So through-out the show we'd talk about the people and how "stupid" These people were.

SO my Aunt said That her gram-pa and uncle tried to touch her. I was shocked, I never knew that happened.

So then she goes on and on. and she says,

 " If anybody does that to someone i love, or my Grand children, I'D KILL THEM!".

So i replied, "Yeah, I'd do the same thing too. And statistics do show that a majority of sexual abuse happens In the family. It's just weird how you can't trust no one these days. People are full of surprises, There's no telling what people are capable of. It can be someone you trust, someone, you're close too. It can be ANYBODY." 

 Little did she know,  I was talking about her own flesh and blood, her SON!

 I wanted to tell her so bad. I wanted to jump up and down and scream on the top of my lungs,

"HE DID IT,  YOUR SON MOLESTED ME", but i couldn't I was to afraid. I had so many chances to tell, but i couldn't.

 After auntie told me "If anybody does that to someone i love, or my Grand children, I'D KILL THEM!",

I couldn't tell. especially not her, what would she do? Believe me? Hate me? Trust me? Kill Him? I wouldn't want my aunt to kill him, she'd spend the rest of her life in prison because of her Son's ACTIONS.

Another thing that confused me is, she had said another comment similar to the other one: "I Swear, I couldn't  just sit there and act like everything is fine, I would kill the person if they did that to my loved one,or if my son ever did something like that".

I just wanted to say WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?????.

After she said that, something told me,that maybe there's a possibility she maybe sensed something happened and was trying to make me feel comfortable, so that i would have enough trust in her to tell, but I can't, I COULDN'T, I WOULDN'T. I could never find the right words, the appropriate words.

Another thing that gets me is she was also telling me, how she was searching sexual predators on the web. Worrying about them being at the park when she takes her grandchilden. but she should really be worrying about her grandchildren under their own roof.

I feel so guilty, I'm so scarred for My molesters kids and his wife.

 I couldn't tell that would just tear our family apart.  IT sucks because I see my cousin EVERY YEAR, it's so awkward.  I'm so confused. I'm lost. I'm too scared to go talk to a professional... I don't know.

They say "a cheater always a cheater", so does that make "a molester always a molester".

I have so many questions for him. Why??? WHY me? What were you thinking".

The question asked, but rarely explained...WHY?

please help

Well, you put it out in the Universe and you have been heard.  It's a start. Maybe even a big step.

 I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.  From your post it sounds like you really want to be heard- you want someone to know what has happened.  You know what it is like to keep the secret, are you ready to know what it is like to be honest with the people you know?  Are you afraid for the children that are in his life?  Is that what makes keeping quiet even harder?

You don't mention your parents, if you have a relationship with them that you think they will really hear what you are saying and believe you they are usually a good place to start.  If not, at 17, you should still be in school, is there a teacher or counselor you have a relationship with?  And I guess next would be a pastor or rabbi, lama etc.  and failing all those next I would try my best friends Mom.

The hard part is you have to keep telling until someone believes you and will stand with you  to take action.  If you have time to go back and read these two boards on Saving Grace you will see that it doesn't go away or get much better for the people who kept the secret.  The ones who told need support- you will need support.  It isn't fair, it isn't easy -but you can take a stand against this, if you choose to do that.

Good luck to you- from one pair of ears of the Universe-Sue

I don't have a good relationship with neither of my parent. I know alot of people would believe me.

The only thing that is stopping me, Is fear.  I'm so confused about this whole situation. It's embarrassing.

I think maybe I need a little more time to accept it.

I would really like to thank you fo your time. Thanks for responding.

