Topic : 08/13 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace

 I totally agree with you both said! Im a mom of three boys ages 10,7,and 4 and a daughter whos two.People like this man who call himself a Grandfather are one of my worst fears.We teach our children not to talk to strangers and never play putside alone but how do you teach a precious child not to talk to family?My mother was molested as a child by her grandfather and it has stayed with her for 42 years.We parents shoudnt have to worry about our childrens relationship with family.It sickens me that after the show I started thinking about who my kids spend time with alone!Im just sitting here in dibelief and disgust.Good luck in healing to the above person im responding to.You are a wonderful person and I wish you the best.              Sarah

This sickens me. How dare that man want to heal the family and get back together. He had his grand daughter jack him off for Christ sake, and told her bubbles will come out, put his fingers in her vagina and said she liked it. Oh My God, if those parents think that talking about it and get back together with those grand parents will heal their daughter they are sadly mistaken. My grand father has always been the dirty old man type(won't get into that) but his brother molested me at age 5 and it was just looked the other way because it was my dads family. Please don't let those grand parents around that little girl. I am 38 years old and I still wander why nobody ever did anything for me. I still had to go to family functions with him and it seemed like the family was saying it was just something that happened and wanted me to move on and forget about it. Well I didn't and Grace's grand father really pisses me off, and for the grand mother, how sad of a woman is she. And how dare Dr. Phil for thinking anything about trying to put that family back together. That little girl will never forget that and it's only her age right now that is wanting to see her grand father again. This is so sad that I can't get it out of my mind. I feel like it's me all over again. Don't let those grand parents have a life with that little girl, please. The father is just going to have to come to terms that is father is a molester and put him out of his life. If the family gets back together, it is only telling that little girl that what has happened is ok. Take that for what it's worth from someone who was molested almost exactly like Grace was and no one ever did anything for me therefore I didn't think I was worth anything.

 My name is Lisa and I'm 23 years old.  I was so touched by this story because I was molested as a child also.  I was 12 years old when it first started and was three months shy of my 15th birthday when it stopped.  It was at the hands of my mother's then live-in boyfriend.  She preached to my younger brother that pre-marital sex was wrong so she never slept in the same bed as him or engaged in sex.  So I thought that this was my fault because if my mother had engaged in sexual activity it might have saved me.  This is a man that I trusted with my life and even welcomed him in my heart to fill the void of the father who was not there the way a father should be and he betrayed me in the most horrific way and stole what was left of my childhood.  I told my mother what he had done when she got home and she didn't believe me, but did tell my father, the school guidance counselor, and my maternal grandmother.  My maternal grandmother told me she did believe me because this man had acknowledged before he even moved in with us that he had fathered a little girl and that when she was 6 years old her mother just (who lived with him) left without a trace.  My grandmother said these people are called pedophiles and trust me no pedophile starts with a 12 year old.  I know after watching Saving Grace what my grandmother  was implying and cried because I felt for Grace and knew how confused this makes a child as well as the psychological trauma that victims and even survivors face.  I also feel for the six year old my molester fathered and also all of his victims after me.  My mother who not only acknowledged she believed me years after this man left our lives and even town, but shockingly also acknowledged she herself was molested at the age of 8 years old by a friend of one of her parents neighbors, but that it was a one time thing because she never saw him again.  My mother was watching this show with me and when she saw Dr. Phil ask this man about Grace she realized that the all the times she asked my molester "what did you do to Lisa" he had the same facial expression as Grace's grandfather except my molester lied to my mother's face.  Those two and a half years that I endured being molested I had contemplated suicide so many times I can't even count.  I lived in constant fear for 2 1/2 years always wondering "is he going to molest me today?"  I'm grateful for one thing though and that is my maternal grandmother by age nine was telling me every chance she got what is molestation and what is rape and it's wrong so don't be afraid to tell your mom or dad even if the person tells you if you say anything I'll kill you or your parents.  Without that knowledge I would have not known what to do.  People who know me personally and know my father who is a Federal Judge are shocked when they find out that I was a victim of molestation because my father is a judge.  I truly believe there is an epidemic in America and it's sexual predators/pedophiles and I think my case is the perfect example because people believed that a Federal Judge's daughter was immune to this crime.  I have news for America and that is no child is immune to falling victim to these crimes.  We need to educate children about prevention at their level of understanding by using the proper vocabulary for their age and never stop talking to them about it until their old enough to defend themselves in this world which in my opinion is about 15 or 16 years of age.  We also need to encourage people that are going to become parents to take a child development guidance class because this will enable  those soon to be parents to know prevention methods as a parent.  Also we again need to educate children on (at their level and vocabulary) "who are the bad people" (For parents) in adult English what are pedophiles and how do they work?   Sadly, even prevention methods for parents or even children is NOT bullet-proof.  My father and I share a passion for the law and getting victims justice, but we also believe in writing to your Senators or Congressmen to ask for harsher punishments for sex offenders because I may be a survivor, but I have to live the rest of my life knowing what happened to me and to my father and I that's not justice.  Please anyone feel free to e-mail me if you want because it's nice to know your not alone.  My e-mail address is Lisa_g1984@yahoo.com

As for Grace and her parents I'm praying for you everyday and hope that you all find peace.

Sincerely,
Lisa Christine Garcia

I have read the message boards many times but have never felt the urge to post myself. I have to say that this show has haunted me all week, not the fact of the molestation,though it is the ultimate violation in a family. What has made me so angry that I was just sputtering during the show is the grandmother. I cannot even begin to understand how she could cover up what was going on. How do you reconcile something like that in your mind? How do you stay with someone who has violated your precious grandchild? In my mind, she is almost worse than he is. He is unarguably sick and a pedophile, but what is she?

