Topic : 08/13 The Dr. Phil House: Saving Grace

I have read the message boards many times but have never felt the urge to post myself. I have to say that this show has haunted me all week, not the fact of the molestation,though it is the ultimate violation in a family. What has made me so angry that I was just sputtering during the show is the grandmother. I cannot even begin to understand how she could cover up what was going on. How do you reconcile something like that in your mind? How do you stay with someone who has violated your precious grandchild? In my mind, she is almost worse than he is. He is unarguably sick and a pedophile, but what is she?

As a mother, the thought of covering incest up to save my marriage is revolting. How can you live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed with someone capable of that? How do you justify keeping that knowledge from your son, the child's father?

My god, my first husband cheated on me and when we tried to reconcile I threw  up when he touched me and that was just infidelity. Nothing twisted and sick like what happened here.

Thank you for your response.  I fully understand what you are saying.  It was not easy to live with my abuser.  The only thing different is that the child does not "live with" the abuser.  So, the parents should limit their visits, but not cut them off totally.  I truly pray the child can proceed on with her life in spite of it all.  While there they do not have to give him "hugs and kisses."  Keep their distance. 

I am a student (even at my age) and in the near future I want to help children who have suffered the same as I have.   My prayer is to help them deal with what happened to them in a positive manner.  I am very thankful, now, I did not have all the "poor me" mentalities that are out there.  An abused child does not really want to be made a victim over and over.  When they are upset or depressed, they really want someone to hold them and let them know it will be okay, in time. 

Only our Lord and Savior can do this and He will in his time.  I am a better person and can not visualize being any other way, in spite of my experiences.

I want you to know that you are a hero. You have done the right thing and I commend you. I think you should let your daughter talk with a counselor and see what they would recommend.  I would never want what she has experienced to fester and destroy her self worth. I didn't talk within anyone for years about my experience and sadly to this day, I am 50, it has left me with the feeling of complete worthlessness. I believe from my experience is that parents need to show their children they believe what happened, act on what happened, and to always reassure them it was not their fault and that they are very important.   I promise this will help.

It has caused all of us some issues but I am proud to say that my children never had to go to bed worried that their sleep would be interuppted or daddy would be saying inappropriate things to them.  My mother stayed married to my stepfather til his death 5 years ago.   She knew he did these awful things and her only response was she was a "coward".   My reasoning for this is she liked the almighty dollar he brought into the house.   Her just rewards are the fact that her grandchildren could never spend a night in her house and the fact the relationships with her daughters are forever damaged.   Let me also mention that as children we were considered "trouble makers" from our other family members.  Nice family isnt it.   My step father apologized to me when he was dying of course, guess he figured it would get him some points into heaven.  I realize the man was sick, but also realize my mother is too.   How she could look at him, sleep with him and go on vacations with him is beyond any realm of belief I have.   He also lavished her with presents and jewelry.  We on the other hand were cast aside.   We all have our demons to this day.    We have no family life,  no family get togethers and many of us barely speak.  My mother thought all this would die when my step father died, but as many know it does not.    I did not speak to my mother for years but guess what she took up with our biological father who dumped us when we were small (I was 2)  he never paid a dime support  and was not there for us to turn to when all this was going on.    Go figure.   I am told to get over it by my older sister who is thrilled they have found each other after all these years!  Is it me or do I have a right to this anger I feel.  My other sister feels the same way I do.    I do at this point speak to my mother (we live in different towns) but it is the fact she is old now and I do it for me more than for her.  After all these years I still feel that she is my mother and someday she will be gone and I feel I need to do what is right for me.  How strange huh.....  So gracies grandmother, listen up you have destroyed your family along with the pervert you married.   And I willl bet this is the not the only child whose life he has destroyed, they dont stop until they die.  And gracies dad,  GROW A PAIR AND PROTECT YOUR CHILD.   She needs a real male role model to look up to and to believe that all men are not that way.   Gracies mom  I wish I had you as my mother, you are doing the right thing...  Protect  your child at all costs.   I am 48 years old  and still have effects from this crap.