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Topic : 06/29 Husbands Ask Dr. Phil

Number of Replies: 481
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Created on : Friday, April 06, 2007, 11:37:03 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/10/07) Dr. Phil talks to husbands who want to set their wives straight! Shane’s dream has always been to be a stuntman, and he can’t believe he now gets paid to do what he loves. But his wife, Marlo, says stunt performing is too dangerous, and the time has come for him to grow up. Is it too late for Shane to play Evel Knievel now that he’s a husband and a father? Then, Jeremy says he’s married, not dead, and he can’t help but notice attractive women. His wife, Kelly, however, says he should only have eyes for her, and they fight all the time over the issue. Can Kelly get a handle on her insecurities before they destroy her marriage? Next, Todd says his wife, Kim, is driving their family nuts with her paranoia about germs. She throws away her kids’ dirty clothes, follows her family around with antibacterial wipes and even wipes down strangers’ kids if they get too close! What is behind Kim’s fear? Plus, can a young couple dealing with infidelity gain back the trust? Talk about the show here.

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April 6, 2007, 6:12 pm CDT

04/10 Husbands Ask Dr. Phil

If the this wife knew her husband wanted to be a stunt man then why did she marry him? I would never marry someone who had a dream and then demand that they give up their dream! She simply married the wrong man.
 
April 7, 2007, 9:27 am CDT

Jealousy

Hello Kelly,  -

The first thing you HAVE to do is trust your husband.  If you can't trust him, move on.  Very few adults change lifelong habits, but a few do of course.  The one thing that is positive if you continue your present behavior towards your husband is that at some point, he WILL cheat on you.  He is having to put up with the punishment, so at some time, his defenses will be low, and he will do the deed.  I have been married to a commercial airline pilot for close to 40 yrs. and jealousy was never part of the equation.  How could I have kept an eye on him anyway!!  In a good person, trust builds trust.  In our industry I have seen many good men whose wives badgered them all the time finally give in and do it.  It is still the man's responsibility but he can tell himself you drove him to it and so it is your fault, which is bogus reasoning.

 

When my husband looked at a pretty girl, told me about one on a trip, etc. I knew I got the benefits of that look.  I knew he wasn't a skirt chaser and I had to believe that, and I did.  If a pretty girl flirted with him when I was around, he and I would have a secret smile that meant good things for me.  I was rather amused, and a little proud, when some pretty woman set her sites on him because I knew he was mine.  I never got angry so he included me in the stories and shared the encounter.  We both knew it wouldn't go any further.  One wealthy woman a long time ago, just wouldn''t let him alone.  She continually walked by our house, ignored me in social settings etc.  WE chuckled about it, and one day when she was flirting in front of me, I told her that I would loan him to her for one evening if she would give me all the beautiful gold bracelets she wore.  My husband was there too, and I was not angry when I said it, and it made no difference in her behavior, but it was worth a laugh many times over the years.

 

One of the most important things you absolutely HAVE to know about yourself is that you are worth his fidelity.  If he truly strays, it has nothing to do with you. If you continue your bad behavior though, he can use that as an excuse, but in real life, a real man would tell you that he can't take your jealousy, and proceed to a divorce.   It is his flaw and bad behavior and he has to forgive himself, or he will always repeat the behavior.  No one can blame bad behavior on anyone else.  It would be very difficult to get over if he really did stray, and, like Dr.Phil says, if there are children, you have to earn your way out of a marriage.

 

Be proud that other women notice him.  It is easy to make what you consider a bad thing into a positive thing in your relationship.  Of course all I am saying only holds true if you know he isn't a habitual skirt chaser, and if he is, get out while you are young.

 

Over all these years, my husband has come home from his trips and shared what happened with me, including girls that knocked on his door.  If I flirted with men in front of him or not, he knew I always went home with him, or alone, and loved him only.  He and I both knew that nothing would happen that wouldn't happen if the other was sitting right there.

 

Your marriage isn't worth much if you can't trust each other.  And if either of you decides to cheat, it is your own fault, not your spouse's. 

 

TRUST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A MARRIAGE, and if you don't have it, your marriage will always be on a shaky foundation.  You need to find out why YOU have this attitude and progress from there, or you will not have a good marriage or relationship with any man.

 

Good Luck,

 

Ninidcat

 
April 7, 2007, 10:24 am CDT

sex discrimination i see?

 Seems like the person with the problem in kelly's case isnt kellys insecurity.  Perhaps some. But how is it her problem that her husband notices pretty females? And just how does he notice them? verbally or sutle like? I'm human to and not dead and notice handsome men. But my husband doesnt get offended cause i dont make my noticing verbal or obvious. just exactly why does kelly know this? and why is it her issue and not His?  sounds a bit like she is a "woman" with insecruties instead of her husband with wondering eyes  who needs to learn better how to behave as a husband and lover. with dedication and devotion . if she does have this insecurity what does he do to help with it? are we not to help each other?  "help meet"
 
April 7, 2007, 10:30 am CDT

blinded by love.