As a mother, the thought of covering incest up to save my marriage is revolting. How can you live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed with someone capable of that? How do you justify keeping that knowledge from your son, the child's father?

My god, my first husband cheated on me and when we tried to reconcile I threw  up when he touched me and that was just infidelity. Nothing twisted and sick like what happened here.

To those of you who have been molested by ANYONE,  please know that there of those of us out here who have read your posts and cannot imagine the courage you must have to be able to contribute to this message board. 

I was not a victim of any type of abuse in my life and it's just so difficult to understand how the perpetrators can do these horrible things to innocent children.

I am sure those of you who have suffered this type of abuse and who have posted your experiences are helping others.  God bless all of you who help others with this terrible life changing experience.  I know that there are those out there who are comforted by your positive words.  You are strong beyond description!

My sister called me the other day and told me that I had to watch this Dr. Phil.  I cried the entire show.  The similarities to my own family are unbelievable.  My daughter who we call Gracie, was 6 years old when she came to me and told me that my father had touched her and made her touch him.  I reported it immediately.  My father denies it to this day.  My mother believes my father.  She says that children make things up.  He will never see a day in jail because it is a case of he said, she said.  He can't take a lie detector test because he has heart failure and diabetes.  They won't allow her to take one because of her age.  It is a horrific loophole in our justice system.  I have not had any contact with my parents since the day she told me, except to let my mom know that she could still have a relationship with us.  However, she chose not to.  So, we don't communicate whatsoever.  I believe it is my job to protect my children.  I can only hope that my children will understand this as they get older.  My only concern is that my daughter has had no counseling.  She seems fine,  but I need to know what you all think.  Would it be beneficial or a waste of time.  I don't want her to always be a victim.  Please help if you have any experience with this.

 

Today, the only place I can find sanity, is in reading all of the messages on "Saving Grace".  God bless all of you for voicing outrage on something so horrible, we can't truly ever understand.  Sadly, many people I have spoken to about this topic react in a similar manner as Grace's Grandmother.  I am speaking about middle to upper middle class, well educated people.  Abuse occured within my family, and I did report it.  The accused did not admit to it, and there was not enough proof for trial. (This I still cannot get past, but in New York, you have to be dripping in DNA to make it to trial).  Although it did break apart our family, I still feel that I did the right thing.  My children were the victims, and my feelings  are" to hell with the pedophile and his supporters"  because, one day they learn the truth.  But will they care?  An educator asked me what did I gain, as opposed to what we lost in family?  My sister in law told be that I would be punished for breaking up a family. Friends, that I have since disposed of, were of the mindset that since I was now aware, and had my children in therapy, it was being dealt with, so don't make it any worse.  The bottom line, my good friends, is that most people do not want to see their lives disrupted. If you grasp the magnitude of the crime, you would have to react.  Now, that may be the loss of income from the offender.  A lot of pedophiles make good money.  The Holidays won't have as many people to celebrate, so why give that up?  After all, it's fun!  It may cost the family of the accused to pay for a lawyer, thereby hurting his children.  It's so much easier to "LET IT GO GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE FORGET ABOUT IT",  the buzz phrase of the 21 century.  You are made to feel, in some ways, guilty for the "problems" that you caused to other people.  You are expected to help heal your children, yet  allowing them to understand that we don't get well by hurting other innocent people.  You can recover, but do so without causing further tumoil.  Remember, we have always had a "me" generation, and some of society functions on the level of animals in the wild...survival...theirs!  Cat, you showed courage. Never doubt yourself, or allow anyone to try to lay a guilt trip on you.  Your daughter, as were my children, is the victim of a crime!  The criminal is a criminal, be it her grandfater, my father, someone's uncle...HE BELONGS IN JAIL.  I swear to God, if society were as forgiving or accepting of other crimes, we'd all be armed with weapons, as there would be no need for the justice system, as we know it.  Your fater-in-law would have gotten more time had he robbed a bank.  We have some set of values...it is very scary.

Dr. Phil did a great job with the grandparents.  I haven't seen the second show yet.  As a survivor of incest, the worst part for me is not ever being validated.  I have been validated by some therapists and some friends and some other survivors, but most people don't get it.  Dr. Phil did a great service by confronting the perpetrators, and I include the grandmother in this, and by validating the mom. 

I agree that the grandmother was almost worse than the grandfather.  She said that all he had to do was apologize to Grace and Grace would forget about it and then they could be a family again.  I know from being an incest survivor myself, that Grace needs nothing to do ever with the grandfather.  I have people in my life such as my husband who love me.  I love him also, a lot.  But if he ever pressured me to reconcile with my perpetrator, I would go to the ends of the earth to avoid him and my perp.  That's how damaging it is.

As I was watching this show my heart was breaking for what Grace has been through. But what really made my stomach turn was the Grandmother. Grace had enough guts to tell her what had happened and she blew her off. Did she think that would make it all go away? I was molested by my biological Grandfather also. And family services knew what was going on and left me in that house. It took someone to take me to the hospital for an exam to finally be taken away. I would think that these parents would want nothing to do with this man. I know if that was one of our boys that Grandfather would be six feet under. I do not understand why in the world these parents want to speak to him or want a relationship with them. She is no grandmother in my eyes. If she was would have done anything to protect her granddaughter. And then to make matters worse she stands up for her husband. How dare he use the excuse that Satan made him do it. That is just twisted and sick. Well, buddy your lucky it wasn't one of my kids. You would not have to worry about jail time.