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Topic : 04/12 Twin Tug of War

Number of Replies: 849
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, April 06, 2007, 11:39:40 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Allison Quets made headlines around the world when she allegedly kidnapped her 17-month-old twins across the border into Canada this past Christmas. She had given them up for adoption, but did she do so under duress? She now says she suffered from a pregnancy disease called hyperemesis that left her malnourished and sleep deprived to the point of complete exhaustion. See an exclusive interview with Allison from behind bars where she awaits trial on two counts of international parental kidnapping, with a possible sentence of three years behind bars. Then, look inside the life of a woman who is only three-and-a-half months pregnant and so sick with hyperemesis she spends most of her day on the bathroom floor. Plus, find out what all women need to know about hyperemesis: How you get it, how to know you have it, and whether it could kill you or your unborn child. Join the discussion.

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April 12, 2007, 7:33 am CDT

Mother

She's their Mom. Give her children back to her. They should be with her and her surrounding family. Aunts.cousins, grand parents. The long term well being of these children should be condsidered. It's in there best interest to be wit their real mother. Sounds like this ex boyfriend probably did not want to have to pay child support. And those people that have those children should give them back if they care about the kids. They are not puppies. Just because they have had them for months does not give them the right to have these kids. Give the kids back now and they won't even remember these kids. These people should go thriugh the normal channels of adoption. Something smells real fishy about the ex boyfriend, the lawyer and these people the boyfriend knows.  They took advantage of an ill person. They should be investagated.
 
April 12, 2007, 7:44 am CDT

Survivor of Hyperemesis

I was diagnosed 8 years ago with severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  I was 27 years old, holding down a great job as a computer specialist, and on the go on a constant basis.  Before I knew I was pregnant (and before any test would show that I was pregnant) foods were making me sick.  Before I was 12 weeks pregnant I was sick all day everyday.  I lived alone and my boyfriend and my mom thought that I was being a drama queen.  They assumed that I was suffering from the normal morning sickness that most pregnant women experience.  My mom even said told me, in a yell, that I was over-reacting and needed to get myself off of the couch and stop whining.  I found this very interesting because I was in a state of having no conversation with anyone, about anything.  It is like I was transformed into just this dull person with no emotion. I stayed in the bathroom all day and all night vomitting.  I was placed on nausea medications yet all I did was vomit it up.  I couldn't do the everyday things that I needed to do to sustain myself.  I considered abortion more than once.  My doctor started me at 12 weeks on 6 hours a day IV therepy.  After continuing to be sick even on the therapy and vomitting all day I passed out in my bathroom and burst a blood vessell in my eye from the strain of vomitting with nothing but fluids in my body.  At this point when I was admitted to the hospital they checked the baby and discovered that from all to the dry heaving and vomitting my cervix was opening.  The assumption was made that this was caused by the vomitting.  So, at 20 weeks I had to have my cervix stitched.  Two weeks later, I had to be readmitted because the nurses that were sent to my house every 3 days to change the location of my IV could no longer find a vein so the doctor had to take me in to surgery to have a local line (the one they use for cancer patients) installed in my chest.  After all of this my daughter was born months early.  After she was born I was still not feeling well and no one dealt with me like I may be suffering mentally from all of this trauma. 
At no time during this pregnancy did I feel any better, and only felt better after the afterbirth was removed.  My skin coleration, mood, and every aspect of who I was changed for those 7 months.  I gave birth to my daughter on 8/31/98 at 9:04pm and was sent to the maternity ward without my daughter (because she was a preemie) and released without my daughter at 10am on 9/2/98.  In my personal opinion, I suffered for several years after she was born from depression.  I saw a therapist but my mental changes were never linked to my pregnancy.  My daughter was born with some respiration issues but is now a very healthy 8 year old.  My heart goes out to those women and families dealing with this issue.  And, I feel that they should be treated as if they are suffering from post-partum depression.  Which in turn means that if you have not been counseled and if no one is acknowledging that you are suffering mentally, then your suffering goes unnoticed. And, you have to try and fix yourself, which is simply and uphill battle.  I am so glad that Dr. Phil has dared to talk about this issue of Hyperemesis Gravidarum, because no one seems to understand.  And, in my doctor's office I am the worst case of this disease that they have ever seen.  I wanted two children, but they say if you ever had Hyperemesis Gravidarum you will probably have it through every pregnancy.  I just don't think I have the strength for that again.