Quote From: ninidcat

Hello Kelly,  -

The first thing you HAVE to do is trust your husband.  If you can't trust him, move on.  Very few adults change lifelong habits, but a few do of course.  The one thing that is positive if you continue your present behavior towards your husband is that at some point, he WILL cheat on you.  He is having to put up with the punishment, so at some time, his defenses will be low, and he will do the deed.  I have been married to a commercial airline pilot for close to 40 yrs. and jealousy was never part of the equation.  How could I have kept an eye on him anyway!!  In a good person, trust builds trust.  In our industry I have seen many good men whose wives badgered them all the time finally give in and do it.  It is still the man's responsibility but he can tell himself you drove him to it and so it is your fault, which is bogus reasoning.

 

When my husband looked at a pretty girl, told me about one on a trip, etc. I knew I got the benefits of that look.  I knew he wasn't a skirt chaser and I had to believe that, and I did.  If a pretty girl flirted with him when I was around, he and I would have a secret smile that meant good things for me.  I was rather amused, and a little proud, when some pretty woman set her sites on him because I knew he was mine.  I never got angry so he included me in the stories and shared the encounter.  We both knew it wouldn't go any further.  One wealthy woman a long time ago, just wouldn''t let him alone.  She continually walked by our house, ignored me in social settings etc.  WE chuckled about it, and one day when she was flirting in front of me, I told her that I would loan him to her for one evening if she would give me all the beautiful gold bracelets she wore.  My husband was there too, and I was not angry when I said it, and it made no difference in her behavior, but it was worth a laugh many times over the years.

 

One of the most important things you absolutely HAVE to know about yourself is that you are worth his fidelity.  If he truly strays, it has nothing to do with you. If you continue your bad behavior though, he can use that as an excuse, but in real life, a real man would tell you that he can't take your jealousy, and proceed to a divorce.   It is his flaw and bad behavior and he has to forgive himself, or he will always repeat the behavior.  No one can blame bad behavior on anyone else.  It would be very difficult to get over if he really did stray, and, like Dr.Phil says, if there are children, you have to earn your way out of a marriage.

 

Be proud that other women notice him.  It is easy to make what you consider a bad thing into a positive thing in your relationship.  Of course all I am saying only holds true if you know he isn't a habitual skirt chaser, and if he is, get out while you are young.

 

Over all these years, my husband has come home from his trips and shared what happened with me, including girls that knocked on his door.  If I flirted with men in front of him or not, he knew I always went home with him, or alone, and loved him only.  He and I both knew that nothing would happen that wouldn't happen if the other was sitting right there.

 

Your marriage isn't worth much if you can't trust each other.  And if either of you decides to cheat, it is your own fault, not your spouse's. 

 

TRUST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A MARRIAGE, and if you don't have it, your marriage will always be on a shaky foundation.  You need to find out why YOU have this attitude and progress from there, or you will not have a good marriage or relationship with any man.

 

Good Luck,

 

Ninidcat

Trust is good and necessary i dont disagree. but i can see you have never had that trust broken?  Stop excusing a man and make him tow the line.. he would be furious if you flirted and looked with amazement at other men believe that.. he would go wanna smash that mans face in.  lets not tote a double standard. and what is this about reaping the benifits of his naughty looks? So you gonna get to have some reward for yoru husband first lusting after another female? What if its her face he sees and not yours? come on . lets get real here. you want just crums or the whole cake? If a man is unfaithful its cause of his own selfish twisted mind.  You cant run him into a womans arms.. trust is earned. if he looks then he didnt earn it.  *looks with intent*  its obvious when a man cant stop looking that he is interested in more then looking.
 
April 7, 2007, 10:53 am CDT

Infedelity

My husband and I are also a young couple. There was a point in time where our marriage was falling apart. Neither one of us was happy, we both knew that a divorce was about to happen. We both ended up sleeping with other people. Well we worked through our differences, we are now OPEN about everything, we talk about everything, and not just talk but we COMMUNICATE with each other. Our marriage is better now then it was when we got married, we love each other more, we are honest about everything, we are strong. We forgive each other for our sins, and don't throw it in each others faces. So just when you think all is lost, there is still hope.
 
April 7, 2007, 12:15 pm CDT

Kelly

 The response from Kelly to her husband is confusing. I too have a husband with wandering eyes. But its all in how I deal with it. I totally and completely trust my husband.  I understand where it is coming from and its a natural intstinct in men. We have been married for 14 yrs and we both have been this way for 14 yrs. We both say that 'We are married, not dead'.  We actually campare each other to the differant sex and know that we have picked the right person.

