Topic : 04/12 Twin Tug of War

I have HG right now and sadly, not all families and friends are created equal.

Not all churches are created equal.

Not everybody has support from even one person.

 

I have my husband and that is all.  It is enough...but I feel terrible for the biological mother of those twins.

Hey,

You have all of my mental hugs and tears and sympathy.

I am about 14 weeks right now and right there with you.  I can't even hold my daughter 99 percent of the time because her slightest movement makes me ill or hot or makes my gag reflex too strong (!)

Same thing with the husband doing it all, the bathing problems, etc.

My response follows later in the queue here, but just wanted you to know you're not alone and that somebody listened.

Jillofark

Before last year I had never heard of Hyperemesis.  No one I knew had ever heard of it either.  That was until I was diagnosed.  The stories here on the message board are sadly familiar.  I was sick my entire pregnancy, hospitalized, PICC line, TPN, IV fluids, and more drugs than I could name.  Thanks to the HER foundation, Kimber and the wonderful doctors at Legacy Salmon Creek Hospital in Vancouver Washington, we made it.  I am now the proud mother of a healthy baby boy, 11 weeks old.  My family is finally beginning to recover. 

 

Thank you Dr. Phil for airing this show.  Thank you for showing everyone it is not in our heads.  It is a real disease.  As real as cancer.  As serious as a heart attack.  It is more devastating than anyone could ever imagine.  Not all of us survive, nor do our babies.  Thank you for helping us make hyperemesis known.  Hopefully with awareness there will be research and someday a cure.  www.helpher.org

I hate to see so many people arguing over if Allison should get her twins back or not, and why...

 

There are so many facts that we will never know, unless we sit on the jury of this case. 

 

For one, how long did she have the babies before she put them up for adoption?  It was mentioned a few times, but once I thought I heard 7 months.  That is pretty long, and would mean the new family has only had them for about 7 months as well.  Sure that is long enough to bond, but not "nearly two years" as I have seen mentioned. 

 

Also, we know NOTHING about the people who have the twins now.  Did they know what kind of stress Allison was under?  If so, why would they take the risky chance to adopt these kids knowing full well it might be very messy, to say the least. 

 

How long did they have the children before she filed to get them back?  Maybe it was only a matter of weeks.  Had they turned them over right away, they wouldn't have had as much bonding time. 

 

Is there a biological father in the picture, or did she use a sperm donor? 

What did her boyfriend have to do with all of this, and where is he now? 

Did she have any help with the children at all, early on?

 

 

I have so many other questions, and I really can sympathize with both sides.  I just hope that the case is settled quickly.  As horrible as it is to keep "ping ponging", as some one else said, those children back and forth, it will only get worse the older they get, and when they will have more memories from their childhoods. 

 

My husband and I are considering adoption.  We have one biological son, but due to my health we were strongly advised not to have another.   I just know I could never adopt a baby if I had any inkling that it's parents were on the fence about giving it up. 

My best friend from college adopted a son through a somewhat open adoption and ran into a lot of problems with the birth parents(both in their mid 40s with 3 other grown children), wanting to be more and more a part of the child's life, and having a hard time letting go.  They ended up having to sever all ties, because it became almost a stalker situation.  The birth parents live only 40 miles away, and were driving by and wanting to stop in unannounced, which was never part of the deal! 

Adoptions are not all cut and dried.  

 

And well... again, of course we are all entitled to our opinions on the subject,  but I hate to see people fighting over a topic, that really wasn't discussed in all that much depth. 

 

For all "WE" know the adoptive parents could have been very coercive, and used some underhanded tactics to get these children.   That does happen. 

 

 

 

 

Hi Dr Phil..

I am writing in regards to the topic of HG and a very dear friend of mine. Her name is Janis : cheerful, insprational, loving, protective, intelligent and overall a wonderful friend. She is also a wonderful canidate to be a mother..in fact she has been a wonderful canidate for motherhood 3 times. But sadly each time, this brave woman struggled with this horrible illness.

 

When she first struggled with it, I was not in her life..but she told me the terror of throwing up close to 30+ times a day, losing a rapid 20-40lbs, being hospitalized and having ignorant 'doctors' (I use the term extremely losely) that tried to convince her that her illness and its severity was 'all in her head' and that 'deep down inside she didn't want her child'. Anyone who knows Janis, know that is a far throw from the truth.