 
April 12, 2007, 8:00 am CDT

Thankyou

Dear Dr. Phil

 

First of all I would really like to thankyou for doing this show. As a women who has suffered from HG it means alot to me. I went through the same thing 3 times and I found myself making the horrible decision to terminate each time. I want a child more than anything in this world.

 

Each time that I went through that and I would tell the Dr. how horrible it was he would just dismiss me as having morning sickness. Even though I hadn't eaten for three weeks and I had lost atleast 15 pounds in those 3 weeks. All I can remember is laying on my couch sideways or on my back all day long I couldn't even turn on the Tv. If I would have seen a commercial with food I would be in the washroom vomiting.  All along I had no idea that there was such thing as HG. That is why it is very important for others to be informed. Had my dr. taken me seriously I would have my baby.  I know there are many women who have or had HG that made it through and suffered terribly all the way. My heart is with them all.

 

Thankyou.

 
April 12, 2007, 8:01 am CDT

HG

Dr Phil Thanks for finally bringing this subject to light  I too suffered from HG with my last two pregnancies both of them I had to terminate due to the severity of HG now having my tube tied I still long for  the babies i lost  and am now thinking of IVF to try again. I made the decision to have my tubes tied during my last pregnancy witch was a huge mistake because i was not in my right mind at that time  I'm hoping that there will be a cure or someway to get through HG before my clock runs out. This is a truly a debilitating disease and it needs to be recognized by the medical profession. I pray everyday that there is a cure found  for HG. 
 
April 12, 2007, 8:01 am CDT

One Sided topic

Quote From: mammaclare

Camera I do appreciate that you have a dissenting opinion, however your words sound cruel and steeped in anger over what has happened in your own family.

 

Perhaps, as the PP mentioned, the adoptive parents should have taken a moment to question their choice to ignore Allison's desperate attemps to revoke the adoption...an adoption that she signed in a moment of deep despair and that she IMMEDIATELY tried to revoke. 

 

This case is a lot different than a mother whose children are removed from the home, and then she wants them back because she got her life together finally.  It is a lot different from even the mother who planned and chose adoption all through pregnancy and then month after the birth changed her mind.   And in many states, both of those above scenarios is completely plausible, if not actually common.  In Florida, the laws are archaic at best...and just do NOT have the children's interest in mind as you say is tanamount.

 

Lastly, I do agree that an 18 month old has developed strong bonds, however I also know that there is strong evidence in the general adoption psychology literature that proves new bond formed even as toddlers can be as strong and healthy as those formed wtih parents who have had children since infancy.  Many international adoptions are actually OF kids who are in that age range and I'd bet their adoptive families would be offended at the notion that they don't have a bond with the child.  I also would argue that the children themselves would not recall the situations that happened in their life at around 18 mos to 2 yrs of age, so without any proof of long-term issues in children whose home/parent situation has changed as a toddler, I can't support your position that Allison is HARMING her babies in any way.

 

If you can share some documentation of detachment and paranoia in a large sample size of children moved from one home to another at 18 mos, then I will stand corrected.  If not, then I don't think your own situation is representative of what would happen to the Quets twins.

 

And why in the world would their own mother not have the "right" (as you put it) to raise her children?  She has attemtped to change custody starting right after she was talked into signing adoption papers.  Was taking them to Canada smart?  No way.  But I still support her desire to regain rightful custody of her own babies--custody that really, in the end, was only stripped of her because of very backward adoption laws...laws that most certainly do NOT follow Soloman.

I have to agree with Camera.  I also have to criticize Dr. Phil.  The adoption side of this should not have been discussed, unless the adoptive family was there to defend themselves.  How many of you all have adopted children??  I HAVE!!!  I can't have children of my own, so I adopted, but I adopted internationally because of my fear of this exact situation.  I didn't want a birth mother coming back and saying, "I changed my mind. I want my baby back." 

 

The adoptive family was actually very gracious.  They had an open adoption, but they went above and beyond the call of duty and look what it got them.  Their adoptive children kidnapped at Christmas.  The only "Parents" these toddlers have known have been the adoptive parents.  I still worry about my two yr old, she was adopted at 10 months from China.  Even at such a young age, there can be attachment issues. 