Many people have read my posts so I won't re-hash the details.  I did believe my children, I did report, it was difficult, as family was divided, and some lost to us.  It has been 7 years, and I was so pleased to see my children emerge from this as well adjusted teens...thought I was out of the woods.  My son, who will turn 18 in Jan. was 10 when he told.  All was great between him and me until this Fall....all of this anger has been unleashed at me...to the point of being rude, cruel and verbally abusive.  He will not go back into counselling...and at his age, I can only encourage it...cannot force him.  At ten, I just took him, he wanted the help, not only from me, but from the therapist.  Today, I am like the Devil to him...he blames me for reporting...it did no good, as the case was not strong enough   to hold up in court.  In his mind, today, I should have known this.  He also blames me for the loss of his older sister...as she was married to the molester and stood by him.  I should have known this, also...or so he believes today.  He hates any photo of himself as a child...if I display them, he takes them away.  When he comes home from school, he will not even say "Hello" to me...when I say it, he grunts...literally, and will respond no further.  If I ask a question, the answer is "I don't know"...the questions are usually along the lines of...how was school...or how's Matt doing...what did you have for luch?  He knows...but tells me that I annoy him.  One day I just broke down crying...I mean really...I was sobbing..it was so hurtful that day that all I could do was cry.  He told me I was immature and walked  away from me...this child was the most sesnsitive, caring, loving boy...he was like my little soul mate.  Today, I should be anywhere but here...he says he can't wait to move out of this house...I'm so stupid! 

His other sister, who too, was avictim is 19.  She and I are fine...and she is beginning to hate him...they were close, never fought...now that's all they do...or he ignores her.  Yesterday, she was cryng too....and I was just sick!  Here, I thought I had done the right thing....the pain of losing my first born was searing, yet the time has changed that.  Thought it was going to be easier...with them older, the pain less fresh...and I've even gotten past the agony of never seeing her baby....thought my mourning period was over, now, I don't know my son...I can't reach him, much as I could not reach her when this first came out.  I lost one child to the loyalty to a pedophile...now I'm losing a second one....I had even come to a place with the offender...not with any contact...that's more than 7 years gone...but a place inside my heart where I didn't hate...just hoped he would not re-offend and that maybe he had gotten some help.  Today, I hate him as much...if not more...than 7 years ago.  Never having been molested, this is new to me...I tried to educate myself...even spoke out for victims...really trying to spread the voice of hope...that you do get over it and you will, one day, be free..just break the silence!  I had honestly believed my two kids were fine...only now to face this.  What I did was right for my daughter, wrong for my son.  His relationship with the oldest was much different...he adored her...he misses her...and nothing, to him, is worth that loss.  My daughter liked her, but they had very different personalities...he had more of the older one's sense of humor..and despite the age difference, they'd banter back and forth...and laugh so much.  I think he really hates me for that loss...and try as I did, I could not get her to believe.  If anyone would have told me how twisted and complex this is, I probably would have not believed it...I feel so much for those who suffer this agony in silence...but the agony doen't always end with telling.....it is critical to be believed by those who mean the most.  The betrayal of that belief is as bad as the acts of the pedophile...maybe worse, as it is a direct assault on your character, a violation of your love and your spirit. 

I wish anyone the best who struggles with recovery from this...and I hope they know the evil is only in the offender...the rest of us try to play the hand that the pedophile dealt to us...and often, we make errors. We do it out of love, yet our motives often become overshadowed by the end results...in our case, a broken family.  It may be worth it to some, yet not to others, as we are all different....so are children.  What one can accept, another may be unable to do so.  Suddenly, all of the posts that want to send the pedophiles to a lepor colony are making perfect sense to me.  Perhaps those postings were done by the victims, or family members who had long term experience...and seen evolutions much as I am seeing today.

Maybe the best place to go IS to a Priest, Minister Rabbi, or someone of a spiritual nature.  That communication is privledged.  I know, now, that reporting should be the choice of the victim.  Yes, I, as a Mother, was responsible by law to do it.  I obeyed the law.  The law did not help us, and in cases with lack of evidence, it more often than not, can't.  The law, however is abstract...the victim is a human being...one who knows what he/she can and cannot take.  A victim cannot morally be used to protect others...they need the care, they suffered the trauma...they owe nothing to anyone.  We must respect the sensitivity of the victims....I'm living the consequences today of lacking foresight.  My son has grown to hate me.