 

Two years ago, I lost contact with Janis for a span of 6 months. I couldn't reach her by phone, had no clue where she was and she had not contacted me in anyway.  Later when we reconnected, I learned that she had been hospitalized and struggling with HG for a thrid time, hoping to overcome the illness. It once again nearly killed her. She threw up so often that she vomited blood and could not even swallow water. She had also losrt an alarming amount of weight again and had to abort her pregnacy. The emotional turmoil that this has put her through is horrible. She feels so much guilt from having to abort her pregnancy, and so much helplessness.

 

But this woman is also one of the strongest I know. When she became aware of HG and found a website dedicated to it, she began a worthwhile mission. Her mission is to make HG a publically known illness, to help other woman and families who have had to overcome its difficults and heartaches. This June she has organized a Run for HG. She will be running with a friend from London Ontario to Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto Ontario. Not only is this an amazing and health risking feat..but afterwards she will be hosting a Benefit Dinner in Burlington Ontario. There will be dinner and dancing and art aucions...all to raise money for this cause.

I hope that this diease become more commonly known, so that the individuals who suffer from it can get the help and support that they so desperately need. I hope you can be a big part of this.

 

Janis truely is a hero, and I'm so very proud of her.

I hope everyone can find a little hero inside themselves...

Dr. Phil

As a military wife who has endured deployments, nothing compared to the challenges I faced with having hyperemesis during my three pregnancies.  Each was so difficult but the third episode turned my world upside down; realizing there was no escaping what was ahead.  It  felt like torture and was devestating during those months.  I have three healthy and beautiful children now that I adore, but know I could never ever go through another pregnancy!

 

I have always wondered why this topic gets so little attention.  I was grateful that HG got  national recognition on your show and hope that the court considers what a devastating physical and emotional condition HG is and makes the correct decision in Allison Quets case.  Ms. Quets struggled with HG and perhaps post partum depression as well.  Desperate times called for desperate measures, it seems, and she took her babies back with what appears to be hopes of a future together.  Good luck to her and kudos to you!

I have a question for the MD "only" .

 

 In the photograph displayed on the screen of Allison before she got Pregnant, it appears she was obese and still is,  If Allison would have taken better care of her body and adopted a healthier lifestyle before she got pregnant ( reduced here weight to a smaller size 6  and been in top physical shape) do you know if HP would have had as much of an impact on her as it did?

 

Allison, You don't belong in prison. I sincerely hope your children are returned to you. It is obvious you were forced against your will and were not able to make clear concise judgements with a sound mind during the time frame you signed the papers. The adoptive parents should return your twins to you given the circumstances.

 

Where was your husband during this time and why did he refused to help you given the mental state you were in?

 

I wish you the best!   

 

Sincerely

Cathryne,

 

Hello! Thank you for posting your comments. I do agree. It appears to me Alison was obese in the photograph that was displayed before she was pregnant,  I feel if she would have been a smaller size 6 , adopted a healthier lifestyle eating natural foods containing no chemicals,  and been in top physical shape before she got pregnant , the symptoms would not have been as extreme.

 

My physician "female" told me in her office (She's in Columbia , SC and has a large practice. She's the VP of the School of medicine at usc also) the growing trend today is woman having babies over 40.  As a noticeable pattern she See's and has contact with on a day to day basis, the woman who are in top shape physically, smaller size 6 and have chosen to adapted a healthier life styles by eating natural foods before they get pregnant and maintain that pattern during it are the woman 9 .5 times out of 10 who don't have or have a small amount of problems or complications during their pregnancy. 