 

Another part of this I would like to address.  Where was her family, sister and everyone who is there in the media supporting her now??  Where were they when she was having so much trouble.  The only person supporting her was an ex-boyfriend?? 

 

If you can share some documentation of detachment and paranoia in a large sample size of children moved from one home to another at 18 mos, then I will stand corrected.  If not, then I don't think your own situation is representative of what would happen to the Quets twins.

 

Contact any adoption agency, especially those specializing in waiting children, older children, special needs children or international adoption.  BEtter yet, talk to a social worker.  It does happen.  Look up reactive attachment disorder.  You stand corrected. 

 

Florida does not have a waiting/cooling off period.  If Ms. Quets doesn't like the laws in Florida, then maybe she should do something to change it. 

 

Kara

 
April 12, 2007, 8:13 am CDT

I Support Allison Quets

I'm a man thats been married for 37 years.  My wife and I have two children we love very very much.  My wife Rose and I both think Allison deserves to have her children back.  Allison doesn't belong in jail!  Any loving parent would do all in their power to have and protect their children.  Due to the hyperemesis, Allison was unable to function normally.  The lawyer and the people that received the twins took advantage of the terrible situation Allison was experiencing.  You asked if it was right to take the children away from the other people now?  I say a big, YES!  They haven't had them all that long considering how long the life spans of the children will be.  The real crime is if Allison continues to stay in prison and isn't allowed to have her babies back.  I HOPE ALLISON QUETS WINS THIS CASE. 

 

Jim & Rose Piatt

 
April 12, 2007, 8:14 am CDT

hyperemesis

Dr Phil

Thank you for finally putting this issue on the table. As I hear and just viewed the viedo diary , my eyes just teared up. I suffered from Hyperemesis w. both of my pregnancys. I have 2 healthy active boys 12 & 10, they are my miracle babies, my zofran babies. This sickness for me lasted from the 2nd day I found out I was preg. until delivery. I had to quit my job as I was bedridden or on the  floor in the bathroom and on iv fluids the entire pregnancy. I was unable to do anything but vomit, I lost so much weight my liver became compromised. My husband became a Dr. overnight.

At first I was told I was sick because I did not want my baby!! You can imagine how that felt. Youre so excited to be pregnant.yet the physical and emotional toll it takes on your body, mind your family, your relationship w.your husband it is mindblowing. Hyperemesis takes away your ability to function, it hurts to breath, to move, to open your eyes, your nauseaus to the extent it is painful. .Stairs, no way could I walk up alone,.Light, noise, movement.. It is deadly. You want to die and make it end. With my second, it was worse to the point the dr. wanted to terminate my baby. I couldnt do that. God gave me these miracles... hyperemesis is debilitating, it is something that unless you witness or go through it you cant imagine. For night to come was so great to know one day down. My husband had to do all the ivs, meds, dr appts, take care of our 1 yr old , as I could not have noise. This sickness carries on afterward as my heart has complications due to the 2nd pregnancy. Hyperemesis babies ARE WANTED BABIES!!! You dont care abt anything when your sick w. HG, nothing matters,Your not in  your right mind if your HG is severe as mine was. No one would go through HG an give away their babies!!! NO ONE... The pshcyological issues that remain,while pregant you feel I was a bad wife for so long, bad mother if other siblings are in the picture. You feel like a failue, who cant be pregnant the right way?? It carries so many issues other than being sick. Everyone has good advice but you have to go how you are and each case varies. I am so blessed that god gave me 2 boys, but I remember vividly feeling if i had had a gun I would have shot  myselfI cried to my husband and begged him to get a gun and make it end. He was my rock, he would tell me ok lets end this konwing full well it would make me fight harder. It is a fight for 2 lives!! You feel this has to end, I cant do this anymore, I was vomiting and crying. It is a dignity taking, mind taking, realationship straining , life threatening sickness. This woman deserves to have her babies back w. her. She loved them enought to carry on w. HG that ia s living hell. It is time for her to love those babies and finally have the peace to enjoy what she struggled so long w. to bring them into this world.I cant say again, HG babies are the most wanted and loved babies.HG need to have a voice, I did not know what it was at first, i had never heard of it. I had to switch drs w. my first pregancy, after I was told I had a vitamin deficiancy and did not want my baby. The HER foundation is a help for HG moms. HG is a horrible way to go through pregnancy, just keep telling yourself it will end, it seems never ending. Post pardum and dealing w. HG after pregnancy, one needs support. One needs her babies!!