 

The response from Kelly is a lack of insecurity within herself and trust. She has to know that even tho her husband has wandering eyes that he still comes back to her.  He should also realize how he does it. If he is doing it in front of her then he should completely keep his eyes on her.  He should also make a genuine comment about her to make her know that she is the he married and he is not willilng to stray.

 
April 7, 2007, 2:14 pm CDT

04/10 Husbands Ask Dr. Phil

Quote From: penny_lady

If the this wife knew her husband wanted to be a stunt man then why did she marry him? I would never marry someone who had a dream and then demand that they give up their dream! She simply married the wrong man.

I often wondered that myself, I mean if someone says they want to do this BEFORE marriage, should the dream die just because he signed on the dotted line or put on a ring, no, because if he was saying the same to her it would be a "Control "issue, why the double standard ?

My husband wanted to build and race stock cars (not at the NASCAR level, though I'm sure he woul be THRILLED at the chance ) so he and his best friend spent nights in his friend's garage building their cars ( I knew where he was at what he was doing and who he was with, and his friend's wife and I were good friends so it was win win ), I went to the races ( not a big thrill for me, but I did it for him and the kids ), after a bad accident ( thank goodness he wasn't hurt badly ) he decided to stay in the pit area (won't say I was disappointed about that ) and he worked in the garage inspecting the cars, but NEVER did I tell him he couldn't or shouldn"t he's a grown man and knows the risks, all I asked was that the insurance was paid (hehe), I voiced my opinion and then gave my blessing and support.

 
April 7, 2007, 3:58 pm CDT

04/10 Husbands Ask Dr. Phil

For many men and women for that matter, you would have to put BLINDERS on them if you're that insecure that you are willing to fight over him/her looking at an attractive man/woman.  If all they're doing is looking, no problem, he's right, married not blind or dead.

I suppose for me its how he does it, out and out ogling, not acceptable, but a glance and even the comment, " she's pretty ", isn't a bad thing, I know who he's going home with, and its not her, hell, he heard me say to a friend ( it was about a police officer that gave me a speeding ticket ) " he could put me in cuffs in the backseat of his car anyday ", he laughed and said " That'll teach me to eavesdrop " I was kidding around ( but that officer was cute hehe ).  So he's pretty secure.

I think sometimes if you are needy and insecure you really should get therapy before you get married, it could save a lot of grief for all.

 
April 7, 2007, 4:42 pm CDT

Wow! A lot of stuff to think about.

Shane and Marlo, Marlo I know you must worry about Shane. But, you really have no control over his dying. He could quit being a stunt man today and die tomorrow of something totally unexpected. I have found that what I worry about is not worth worrying about and usually when something happens,it comes out of left field and it's usually something I never even expected Jeremy and Kelly-I'd have to see this story before I really know what's going on. There are some men who ogle other women to the point that it's distracting. Is Kelly just simply so jealous that she can't stand for J to even look at another woman? J if you know that you are doing something that's extreme and it's a problem for Kelly-STOP doing it. Todd and Kim- I've never known anyone who threw thier kid's clothes away because they were dirty. It's good to try and be aware of germs. But I think you can over do just about anything. I washed my kids clothes when they were dirty. I taught them to wash thier hands.(But, It took them about 4 seconds to wash thier hands) You just have to accept that you can't avoid ALL germs..
 
April 8, 2007, 5:01 pm CDT

Fear of Germs - Sounds Like OCD

When I hear a person has a fear of germs coupled with behavoirs (avoidance, washing excessively, throwing things out which normally would not be thrown out, etc.) used to alleviate the fear of contamination, the first thing that comes to my mind is obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

 

OCD is not a thought disorder but an anxiety disorder. While the person suffering from the disorder has intrusive and repetitive thoughts (obsessions) which cause increased levels of distress (fear, anxiety, guilt, depression), it's the persons reaction to the thoughts, the compulsion (ie. to wash, clean, avoid, ruminate in ones head excessively, etc.) that causes the problem, not the thoughts themselves.

 

The cure. Behavior and cognitive therapy coupled with medication (SSRI's). While there is no 100% cure for OCD, most types can be managed effectively especially those dealing with fear of germs.

 

The basis of all forms of OCD is anxiety, fear, guilt and depression. If an intrusive thought (one that just pops into your head unexpectedly) causes you to feel anxiety, fear, guilt, and depression, in the absence of a genuine reason to feel this way (ie. loss of a job, lied to a loved one, etc.) and you perform a compulsion to reduce the bad feeling (avoid situations, ruminate in your head to solve the problem, write things out on paper, touch things, say a prayer, feel compelled to become excessively responsible for the safety of others, etc.) and you do this continually in the face of the bad feelings, there is a good chance you may suffer from OCD.  

 

James  

 

 

 
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