 

Patrice
 

First, I want to say that my heart goes out to any woman who is dealing with, or has dealt with this disease.  It must be horrible to deal with, and I am convinced that a woman wouldn't be able to make rational decisions while going through it.  I saw the show yesterday, and I do feel for this mother because, for different reasons, my son was denied to me.  I had joint custody back in 1986, but my ex-husband was determined to exclude me from his life because we got a divorce, and back then, it was a series of "going back to court" sessions to get him to comply with my son being with me. When I continued to get joint custody enforced, he then resorted to planting ideas in my son's head, taking him to a psychiatrist to tell lies, thus resulting in "supervised visitation." It was supervised by his new wife, of all people!  She was resistant. They got him to tell me that he "would think about seeing me."  At that time my daughter was two. I would bring her to the visitations, and my son's stepmother, (by the way who could not bear children), proceeded to ignore the kids and make verbal jabs at me.  Thus, to make a long story short, I ended visitation because my daughter and my son seemed so upset each time.  It has been sixteen years, and just last year, my son came to visit my daughter, now 17, and myself.  I made a sacrifice many years ago and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of my son, wondering what was going on in his life. (He visited last year without his father and stepmother knowing).  He said he felt something was missing in his life, and he wondered if it was me.  When he left he said he felt a likeness that he saw in me, and he knew that was what was missing.  I know he doesn't come because it would cause so much trouble for him with his father if his father found out. My son is a grown man now (with a two-year old son of his own), but even he realizes that his father still cannot accept his seeing me. My point here is that sometimes the adults get so caught up in their own emotions and needs that they overlook what is best for the children.  People used to tell me, "your son will come back. It may not be today, but he will." Of course at the time, I couldn't feel as though that comment was much comfort.  But, when he did, their words rang true.  I honestly believe Allison didn't want to give up her children the day she signed the papers.  But, I also don't believe she could have cared for them properly at the time.  She said that she couldn't imagine picking up two car seats that first day. They could have been put in foster care and been wards of the State which could have been worse, possibly being split up.  Instead, they were adopted into a loving family which could care for them.  I know it is gut-wrenching for her, but, if the children were now ripped from the arms of the parents they have known for 17 months, I don't believe it would be healthy for them to go through that.  Why emotionally scar them as well and put them through that hell?  I know she went through hell with her unfortunate circumstances with the illness, but I believe the children's futures should come first, and their emotional and physical health.  Does she feel any gratitude towards the people who have loved these children for 17 months?  I know my opinion may not be the popular one, but having gone through having to give up my own son for his life to be happy, which I believe was the right thing to do under the circumstances at the time, I think she should have honored her children's current lives and not abducted them, fleeing to Canada.  Running from a problem isn't the answer.  Their adopted parents love them too. They must have been frantic since they had loved them for 17 months. Just because you give birth to children, doesn't give you the right, as if they are a "possession," to steal them back because you need them.  The other parents in the picture put in their time, love and resources, were there to care for them when she physically couldn't, and they need to be respected as well.  Perhaps in the future, all parties will be able to set aside their own emotions and negotiate, because no matter who wins or loses, when someone loses, they will still want to see the the children. I think all the parents should have compassion for each other and somehow find a way to all be a part of these twins' lives.  My ex-husband still won't SHARE which is still unfortunate for my grown son. Why should the kids be the ones who suffer?

I am a 39 year old mother of 2 who suffered with this for both pregnancies.I was 190 lbs when I found out that I was pregnant and the day my son came out I was 138 lbs.No one belives I lost 50 lbs while pregnant.I could not even eat 1 grape.The smell of every thing sickend me to the point I would lay in bed motionless for days.Even the IV fluids made me sick.I was hospitalized over 20 times .Eventually my doctor suggested I get IV thereapy at home.That was very hard on my family that had to change IV bags in the middle of the night.I had 2 very qualified doctors that just could not get me to stop the vomiting.I would love to have another child but I do not want to suffer like that.I remember calling my obgyn at 7 months pregnant begging for a c section .... I also asked if it was too late to late for an abortion.I did not want that I just was desparate to feel good.I aslo thought about suicide it was that bad.This is not rational thinking when you are that sick you just want a little break.I cant imagine what it was like for this mother just having twins and no support system to help her  she may have belived in a week moment that it was the right thing to do .I would have pulled that baby out myself if I could Then I would be in jail also, for murder .I love both my kids so much but I cant forget the nights on the bathroom floor.And when I was at my sickest I would have taken my and the babys life,for a minute of relief.

 

Please set this woman free

she loves her kids  this is another case of LAWYERS taking advantage of some one in a weak moment.