 
April 12, 2007, 8:22 am CDT

Guardians Give the kids back!

In the real world it's simple - This woman deserves to have her babies back!  In the legal realm of things - common sense is never an option.  I would work more on the adoptive gaurdians, as I don't think she will ever win in court.  Courts don't care about what is right - they do what they want without a care or thought in the world to what is actually right and just.  If it isn't happening to them, they don't care!!!  Even if she has to do time for taking them (which I will pray for her that she doesn't) - when she gets out she deserves to have these kids back.

 

I just wanted to say to the birth mother - Don't Give Up! 


And to her male friend "shame on you for assisting in the process of giving those children up - instead of assisting her in caring for those children when she was so weak and sick.  You could've provided her with some support, hope and encouragement instead of a ride to an attorney's office, whereby nothing else would be required of you.  If she had any kind of support this never would've happened. 

 

AND....to the current Guardians "Open you eyes, and your Heart!"  You must remember it is so very true that you reap what you sow.  You are causing someone the worst pain in the world - the loss of her children, which she painfully brought into this world.   If you continue to ignore this fact, remember these words ---- "You will be in her same shoes one day"- After all the sacrificing and years of love - you will feel the loss of these children, when they learn the truth about their mother and how you kept them from her!   WAKE UP!!!!  You know in your heart that being this selfish can not bring about anything good for your future with these children.  You are better to do the unselfish thing, out of court, and give this woman her children back - whereby you have a chance to still be a major part of their life (like extended family).  Working together will get the best results.

 

 
April 12, 2007, 8:27 am CDT

A jury of women peers, I hope

This woman is a pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum survivor. Yes, it is a continuum! 100 years ago, she would have died. But Allison survived. I hope she gets a jury of women peers--because only women can know experientially the life-threatening risk of childbirth, in any age of medicine. She sought her children before they were conceived. She struggled to survive giving birth to them. These are both profound evidence of her love and intention for her children. So she went to Canada to be with her children when the courts failed her. What mother wouldn't do anything if she felt it was in the best interest of her children--even give them to people who could take care of them if she couldn't. That is obviously where she was in trying to love them while in a physically/mentally/emotionally constrained condition. And now she's behind bars because she's well enough to take care of them and can't live without their knowing her as their mother. It's ridiculous how our legal system doesn't have fitting recourse in consideration of the issues that women face in childbirth. How can the custodians of these children keep them when they know Allison's circumstances? What can they say, except ,"They know us and need us...and we love them." But they know and need their true mother. Every day they are kept away from her is a moral crime. And the babies will pay the greater price for that crime if returning them is delayed. I have no doubt it will be heartbreaking for the custodial parents, and even for the children for a short time. It doesn't seem fair, and it's not. But it is what it is. It is a very sad story about a woman who almost lost her life and has lost her children, at least temporarily, because of her ordeal. Allison and her children belong together. I hope the custodians will love enough to do what's right and return Allison's children to her. Plus, I hope the common sense of objectively understanding people (hopefully women), and legal respect for women's childbirth issues, will prevail. Thanks for reading.

 
April 12, 2007, 8:43 am CDT

Hyperemesis

I am a mother of five children and has suffered with hyperemesis with all five pregnancies. This disease is not understood by most people especially men. They feel as if your lazy. This disease makes you to where you could care less if the whole world was about to be destroyed. With my last pregnancy I almost lost my job, my marriage, and my fourteen year old was out of control. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even focus on my two year old that demanded attention. The house was a total disaster and the bills weren't being paid on time. The only thing my husband could say was that " what has happened to my wife." He wasn't supportive Thur my hard times. I felt as if the whole world was weighing down on my shoulders and that no one understood. I am a person who accomplishes goals and is very organized but when I am pregnant I could care less. I couldn't make intelligent decisions, take care of the house or the children, I had to quit college, and I was failing at my job performance. I understand this disease. Thanks Beverly Shue
 
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